Ourtown

I control the drinking and money because it's the money that I make from working. Why would I hand the money that I make over to him just so he can go out and drink?

It's exhausting to control things this way but it's working, for the most part. Like I said in my OP, I realize it's just a band aid but at this point I will take any solace that I can find.


I am getting help through therapy. However he wasn't calling me crazy because I hit him, he was calling me crazy because I ran away from him because he was physically on top of me trying to take my purse so he could get alcohol. He thought I had no reason to be scared of him and that I was crazy for leaving. That does not make me crazy.

Ourtown

No, I had to run out of the house quickly because he was trying to take my purse and was being aggressive about it. I ran outside in my pajamas with no shoes on, I had no time to find his keys. I wasn't even thinking about that at the time.

Disabling the car wasn't my idea, it was my uncle's. I expressed the fact that I was worried my boyfriend might come looking for me and take the car (sometimes he'll drive around to cool off) but he was drunk and I was worried he might drive.

It's not just his car, it's our car. Actually technically it's my car because my mom bought it for us as a gift.

Stung

Uh huh. Of course. Good for you for supporting yourself financially. Why do you stay with someone who is driving you to the brink of insanity and mooching off of you? Clearly this isn't working and yet you continue to do it hoping for a different outcome. That is THE definition of crazy. He is not your pet or your child. You do not control other adults.

9111111

I once heard someone refer to what you describe above as "drowning with a smile"...sorry for what you are going through.

9111111

So you are legally responsible when he gets into a drunk accident?

BlueSkies1

Do you know why your bf "loves" you?
Maybe, sad to say, only because you support him financially. I can't make that judgment fully, but I do know it is part of why he loves you. Is that ok with you?

Do you know why your bf tolerates your abuse?
Because you support him financially.

Do you know why you are able to justify being so abusive?
Because you support him financially.

Do you know why you "love" him?
Now there's an interesting question.

Your bf has drinking problems, true enough. But, if he ever gets a job, you've just lost ALL YOUR POWER.

This is what happens when there is such an imbalance. He needs to get his life in order, very very true. But you aren't helping him by abusing him, do you see? It's abuse. Abuse doesn't help people get better at taking care of themselves. Abuse doesn't make relationships healthy. Abuse doesn't create love. Control maneuvers aren't love!
Stop justifying abuse and control maneuvers as "helping". Think about that, think deeply about that.

wanttobehealthy

You can control the money by having it be just yours and not enabling your boyfriend to take your money.

Because the solution right now isn't working where you try and micromanage the finances to stop him from reckless spending

If it's your car take his keys now and don't let him use the car and then there is no more worry about his driving your car drunk.

Your boyfriend is out of control and an A and the more you are right that you are being driven to the point of insanity trying to live with him and make life be sane with an A bc it's not possible.

Have you been to al anon at all? What you're feeling and your frustrations are pretty common for those of us who deal with alcoholics. Their disease makes us sick too.

You can't control what he does but you can control what you'll tolerate from him and what you'll allow in your home.

wanttobehealthy

Also I grew up being abused by my mom too and I know the horrible and long term negative impact that had on my life.... I'm sorry you experienced that.

It sounds like the toxicity of you mutually abusive relationship with your boyfriend makes it hard to break the cycle of abuse for you.

What does your therapist say about your relationship with your A boyfriend?

Ourtown

If that is the definition of crazy then I suppose everyone on this forum who is staying with an alcoholic is crazy, yes? It's not as of it's an easy situation. People say stuff like this as if logic and emotions are always 100% aligned. Obviously if it were that easy, no one would ever be in a bad relationship.

It's really simple to lay it out in black or white like that but reality isn't that easy, you know?

Ourtown

Not exactly. It's a weird situation. My mother gifted us the car but because at the time (it was years ago) my boyfriend's father was paying his car insurance, it needed to be in his dad's name. Although my mom paid for it and gave it to me.

It's a weird situation, but no, I would not be legally responsible. However that doesn't mean I'm fine with him taking the car and driving around drunk.

Ourtown

When did I ever say that I was helping him? I'm trying to restore any amount of sanity for myself by controlling the money. There was a time when he was getting drunk almost every night and he was doing things like smoking in the apartment (which isn't allowed as per the lease, and it's a super tiny place and it smelled awful) He would get blackout drunk and stagger outside, fall in the parking lot, come inside with bloody cuts...he would leave the stove on...I didn't feel safe. He keeps very different hours from me, he basically sleeps all day and is up all night. I would be trying to sleep because I had to be up for work and he would be getting blackout drunk, doing very unsafe things. I really felt like I was going to wake up to the house on fire. My anxiety was so bad and I couldn't deal with it anymore so I started taking the money. The situation improved a lot after that.

I have offered him help so many times. I said that I'm not demanding that he gets a job or does anything except focusing on himself and getting mentally better. He is very depressed. I said he can start slow but to please just get some kind of help. He is very resistant to that.

So taking the money and being "controlling" in that way is not to help him, because I've offered help and tried to help for literally years. It is so I can sleep at night because I have to go to work and function on a daily basis.

Stung

Yes. I was acting like a crazy person when I tethered myself to an active alcoholic. I think anyone who does that is acting crazy. Yes.

Not hitting people is black and white. There is no excuse. There is also no excuse to stay in a bad relationship, especially when you have no children together, you're not married, and he is contributing nothing. Where is the motivation to keep this going? What is going to change next time? You cannot control him and you trying to control him is making things go exponentially out of control.

Ourtown

When did I ever give an excuse for the hitting? If I wanted to excuse my behavior, don't you think I would have done that by omitting it from my original post?

The 'no excuse to stay in a bad relationship,' however, is most definitely not black or white. There are many shades of gray when it comes to that topic and it's not as if our relationship is terrible all of the time. I gave one example of a really crappy time.

I can control what happens to my money, and I will continue to do that because it's my money and I don't want it wasted on alcohol. I don't think that's wrong or unfair.

However I do appreciate your replies, I am not trying to argue with you, just discuss it. I feel like good things come out of discussions even if I don't agree with everything you are saying.

wanttobehealthy

This doesn't sound like someone who is giving you anything in this relationship. And he's resistant to getting help and making it clear he won't change.

So you have to decide whether you want to continue a relationship with someone whose behavior you dislike and who has made if clear he doesn't intend to change.

Again, sounds to me like you're not getting much of anything but grief from this relationship.

Staying bc of a hope he will choose to get well one day means you may end up much older like me and look back with regret at all the time you lost trying to help someone who seems to have made it pretty clear that he doesn't want help.

Ourtown

wanttobehealthy, thank you for your reply. It is really making me think.

BlueSkies1

The thing is, you're not just trying to control the money and keep your sanity. You're trying to control, and somewhat succeeding, which unfortunately reinforces your belief you are doing the right thing, when you're not.
You're trying to control another adult. Yes, he acts like a child. But he can't grow up if you continue to treat him like a child with control maneuvers.
Control isn't loving at all, it isn't love.
I know this is hard to see, that you are not just trying to control the outcome of your own life, but that you are trying to control another person.
You are incompatible with how he wants to live, and he tolerates it because you are the bank.
I would highly suggest you do insist he gets a job. It would balance the relationship much better.
He would take some of his own power back, which he should.
You would lose power over him, which would be good for you.
It's not right to have that kind of power over another adult, and herein lies the imbalance.

wanttobehealthy

Why doesn't your boyfriend have a job? Outright refusal?

What does your therapist say about this relationship?

Ourtown

Except if he got a job, he would have lots of money to spend on alcohol. I'm not sure how that would make the situation better. He was getting blackout drunk and putting us both in dangerous situations when he was drinking before.

But I do see your point and although I'm actively fighting it, I see what you mean and am taking it in and mulling it over. Thank you for your input.

BlueSkies1

You are right, he would have money to spend on alcohol.
Adults are allowed to do that, you see.
You or I may not LIKE it, but our likes do not supersede another person's legal rights, nor their choices to live as they want to.
That is why I said you are incompatible.

Ourtown

Ahh it's kind of a long story but I will try to make it short.

He had a job working for his dad, making okay money (not great by any means but okay) we were young at that point, early 20s, and we were so happy and in love and we moved in together. He has a history of bad anxiety and depression and that got worse and worse over the next few years as he worked for his dad. It got to the point where he was suicidal and I was very afraid for him. He said he hated the job but felt stuck because it was his dad and he felt he couldn't leave. I told him that we could move back closer to my family, move in to my uncle's house (he had an empty apt) until I could find a job and get us on our feet in our own apartment and my boyfriend could go back to school. My boyfriend is insanely smart, I am not just being biased. He is very intelligent.

So that is what we did. I got a job and he went back to school. Except a year into school, his anxiety got really bad again. He had to commute about 2 hours a day for school and it was really wearing on him. So he quit school, intending to go back...but he never did. It's been years now and I'm working, trying to support us both but I barely can with the money I make.

I have cried, pleaded, explained that I am so stressed by money and the burden of everything on my shoulders. He is incredibly anxious and depressed, and he is seeing a primary care doctor for depression medicine but he is not a therapist, only a medical doctor.

So anyway, yes, I guess it's outright refusal. He needs to deal with his underlying anxiety and depression because he is paralyzed by it. That is how is drinking got really bad, he was self medicating to deal with his stress/anxiety.

My therapist thinks that things are very toxic and that I really need to make choices about if this is how I want my life to be. A lot of the same stuff that people on here are saying. I can tell she probably thinks we need to break up but won't/can't say that straight out because you can't really be in the business of telling people what to do when you're in her position. She is trying to steer me into making my own decisions.

I am slowly dealing with everything in therapy but it takes time and I have my own personal issues on top of it all. It's all a big mess right now.