Was what I did wrong? I'm in dire need of outside perspective. Very scary experience.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by Ourtown 
I don't expect perfection out of my boyfriend. What I do expect, however, is for him to meet me half way. I expect for him to participant in a conversation ever. We literally are not allowed to talk about any of these issues because he refuses. I work my ass off with no help and he won't even participate emotionally. I do not try to take about these things on a daily basis. But sometimes I am particularly sad and stressed, when money is a big issue and I feel helpless. I want to discuss it, to try and rectify the situation in any way. I go to him then, I do not "nag" but I explain that I am feeling stressed/sad/whatever and I would really like to talk about it. He blows me off right away, gets annoyed, refuses. Every time.
Sorry, but this isn't an instance of me hitting him on a regular basis because he "isn't perfect." It's an example of me exploding under the pressure and lashing out. Obviously it is wrong, but my boyfriend is not some sad, abused guy whose only fault is not being "perfect."
Sorry, but this isn't an instance of me hitting him on a regular basis because he "isn't perfect." It's an example of me exploding under the pressure and lashing out. Obviously it is wrong, but my boyfriend is not some sad, abused guy whose only fault is not being "perfect."
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It's obvious that you see the dysfunction in your relationship -- you see how his alcoholism has made him dysfunctional, and you see how trying to deal with it has made you dysfunctional.
I think most of us here have done things that people who have never lived with an addict would call crazy. I know I have.
The point I came to, after about four years in Al-Anon and reading (a lot) and posting (a little) here on SR, was that I had tried everything I could think of to get the man I was married to to stop drinking. Nothing had worked. And that stuff that people had been telling me all along suddenly made sense:
I couldn't control his choices.
I could only control my own.
I told him at one point that I wasn't done yet, that I still wanted our marriage to work, but that long-term, unless he got help and got sober, I would leave him. I also told him "this is the only time I will bring this up. I won't try to control your drinking. But I also won't tell you when I've had enough. I'm not threatening; I'm just telling you the truth: I will not spend the rest of my life married to an actively drinking alcoholic."
He laughed at me. And it took me a few more years to get to the point of no return. When I left, he was shocked. He never believed I actually would leave.
I had no control over how he spent money. I had no control over how much he drank. I had no control over how crazy he got when he drank. What I did have control over was how much I was willing to put up with before I took control over my life, and left him to be responsible for his.
I think you're in a dangerous situation. When physical violence enters a relationship, it doesn't leave. I hope you can find a way to stay safe, take care of yourself, and down the line accept that he won't change until he wants to change.
I think most of us here have done things that people who have never lived with an addict would call crazy. I know I have.
The point I came to, after about four years in Al-Anon and reading (a lot) and posting (a little) here on SR, was that I had tried everything I could think of to get the man I was married to to stop drinking. Nothing had worked. And that stuff that people had been telling me all along suddenly made sense:
I couldn't control his choices.
I could only control my own.
I told him at one point that I wasn't done yet, that I still wanted our marriage to work, but that long-term, unless he got help and got sober, I would leave him. I also told him "this is the only time I will bring this up. I won't try to control your drinking. But I also won't tell you when I've had enough. I'm not threatening; I'm just telling you the truth: I will not spend the rest of my life married to an actively drinking alcoholic."
He laughed at me. And it took me a few more years to get to the point of no return. When I left, he was shocked. He never believed I actually would leave.
I had no control over how he spent money. I had no control over how much he drank. I had no control over how crazy he got when he drank. What I did have control over was how much I was willing to put up with before I took control over my life, and left him to be responsible for his.
I think you're in a dangerous situation. When physical violence enters a relationship, it doesn't leave. I hope you can find a way to stay safe, take care of yourself, and down the line accept that he won't change until he wants to change.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
OK, leaving the hitting behind, just my thoughts on this.
1. He has the right to drink. His life, his choice. He is an adult and if he decides to live like this he can. It isn't any of your business.
2. If you make all the money you have the right to decide what YOU want to do with the money, it's yours. You get to decide if you want to give him any.
One of the first things I learned here was the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
IMO, based on being raised by an alcoholic and being married to one for 36 years, this has the potential to end real bad. I don't just mean an ugly breakup or divorce, I mean people going to jail, ending up in the hospital or even dead.
There seems to me to be a very volitile and dangerous dynamic in your household.
Where you want to go from here is totally up to you.
Your friend,
1. He has the right to drink. His life, his choice. He is an adult and if he decides to live like this he can. It isn't any of your business.
2. If you make all the money you have the right to decide what YOU want to do with the money, it's yours. You get to decide if you want to give him any.
One of the first things I learned here was the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
IMO, based on being raised by an alcoholic and being married to one for 36 years, this has the potential to end real bad. I don't just mean an ugly breakup or divorce, I mean people going to jail, ending up in the hospital or even dead.
There seems to me to be a very volitile and dangerous dynamic in your household.
Where you want to go from here is totally up to you.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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OurTown...I have been following your thread. I agree with you that you have a right to control your own money. And, I can see that you do feel a modicum of control by exercising the control over it that you are currently doing. You have set a boundary concerning money and are trying your darndest to enforce that boundary. I get that.
I understand that you do not intend to exit this relationship. Some people do choose to stay. They have the free will to choose to do this, if this is what they want to do.
Within this framework--how can you make life more bearable for yourself? There are tools that can help you. You do not like alanon. There are other supportive groups--Celebrate Recovery is one that others on this forum have used. There are also other groups that are supportive to women/men living with an addicted loved one.
It is in your favor that you are going to a therapist. I believe that you could use more support than you have, right now.
You know--your situation is not unique at all. Even on this forum you can find literally hundreds of other stories from people who have been in your very shoes. You can learn a LOT by reading their stories. The pearls of wisdom are also contained in the various stickies at the top of this main page. I don't know of knowledge ever hurting anyone--even a young person in their 20's.....LOL!!!!!
You strike me that you are very strong-minded. There is a saying on this forum that goes: "Take what you need and leave the rest". I think that is a good way of looking at the various postings that one encounters, here.
Please continue to post and learn...learn...learn....
dandylion
I understand that you do not intend to exit this relationship. Some people do choose to stay. They have the free will to choose to do this, if this is what they want to do.
Within this framework--how can you make life more bearable for yourself? There are tools that can help you. You do not like alanon. There are other supportive groups--Celebrate Recovery is one that others on this forum have used. There are also other groups that are supportive to women/men living with an addicted loved one.
It is in your favor that you are going to a therapist. I believe that you could use more support than you have, right now.
You know--your situation is not unique at all. Even on this forum you can find literally hundreds of other stories from people who have been in your very shoes. You can learn a LOT by reading their stories. The pearls of wisdom are also contained in the various stickies at the top of this main page. I don't know of knowledge ever hurting anyone--even a young person in their 20's.....LOL!!!!!
You strike me that you are very strong-minded. There is a saying on this forum that goes: "Take what you need and leave the rest". I think that is a good way of looking at the various postings that one encounters, here.
Please continue to post and learn...learn...learn....
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I just happened to notice this:
No, he some sad abused guy whose only fault is being an alcoholic and in a relationship with you.
Your friend,
but my boyfriend is not some sad, abused guy whose only fault is not being "perfect."
Your friend,
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Ourtown
There was a time when he was getting drunk almost every night and he was doing things like smoking in the apartment (which isn't allowed as per the lease, and it's a super tiny place and it smelled awful) He would get blackout drunk and stagger outside, fall in the parking lot, come inside with bloody cuts...he would leave the stove on...I didn't feel safe. He keeps very different hours from me, he basically sleeps all day and is up all night. I would be trying to sleep because I had to be up for work and he would be getting blackout drunk, doing very unsafe things. I really felt like I was going to wake up to the house on fire. My anxiety was so bad and I couldn't deal with it anymore so I started taking the money.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Why do we make excuses? You tell a friend that you’re busy with something else because you’d rather just put your feet up and watch the game. You tell yourself that eating that pint of ice cream was fine because you went running the day before so that cancels it out.
To some extent, everyone makes excuses.
When it comes to people making justifications about their unhealthy actions, it can be difficult to see through these excuses or recognize them for what they are.
Why do we want to believe the excuses a partner makes when they’re treating us badly? Sometimes the justifications sound really good. Especially when we’re looking for something — anything — to help make sense of how the person we care for is acting toward us. It’s normal to want to rationalize what’s going on, because abuse is pretty irrational.
Abusive partners are also skilled at coercion and manipulation. They use excuses to make you feel like what’s happening is your fault.
Let’s take a look at common excuses that abusive partners use and talk about why these, like all “reasons,” aren’t justification for violent and hurtful behavior.
“I was drunk/I was using drugs.”
Substance abuse isn’t an excuse for abuse. There are people who drink and use drugs and don’t choose to abuse their partners. Ask yourself: how does your partner act when they’re drunk around their friends? How do they treat you when they’re sober?
A statistics teacher would tell you, “Correlation does not imply causation.” Just because two things happen together (like drinking and violence), it does not mean that one causes the other.
“I control you because I care about you.”
Acting jealous, controlling or possessive is not a way to show someone you care.
“You got in my face/made me mad/got me wound up on purpose, and I had no other choice. I can’t control it.”
Stress and anger issues don’t cause abusive behavior. An abusive partner’s actions are always a choice that they make. Ask yourself: how does your partner react when they are angry with other people? Would they fly off the handle at their boss? Chances are probably not, because they know they can’t get away with that behavior around others.
“I have mental health issues or a personality disorder — ex. I’m bipolar, I have PTSD.”
There are people have these mental health issues and don’t act abusive toward their partners. If an abusive partner is dealing with mental health problems, have they been diagnosed with them? Additionally, mental health issues can be managed in certain ways, like with medication.
“I grew up in a violent home where I experienced or witnessed abuse”
There are a lot of people who grow up in violent homes who choose not to abuse their partners. Many choose this because of how they grew up — they know how it felt to live in that situation and they want healthier relationships for their partner and their family.
Do you find yourself making these excuses for how you act toward your partner? Or, on the other hand, do any of these excuses sound similar to what you’ve heard your partner tell you when they’re treating you badly?
Being able to recognize excuses for what they are — blames, minimizations, denials — can be a step toward realizing that abuse is never the fault of the person on the receiving end. Remember: partners who are abusive always have a choice about their words and actions.
We’re here to talk: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233).
To some extent, everyone makes excuses.
When it comes to people making justifications about their unhealthy actions, it can be difficult to see through these excuses or recognize them for what they are.
Why do we want to believe the excuses a partner makes when they’re treating us badly? Sometimes the justifications sound really good. Especially when we’re looking for something — anything — to help make sense of how the person we care for is acting toward us. It’s normal to want to rationalize what’s going on, because abuse is pretty irrational.
Abusive partners are also skilled at coercion and manipulation. They use excuses to make you feel like what’s happening is your fault.
Let’s take a look at common excuses that abusive partners use and talk about why these, like all “reasons,” aren’t justification for violent and hurtful behavior.
“I was drunk/I was using drugs.”
Substance abuse isn’t an excuse for abuse. There are people who drink and use drugs and don’t choose to abuse their partners. Ask yourself: how does your partner act when they’re drunk around their friends? How do they treat you when they’re sober?
A statistics teacher would tell you, “Correlation does not imply causation.” Just because two things happen together (like drinking and violence), it does not mean that one causes the other.
“I control you because I care about you.”
Acting jealous, controlling or possessive is not a way to show someone you care.
“You got in my face/made me mad/got me wound up on purpose, and I had no other choice. I can’t control it.”
Stress and anger issues don’t cause abusive behavior. An abusive partner’s actions are always a choice that they make. Ask yourself: how does your partner react when they are angry with other people? Would they fly off the handle at their boss? Chances are probably not, because they know they can’t get away with that behavior around others.
“I have mental health issues or a personality disorder — ex. I’m bipolar, I have PTSD.”
There are people have these mental health issues and don’t act abusive toward their partners. If an abusive partner is dealing with mental health problems, have they been diagnosed with them? Additionally, mental health issues can be managed in certain ways, like with medication.
“I grew up in a violent home where I experienced or witnessed abuse”
There are a lot of people who grow up in violent homes who choose not to abuse their partners. Many choose this because of how they grew up — they know how it felt to live in that situation and they want healthier relationships for their partner and their family.
Do you find yourself making these excuses for how you act toward your partner? Or, on the other hand, do any of these excuses sound similar to what you’ve heard your partner tell you when they’re treating you badly?
Being able to recognize excuses for what they are — blames, minimizations, denials — can be a step toward realizing that abuse is never the fault of the person on the receiving end. Remember: partners who are abusive always have a choice about their words and actions.
We’re here to talk: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233).
If you read this page and then re read your own posts you will see everything you wrote except the " I was drunk part" which in your case is "He was drunk". You are a batterer plain and simple.
How can you expect to control him and fix him when you cannot even control yourself?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Ourtown
Each time he says "yeah, maybe I will..." and nothing changes. I'm not sure how that is my fault when I've been supporting him for years?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by Ourtown
I was just reading another thread on this forum where someone said that her husband keeps buying alcohol but he has no job. People jumped all over her, asking "if he has no job how is he getting alcohol??" so apparently if you have a job and your husband is getting alcohol, it's your fault because you make the money and you should control the money. But if you choose to control the money, you're also in the wrong. Talk about a no-win situation.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by m1k3
I just happened to notice this:
No, he some sad abused guy whose only fault is being an alcoholic and in a relationship with you.
Your friend,
No, he some sad abused guy whose only fault is being an alcoholic and in a relationship with you.
Your friend,
He is incredibly depressed but refuses to get help. He is not functioning on any adult level. He refuses to get a job, refuses to help himself or anyone else out. He dismisses me when I cry about how stressed I am about money, when I say that I am trying so hard but I am drowning in this, that I need him to give an inch. He tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it, to deal with it.
He is intelligent and funny as hell and I really do think he is a genuinely good person. I truly love him. He is also selfish, and demeaning and dismissive. He thinks that his stress is more important than mine or anyone else's. He won't given an inch to help me out if it makes him uncomfortable. He has many faults, as everyone does. You are painting a weird picture of who I am and who my boyfriend is based on one situation, which is ignorant.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by Carlotta
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Blame Shifting and Minimizing: There
If you read this page and then re read your own posts you will see everything you wrote except the " I was drunk part" which in your case is "He was drunk". You are a batterer plain and simple.
How can you expect to control him and fix him when you cannot even control yourself?
If you read this page and then re read your own posts you will see everything you wrote except the " I was drunk part" which in your case is "He was drunk". You are a batterer plain and simple.
How can you expect to control him and fix him when you cannot even control yourself?
I expect to control the money that I make because it is my money. Controlling him is a byproduct of controlling my money because he has no money of his own. I am allowed to control the money that I make.
I think it's dramatic to say that I am a 'batterer.' That is inflammatory language. I never said that what I did was right and I already stated that I am in therapy, however people keep jumping all over it, as if I'm defending my actions. He has gotten physical in the past as well. I didn't add it to the post because it is not relevant, but it's not as if he's some poor, abused man who is a victim of abuse and does nothing.
I never said that what I did was right. However what I did does not negate what my boyfriend is doing, either. If you are perfect and never make mistakes then sure, judge away. But I'm guessing that no one on here is perfect or handles situations the "right way" 100% of the time.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Wow, what a catch he is. My jaw is literally on the ground while reading these posts and that "you love him". I'm sorry your self-esteem is that low. I hope you learn some self-respect as you grow more into adulthood.
Behold the power of NO
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If you are perfect and never make mistakes then sure, judge away.
As far as judging goes, I put you exactly on the same level as I would a guy who post on the newcomer to alcoholism section of the forum that he hit his wife but it was only once, that she is hardly a poor battered wife and he was drunk and violence runs in his family ....
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so what IS your purpose for being here? you state you know he has an alcohol problem, but believe he can still drink, even tho bad things happen when he drinks. he freeloads off of you, which you allow, but then complain about the stress of it all. he won't talk to you, LISTEN to you, or in any BE a full partner, but you "love" him and won't let go. it's a completely toxic and dangerous environment but you believe you have it under control. you don't believe in AA or Alanon - in fact you seem to have all the answers......
so what is it that you seek here?
so what is it that you seek here?
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: indianapolis, indiana
Posts: 9
Sounds familiar...
I am very sorry for what you are going through. It's very similar to my experience and many others on this site. I definitley think you need to find out all you can about alcoholism and take it seriously. It is a progressive disease, and will only get worse. I am new here- just kicked my AH boyfirend out 3 weeks ago- sadly with no job, money, car.....so I am still in the "trying to heal" stage, but I am here to tell you- I lived 6 years of pain and misery- with some happiness sprinkled in..fighting for that person that I fell in love with- who was somewhere inside the alcoholic, but not coming back anytime soon, if ever. We are all here for you- try not to be so hard on yourself, but really consider if you want to live this way...and even worse...because it will not go away unless he seeks help and is really serious about quitting forever. You deserve so much more.
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Originally Posted by Carlotta
I am not perfect and I do make mistakes but what I do not do is hit another human being. Fact: you hit your boyfriend. Fact: violence is never acceptable period.
As far as judging goes, I put you exactly on the same level as I would a guy who post on the newcomer to alcoholism section of the forum that he hit his wife but it was only once, that she is hardly a poor battered wife and he was drunk and violence runs in his family ....
As far as judging goes, I put you exactly on the same level as I would a guy who post on the newcomer to alcoholism section of the forum that he hit his wife but it was only once, that she is hardly a poor battered wife and he was drunk and violence runs in his family ....
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so what IS your purpose for being here? you state you know he has an alcohol problem, but believe he can still drink, even tho bad things happen when he drinks. he freeloads off of you, which you allow, but then complain about the stress of it all. he won't talk to you, LISTEN to you, or in any BE a full partner, but you "love" him and won't let go. it's a completely toxic and dangerous environment but you believe you have it under control. you don't believe in AA or Alanon - in fact you seem to have all the answers......
so what is it that you seek here?
so what is it that you seek here?
When did I ever say or even imply that I think that I "have it under control"? Never. In fact, I say the opposite.
I think that AA is a ridiculously antiquated system that needs lots of updating and revamping. Alanon seems just the same. The steps, all of that...it reeks of a cult to me. It made me very uncomfortable. Which is why I am reaching out in other ways, like this forum...although apparently if I don't automatically take everyone's advice, if I have my own opinion and try to discuss it, that means that I "think that I have all of the answers"?
I am allowed to disagree with some things that people are saying. That doesn't mean that I 'think that I have all of the answers.'
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He is incredibly depressed but refuses to get help. He is not functioning on any adult level. He refuses to get a job, refuses to help himself or anyone else out. He dismisses me when I cry about how stressed I am about money, when I say that I am trying so hard but I am drowning in this, that I need him to give an inch. He tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it, to deal with it.
He is intelligent and funny as hell and I really do think he is a genuinely good person. I truly love him. He is also selfish, and demeaning and dismissive. He thinks that his stress is more important than mine or anyone else's. He won't given an inch to help me out if it makes him uncomfortable. He has many faults, as everyone does. You are painting a weird picture of who I am and who my boyfriend is based on one situation, which is ignorant.
He is intelligent and funny as hell and I really do think he is a genuinely good person. I truly love him. He is also selfish, and demeaning and dismissive. He thinks that his stress is more important than mine or anyone else's. He won't given an inch to help me out if it makes him uncomfortable. He has many faults, as everyone does. You are painting a weird picture of who I am and who my boyfriend is based on one situation, which is ignorant.
The best piece of advice I got here when I first started posting was ***don't do anything for him that an otherwise healthy grown man is capable of doing for himself.***
He wants to drink? More power to him. He can pay for it with the money he earns at his job that he arrives at in his car or by the bus he caught or on his own two feet. He's depressed? He should see a real doctor then and get medicated by someone who is capable of helping him. His life fell apart from his depression and alcoholism? That's too bad, but what is he doing about it to help himself? These are rhetorical questions, I don't need or want answers to them. You can lead this horse to water over and over and over again, but this horse ain't thirsty.
Are you, yourself thirsty? This well is dry. Gotta find water somewhere else.
Want a hunting dog? This dog doesn't hunt. Need a different dog.
Going out for bread? Why do you keep stopping at the hardware store?
The guy you want to be with isn't actually this guy sitting in front of you, and he is telling you with his words and his actions that he does not strive to be the partner you want. My STBXAH is also very smart and charming at times, but he was and is also an emotionally manipulative, erratic alcoholic who would go to great lengths, including scaring me and threatening me, to maintain the status quo where I worked, he drank, and nobody said anything to him ever without suffering extreme consequences for demanding he pull his own weight. He threatened suicide when I demanded he figure it out and start paying attention to spending and attempt to earn more money -- one time he tried to hang himself. That bought him a few extra years from me, who was so anxious and worried about his mental health I was afraid to push him. You say the status quo isn't good enough for you anymore. I believe it, sister. But if you want things to change, you're going to have to put this abusive and toxic relationship behind you, figure out what it means to be alone and be okay with that, before you find yourself mired in a series of ****** relationships with all the doors of opportunity behind you, and your hard-earned money turned to vodka poured down some jerk's gullet. How do you get there? Welp, humility helps. You don't have to figure it all out at once, but I do suggest backing off the defensiveness and trying to listen and integrate some of what people are saying to you. A lot of us have been exactly where you are. Scroll back through some of my posts, and listen to me explain how my STBXAH and I were different, and he was so sad, and I wanted to help him. We weren't actually different at all, and my smarts and privilege didn't protect me from suffering extreme consequences related to choosing to stay with him. My help didn't help at all. As with you, all your financial and suggestive "help" is not helping him get better -- yeah?
YOU are responsible for maintaining this relationship -- YOU will have to get comfortable with letting him go, even if changing his life situation means he feels uncomfortable. Chances are, he's not going to change anything as long as you're willing to keep up this hustle. I left my STBXAH, and he is exactly where I left him two years ago -- except in his parents basement, so sad -- unemployed, not seeking treatment, full of excuses, depressed, blaming me.
The great part is that it's your life, and you get to choose. Thanks for posting, keep reading.
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I bet a lot of people here have had physical violence with the A when the A was not the aggressor. It is wrong, but it is part of the craziness that makes up codependence.
I, for one, commend you for being honest. You are taking responsibility for your actions. And I also know what it is like, like I said. And I disagree with some others who said violence can never disappear out of the relationship. I do agree that it is rare, but in my case, after I filed the protective order, we never touched each other again. Either one of us. Ever. And we violated that order the whole time it was in effect, so it's not like there was a cooling off period or any of that. What happened was, it scared him. He realized that he had to be responsible for his actions too. And I admitted that I hit him back on several occasions in open court when we went for the order. You know what the judge said? He said I could have hit him as many times as I wanted to, and he made the choice to not file his own protective order and to hit me back.
I am not making excuses, but I think that some people have forgotten that you came for help, not to be torn apart because you admitted you made a mistake. The past is the past, you can't change what you did, and the only thing you can do is make sure you don't do it again.
I, for one, commend you for being honest. You are taking responsibility for your actions. And I also know what it is like, like I said. And I disagree with some others who said violence can never disappear out of the relationship. I do agree that it is rare, but in my case, after I filed the protective order, we never touched each other again. Either one of us. Ever. And we violated that order the whole time it was in effect, so it's not like there was a cooling off period or any of that. What happened was, it scared him. He realized that he had to be responsible for his actions too. And I admitted that I hit him back on several occasions in open court when we went for the order. You know what the judge said? He said I could have hit him as many times as I wanted to, and he made the choice to not file his own protective order and to hit me back.
I am not making excuses, but I think that some people have forgotten that you came for help, not to be torn apart because you admitted you made a mistake. The past is the past, you can't change what you did, and the only thing you can do is make sure you don't do it again.
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Originally Posted by inpieces314
I bet a lot of people here have had physical violence with the A when the A was not the aggressor. It is wrong, but it is part of the craziness that makes up codependence.
I, for one, commend you for being honest. You are taking responsibility for your actions. And I also know what it is like, like I said. And I disagree with some others who said violence can never disappear out of the relationship. I do agree that it is rare, but in my case, after I filed the protective order, we never touched each other again. Either one of us. Ever. And we violated that order the whole time it was in effect, so it's not like there was a cooling off period or any of that. What happened was, it scared him. He realized that he had to be responsible for his actions too. And I admitted that I hit him back on several occasions in open court when we went for the order. You know what the judge said? He said I could have hit him as many times as I wanted to, and he made the choice to not file his own protective order and to hit me back.
I am not making excuses, but I think that some people have forgotten that you came for help, not to be torn apart because you admitted you made a mistake. The past is the past, you can't change what you did, and the only thing you can do is make sure you don't do it again.
I, for one, commend you for being honest. You are taking responsibility for your actions. And I also know what it is like, like I said. And I disagree with some others who said violence can never disappear out of the relationship. I do agree that it is rare, but in my case, after I filed the protective order, we never touched each other again. Either one of us. Ever. And we violated that order the whole time it was in effect, so it's not like there was a cooling off period or any of that. What happened was, it scared him. He realized that he had to be responsible for his actions too. And I admitted that I hit him back on several occasions in open court when we went for the order. You know what the judge said? He said I could have hit him as many times as I wanted to, and he made the choice to not file his own protective order and to hit me back.
I am not making excuses, but I think that some people have forgotten that you came for help, not to be torn apart because you admitted you made a mistake. The past is the past, you can't change what you did, and the only thing you can do is make sure you don't do it again.
Anyway, I really appreciate you understanding and not ripping me apart like some people are choosing to do.
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