Ourtown

Edit: The question I posted in my title was about disabling the car. I absolutely know that I handled the situation very poorly in other ways.

So it's my boyfriend's birthday today. We decided to have a BBQ with some of my family members (his live far away) so we got together and hung out, and yes, everyone was drinking. My boyfriend included. This is partially my fault because I guess I don't fully buy into the whole "if you're an alcoholic you can never, ever drink. I dunno. I guess I feel like there might be some gray and not just black and white, I guess? I take a lot of issue with AA and how antiquated it is. But I digress.

So everyone was drinking (not me, I don't drink at all) and it was a great time! Of course I noticed my boyfriend was getting drunker than other people but he also hasn't really been drinking at all lately so I thought his tolerance is lower than before. I'm not sure. Later on my uncle said that my boyfriend could not have had more than 5 or 6 beers, which is a decent amount but for my boyfriend, it's not that much. So I'm confused about it. Anyway, he was getting drunk but it was okay. Things weren't awful. We decided to walk home (we live super close to where the BBQ was) and I was kind of annoyed that he was as drunk as he was so I was commenting on the fact that he was staggering and how no one else got that drunk.

Let me stop here and say that we both know he has a drinking problem. It's a known fact between the 2 of us and he tried AA (we went together for a while) and it pretty much sucked. It put both of us off for many reasons. So anyway, drinking is a contentious issue between us but people get together and drink and have a good time, and I've seen him do it. Although not lately, I guess. Anyway, by the time we got home he was acting really weird. I can't really explain it but he was just...not right. I kept badgering him, asking him what was wrong and stuff. I could tell he wasn't right. He started getting mean and snippy (very not like him when he's drinking...he's usually very happy, although less so now that I have an issue with him being drunk all of the time)

I'll cut to the chase: He started saying really mean things and it made me really pissed off and hurt. In the back of my mind I knew that I shouldn't mess with a drunk person, don't poke the bear, but I wasn't really thinking clearly. I wound up hitting him more than once (not proud of it, at all) and he did nothing. I walked out and cried for a long time. I had to be up for work in the morning so I laid in bed and tried to sleep. I was listening to music and trying to cry it out and go to sleep and he came in, turned the light on and demanded that I give him money to go by beer.

I take his bank card and all of his cash so he can't go buy beer when I'm not around. I work, he doesn't. He stays at home and for a while he was drinking almost every night. It was getting really bad so I started taking his money. I realize it is only putting a band aid on the problem but I am barely treading water in my life and I'll settle for a band aid right now. He was given cash for his birthday which I promptly took and put in my purse. He came in demanding the money. I told him to go away, I had to work in the AM and needed to sleep. He said "I'm bigger than you and I'm getting the money." I said no effing way was he getting the money, and to leave me alone. He basically got on top of me and started to go after my purse (I sleep next to it) so I bit him as hard as I could on the arm and started screaming. He was really freaking me the hell out, he was acting scary and unpredictable. He still wouldn't stop and kept saying "I'm bigger than you are" so I kicked him in the chest to get him off of me, grabbed my purse and ran out of my apartment.

I was in pajamas and bare feet. I didn't care. I was running to my uncle's house (where we had the BBQ) I turned around at one point and saw my boyfriend running after me which scared the crap out of me more. I was in bare feet and running on pavement but I outran him and I guess he gave up. I knocked on my uncle's door and explained what was going on and that I was worried my boyfriend would try and hurt himself because he was acting so unpredictable. My boyfriend is depressed and at times seems suicidal and so I was very worried. We left our car at my uncle's house during the BBQ and I was worried my boyfriend might try and come there and drive somewhere and when I expressed that to my uncle, he said he could do something so the car wouldn't start. So that's what he did. My boyfriend called me a few times, telling me I was effing crazy. I said I was scared and we needed to talk about what happened but he kept saying I was "effing crazy."

The reason I am writing this now is because I came home this morning (the morning after this happened) and we acted like nothing happened, essentially. It's his birthday so I felt bad. We acted like nothing really happened, didn't discuss it, really. But just now we were hanging out and he said "so I got into the car today and all of the things were reset." Immediately I knew what he meant and I didn't know if I should lie or not. but I HATE lying and I always feel terrible. I am a huge advocate of honesty. I decided not to lie because I hate it. I told him why that happened, and that I was scared he would do something stupid like try and drive. I said I was worried about him, which I absolutely was.

He got angry, called me crazy again and left. Now he's in the other room and I'm almost positive he'll be mad at me all night.

I know I'm not at ALL innocent in this incident. I'm just as flawed as he is, his flaws just involve drinking. But I genuinely wanted to protect him by disconnecting the car like that. I was scared for him. He doesn't like to talk about things so I highly doubt we can have a reasonable, productive conversation about it all.

I am very sad and hurt and scared and tired. I would love any advice.

I have not really been to alanon but it turns me of like AA does. I have a very hard time simply accepting that stuff as truth. But I really would love advice

I had no idea this would be this long. I'm sorry, I guess I really needed to vent. Thank you to anyone who gets through this. Really, thank you.

inpieces314

I don't do Al-Anon, they seem very judgmental to me, although personally, I think it is just the people around here, not everywhere.

Personally, next time this happens, don't do anything to the car, and when he gets in it, call the police and report him for DUI. Then, who is he going to blame? Of course, you can't tell him that you were the one who called unless it's years down the road and he is sober (and he will thank you for doing it).

Your relationship sounds like mine did in 2012. I finally had to file a protective order against abuse, although I definitely hit him back, maybe even started a few fights, I don't remember. What I do remember is how it started-issues like you had, and then it escalated to all out physical brawls that would last all night.

Be careful-someone like him is very irrational when drinking, and one day, he might do something to you that he might regret.

Ourtown

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

To be honest, I make things more physical than he ever does. I lose it a lot easier in that way. It doesn't happen very often but I'm definitely more guilty of it than he is. However last night was scary as crap because he IS much bigger than I am, and if he really wanted to, things could go badly for me very quickly. I'm not sure bigger guys really understand how it feels to be a woman who is smaller and being threatened by someone bigger. It's very scary. I take 100% responsibility for making things physical, that is totally on me. Although at the point when he came in the room to get money, I had been leaving him alone for a while.

I would feel absolutely awful calling in a DUI. I would also feel so incredibly guilty that I wouldn't be able to keep that inside Ughhh. I'm so damaged and so is he. It's so difficult.

marie1960

This is very toxic and sad.

please, take some time and educate yourself about alcoholism and addiction.

if this is how life is today, what do you think life will be like in 10-15 years when his disease progresses? Seriously, there is NOTHING you can do to help him, this is one of those situations where its best to get out of his way.

Best I can offer, put your running shoes on, and run in the opposite direction, Run like your life depends on it, that's no joke, if you allow an active alkie into your life, they CAN and WILL take you to a very dark, isolating, hell hole of a prison.

Hope you can start reading some of the stickys at the top of the forum. Some very true, factual info , right at your fingertips.

And never try and reason with a drunk person, waste of your time, and you are exposing yourself to an element of risk and injury.

Save yourself.

Ps. that "he only had a couple beers, he shouldn't be acting that way, his tolerance must be down, " Chances are he had started drinking long before you thought.

Ourtown

Marie, thank for your your reply! I agree that it is toxic...for a few reasons, alcohol is just one of them.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years and I've known him since I was 12. Running feels next to impossible...and I really don't want to I love him so, so much. It's so freaking difficult.

anykey

I think you should put some distance between you and that guy.

You lack grasp of the alcoholic mindset. You could put yourself in harms way by blocking his cash.

I am thinking couples counseling maybe. You are not his mother.

That lazy bum should get a job! Why should you be forced to support him? If he does not shape up with couples counseling- dump him, and get a grown up man who would carry his own weight and treat you like a queen. He is being a mommas boy and you are letting it happen.

marie1960

Love will NEVER Thrive in an addicted household. It simply is not possible.

Time to take all that love you have for him and sprinkle it all over you, and start addressing your own needs. He is not relationship material.

I understand you are young, but you are playing with fire, and you will continue to get burned everytime.

If you continue to accept his unacceptable choices and actions, I promise you, he will continue to deliver more unacceptable behaviors.

He has shown you who he is, and what he has to offer, now you get to decide if that is good enough for you.

anykey

I am maries age- we seem to agree on this topic.

Carlotta

What are you going to do to address your anger issues? You are physically abusive to your boyfriend and this is not acceptable. If the gender were reversed, people would be jumping all over you. I rewrote the following quote switching gender...how does it sound?
His alcoholism and whether or not he chooses to address it is his business. You cannot control it but you can change your own behavior.

seek

Drama. You sound very young. Like young teen young.

LoveMeNow

Very sad and very toxic.

It's your life and you get to live it any way you want. Is this what you want? I fear for both of you.
Our norms can become as distorted as the addicts.

suki44883

It doesn't sound like love to me. It sounds like a bad habit. You've been together so long that you don't realize that normal people do not live this way. You are both ill equipped to be relationship material at this point. Your anger issues and his alcoholism is so toxic that at some point, it could turn into a tragic situation.

You each need some serious help. I hope you both seek that help, regardless of whether or not you stay together. What you have posted is just very, very sad.

Stung

I agree with Carlotta. It is NEVER okay to hit another person. I am teaching this to my young daughters now so that when they are adults, like you are, they won't hit people and be thrown into jail for assault. You do realize that in this situation, he only said words to you and then you assaulted him? YOU broke the law.

My advice: break up. You have work to do on yourself and it sounds like this relationship is indeed getting scary. You are trying to control everything he does, including his drinking. This is not love.

missboots

Just a couple things-

I used to tell my husband that if he drank I would knock him out with a shovel. But by the grace of God I never hit him. Next time you feel like expressing your feelings violently, walk away. Quickly.

You say you love him. Why? Do you think he loves you? Do you think an alcoholic can truly love a girlfriend? I don't know if my husband ever loved me. Very painful to accept but start dealing with facts, no matter how much it hurts. If you stay with him the odds are overwhelming that it will get worse. People with drinking problems almost never say, "My drinking is harmful to myself and the people I love so I will stop!"

I know from experience that living with an alcoholic is a world of misery. Just think about letting him go. It's only a thought. Mull it over a few days and start taking care of yourself and stop trying to control him and punish him. I hope you'll find peace.

NWGRITS

There are a lot of things in this relationship, but love is not one of them. Sweetheart, you two are a ticking time bomb. Get away. Get help for yourself. This dysfunction you're living in isn't good for either of you. And if you believe alcoholics can have a sip or two here and there and not fall off the wagon, go hang out in the forums about drinking in moderation. See how successful an approach that really is.

anykey

I get the impression the poster and her boyfriend are not compatable.

The reply that said not to hit him- wow- yeah- you can not go around hitting other people. The cops know how that goes too. A gal hits the man- gets in his face- backs him into a corner- everyone knows boys do not hit girls- that is the rule- so a girl does everything knowing that boys are not supposed to hit girls-- when the guy finally does snap- it is not very nice.

If it were me- I would redirect my life- time and effort to positive pursuits. Even dating no one for a while.

readerbaby71

It's never okay to hit someone, regardless of whether they're drunk or not. This is an abusive relationship on both sides. Get yourself some help and let your BF worry about getting help for himself. Good luck to you.

redatlanta

I don't even know what to say which is a rarity.

I find your behavior to be worse than your drunken boyfriend's and that is a first. You are an abuser. Physically abusing someone is never, ever acceptable. What you did last night could land you in jail, just one of the several times you physically assaulted this person between the hitting and biting.

Now then, you don't understand anything about alcoholism. Nothing. There is no such thing as "gray" area, there is not "moderation" there is no "can have a couple here and there". Its fine that AA is not a fit, the above is PROVEN amongst many, many recovery programs.

I get it. You "control" the drinking, you "control" the money, you "control" the car, you control the punishment.

You control NOTHING. That's the problem. Your life is so unmanageable you are spinning your wheels trying to control what you cannot and not controlling what you can.

You are lucky, very lucky that you didn't end up in the hospital today or morgue. Drunk people don't think right (and neither do you but that's already been addressed). In your ****** up thinking to take his money and keep him from it you could have ended up dead lady. ANGER + ALCOHOL = DISASTER.

I said I was scared and we needed to talk about what happened but he kept saying I was "effing crazy."


True Dat. With all the kindness I can muster you need help.

wanttobehealthy

You and your boyfriend both could have been arrested for physical abuse last night and the toxicity of your relationship is clear to you I think.

I understand being angry and fed up with his behavior and they say that those of us who live with A's become as sick as them just in a different way.

Your desire to talk and smooth everything over in the midst of a crisis is familiar to me; I used to try that too. And it was always awful and never useful.

Rather than disabling his car you could have just taken the keys no?

I would tell him the truth and that you did it bc you were fearful for his and others safety and be honest.

It isn't something you should do again though.

Ourtown

First of all, as I said, I already know that the hitting is wrong. I am also in therapy for many reasons, my anger being one of them. I grew up being hit when my mother would lose control when she would get upset, and clearly I need to unlearn that reaction. However I am getting help for my issues. Change doesn't happen overnight.

What frustrates me is that I feel like I a literally driven to the point of insanity sometimes. He refuses to have a real conversation about the drinking, or the fact that he hasn't had a job in years and we're relying on my very small income. I feel like I am drowning. I didn't start out in our relationship being this angry or reactive but I feel like at this point, I am at the end of my rope. I feel desperate and SO resentful and angry at him right now.

Obviously it is still my choice to stay and my responsibility to refocus my anger and not act on it. But I feel like he's almost getting a pass on his behavior because I lost it and hit him. While I agree that hitting is never okay, like I said, I am working on myself in therapy. I am trying, anyway. He refuses any kind of therapy or help.

It's also almost laughable to me when I read people jumping all over me because I am "trying to control what he does." Of course I am, he makes terrible choices. I make all of the money so why shouldn't I control the money that is mine?