Teeth
Welcome! This place may well save your life.
If your writing is any indicator, you are a very bright guy. That's both an advantage and a liability with addiction. Bright people are used to "figuring things out," and using the power of mind to solve problems.
Addiction however, defies logical explanation. In fact, the more we try to understand and "control," the more elusive it becomes. The anxiety produced by this failure only adds fuel to the fire.
For instance, you seem to have diagnosed agoraphobia. The fact is, most of us suffer from some type of social anxiety. We are so filled with shame, guilt, and a lack of control life that we exhibit a buffet of psychiatric symptoms. The final stages of alcoholism typically find us drinking alone and shunning contact with others.
All that is for later, however. By your words, I have little doubt that you are killing yourself. Perhaps at a rapid rate. I was totally powerless, and my life unmanageable, drinking 2-4 beers on weeknights and 6-8 on weekends. After 7 weeks of sobriety, I am able to see the toll it took on my physical as well as emotional health. By your description it seems like you are in a consistent state of near alcohol poisoning.
The good news is that something can be done. You have taken an important and significant step by coming here. If you are willing and want it, you can rid yourself of this demon.
The "bad" news is that you cannot do it alone. I'm sorry, but you can't. Your disease is far too advanced and you need help.
Above all, as others have mentioned, you need medical help. If you read messages here, you will note that this is a pretty standard reply to newcomers here. Withdrawal can be risky business and there is no way to tell who will be at risk. And we can offer no medical advice. None of us, to my knowledge, are doctors.
In your case however, I don't think one needs an MD to conclude that you need a supervised withdrawal. You don't need an MD to know that you will suffocate with a bag over your head.
Your body is a battleground right now. You are killing yourself slowly with alcohol. The irony is that you could very well kill yourself quickly by taking it away.
I would advise that you use any means necessary to get medical help. Would your family help if you were having a heart attack? If you have to take out a loan to get treatment, do it. If you do, you will have ten years to pay it off, if you don't, I doubt that you have ten years.
I'd love to sugarcoat and make you feel good. Give you choices. I don't see it that way. I may be ignorant and in no position to give medical advice, but this is a no brainer. You have advanced disease that will kill you if untreated.
Save your body and then come back and we can work on the rest. Disease cannot be treated if the owner is dead. Some of us are lucky. We just stop drinking, go through hell, and then work on the rest. Please don't try that on your own, Teeth. You need help.
warren