Was what I did wrong? I'm in dire need of outside perspective. Very scary experience.
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Originally Posted by BlueSkies1 
You are right, he would have money to spend on alcohol.
Adults are allowed to do that, you see.
You or I may not LIKE it, but our likes do not supersede another person's legal rights, nor their choices to live as they want to.
That is why I said you are incompatible.
Adults are allowed to do that, you see.
You or I may not LIKE it, but our likes do not supersede another person's legal rights, nor their choices to live as they want to.
That is why I said you are incompatible.
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Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
That's where the heartbreak is in alcoholism, ourtown.
They have the right to self-destruct.
They have the right to self-destruct.
If someone was suicidal and you knew they would go out and buy a gun, would you willingly step down and allow them to do so? Or would you think that they are not mentally capable of making decisions like that in their current state of mind and try to save them from themselves?
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Originally Posted by dessy
Understand where your coming fom ive snapped and hit or shoved AH when he was yelling in my face. Sometimes it can happen where only human. Not proud of it but changes are needed
Anyway, thank you for your reply.
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His birthday money was not yours. you took it. controlling his choices.
this is really a dangerous situation. He needs to get help. You need to get help.
Don't be surprised when he files charges against you.
Why are you here at SR? We cannot validate crazy stuff, but we can help you to help yourself. Glad you are getting therapy. I hope you are continuing to go.
You have to be willing to look at what you are doing, in this relationship. Otherwise, nothing will change.
this is really a dangerous situation. He needs to get help. You need to get help.
Don't be surprised when he files charges against you.
Why are you here at SR? We cannot validate crazy stuff, but we can help you to help yourself. Glad you are getting therapy. I hope you are continuing to go.
You have to be willing to look at what you are doing, in this relationship. Otherwise, nothing will change.
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Posts: 453
Hey there,
I just wanted to share a little of my story. I spent a lot of time in toxic relationships with active alcoholics/addicts and I'm also a (recovered) alcoholic. I loved my boyfriends and stayed with them as long as I could. I was also often the provider in the relationship. Lots of fighting and drama.
I'm in my early 40's now and after years of bad relationships and drama, I'm finding I have to learn from scratch what a good relationship is. The more time I spent in bad relationships, the more used to them I got, and the harder it has become to mentally recover from them and learn--and feel--what healthy relationships are.
You sound so much like me when I was in my 20's and I want to reach out to you and hug you and tell you to run. Start learning now how to be healthy. Be single and learn how to love yourself and treat yourself right. (Forgive me if I got your age wrong.) It gets harder (but not impossible) the older you get.
With no kids, there's no reason to subject yourself to a relationship that seems to be making you miserable. Of course it's not an easy situation and heartbreak doesn't care if it's a good or bad relationship. I had my life threatened indirectly by a man I loved and I still cried for a year after it ended. I get that.
But sometimes life decisions should be made on not feelings, but by knowledge of what's good for you.
It's your life, though, so do as you will. I just hope you'll listen and consider what people are saying.
Take care of yourself, ok?
I just wanted to share a little of my story. I spent a lot of time in toxic relationships with active alcoholics/addicts and I'm also a (recovered) alcoholic. I loved my boyfriends and stayed with them as long as I could. I was also often the provider in the relationship. Lots of fighting and drama.
I'm in my early 40's now and after years of bad relationships and drama, I'm finding I have to learn from scratch what a good relationship is. The more time I spent in bad relationships, the more used to them I got, and the harder it has become to mentally recover from them and learn--and feel--what healthy relationships are.
You sound so much like me when I was in my 20's and I want to reach out to you and hug you and tell you to run. Start learning now how to be healthy. Be single and learn how to love yourself and treat yourself right. (Forgive me if I got your age wrong.) It gets harder (but not impossible) the older you get.
With no kids, there's no reason to subject yourself to a relationship that seems to be making you miserable. Of course it's not an easy situation and heartbreak doesn't care if it's a good or bad relationship. I had my life threatened indirectly by a man I loved and I still cried for a year after it ended. I get that.
But sometimes life decisions should be made on not feelings, but by knowledge of what's good for you.
It's your life, though, so do as you will. I just hope you'll listen and consider what people are saying.
Take care of yourself, ok?
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The three C's (antiquated, yes, but still true)
about his drinking.
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
So how are you helping him? There is a lot to learn. Read some of the stickies here, and you will find many stories like your own. sometimes we are so caught up in the craziness, and if you come from a dysfunctional background, there is a lot of work you need to do, on your own. dealing with someone with a problem is even harder when you are at a disadvantage, emotionally.
about his drinking.
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
So how are you helping him? There is a lot to learn. Read some of the stickies here, and you will find many stories like your own. sometimes we are so caught up in the craziness, and if you come from a dysfunctional background, there is a lot of work you need to do, on your own. dealing with someone with a problem is even harder when you are at a disadvantage, emotionally.
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Originally Posted by chicory
His birthday money was not yours. you took it. controlling his choices.
Why are you here at SR? We cannot validate crazy stuff, but we can help you to help yourself. Glad you are getting therapy. I hope you are continuing to go.
You have to be willing to look at what you are doing, in this relationship. Otherwise, nothing will change.
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Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by Ourtown
Hmm...I'm not sure that I agree with that.
If someone was suicidal and you knew they would go out and buy a gun, would you willingly step down and allow them to do so? Or would you think that they are not mentally capable of making decisions like that in their current state of mind and try to save them from themselves?
If someone was suicidal and you knew they would go out and buy a gun, would you willingly step down and allow them to do so? Or would you think that they are not mentally capable of making decisions like that in their current state of mind and try to save them from themselves?
Tell me just how the world is going to stop them. Not even getting the law involved and getting them committed in a psych ward lasts for more than a weekend.
Bottom line is we don't control other people. When we try to, we are wrong because of the created imbalance in the relationship. Imbalanced romantic relationships in which one person is trying to control another, are sick relationships.
What I am trying to get at here is how to create a healthier more balanced and productive relationship for you and your bf. The way this is done is to get him to take more responsibility for his own life, and if, along that path the two of you find out that you are not compatible because of his drinking or any other choice the two of you may make independently as adults, then accept that.
He's not getting any better the way things are going right now. He has no power over his own life. He is abused by you, controlled by you. He has no job, no say in how his life is going. How would you feel in his shoes? Imagine he had a job and you didn't. Imagine he then said you can't drive the car, can't wear makeup because it is bad for your skin. You can't watch that tv program, he doesn't think it is good for you. Different than alcohol? Yes. However, not as much as you may think.
We would call that an abused woman.
He is an abused man. An alcoholic abused man? Quite possibly. But abused nevertheless.
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Originally Posted by CupofJoe
Hey there,
I just wanted to share a little of my story. I spent a lot of time in toxic relationships with active alcoholics/addicts and I'm also a (recovered) alcoholic. I loved my boyfriends and stayed with them as long as I could. I was also often the provider in the relationship. Lots of fighting and drama.
I'm in my early 40's now and after years of bad relationships and drama, I'm finding I have to learn from scratch what a good relationship is. The more time I spent in bad relationships, the more used to them I got, and the harder it has become to mentally recover from them and learn--and feel--what healthy relationships are.
You sound so much like me when I was in my 20's and I want to reach out to you and hug you and tell you to run. Start learning now how to be healthy. Be single and learn how to love yourself and treat yourself right. (Forgive me if I got your age wrong.) It gets harder (but not impossible) the older you get.
With no kids, there's no reason to subject yourself to a relationship that seems to be making you miserable. Of course it's not an easy situation and heartbreak doesn't care if it's a good or bad relationship. I had my life threatened indirectly by a man I loved and I still cried for a year after it ended. I get that.
But sometimes life decisions should be made on not feelings, but by knowledge of what's good for you.
It's your life, though, so do as you will. I just hope you'll listen and consider what people are saying.
Take care of yourself, ok?
I just wanted to share a little of my story. I spent a lot of time in toxic relationships with active alcoholics/addicts and I'm also a (recovered) alcoholic. I loved my boyfriends and stayed with them as long as I could. I was also often the provider in the relationship. Lots of fighting and drama.
I'm in my early 40's now and after years of bad relationships and drama, I'm finding I have to learn from scratch what a good relationship is. The more time I spent in bad relationships, the more used to them I got, and the harder it has become to mentally recover from them and learn--and feel--what healthy relationships are.
You sound so much like me when I was in my 20's and I want to reach out to you and hug you and tell you to run. Start learning now how to be healthy. Be single and learn how to love yourself and treat yourself right. (Forgive me if I got your age wrong.) It gets harder (but not impossible) the older you get.
With no kids, there's no reason to subject yourself to a relationship that seems to be making you miserable. Of course it's not an easy situation and heartbreak doesn't care if it's a good or bad relationship. I had my life threatened indirectly by a man I loved and I still cried for a year after it ended. I get that.
But sometimes life decisions should be made on not feelings, but by knowledge of what's good for you.
It's your life, though, so do as you will. I just hope you'll listen and consider what people are saying.
Take care of yourself, ok?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by chicory
The three C's (antiquated, yes, but still true)
about his drinking.
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
So how are you helping him? There is a lot to learn. Read some of the stickies here, and you will find many stories like your own. sometimes we are so caught up in the craziness, and if you come from a dysfunctional background, there is a lot of work you need to do, on your own. dealing with someone with a problem is even harder when you are at a disadvantage, emotionally.
about his drinking.
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
So how are you helping him? There is a lot to learn. Read some of the stickies here, and you will find many stories like your own. sometimes we are so caught up in the craziness, and if you come from a dysfunctional background, there is a lot of work you need to do, on your own. dealing with someone with a problem is even harder when you are at a disadvantage, emotionally.
But anyway, thanks for your reply. I am in therapy trying to deal with my own issues but yes, it is insanely difficult dealing with my own issues when I am also dealing with my boyfriend's issues.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
I was hit by my partner. Many times. Shoved and slapped and how I wish
in retrospect that I stopped trying to be perfect to keep the peace.
If she wanted to talk about something, she pestered and nagged and followed
me around trying to "talk about it". I was a nervous wreck...still am at times
and she's been gone for 4 years now.
More than anything, in my eyes, that I saw destroying both of us was her lack
of being able to focus on herself. It was like she just could not stop from putting
all her energies in me, her past, her family, people online...etc.
There was no hope of anything changing, long term, with me doing things
out of fear and her trying to make sure I stayed in a box.
I feel in the end, her heart just broke under the strain of not being able
to come to some peace with not trying to control things outside of herself.
all my best to you both
edited to say - she didn't "hit me everyday" either. Made it almost worse cause I wasn't
expecting it...till eventually I did expect it. It took years.
in retrospect that I stopped trying to be perfect to keep the peace.
If she wanted to talk about something, she pestered and nagged and followed
me around trying to "talk about it". I was a nervous wreck...still am at times
and she's been gone for 4 years now.
More than anything, in my eyes, that I saw destroying both of us was her lack
of being able to focus on herself. It was like she just could not stop from putting
all her energies in me, her past, her family, people online...etc.
There was no hope of anything changing, long term, with me doing things
out of fear and her trying to make sure I stayed in a box.
I feel in the end, her heart just broke under the strain of not being able
to come to some peace with not trying to control things outside of herself.
all my best to you both
edited to say - she didn't "hit me everyday" either. Made it almost worse cause I wasn't
expecting it...till eventually I did expect it. It took years.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
What I am trying to get at here is how to create a healthier more balanced and productive relationship for you and your bf. The way this is done is to get him to take more responsibility for his own life, and if, along that path the two of you find out that you are not compatible because of his drinking or any other choice the two of you may make independently as adults, then accept that.
He's not getting any better the way things are going right now. He has no power over his own life. He is abused by you, controlled by you. He has no job, no say in how his life is going. How would you feel in his shoes? Imagine he had a job and you didn't. Imagine he then said you can't drive the car, can't wear makeup because it is bad for your skin. You can't watch that tv program, he doesn't think it is good for you. Different than alcohol? Yes. However, not as much as you may think.
We would call that an abused woman.
He is an abused man. An alcoholic abused man? Quite possibly. But abused nevertheless.
He's not getting any better the way things are going right now. He has no power over his own life. He is abused by you, controlled by you. He has no job, no say in how his life is going. How would you feel in his shoes? Imagine he had a job and you didn't. Imagine he then said you can't drive the car, can't wear makeup because it is bad for your skin. You can't watch that tv program, he doesn't think it is good for you. Different than alcohol? Yes. However, not as much as you may think.
We would call that an abused woman.
He is an abused man. An alcoholic abused man? Quite possibly. But abused nevertheless.
The scenarios you presented are honestly not relevant to this situation at all. I don't want him to spend money on alcohol, period. I don't care what he does besides that. I have told him that he can buy anything he wants, he can do anything he wants, I just don't want him to spend the money on alcohol. You're seriously saying that asking one thing of your significant other is controlling and abusive? Really? So no matter what your partner does, you have to be okay with it? People are allowed to have boundaries. That does not make me controlling. I am controlling the money because I trusted him for literally years with it and he broke my trust over and over. I hate having to do all of the shopping, I work all day and have to go shopping too because I can't ask him to please run to the store to help me out, because I'm afraid he'll buy alcohol.
He has no say in how his life is going because he chooses to do nothing. I have told him I will support him if he wants to get help. I have told him (and I have) that I will support him if he wants to go back to school. I have asked him to please get a job so that I'm not the only one contributing.
Each time he says "yeah, maybe I will..." and nothing changes. I'm not sure how that is my fault when I've been supporting him for years?
I was just reading another thread on this forum where someone said that her husband keeps buying alcohol but he has no job. People jumped all over her, asking "if he has no job how is he getting alcohol??" so apparently if you have a job and your husband is getting alcohol, it's your fault because you make the money and you should control the money. But if you choose to control the money, you're also in the wrong. Talk about a no-win situation.
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Originally Posted by Lethe
I was hit by my partner. Many times. Shoved and slapped and how I wish
in retrospect that I stopped trying to be perfect to keep the peace.
If she wanted to talk about something, she pestered and nagged and followed
me around trying to "talk about it". I was a nervous wreck...still am at times
and she's been gone for 4 years now.
More than anything, in my eyes, that I saw destroying both of us was her lack
of being able to focus on herself. It was like she just could not stop from putting
all her energies in me, her past, her family, people online...etc.
There was no hope of anything changing, long term, with me doing things
out of fear and her trying to make sure I stayed in a box.
I feel in the end, her heart just broke under the strain of not being able
to come to some peace with not trying to control things outside of herself.
all my best to you both
edited to say - she didn't "hit me everyday" either. Made it almost worse cause I wasn't
expecting it...till eventually I did expect it. It took years.
in retrospect that I stopped trying to be perfect to keep the peace.
If she wanted to talk about something, she pestered and nagged and followed
me around trying to "talk about it". I was a nervous wreck...still am at times
and she's been gone for 4 years now.
More than anything, in my eyes, that I saw destroying both of us was her lack
of being able to focus on herself. It was like she just could not stop from putting
all her energies in me, her past, her family, people online...etc.
There was no hope of anything changing, long term, with me doing things
out of fear and her trying to make sure I stayed in a box.
I feel in the end, her heart just broke under the strain of not being able
to come to some peace with not trying to control things outside of herself.
all my best to you both
edited to say - she didn't "hit me everyday" either. Made it almost worse cause I wasn't
expecting it...till eventually I did expect it. It took years.
Sorry, but this isn't an instance of me hitting him on a regular basis because he "isn't perfect." It's an example of me exploding under the pressure and lashing out. Obviously it is wrong, but my boyfriend is not some sad, abused guy whose only fault is not being "perfect."
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Yeah, it is a no-win. You are right!
Now we're getting somewhere. You exert a power over him that you shouldn't have in the first place. As an adult he should be able to make that choice for himself, drink or not drink. His life, his choice, even if from our view it is a very ****** choice.
You're not supposed to have this kind of power over another adult. Period. It doesn't matter what the issue is, alcohol, or whatever!
Him not having a job may be a choice that he is making. You continuing to support him is a choice you are making, see?
Give this man back his dignity by insisting he gets a job.
Don't think that supporting him is good for him, or you.
Is it ok to have a partner that doesn't have any dignity? No it's not.
Is it ok for you to call it love when your partner doesn't have dignity? How can you call it love in that case?
Now we're getting somewhere. You exert a power over him that you shouldn't have in the first place. As an adult he should be able to make that choice for himself, drink or not drink. His life, his choice, even if from our view it is a very ****** choice.
You're not supposed to have this kind of power over another adult. Period. It doesn't matter what the issue is, alcohol, or whatever!
Him not having a job may be a choice that he is making. You continuing to support him is a choice you are making, see?
Give this man back his dignity by insisting he gets a job.
Don't think that supporting him is good for him, or you.
Is it ok to have a partner that doesn't have any dignity? No it's not.
Is it ok for you to call it love when your partner doesn't have dignity? How can you call it love in that case?
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Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by Ourtown
I don't expect perfection out of my boyfriend. What I do expect, however, is for him to meet me half way. I expect for him to participant in a conversation ever. We literally are not allowed to talk about any of these issues because he refuses. I work my ass off with no help and he won't even participate emotionally. I do not try to take about these things on a daily basis. But sometimes I am particularly sad and stressed, when money is a big issue and I feel helpless. I want to discuss it, to try and rectify the situation in any way. I go to him then, I do not "nag" but I explain that I am feeling stressed/sad/whatever and I would really like to talk about it. He blows me off right away, gets annoyed, refuses. Every time.
Sorry, but this isn't an instance of me hitting him on a regular basis because he "isn't perfect." It's an example of me exploding under the pressure and lashing out. Obviously it is wrong, but my boyfriend is not some sad, abused guy whose only fault is not being "perfect."
I thought that you had said you were trying to help him. sorry to misunderstand you.
I had to call police on my adult alcoholic son a few months back. the cop was very nice, looked at me and said-"Ma'am, he has every right to drink and get drunk- he's 40 years old, and of legal age to drink, get drunk, miss work, etc."
He went on to say..."What you have to ask yourself is, do you want to live this way? you have every right to have boundaries, and to make him leave, and enabeling him is not good for either of you".
Made me really think about things .
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Posts: 2,582
Hi,
Without reading all 50 something other posts, you are about 20, I think? You started dating at 12 and have been together 8 years, so 20? You are very young and have a long life ahead of you. Don't let yourself get dragged down by someone else's demons. You love this man right now, but what if this is as good as it gets? His problem drinking increases and your violent reactions increase too. Is this the life you want and envision for yourself? Do you like taking care of him like a mother? If so, why? What if you have kids and you need to take care of them too, because they are babies, not a grown man.
You have no control or choice about whether he drinks or what he chooses to spend money on (including alcohol and whatever else) because he is adult, like you. However, you can choose to set boundaries for yourself (not him) and decide that you don't want to be with a man who abuses alcohol or gets drunk. The choice to be with him is your only choice in this situation.
Without reading all 50 something other posts, you are about 20, I think? You started dating at 12 and have been together 8 years, so 20? You are very young and have a long life ahead of you. Don't let yourself get dragged down by someone else's demons. You love this man right now, but what if this is as good as it gets? His problem drinking increases and your violent reactions increase too. Is this the life you want and envision for yourself? Do you like taking care of him like a mother? If so, why? What if you have kids and you need to take care of them too, because they are babies, not a grown man.
You have no control or choice about whether he drinks or what he chooses to spend money on (including alcohol and whatever else) because he is adult, like you. However, you can choose to set boundaries for yourself (not him) and decide that you don't want to be with a man who abuses alcohol or gets drunk. The choice to be with him is your only choice in this situation.
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
Without reading all 50 something other posts, you are about 20, I think? You started dating at 12 and have been together 8 years, so 20
You have no control or choice about whether he drinks or what he chooses to spend money on
Thank you for your reply.
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