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Old 04-03-2008, 12:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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45+ beers per day...and counting

I've been an alcoholic for roughly 3 years.

I drink roughly 40 to 60 beers a day. There are days I've gone through my entire "reserve" of two 30 packs and have had to resort to drinking mouthwash or rubbing alcohol to avoid withdrawal.

It might sound crazy, but it's no exaggeration. How I've become this far gone...I don't know. How I haven't accidentally killed myself yet (I've come close though)...I don't know that either.

Extreme anxiety has alway plagued me since I was very young. I've been prescribed anti-depressants, Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin, sleeping meds, etc. Nothing ever helped me though. No therapist or hyptonist has ever been able to help. Every psych doc I ever saw thought it was all in my head or just didn't think it was that bad. I have trouble explaining how I really feel sometimes.

I got to the point where it was "**** them, I'll help myself." So I ended up taking whatever would numb me. Whatever would help me be "normal". Weed, oxys, barbs, whatever. Alcohol was my favorite choice though. It was cheap and readily available. No dealing with seedy characters and no worrying if my guy would feel like hooking me up with my fix or not that particular day. Grab the beer, go to the counter, pay. That's it.

I have been to several doctors through the years. I've been told I was depressed, have panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, have bipolar disorder, etc. The last time I saw a physician I was told he believed I was severely agoraphobic and might have borderline personality disorder.

I believe I am agoraphobic. After all the research I've done, the symptoms fit me to a tee. And let me tell you, it is a living hell. Just going the 1/2 mile to the liquor store to get my fix is a white-knuckle, death defying trip (well, to me anyway).

Sorry for the rambling. But let me continue if you've even read up to this point.

It started with just drinking some shots of bourbon or just a 6 pack a day. Then it progressed to a 12 pack a day, an 18 pack a day, about a 30 pack a day. Now it's at least two 30 packs a day.

I love whiskey but it makes me a bit loopy, so I stick to just beer because it also gives me less of a hangover compared to spirits.

One point about a year back where I was without a car, I would walk 12 miles back and forth each day to the only liquor store in the area where I was living at the time.

Somedays I go through the city looking for change and collecting cans just to get beer.


(Maybe this belongs more in the introduction area of the forum, IDK)


I'm getting to the end of my rope though.

I can barely function throughout the day. Hell, I'm in one of my very brief moments of clarity as I type this.

Hold down a job? Yeah right. I've been fired from nearly 10 jobs in the past year.

I don't eat much but I drink copiously. I have gained nearly 100lbs in the past year. Probably since I drink so much and am usually too drunk to really move.

I blackout often. I have back and liver pain constantly (I've been told I have a very fatty liver). Constant headaches and panic attacks. I wake up every 2-3 hours in withdrawal (sweats, convulsions, nightmares, cramps, hallucinations). I puke bile and cough blood quite often. I have many bruises. I bruise very easily.

Hell, my wife can't sleep because she often finds me having troubled breathing after blacking out.

I'm hurting my wife and family emotionally. I'd be lying if I said I DID NOT consider suicide everyday.


It's sad. I want help. I know I need help. My family is in total denial about how bad things actually are. Were all in denial. And my friends want nothing to do with me.

I have no health insurance though.

These so called places that will offer you "payment plans" or "financing" have rejected me. Without health insurance and having bad credit and nobody to cosign on something for me...I'm pretty screwed.

I want to stop. Tapering isn't an option. The withdrawal is insane.

I've had seizures, convulsions, etc when I haven't had enough to drink. Cold turkey isn't even an option. I'd be better off playing Russian roulette.

I've also been told to go to AA meetings. I don't really agree with the whole 12-step thing. Plus I am an atheist.

I can't live my life anymore. I don't know what to do. My family and I need help badly. Where can I go? What can I do? I' so lost.



If you read through this. Thank you. I might make it. I probably may not on the path I'm going.

I just want people who aren't as far gone as me to know that alcoholism can get that bad.

Just help yourself if and while you can. Especially if you have the means through health insurance.


Sorry for the extremely long post.
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Old 04-03-2008, 01:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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hi Teeth.

Don't know why but I noticed your log on ...
the new name just today.
And here you are.

huh.

That's uh .. that's some opening post you have there.

Teeth, the only thing I can say that might be of any help to you is ...
even as far gone as you think you are -

you're not alone.

We're a sober community, and we try to help each other through support, and .. .well, really - just being there for each other. I've made some very dear friends here in the last eighteen months. You can too.

I was 'far gone' too, hon.
I called AA.
Not only does the program work, but the people are supportive, and more 'hooked in' to the recovery community than most anyone else in whatEVER city you're living in. There's going to be people there who 'know people' and that is what you need. I doubt there's a more GLOBALLY informed organization as easy to find and utilize as AA. Period.

It's there.
It's free.
They don't care if you USE them -
they need you ... to stay sober.
SO really who.. is using whom?

I get the feeling this ain't your first trip to the rodeo.
You already know a good bit of what I'm saying.
YOu don't have to buy the jacket - but it's there.
There's a hand waiting ... being held out to you.

First thing though -
if you're serious about this ....
you need to get in touch with a doctor.
I cannot stress enough the need for medical assistance with and before detox.You need to print this out and take it to them. I mean your post - not mine.

Tell them exactly what you're said here.

There are doctors who WILL work with you.
And there's always the emergency room.

You going to have to want to find them.
You're going to have to want this.

I had to WANT this.
I know.
LOTS of us here .... know.

Whether you like it or not -
you're going to have a hard hard time beating the pure - tee
resource circle that Alcoholics Anonymous ... is.

Most importantly - they're going to know the ins and outs of possibilities.

You need that.
You don't have to be sober to talk to them.
You don't have to be 'abstaining'.
Only an idiot would ask that of you before you talk to a doc.
All you need for AA though - is a DESIRE ... to stop drinking.

The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous ... saved this life.
Maybe talk to your family, then make the call ...
doctor first -
don't quit drinking not at that volume.

Not until you've talked to a doc.

AA can probably help you find clinics that you didn't even know existed.

There's a way.
There's always ... a way.
and there's always hope.

AA is the only way *I* know.
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Last edited by barb dwyer; 04-03-2008 at 01:53 AM.
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Old 04-03-2008, 01:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Please seek help...and a medical detox. If you go to the ER of any hospital and are going through sever withdrawal, they can't turn you away. I've had to go without insurance before--because i very well easily could have died otherwise. they admitted me immediately once when I could barely walk, hands shaking, couldnt sign my own name...a girl at the desk had to write down my info by looking at my drivers license...not a fun situation...but i needed help. My liver enzymes were also through the roof at that time. It wont get better overnight...plus you can't detox on your own..not with having a history of seizures/convulsions....Ive been there too. There are also place you can go for treatment..some dont cost anything...not sure about where you live. i went to a free womens detox center. please seek help and althoughAA isnt the only way to get sober--it would be something at least. Being atheist is ok--you can still go>no one will force a "God" upon you. They only ask that you be willing to believe in something other than yourself to help you get sober>since you werent able to do it on your own. The group itself was my "God" or Higher power for a long time...because I had a hard time with the whole God-thing. I believed that the program worked for them--they were sober >I wasnt. whatever it takes.....don't let the whole "God" idea be the make/break decision for not wanting to go..especially if there is an AA place nearby. They just might be able to help you..or point you somewhere wher you can get some help. (Sorry, for the typos/misspellinmgs....trying to reach you before you go offline)
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Old 04-03-2008, 01:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
They just might be able to help you..or point you somewhere wher you can get some help.
My point exactly. THanks, Angelina!
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Old 04-03-2008, 03:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Your way is not working, and you are dying. Let someone else handle things for a while...for me that was a medical detox and the capable care of the doctors there. I had help finding such a place that I could afford, but I did it the hard way rather than calling the people (AA) who can help you find a place that can help you.

I know more people with decades of sobriety whose first action to seek help was picking up the phonebook and calling AA.
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Old 04-03-2008, 04:27 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Try this link

USA Eastern Territory : Adult Rehabilitation Centers


Salvation Army has a good program you can enter without insurance or, any money.
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Old 04-03-2008, 05:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teethoflions View Post

I've also been told to go to AA meetings. I don't really agree ...

I don't know what to do.
Where can I go?
What can I do?
I' so lost.



If you read through this. Thank you. I might make it.
Or you might not make it.

No insurance... AA is free.
No acceptance of God... AA still accepts you.

I am thinking you will need detox and alcohol withdrawl can kill you. Cold turkey at home is extremly dangerous. Every ER has a list of alcohol related services with their phone numbers. Salvation Army... Yes "that" church group that ring the bells outside stores at Christmas...well believe in God or not...they have answers as well and a list of resources available.
Answers are available and when you want them ...know they are there.
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Old 04-03-2008, 05:44 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Teeth

Welcome! This place may well save your life.

If your writing is any indicator, you are a very bright guy. That's both an advantage and a liability with addiction. Bright people are used to "figuring things out," and using the power of mind to solve problems.

Addiction however, defies logical explanation. In fact, the more we try to understand and "control," the more elusive it becomes. The anxiety produced by this failure only adds fuel to the fire.

For instance, you seem to have diagnosed agoraphobia. The fact is, most of us suffer from some type of social anxiety. We are so filled with shame, guilt, and a lack of control life that we exhibit a buffet of psychiatric symptoms. The final stages of alcoholism typically find us drinking alone and shunning contact with others.

All that is for later, however. By your words, I have little doubt that you are killing yourself. Perhaps at a rapid rate. I was totally powerless, and my life unmanageable, drinking 2-4 beers on weeknights and 6-8 on weekends. After 7 weeks of sobriety, I am able to see the toll it took on my physical as well as emotional health. By your description it seems like you are in a consistent state of near alcohol poisoning.

The good news is that something can be done. You have taken an important and significant step by coming here. If you are willing and want it, you can rid yourself of this demon.

The "bad" news is that you cannot do it alone. I'm sorry, but you can't. Your disease is far too advanced and you need help.

Above all, as others have mentioned, you need medical help. If you read messages here, you will note that this is a pretty standard reply to newcomers here. Withdrawal can be risky business and there is no way to tell who will be at risk. And we can offer no medical advice. None of us, to my knowledge, are doctors.

In your case however, I don't think one needs an MD to conclude that you need a supervised withdrawal. You don't need an MD to know that you will suffocate with a bag over your head.

Your body is a battleground right now. You are killing yourself slowly with alcohol. The irony is that you could very well kill yourself quickly by taking it away.

I would advise that you use any means necessary to get medical help. Would your family help if you were having a heart attack? If you have to take out a loan to get treatment, do it. If you do, you will have ten years to pay it off, if you don't, I doubt that you have ten years.

I'd love to sugarcoat and make you feel good. Give you choices. I don't see it that way. I may be ignorant and in no position to give medical advice, but this is a no brainer. You have advanced disease that will kill you if untreated.

Save your body and then come back and we can work on the rest. Disease cannot be treated if the owner is dead. Some of us are lucky. We just stop drinking, go through hell, and then work on the rest. Please don't try that on your own, Teeth. You need help.

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Old 04-03-2008, 05:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Teeth first things first see a doctor as others have suggested.

You are not unique, you are not the only one who drinks or drank the way you do.

I will not play the "I can top that" game with you, just suffice it to say I drank for 40 years and I am sober today, I don't think I drew a sober breath the last 5 years I drank.

I know for a fact that if I had not quit drinking I would have died from my alcoholism.

You mention all of these other aflictions you have, some of them are a direct result of drinking, any of them that are not a direct result of drinking are made far worse by drinking.

You say AA is not for you because you are an aethiest!!! There are an awful lot of aethiest who have gotten sober and stayed sober through AA.

There are those who claim AA is a religion, if that was true I would never have stayed in AA, there are those that make a lot of claims about AA being this or being that, well guess what? AA is what you make of it.

Look there are other programs out there, once you get through a detox and hopefully a rehab as well check them all out, find one that works for you and work it!!!!

I am not an aethiest, nor am I religous, I have found a Power greater then myself, that is all it takes. My sponsee is agnostic, he just finished the 12th step last week and has been sober for 11 months.

Please do not let some one KILL you by scaring you away from AA by claiming it is religous!!!!

Talk to other Aethiest in AA and find out how AA worked for them, there are some right here on this site that hopefully will post on this thread.

Once again do not let someones opinion about AA kill you, talk to some aethiest in AA with Experience in working the steps as far as it not being religous.
Look even if you are not willing to do AA, call them, they will be more then willing to help you find a detox/treatment center to help you get sober.
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Old 04-03-2008, 07:07 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Your story isn't unique. The volume you consume, it's clear you're a pro. I used to hit the mouthwash and the vanilla extract myself. You're one of many.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You have to do something or you will die. It's that simple.

I'm not sure where you're at, but you could look into a county or municipal detox center.

Your atheism is irrelevant. There are plenty of atheists who are in AA that practice the 12 steps. You don't have to believe in God. Stop making excuses and do something.

Go to AA, ask for help. Even if you know you're going to get drunk later, go anyway. Ask those there for help finding somewhere you can detox under medical supervision for someone in your financial situation. They will know where you can go. They are the experts.

It's okay if you don't agree with the principals or think it won't work for you. Keep going. If nothing else, fake it until you make it.
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Old 04-03-2008, 08:52 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Anxiety, self-diagnosis, self-medication. Sounds just like my story.

I'll tell you what, them 30-60 beers a day aren't helping the anxiety ! Do you also suffer from depression ?

Quote:
Constant headaches and panic attacks. I wake up every 2-3 hours in withdrawal (sweats, convulsions, nightmares, cramps, hallucinations). I puke bile *snip*quite often. I have many bruises. I bruise very easily.
That sounds just like me a little over 17 months ago....

All of these symptoms lessened or went away after I found recovery.

Like many here, I utilize AA.

I suggest you get to a place where you can be medically de-toxed. I'd also try and find in-patient treatment for alcoholism. 30 days at least.
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Old 04-03-2008, 09:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Go to the ER and ask for help. They have seen it all, and they can help you begin your recovery. By posting this here it's clear you are not afraid to ASK for help, and that's exactly what you need to do. ASK. Tell them what you told us and tell them you don't know what to do and would like some help.
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Old 04-03-2008, 09:46 AM   #13 (permalink)
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30 day inpatient. Seriously. You should not detox from that kind of consuption on your own. It's doctor time, now.
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Old 04-03-2008, 10:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Doc or die

Your call.
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Old 04-03-2008, 11:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Well teeth, there you go! You are not unique, but you do sound like one of us. Make a decision.

Let us know what you decide and what action you are willing to take. I drank mouthwash on occasion as well; but damn, 60 beers in a day? No wonder you are here, that sounds like work!
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Old 04-03-2008, 11:09 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR!

I too suggest the Salvation Army programs.
They are as good as it gets for
de tox and or re hab.

There is hope for healing
as long as you pursue ot.

Glad you are here with us
Blessings to you and your family
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Old 04-03-2008, 03:00 PM   #17 (permalink)
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45 beers plus a day, wow. Man, that is alot of effort. Really earning your intoxicated state by consuming that amount and putting all that fluid through your body. I mean just the sole amount of effort to consume that much beer and deal with all those empties. I don't think I could have done it. Towards the end there, I was like f*ck beer and just did vodka straight out the bottle. I had to get my buzz quick! Plus, much less of a mess with the cans and the constantly having to use the facilities. I probably would have urinated all over myself every single nite if I consumed that much beer. Anyways, I commend you on the 45 plus a day average.

Like previously mentioned. Go to the doctor or rehab right away if you are ready to change.
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Old 04-03-2008, 06:01 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Teethoflions -

I was very moved by your post. This is redundant from what the others have said - but please, please go to seek professional medical help. Not having the means to pay for medical services is certainly an obstacle, but as someone else said, it appears that your life could very well be on the line here.

Please get some help brother.
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Old 04-04-2008, 01:29 AM   #19 (permalink)
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You definitely need some help, not saying that in a critical way, sorry. Before detoxing you need a center to go to for it... I've never heard of 2 packs of beer a day, jeez... and I think from my binging "I" have brain damage... god darn...
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Old 04-04-2008, 06:00 AM   #20 (permalink)
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When I see quanities mentioned like this I am reminded of what my sponsor told me, it is not how much we drank, how long, or how often we drank that determines whether or not we are alcoholic or not, it is what happens to us when we drink.

I say this because I drank like teeth, not a lot of us beer drinkers do, but I was among them, this was/is way beyond even what an average alcoholic drinks and sadly some folks think "Oh I can't be an alcoholic, I don't drink as much as him.

When I read the amounts some folks who drank the hard stuff drank in the end I am flabbergasted, but I was a beer drinker like teeth.

If someone determines thay are an alcoholic that is all that matters, the quanity drank is not a determing factor except when it comes to the matter of detox.
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