Alcoholic Wife Claims Abuse - Falsely
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... Continued (if anyone is still here):
I am sitting at the table with my son who, coincidentally, just read a Science chapter on drug and alcohol abuse. I am probably hyper sensitive, but wonder if he was perturbed about reading it because he just wasn't interested (yeah, yeah, I know drugs are bad. blah blah blah) or if he is in denial about how his Mom has acted. This chapter was such a perfect opening for for me to talk with him, but the timing turned out to be awful (wife's b'day tonight and company in the home). All he commented was that it seemed bogus to call alcoholism a "disease". I said a few words on the difference between use and abuse and wanting and needing (not being able to stop), but I think it went in one ear and out the other. He rushed thru and went off for some much needed time alone/gaming (we've been swamped with company surrounding death of a family member (in-law) and busy the last few days). SO where was I when I left off last post.....
To make my wife's apparent* alcoholism a major focus in our home or to keep it within - - - or WHO to keep it between?? Me and my son or me and my wife - - - or just my wife???
If my son is not aware there is a problem (did I mention my wife can be quite clever about covering things up?), I do not want to bring it to light to HIM and force it as an issue. "lady s" and others here, with all due respect to your respective viewpoints on that, I feel like I need to walk a tightrope here and do all I can to see if this can be controlled and my wife eventually address her issue. I have a counsellor who is suggesting I take a "light" approach (not heavy-handed), based on what she knows of me and our situation and I think that is what is needed at present. I do fear an other outburst, but am so much more aware of my need to not engage her "after 5" and to try and do any sensible talking early in the day - - and to disengage as much as possible in the evenings, unless she appears not to be 'altered' (even tho I know she will always have had at least one glass of wine).
I'm not really able to say much more with any level of clarity due to exhaustion from long days, not enough sleep, and a very strict, self-imposed diet/health program (I did get a quarter of the way to my weight-loss goal in just a single week - 8 lbs.!). I hope I have not stepped on toes by taking a less aggressive approach than many have recommended here, but to be clear, less aggressive does not mean passive - it just means I am walking with greater care, choosing each step with careful consideration so as not to make things worse. My son already seems to think I am the hot-head b/c my wife baits me in front of him to elicit what, to him, probably appears to be an overreaction (my "getting uptight" as he would call my becoming animated in my speech or irritated with my wife). Yes, I have played right into her hands as far as that goes, so I am retraining myself to exercise the restraint advocated here and by others.
Okay, sorry for the extra burst - - NOW I am wiped out.
Good night and God bless those who have been here for me up to now as well as anyone who may be quietly observing and/ or dealing with your own difficulties that caused you to join in. Fine people, good place...
*** How does one diagnose that? - My way is to see she was sneaking - and can't seem to stop ***
I am sitting at the table with my son who, coincidentally, just read a Science chapter on drug and alcohol abuse. I am probably hyper sensitive, but wonder if he was perturbed about reading it because he just wasn't interested (yeah, yeah, I know drugs are bad. blah blah blah) or if he is in denial about how his Mom has acted. This chapter was such a perfect opening for for me to talk with him, but the timing turned out to be awful (wife's b'day tonight and company in the home). All he commented was that it seemed bogus to call alcoholism a "disease". I said a few words on the difference between use and abuse and wanting and needing (not being able to stop), but I think it went in one ear and out the other. He rushed thru and went off for some much needed time alone/gaming (we've been swamped with company surrounding death of a family member (in-law) and busy the last few days). SO where was I when I left off last post.....
To make my wife's apparent* alcoholism a major focus in our home or to keep it within - - - or WHO to keep it between?? Me and my son or me and my wife - - - or just my wife???
If my son is not aware there is a problem (did I mention my wife can be quite clever about covering things up?), I do not want to bring it to light to HIM and force it as an issue. "lady s" and others here, with all due respect to your respective viewpoints on that, I feel like I need to walk a tightrope here and do all I can to see if this can be controlled and my wife eventually address her issue. I have a counsellor who is suggesting I take a "light" approach (not heavy-handed), based on what she knows of me and our situation and I think that is what is needed at present. I do fear an other outburst, but am so much more aware of my need to not engage her "after 5" and to try and do any sensible talking early in the day - - and to disengage as much as possible in the evenings, unless she appears not to be 'altered' (even tho I know she will always have had at least one glass of wine).
I'm not really able to say much more with any level of clarity due to exhaustion from long days, not enough sleep, and a very strict, self-imposed diet/health program (I did get a quarter of the way to my weight-loss goal in just a single week - 8 lbs.!). I hope I have not stepped on toes by taking a less aggressive approach than many have recommended here, but to be clear, less aggressive does not mean passive - it just means I am walking with greater care, choosing each step with careful consideration so as not to make things worse. My son already seems to think I am the hot-head b/c my wife baits me in front of him to elicit what, to him, probably appears to be an overreaction (my "getting uptight" as he would call my becoming animated in my speech or irritated with my wife). Yes, I have played right into her hands as far as that goes, so I am retraining myself to exercise the restraint advocated here and by others.
Okay, sorry for the extra burst - - NOW I am wiped out.
Good night and God bless those who have been here for me up to now as well as anyone who may be quietly observing and/ or dealing with your own difficulties that caused you to join in. Fine people, good place...
*** How does one diagnose that? - My way is to see she was sneaking - and can't seem to stop ***
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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You seem to think you have a lot more power about how your son thinks and feels than you really do. Kids do the same thing you do--pretend it's all right, act like everything is OK, but the anger, resentment, and confusion leak out in other ways, or are stuffed and turned inward. There is an elephant in the room. Pretending it's not there is not helpful to anyone. There is no way your wife can secretly recover without your son ever knowing. He will know, whether she continues to drink or not, that things aren't right. If you wait until the point where something truly awful happens, or until you are in the position where you and he (or your wife) have to leave the household, it's going to be that much worse.
The school curriculum on drugs and alcohol abuse is mainly aimed at teaching kids to avoid it, themselves. The schools don't teach (as far as I know) about recognizing or dealing with drug/alcohol abuse in the family.
Talking about it doesn't "force an issue" for your son. It's simple honesty. It's not his job to do anything about it. You'd simply be giving him an honest context for what's going on.
Yes, your wife will be ticked off about that. But as long as you allow her reactions to control what YOU do, you are continuing to enable her to avoid the consequences of her actions.
If you feel you need some professional guidance (after all, we are just a bunch of people speaking from our own experience), talk with a family counselor who deals with addictions. I think saying nothing to your son would be a mistake.
The school curriculum on drugs and alcohol abuse is mainly aimed at teaching kids to avoid it, themselves. The schools don't teach (as far as I know) about recognizing or dealing with drug/alcohol abuse in the family.
Talking about it doesn't "force an issue" for your son. It's simple honesty. It's not his job to do anything about it. You'd simply be giving him an honest context for what's going on.
Yes, your wife will be ticked off about that. But as long as you allow her reactions to control what YOU do, you are continuing to enable her to avoid the consequences of her actions.
If you feel you need some professional guidance (after all, we are just a bunch of people speaking from our own experience), talk with a family counselor who deals with addictions. I think saying nothing to your son would be a mistake.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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My husband’s late wife was an alcoholic. She had two sons from a prior marriage, and they had a son and daughter together. All of the children were affected by her drinking. Two of the four profoundly affected, one son is an active alcoholic and poly-substance abuser.
One day when “Jr” was going through what we like to refer to as his fun-filled crack days, my husband spoke with his daughter about her brother—about how he might have to be institutionalized (which is what we truly thought at the time because we thought his brain was just too damaged), about how both he and one of his brothers had been so affected by their mother’s alcoholism.
Well, you would have thought that my husband had called his late wife a sociopathic ax murderer. She had a fit! Her denial and follow up accusations to her father were pretty epic. As they continued to “talk” (OK her screaming, him talking) she began to realize all the times when her mother did have a drink in her hand and wouldn’t let any of the kids touch it. If one of them wanted a ‘sip’ of her coca-cola, she would always insist on making them one of their own (without the vodka). There was the Thanksgiving when she was too smashed to make dinner, so they ordered pizza. The list goes on and on.
I relate this story to demonstrate the depths of a child’s need to feel OK about a parent in spite of evidence to the contrary. Yet somehow, even when they become adults and no longer live in the home with active alcoholism, they know. Somehow, even under the denial, they know.
I hope that your son will learn that he can talk to you about whatever he is feeling. Perhaps you could speak with his school counselor so that at least he/she is aware of what is happening in your home in case something occurs at school and your son needs support.
I hope you have a peaceful remainder of the week!
One day when “Jr” was going through what we like to refer to as his fun-filled crack days, my husband spoke with his daughter about her brother—about how he might have to be institutionalized (which is what we truly thought at the time because we thought his brain was just too damaged), about how both he and one of his brothers had been so affected by their mother’s alcoholism.
Well, you would have thought that my husband had called his late wife a sociopathic ax murderer. She had a fit! Her denial and follow up accusations to her father were pretty epic. As they continued to “talk” (OK her screaming, him talking) she began to realize all the times when her mother did have a drink in her hand and wouldn’t let any of the kids touch it. If one of them wanted a ‘sip’ of her coca-cola, she would always insist on making them one of their own (without the vodka). There was the Thanksgiving when she was too smashed to make dinner, so they ordered pizza. The list goes on and on.
I relate this story to demonstrate the depths of a child’s need to feel OK about a parent in spite of evidence to the contrary. Yet somehow, even when they become adults and no longer live in the home with active alcoholism, they know. Somehow, even under the denial, they know.
I hope that your son will learn that he can talk to you about whatever he is feeling. Perhaps you could speak with his school counselor so that at least he/she is aware of what is happening in your home in case something occurs at school and your son needs support.
I hope you have a peaceful remainder of the week!
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My AX's ex wife had each of the kids in counseling at school. During a health class, they were talking about how bad drugs and alcohol were. his daughter broke down and had to see a specialist. Poor kids....
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Truthfully it sounds like your son is exhausted with your problems. Hence he heads to his room and games. I don't think its an unusual reaction. My take on it is that your son doesn't want to have anything to do with what's going on between you and your wife. He is caught in the middle with her accusations, your "blow ups" (that he doesn't understand), and tension that exists in that household no matter how much you perceive as controlling it.
I don't know what the right answer is. I agree with Lexie that you can lay it out as just a truth without having to discuss with him the dynamic of the relationship. I also agree with Seren that children have a need to feel OK about a parent. I also believe the male/female dynamic, Mother/Son dynamic is more likely to result in him feeling a need to protect her as it seems he already is.
I had a very normal childhood, but when I was in my 20's my mom had a psychotic breakdown. Leading up to it were lots of accusations about my Dad inclusive of allegations that he had fathered other children and had multiple affairs.....later it turned really dark in that he was trying to kill her and was "bugging" the phones. She didn't sound crazy (I mean in her voice tone) so while I didn't really believe it, there was always a niggling doubt wondering if my dad was some crazy sex addict murderer, and did I have 7 brothers and sisters out there I didn't know. This went on for 2 years 'secret" calls from both of them and WAY too much information discussed that should have only remained between them. Secrets, secrets and more secrets as well as being told "Don't tell your father/mother". Lots of control on my Dad's part in refusal to let us confront her because "I am the one who has to live with her"! refusal to commit her, refusal by her to get help. We were roped in and helpless. Their dynamic went on and we got the play by play......oh gosh if I only knew now what I didn't know then I would have put a stop to it.
27 years later I am here to tell you that bullsh*t still affects my family. My brothers have no relationship worth mentioning with my dad because of it. My mom spent 50k on private detectives and came up with zip so we know what she was saying was not true not only because of that, but because she was eventually committed and diagnosed with psychotic paranoia. My brothers, one in particular, became very protective of my mom during that time and has remained so.
The discussion of their marital problems has never ended. I can't tell you how disturbing it is even more so that NEITHER sees it. I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT. Get a godd*mn divorce is what I think about it. Its not that we don't have great times together - we do, and its not that they don't love each other they are very affectionate and loving to each other a lot of the time. They really should have divorced. That aren't compatible. They both paid a very high price for staying together and so did their kids.
I don't know what the right answer is. I agree with Lexie that you can lay it out as just a truth without having to discuss with him the dynamic of the relationship. I also agree with Seren that children have a need to feel OK about a parent. I also believe the male/female dynamic, Mother/Son dynamic is more likely to result in him feeling a need to protect her as it seems he already is.
I had a very normal childhood, but when I was in my 20's my mom had a psychotic breakdown. Leading up to it were lots of accusations about my Dad inclusive of allegations that he had fathered other children and had multiple affairs.....later it turned really dark in that he was trying to kill her and was "bugging" the phones. She didn't sound crazy (I mean in her voice tone) so while I didn't really believe it, there was always a niggling doubt wondering if my dad was some crazy sex addict murderer, and did I have 7 brothers and sisters out there I didn't know. This went on for 2 years 'secret" calls from both of them and WAY too much information discussed that should have only remained between them. Secrets, secrets and more secrets as well as being told "Don't tell your father/mother". Lots of control on my Dad's part in refusal to let us confront her because "I am the one who has to live with her"! refusal to commit her, refusal by her to get help. We were roped in and helpless. Their dynamic went on and we got the play by play......oh gosh if I only knew now what I didn't know then I would have put a stop to it.
27 years later I am here to tell you that bullsh*t still affects my family. My brothers have no relationship worth mentioning with my dad because of it. My mom spent 50k on private detectives and came up with zip so we know what she was saying was not true not only because of that, but because she was eventually committed and diagnosed with psychotic paranoia. My brothers, one in particular, became very protective of my mom during that time and has remained so.
The discussion of their marital problems has never ended. I can't tell you how disturbing it is even more so that NEITHER sees it. I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT. Get a godd*mn divorce is what I think about it. Its not that we don't have great times together - we do, and its not that they don't love each other they are very affectionate and loving to each other a lot of the time. They really should have divorced. That aren't compatible. They both paid a very high price for staying together and so did their kids.
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Again - I have to reiterate that I have NO experience parenting, but I grew up in a house FULL of secrets. It sucks. It makes a kid feel like their parents don't know their worth, and underestimate their ability to contemplate, and deal with things.
Kids are smart. At his age, I could guess that mom's drinking is no secret to your son. If you are truthful with him - not blaming her, not covering for her, just say things how they are, you open the door for him to talk to you about it WHEN he needs to.
I found out at 18 that my mom was married before my dad.
I found out at 22 that my mom was a gamble-a-holic that almost bankrupt us twice.
That explained all the times the water and power got shut off were not, in fact a glitch with the lines. At the same time, the realization hit that my parents probably DID argue and fight. We never saw anything resembling that.
I found out at 24 that the guy mom was married to was abusive and cheated on her with several men.
I found out at 28 that my beloved uncle was not murdered, that he actually killed his mother in law and then killed himself.
The list goes on...
All the way down to finding out at 37 that our awesome family dog didn't die of old age, but that my mom accidentally ran him over.
The results of these fostered a situation where I developed a perfection complex. To have a happy relationship, there can be NO fighting. Money - whoa, zero responsible use of money until my late 20's. What a waste of a lot of dollars earned. I knew NOTHING of having to budget, partially because we never discussed money, and it LOOKED to me like money was always just there growing up, when the opposite was the case. Everything and everyone around me must be perfect, because you are in control of all the problems you have. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Now, I can't understand the need to lie, or cover up to me, other than my mom wanted to always project this image of a life of perfection, and dad didn't want to **** her off by disclosing (wholly codie).
I hope you open the door for your son to talk about it if he needs to, and i really believe the only way to do that is to treat him like a smart, growing human being, and just be honest. Good luck, and (((HUGS)))
Kids are smart. At his age, I could guess that mom's drinking is no secret to your son. If you are truthful with him - not blaming her, not covering for her, just say things how they are, you open the door for him to talk to you about it WHEN he needs to.
I found out at 18 that my mom was married before my dad.
I found out at 22 that my mom was a gamble-a-holic that almost bankrupt us twice.
That explained all the times the water and power got shut off were not, in fact a glitch with the lines. At the same time, the realization hit that my parents probably DID argue and fight. We never saw anything resembling that.
I found out at 24 that the guy mom was married to was abusive and cheated on her with several men.
I found out at 28 that my beloved uncle was not murdered, that he actually killed his mother in law and then killed himself.
The list goes on...
All the way down to finding out at 37 that our awesome family dog didn't die of old age, but that my mom accidentally ran him over.
The results of these fostered a situation where I developed a perfection complex. To have a happy relationship, there can be NO fighting. Money - whoa, zero responsible use of money until my late 20's. What a waste of a lot of dollars earned. I knew NOTHING of having to budget, partially because we never discussed money, and it LOOKED to me like money was always just there growing up, when the opposite was the case. Everything and everyone around me must be perfect, because you are in control of all the problems you have. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Now, I can't understand the need to lie, or cover up to me, other than my mom wanted to always project this image of a life of perfection, and dad didn't want to **** her off by disclosing (wholly codie).
I hope you open the door for your son to talk about it if he needs to, and i really believe the only way to do that is to treat him like a smart, growing human being, and just be honest. Good luck, and (((HUGS)))
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Originally Posted by daydreamer0217 
My AX's ex wife had each of the kids in counseling at school. During a health class, they were talking about how bad drugs and alcohol were. his daughter broke down and had to see a specialist. Poor kids....
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Wow. A lot of similarities and yet some subtle differences in recent input here.
I do not profess to control my sons thoughts in the least, for starters, but I can control, to some degree, what he knows about me and his Mom and our relationship - as it should be. Yes, he can see the strain - also to some degree. NO, I honestly don't think he can see the drinking so much. hell, I donlt even see it much anymore as she hides it quite well. And she doesn't get "drunk" like most people think of being drunk. She just gets kinda stupid - really. Just sorta thick and not very bright. A little personality change, no slurring unless she is really tanked. Ahhh, but my son did say something the other day. I jokingly said something about him not telling his Mom about something (a bad grade? I forget) until she had had a glass of wine; This completely in jest and not even thinking about the "problem" when I said it. He replied that doing so (waiting till after some wine) would "probably make it even worse". First indication AT ALL he has given that he sees it. I have been more frank about 'it' lately too, so that may be part of his awareness, I don't know.
AGH! I need to go (time). So sorry to start and stop, but I know I wonlt be able to pick back up if I start over.
Had company all week long and things were okay (she did get soused most nights, but no drama, in part thanks to yours truly and you guys' advice on "walking away" figuratively speaking). A little blow up before she went out today when I asked why she tried to have her counselor consult with mine (seems we ended up at the same firm). I meant nothing but to ask why, and she got just a bit testy (okay, more than that). Will have to leave it at that till later today - sorry....
I do not profess to control my sons thoughts in the least, for starters, but I can control, to some degree, what he knows about me and his Mom and our relationship - as it should be. Yes, he can see the strain - also to some degree. NO, I honestly don't think he can see the drinking so much. hell, I donlt even see it much anymore as she hides it quite well. And she doesn't get "drunk" like most people think of being drunk. She just gets kinda stupid - really. Just sorta thick and not very bright. A little personality change, no slurring unless she is really tanked. Ahhh, but my son did say something the other day. I jokingly said something about him not telling his Mom about something (a bad grade? I forget) until she had had a glass of wine; This completely in jest and not even thinking about the "problem" when I said it. He replied that doing so (waiting till after some wine) would "probably make it even worse". First indication AT ALL he has given that he sees it. I have been more frank about 'it' lately too, so that may be part of his awareness, I don't know.
AGH! I need to go (time). So sorry to start and stop, but I know I wonlt be able to pick back up if I start over.
Had company all week long and things were okay (she did get soused most nights, but no drama, in part thanks to yours truly and you guys' advice on "walking away" figuratively speaking). A little blow up before she went out today when I asked why she tried to have her counselor consult with mine (seems we ended up at the same firm). I meant nothing but to ask why, and she got just a bit testy (okay, more than that). Will have to leave it at that till later today - sorry....
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Continuing with "NED" (Never Ending Drama, if I may borrow that from a poster here):
Yes, I went to a family counseling firm locally after my wife's explosion and accusation in front of our son. I did not tell her but she presumed to know (or somehow checked). Turns out she went to the same place within a week of my going, saw a different counselor there, and asked her to consult with MY counselor. Okay, sorry for this, but either she was sweetly trying te help us get back on track (ahem-BS-ahem) or feeling REALLY insecure knowing she had really "stepped in it" and was trying to get her perspective interjected into the conversation. I'm going with the latter, and I won't even say "possibly". Fast Fwd. to today...
I had been told by my counselor that my wife had seen someone at the same firm and there could be privacy issues. We ironed them out, but here;s the thing: I never knew my wife had been to one to actually suggest the counselor speak with mine - and she never told me till today.
The rest to follow (sorry for interruption again) - consider this "intermission" - LOL!
Yes, I went to a family counseling firm locally after my wife's explosion and accusation in front of our son. I did not tell her but she presumed to know (or somehow checked). Turns out she went to the same place within a week of my going, saw a different counselor there, and asked her to consult with MY counselor. Okay, sorry for this, but either she was sweetly trying te help us get back on track (ahem-BS-ahem) or feeling REALLY insecure knowing she had really "stepped in it" and was trying to get her perspective interjected into the conversation. I'm going with the latter, and I won't even say "possibly". Fast Fwd. to today...
I had been told by my counselor that my wife had seen someone at the same firm and there could be privacy issues. We ironed them out, but here;s the thing: I never knew my wife had been to one to actually suggest the counselor speak with mine - and she never told me till today.
The rest to follow (sorry for interruption again) - consider this "intermission" - LOL!
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okay then, so my wife goes to see a counselor and says, "Hey, why don't you chat with my husband's counselor since we're both at the same place and all...". I only found out from my counselor she had seen someone there - I never knew my wife SUGGESTED the two compare notes. Draw whatever conclusions you like, but here is what transpired today when I learned my wife asked her counselor to consult with mine:
According to wifey, I ATTACKED her today (yesterday actually, as its now early morning now. When I found out she had been the one to suggest conferring counselors without my knowledge, I was on my way outside to mow the lawn, so I had some time to mull it over a bit. When I came back inside, I had but one question: WHY? I was not upset or worried, just curious. I asked in a very neutral and unthreatening way, expecting an innocent explanation; But what I got was defensiveness and aggression. When she would not answer the question but instead danced around it and answered questions I never asked, I asked again, making it clear I was making no accusations or implications - I just wanted to know. All I can say is, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much" (she probably had an ulterior motive). Regardless of that, she got more and more agitated to the point she was yelling while I maintained complete calm, asking why the anger. She was heading out for an appt. by this time and was getting really wound up, and, oddly enough, cursed at me for "doing this to her". THere is nothing hidden here - this was ll that happened and somehow, suddenly, I had "done something" to her. Hmmmmm.....
I asked what I had done, noting my steadily calm demeanor, and she said (drumroll please) that I ATTACKED her. Imagine my disbelief, now having to force myself to remain calm. Was she serious? "Yes", she said. "You came in here with all kinds of accusations and...". I only asked why she told her counselor to contact mine - nothing more, nothing less.
Fast fwd. to when she returned. I wanted nothing to do with her. FInally she asked what was wrong (yes, I was unhappy now and ignoring her) and I blurted out , "Are you serious? After what you pulled today, AGAIN with the charges of having been 'attacked'!?!" She steadfastly maintained that I in fact attacked her (you know, with words and such - even though I had been eating a snack and 25 feet away when this 'happened'). That all ended with me leaving the room mumbling ugly things under my breath, not believing the word 'attack' came up yet again.
So is this her angle - I am a victim here - and is it a legal thing or just how she is dealing with the addiction issues and feeling helpless???
I have to go again (picked this up in the morning, so work to be done), but I can just say that last week we had company ALL week long (a death in family, wife's b'day, in-laws visiting, holiday weekend, blah blah blah...), so I got nothing don eon this and it was actually a nice break from NED, but a day out and NED has returned.
According to wifey, I ATTACKED her today (yesterday actually, as its now early morning now. When I found out she had been the one to suggest conferring counselors without my knowledge, I was on my way outside to mow the lawn, so I had some time to mull it over a bit. When I came back inside, I had but one question: WHY? I was not upset or worried, just curious. I asked in a very neutral and unthreatening way, expecting an innocent explanation; But what I got was defensiveness and aggression. When she would not answer the question but instead danced around it and answered questions I never asked, I asked again, making it clear I was making no accusations or implications - I just wanted to know. All I can say is, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much" (she probably had an ulterior motive). Regardless of that, she got more and more agitated to the point she was yelling while I maintained complete calm, asking why the anger. She was heading out for an appt. by this time and was getting really wound up, and, oddly enough, cursed at me for "doing this to her". THere is nothing hidden here - this was ll that happened and somehow, suddenly, I had "done something" to her. Hmmmmm.....
I asked what I had done, noting my steadily calm demeanor, and she said (drumroll please) that I ATTACKED her. Imagine my disbelief, now having to force myself to remain calm. Was she serious? "Yes", she said. "You came in here with all kinds of accusations and...". I only asked why she told her counselor to contact mine - nothing more, nothing less.
Fast fwd. to when she returned. I wanted nothing to do with her. FInally she asked what was wrong (yes, I was unhappy now and ignoring her) and I blurted out , "Are you serious? After what you pulled today, AGAIN with the charges of having been 'attacked'!?!" She steadfastly maintained that I in fact attacked her (you know, with words and such - even though I had been eating a snack and 25 feet away when this 'happened'). That all ended with me leaving the room mumbling ugly things under my breath, not believing the word 'attack' came up yet again.
So is this her angle - I am a victim here - and is it a legal thing or just how she is dealing with the addiction issues and feeling helpless???
I have to go again (picked this up in the morning, so work to be done), but I can just say that last week we had company ALL week long (a death in family, wife's b'day, in-laws visiting, holiday weekend, blah blah blah...), so I got nothing don eon this and it was actually a nice break from NED, but a day out and NED has returned.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, it sounds like she was using the word "attacked" in its figurative sense. She apparently felt attacked. Oh WELL.
Counselors have a code of ethics that don't allow them to disclose anything you don't permit them to disclose. If I were you, I'd tell the counselor that if the practice keeps her as a patient you will go elsewhere. I think they would make an effort to maintain your privacy (I would HOPE so), but it's a little too close for comfort IMO.
Good job on keeping your cool. Just let her do her thing and don't ask too many questions about what she's doing and why. That's her side of the street. Yours is getting the support YOU need.
Counselors have a code of ethics that don't allow them to disclose anything you don't permit them to disclose. If I were you, I'd tell the counselor that if the practice keeps her as a patient you will go elsewhere. I think they would make an effort to maintain your privacy (I would HOPE so), but it's a little too close for comfort IMO.
Good job on keeping your cool. Just let her do her thing and don't ask too many questions about what she's doing and why. That's her side of the street. Yours is getting the support YOU need.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
As a man who has recently seen his wife do the most irrational things lately, I commend you on your calm. I do the same but none of this is going away and I'm not so sure what to do. I won't hijack here---Best wishes on getting through.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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Oh geesh. What a Drama Queen. Horning in on counseling that's to help YOU. Trying to "save face" and cover her tracks. Do. Not. Engage. Can you just ignore her? I know that's no fun to have to totally detach from the partner you're supposed to be married to, but this marriage sounds so broken. You need to keep your own sanity.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh man...this is not good. Did you get the app Aspire on your phone yet? You need to do this immediately, or at least record her when you have conversations with her to protect yourself. Counselors are mandated reporters. If she is going to cry abuse, they are going to hotline you eventually. I would definitely tell your counselor your concerns about her false accusations also, so it's on the record. Be very careful with wifey.
XXX
XXX
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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The vast majority of states do not have mandatory reporting for spouse abuse, at least when there is no gun or other deadly weapon involved. Often victims do not want the abuse reported--it's different when it comes to children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by anattaboy
As a man who has recently seen his wife do the most irrational things lately, I commend you on your calm. I do the same but none of this is going away and I'm not so sure what to do. I won't hijack here---Best wishes on getting through.
JUst a thought, but its a question I've been meaning to raise.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: virginia
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by Refiner
Oh geesh. What a Drama Queen. Horning in on counseling that's to help YOU. Trying to "save face" and cover her tracks. Do. Not. Engage. Can you just ignore her? I know that's no fun to have to totally detach from the partner you're supposed to be married to, but this marriage sounds so broken. You need to keep your own sanity.
Having let go some - distancing myself more and being more clear about things via input here, counseling, etc. has made a big difference so far, but the more I look at what's happening, the more I think, I wonder, how much of this has been under the surface that I have never noticed, or maybe even been hidden. But mainly I spend menial labor time (yard work) running over scenarios of counseling and realizing it would take years and years and probably never pan out. We would have to start fresh from the current place, which isn't a good one. Just going one day to the next for now . . .
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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One day at a time is a good place to start. Alanon, working the steps with a sponsor and looking towards healing also can help. There is hope, goodness and happiness when we learn how to see it. Baby steps. 
I've found having a counselor licensed in addictions and familiar with emotional abuse can be very beneficial. Some of the other counselors were helpful, but seeing things from a very different viewpoint than what we've been dealing with.
I've found having a counselor licensed in addictions and familiar with emotional abuse can be very beneficial. Some of the other counselors were helpful, but seeing things from a very different viewpoint than what we've been dealing with.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Its infrequent enough (or had been), so I am hoping some of my calm and personal improvements will help me deal better, and maybe, just maybe will inspire her to follow suit.
Just going one day to the next for now . . .
This book, and particularly this passage has helped me so much. I need answers, action, repair and forward momentum NOW, in most aspects of my life. Waiting for answers, results, change, decision and resolution are uncomfortable to say the least, and even physically painful and anxiety riddled for someone like me. The God part works for me - if it doesn't for you, it's whatever your Higher Power is.
This:
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Waiting
Wait. If the time is not right, the way is not clear, the answer or decision not consistent, wait.
We may feel a sense of urgency. We may want to resolve the issue by doing something - anything now, but that action is not in our best interest.
Living with confusion or unsolved problems is difficult. It is easier to resolve things. But making a decision too soon, doing something before it's time, means we may have to go back and redo it.
If the time is not right, wait. If the way is not clear, do not plunge forward. If the answer or decision feels muddy, wait.
In this new way of life, there is a Guiding Force. We do not ever have to move too soon or move out of harmony. Waiting is an action - a positive, forceful action.
Often, waiting is a God-guided action, one with as much power as a decision, and more power than an urgent, ill-timed decision.
We do not have to pressure ourselves by insisting that we do or know something before it's time. When it is time, we will know. We will move into that time naturally and harmoniously. We will have peace and consistency. We will feel empowered in a way we do not feel today.
Deal with the panic, the urgency, and the fear; do not let them control or dictate decisions.
Waiting isn't easy. It isn't fun. But waiting is often necessary to get what we want. It is not dead time; it is not downtime. The answer will come. The power will come. The time will come. And it will be right.
Today, I will wait, if waiting is the action I need in order to take care of myself. I will know that I am taking a positive, forceful action by waiting until the time is right. God, help me let go of my fear, urgency, and panic. Help me learn the art of waiting until the time is right. Help me learn timing.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
"Did you ever hit the nail on the head: This marriage IS so broken. I have realized I am bound and determined to keep a family unless she just continues or gets worse. Its infrequent enough (or had been), so I am hoping some of my calm and personal improvements will help me deal better, and maybe, just maybe will inspire her to follow suit.
Having let go some - distancing myself more and being more clear about things via input here, counseling, etc. has made a big difference so far, but the more I look at what's happening, the more I think, I wonder, how much of this has been under the surface that I have never noticed, or maybe even been hidden. But mainly I spend menial labor time (yard work) running over scenarios of counseling and realizing it would take years and years and probably never pan out. We would have to start fresh from the current place, which isn't a good one. Just going one day to the next for now . . ."
Bob, having been the daughter of an alcoholic father, and having lived with an alcholic husband and seen the effects on our children and step-children, I think your son knows far more than you can imagine.
Even if he cannot articulate it, the tone of your marriage is adversarial and accusative, with the truth hidden and not acknowledged. It is not a happy marriage; it does not model for him what love is between a man and woman; it does not teach him to squarely face conflict and work through it with the other party. He is learning that what is hidden can be left there to fester; that it is dangerous and angry to deal directly with conflict; that people do better when they ignore the truth and the problems than when they face them.
That's what I learned in my childhood, and as a young child and teenager, I believed, without knowing it, that it is better to hide and try to not breathe so that I didn't take up space and no one knew I was there, and avoid being part of the anger. Thirteen is old enough to know a great deal and to find it safer to express little of it.
It takes a lot to come to the point where "keeping the marriage together" no longer is center focus, but sometimes the focus has to move toward what the truth is, whatever the consequence be. Sometimes the way out is to relook at the questions we are asking. What if it was "how can I mentor and model to my son what healthy relationships are?" and "what does my son truly need, and what do I have to do to make sure he grows up emotionally healthy?"
Said with empathy and compassion, keep what you want and ignore the rest.
ShootingStar1
Having let go some - distancing myself more and being more clear about things via input here, counseling, etc. has made a big difference so far, but the more I look at what's happening, the more I think, I wonder, how much of this has been under the surface that I have never noticed, or maybe even been hidden. But mainly I spend menial labor time (yard work) running over scenarios of counseling and realizing it would take years and years and probably never pan out. We would have to start fresh from the current place, which isn't a good one. Just going one day to the next for now . . ."
Bob, having been the daughter of an alcoholic father, and having lived with an alcholic husband and seen the effects on our children and step-children, I think your son knows far more than you can imagine.
Even if he cannot articulate it, the tone of your marriage is adversarial and accusative, with the truth hidden and not acknowledged. It is not a happy marriage; it does not model for him what love is between a man and woman; it does not teach him to squarely face conflict and work through it with the other party. He is learning that what is hidden can be left there to fester; that it is dangerous and angry to deal directly with conflict; that people do better when they ignore the truth and the problems than when they face them.
That's what I learned in my childhood, and as a young child and teenager, I believed, without knowing it, that it is better to hide and try to not breathe so that I didn't take up space and no one knew I was there, and avoid being part of the anger. Thirteen is old enough to know a great deal and to find it safer to express little of it.
It takes a lot to come to the point where "keeping the marriage together" no longer is center focus, but sometimes the focus has to move toward what the truth is, whatever the consequence be. Sometimes the way out is to relook at the questions we are asking. What if it was "how can I mentor and model to my son what healthy relationships are?" and "what does my son truly need, and what do I have to do to make sure he grows up emotionally healthy?"
Said with empathy and compassion, keep what you want and ignore the rest.
ShootingStar1
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