poolsideGal

Five years ago, I was involved with an A, who I let stay at my home. It turned out that after I called 911 one night, when he made threats to me, I was the one who spent the night in jail. I'm not wanting to spill the details online. But the way it went down that night wasn't right, and it cost me a lot of money. Luckily, he did leave my place the next day, which meant I could go back to my own home without breaking the 'no contact' order.

wanttobehealthy

I think this is sadly a far far too familiar experience. The abuser gets the abused arrested.

I have educated myself a lot since that happened to me and found many many women and many many tales of the same happening to others.

Police are sorely undereducated about abuse and violence...

aw58

Hi first when you say , you both know he has a drinking problem, this is NOT your problem but his. You can not control another persons life by taking their money disabling their car hitting them. Anyone being controlled like that will rebel and so they should. You need to take a step back, this has become a toxic relationship. I know you have known him a long time and I know you think you are helping him but youre not. You are getting extremely frustrated at not being able to stop him drinking, and lashing out , but the only one that can stop him drinking is himself. So either leave him or let him be and accept the situation..

POAndrea

Yes, you are "crazy." We all here are or have been crazy, because living with an alcoholic in a crazy environment often means we will do crazy things. But I'm afraid to say that at least two of the actions you've described have gone beyond crazy to criminal. You took another person's money and refused to return it. And you hit that person to keep it. That is Theft (exerting unauthorized control over property belonging to another) and either Domestic Battery or Aggravated Battery, depending on the laws in your state. Think how a prosecutor could describe this behavior: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant stole money from the victim, refused to return it, and then repeatedly struck him as he attempted to regain control over the property which was lawfully his." Your attorney could argue "Well, he was just going to spend it on booze anyway", but I still don't think it would end very well for you. Particularly when you do take his cash and bank cards on a regular basis.

That being said, my heart goes out to you, because I know you are suffering under very trying circumstances and just want things to be better. But this is not the way to go about it. You've acknowledged physical violence is unacceptable, but you're still engaging in it. You have a strong (and correct, imho) belief that you have the right to determine how your money is spent, yet you deny that same right to your partner. You are doing a couple crazy things that clearly violate your own beliefs and principles, and that is a problem. Good news is this is a problem where the solution is entirely within your control. You can't make him quit drinking, but you can stop stealing and battering. If you can't do that in this relationship, or more importantly, think you don't even have to, then maybe you should rethink the relationship. You deserve to be in an environment that makes it easy for you to behave in ways consistent with your personal beliefs and values. Breaking your own rules and betraying your own convictions is damaging to your soul, for lack of a better word.

Bottom line: you did things you KNOW to be wrong, and it sounds like you rightfully fear you may do them again in the future. Now what are you going to DO about it?

(Oh, as as for disabling the car? Legally, I'm sure it would be more defensible if you have partial ownership and so can do any dang thing you like with it. Ethically, I suppose that's up to you. For me, if there's something I feel I need to keep secret or hide, then it's something I don't want any part of. If you can't tell your boyfriend, then it's likely something you don't want to do. Right or wrong, however, the unsuspecting motorists on the road are probably pretty grateful....)

littlefish

Well, this is probably not at all along the lines of regular codependent advice, but maybe you are sticking with this relationship ourtown because it sounds like he is the first guy, the first love, first live-with or if not the first, fairly close to the first big real deal.

Maybe if feels like walking away would be a lot of wasted years? Or the betrayal of a commitment? Maybe you were hoping to spend your whole life with one guy. But, it's very normal and healthy to have a few relationships before settling down.

It's not just normal and healthy, it could mean your sanity and well being in this case.

If you haven't dated different guys, how do you know what kind of person you are truly compatible with? You are obviously not at all compatible with this guy and he is stealing the best years of your life by dragging you down.
Don't you want something better?
I would suggest that you take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really like the sadness and disappointment, because that is a component of many codependents behaviors: getting real comfortable with being the martyr and the victim in a relationship.
It's a tough truth to face, but once you do, and if you are a martyr type, (I'm not saying you are, but it's possible), then facing that can help you move on and start changing that behavior.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a boyfriend who has a job, can take you out to dinner, plan a future together, not get drunk all the time?

Pearlie52

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

allysen

Hi Ourtown. Thank you for posting your story. Much of it reminds me of my own. When I finally made the decision to leave my XAH, it was because it had had enough of myself. I didn't like who I had become. And I knew even if he became sober, I would never want to be in that relationship with him again. You already know that there are things you are doing that are not helpful, and that make you feel guilty. Why not separate from him so you can work on yourself and change that?

You sound independent, brave, intelligent & articulate. Why not break free and see how strong you really are on your own? See who you can become?

fairlyuncertain

You are living with a person suffering from depression and anxiety, plus alcoholism and/or self-medicating with alcohol.
No successful therapy for these things involves taking money, yelling, blaming that person for not being well or taking the car.

Here is a man who needs help. He is not able to meet your needs, because he is not well. That is the reality of your situation. He needs something you can't give. And you can't MAKE him get help.

You need financial assistance. A listening ear. A loving partner who is there for you. Help with your anger and abusiveness. He can't MAKE you get help, and he won't give it to you. Just like him--YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR OWN HELP.

If you are uncontrollably frustrated with him, do both of you a favor and walk away or kick him out. If neither of you are getting your needs met, it isn't 'kicking him when he's down.' You set the stage for a healthier existence for both of you. I wish you both sanity, peace and joy.
If al-anon is a cult, it's a pretty lax one. I come and go as I please, get a great deal of wisdom and peace--don't knock it till you try it.