mcpreng

So I am approaching my 90 day mark in recovery and I am at a real crossroads on what to do. I used the 12 steps from AA to get sober and feel that I am a lot healthier mentally and physically than I have ever been. I am at a crossroads on what to do with AA. My problem with AA is that meeting after meeting, there seem to be more problems than solution. Even the people that have a lot of time seem to have glaringly obvious issues with not practicing these principles in all of their affairs. When I first came into the rooms I was told to hang around people who have what you want. Well, now that I've been here a little while and worked all the steps, I don't really want what a lot of these people have. The people I have encountered that have years of sobriety seem not to have a life out of AA. Many of them only have program friends and do not seem to have good relations with their families. I caught this young - I just turned 24 and I don't want a life that only revolves around the fact that if I drink or drug I do too much and basically become a horrible person. I want to move on in my life, but am fearful that if I leave the program that I will inevitably go back "out there." I do not want to drink or drug again, but I don't want my decision to stay clean and sober to be a dominant part of my life, as in always having to go to meetings to process events in life and HAVING to go to meetings to stay sober. I mean there has to be another way? I just feel like I have closed the door to that part of my life and I don't want to reopen it, ever. Period. But I also don't want to continue going to these meetings out of fear that if I don't something bad will happen. I have a great connection with god, so it's not to spiritual part that is driving me away. It's just the culture of the meetings. I talk to someone (sponsor or someone in my network) about something that is going on and it's like everyone knows about it but doesn't discuss it. My husband and I are both in recovery and run with people in the same meetings and we have actually experienced people from the rooms with significant sobriety time, who supposedly work good programs circulating what happens in our private life. To the point of it getting mentioned in meetings. Seriously. I feel like I can't use the network or my sponsor at all unless things are going good because I don't know what is going to get told to who. My husband feels the same way. We are at a loss of what to do and if there is another option out there that also has a spiritual component. Maybe just another point of view. But i just feel like there are so many sick people in the meetings, even the people who are supposed to be "well." I am just young and don't want to be one of those people who spend their entire lives in the rooms. But I don't want to go back out either. Is there a way to stay sober longterm that isn't go cultish?
Sorry for the rambling.

Itchy

I used hospital detox, then AA and here after I got sober to stay sober. I also had counseling and a few days of rehab. I used everything available except pilks and quit a three pack a day 46 year smoking habit with the same detox. I was done and sick of getting sick and sicker. I was taking what I could use and leaving the rest. I stopped using AA after three months and just use here for my recovery. I never had any issues with the folks at my wonderful home group but do see where AA has a long term, medium term, and lots of shorter term folks. I have no problem going back and saying hi. There are folks that have been going for decades, and some that keep relapsing. And then some folks like me who are recovered. There more reasons than relapse for folks leaving. Some of us are grateful to the people in AA who supported us as we recovered. It just sounds like you have outgrown your groups or AA. No one has to at fault.

Welcome to the forums! If they suit you may find a spiritual group here in some of our online 12 step and other groups. You'll find what you need if you look for it. Maybe you already found it. It is OK to move on past AA. It was the only way for me once I got all I needed from them. I am doing my service here as a recovered person. I am not here to stay sober. I will never have another drink or smoke, I am just not interested in dulling my life in any way. I am a non drinker non smoker, it is just that simple. If God said to me I was healed and coul drink normally again and smoke with no cancer, I would say thanks, but I have much more of your gifts to discover and don't have time for things I have already done enough of.

This is a great place for service work too. Look around and again, welcome.

tomsteve

the BB says we become productive members of society, so get out and join society!

BadCompany

Really? 90 days and you have nothing left to work on?

Young

It's all about what u put in. Did u get a home group? Are u active in your homegroup? This is a progrAm of ACTION. You can put a chair in a chicken coop and the chair doesn't become a chicken. Same thing in Aa if you don't do the action you can't expect to see yourself as a Aa member. Read pg 49 I. The big book about people of faith and how we used some of the people of faith defect as wholesale condemnation that's what your doing with some of the Aa members you see. There are people In my aera with 20+ sobriety and I don't wAnt what they have. I look at how miserable they are and use that as motivation because there is good and bad examples in Aa. We also got a disease that talks to us I got sober at 21.5 I'm 29 now still sober because of the work I do in Aa. I've had some close calls my brain says you were only 21 how could u have been a alky. But I got to be true to myself. Honesty opened minded willing to change my life. I've also heard it said if u haven't been to a bad meeting you not making enough meetings. Lol. I just celebrated 8 years I go to 2 meetings a week and I'm active in my homegroup I set up make coffee and I'm there for the newcomer because sobriety is the most important thing in my life. With out sobriety I will lose everything in my life that means anything to me. If you don't like the meetings you go to start a new one all it takes is a resentment and a coffee pot(lol) just Rember regardless no one wants to see you fail but if you do the doors of Aa are always open as long as you have s desire to stop drinking. i know it works for me. im 8 years sober and reworking the steps. all we have is today! What kind of person am I going to be today?

bbthumper

I understand your frustrations. I have posted here before about my feelings about some meetings containing more problems than solutions. Unfortunately it seems sometimes that the folks in AA staying dry on fellowship alone outnumber the ones who are in the trenches doing the work.
I have to remind myself though that if I am going to a meeting to get rather than give then I am there for the wrong reason. I have found something remarkable. If I carry THE message of AA, the 12 steps, the message our book carries, regardless of what others say, think or do, I attract people who are looking for that answer. I have gotten more sponsees in the past year than I did my first 3 years of sobriety. What have I done differently? I have made an effort to leave my opinion at the door. I have prayed for God to remove my judgmental nature. I do my best to make sure that if I share in a meeting, it is in line with what the Big Book says.
A good friend of mine says that if you're not having fun in AA, you are not doing AA. Get out there, find someone who needs the solution and carry it to them. You start helping others and realize that you play just a small part in making the world a better place, AA will be far from dull.

soberlicious

You can successfully develop your spirituality, work on anything you want to improve in your life, set goals and meet them, and continue to grow and learn without any specific program or group of people. People do it all the time. While I respect others' paths and experiences, I have personally found the culture of fear present in some groups (not just recovery groups) is of no benefit to me.

Fandy

There are many ways people achieve and maintain sobriety. You might wish to explore all your options. I enjoy my life sober, i do not practice any formal method other than to be grateful for my llife every day. I connect here almost daily, i realize the better path, i appreciate my true friends and family. That keeps me wanting to stay sober.
welcome to SR!

onlythetruth

mcpreng:

It's a big world out there. So many ways to grow spiritually and emotionally, so many new things to learn and experience. There is nothing wrong, in my view, with deciding that your spiritual and emotional growth will be better enhanced by doing things other than AA.

kwe118

I speak for me, I find wellness activities, positive people. not everyone can do aa, and does not mean w/o AA you are spiritually broken, powerless, or you'll die. There are many other ways. look and ask around there is MFS, SMART........AA is not my thing...let no one dictate YOUR journey

RobbyRobot

Sure, there are many ways to ensure you don't return to drinking and drugging, and to also ensure you keep happily moving on with your progressive life.

AA recovery requires "doing" the program. Meetings are important enough, depending on the individual. We all have our own experiences with quitting and staying quit. There are choices besides AA, if you want to be open to those choices. I would not suggest you "quit" AA without first being informed of what else is open for you. You already have AA, so take a look around the forums here, share with others...

If you and your husband desire absolute privacy in your life about your recovery, AVRT is an ideal choice, if you can be open to its workings. Its not a group thing or even a fellowship thing, so it may interest you.

Welcome to SR!

lilyrosemary

i did a 21 day inpatient treatment program and attended outpatient group sessions for six weeks, then attended AA kind of regularly for a year, year and a half. i felt it wasn't right for me and i struggled with the same fears you mentioned. i haven't gone for almost a year and i have had no problem staying sober. i really like my sponsor and i talk to her when i see her and i do look to her for advice once in a while, but alls well with me, and if i feel i need to go back for whatever reason, i will. but thats just me and how it is for me. Best wishes to you and your husband!

sugarbear1

Work those steps daily and increase your conscious contact with a power greater than you. Your judgements of the meetings and people show that you are just beginning your sober journey. At 90 days you hardly have your addiction cured. Keep coming back! Start sponsoring another person. Start working the steps into your daily life.

Come back and freely give what was once freely given to you.

I wish you well. Keep moving forward!

With love & hugs,

Itchy

I would do AA for three months and here and all the other stuff again if I knew what I know now. No regrets about having AA as part of my early recovery.

I was sober and detoxed before I joined AA or here.

We are all by post contents sober here now right? Just stay that way! I already know the path to relapse is the self delusion that after a period of time we can drink normally. NOT!

Or that when something bad happens we can escape from it in a can or bottle. NOT!

Or that I am missing all the excitement of other drunks in darkened rooms with music too loud and the conversation going in circles at the top of our lungs. NOT!

I would not drink again if God said I could normally. I had thousands of drunk nights and days, I do not need a refresher in it.

So I use this simple recovery method which does not throw stones at any other recovery method, or require any work at all.

1. Don't drink.
2. Repeat as necessary.

I am here only to pay back for what I got. I have no cravings and am totally recovered. I don't drink now because I can't drink. Now it is because I can "not drink" without a thought about it. No desire to go back. I am not deprived at all. I survived and am going to make the most of the time I have left if that be minutes day or decades!

I have wasted enough time incapacitated already, decades.

Fandy

well the OP made one post and has a lot of feedback.

What i read was that they didnt WANT to immerse themselves in the AA version of sobriety....it's not a requirement for sobriety, you do have lots of other options that won't require so much of your time.

congrats on your 90 days so far and it's a much better way to enjoy your life whatever you do. you don't have to make your alcohol recovery your second job or career, you can just be a non-drinker and do whatever you do without the booze.

DoubleBarrel

There are some groups with folks, who have 1-5 even a decade of sobriety and it seems like they are really struggling, reworking steps, etc.
I decided that I didn't want to be in constant recovery mode. It hadn't worked for me before. In fact, some of those meetings made me feel hopeless, and like drinking, so i can relate.
Just make sure that this isnt your old addictive voice pulling you away from meetings as a setup to relapse. 90 days is still new to recovery.

Sometimes you need to reintegrate with the world. I think that should be the ultimate goal.
Check back in once in a while, and see whats going on there. Might be a good reminder when you see new faces.

Boleo

Why not start your own meeting. Seriously, it ain't a big deal. Contact a church, get a coffee pot, invite a few friends. You can even have a small meeting in your home for the first few months.

One of the biggest meetings in my area started out with 8 people in the co-founders living room.

paul99

We don't go to AA to hide in AA. But of course we are meant to enjoy life, to contribute, to be in the present and to just live well. There is a happy medium. So while I don't live my everyday life wrapped entirely in recovery, my life has to be integrated and shot through with recovery. The success of my AA life directly affects the other aspects of my life.

So having said that, to be fully involved in AA, yeah, meetings. We don't graduate and then don't have to be there any more. We go to help the newcomer, to spread hope...and this keeps us fresh, sober and connected.

Lots of great responses to your post - read them with an open mind.

Be one of those who add to the meeting, rather than getting upset at what you received. Perception is also important.

Congrats on your 90 days.

Gottalife

Find a Big Book Study meeting. The gossips and the drama queens hate them. Or start your own. I just did that, for the first time, on the Primary Purpose Group format inspired by Joe and Charlie. It's wonderful, don't know why I didn't do it years ago.

sepvac

By way of introduction, I am a recover alcoholic who also attended hundreds of AA meetings as a means to "get sober". And like you, I found little help - I did not drink, but I was not feeling the "transformation" I heard others talk about. The more meetings I went to, the less I got out of the "Program", or so it felt to me. And I also experienced the vast differences between meetings and those who were in attendance; I began to see hypocrisy and self-aggrandizing behaviors that drove me from organized religion as a younger man.

Then, through a series of very serendipitous events, I met a man who engender trust in me, like few in my life to that point had. We talked for hours, in and out of meetings, about his experiences and his journey through the 12-Step fellowship. When some time had passed, he told me, "Every ill feeling you have ever had, anger, resentments, greed, selfishness, self-centeredness, was a direct result of my failed attempts to control other people, places, and things". He also told me I was "God-playing, and doing a lousy job of it".

Had I not developed a genuine fondness with this man prior to that moment, I would have certainly lumped him in with hypocrites I saw everywhere in the world, not just AA. And I would not have listened to his ideas about recovery in the years that followed.

But for some reason, I choose to accept his observation and simply asked, "Tell me more about that". In the months that followed, he and I went through the Big Book together, as if it were a text book, and I began to finally (after several years in AA) began to understand what the "Program" was really about.

It was only then, after I had also experienced the transformational Power of the Program, that I really understood alcohol was never my problem - but over-reliance on self was.

How I got there is a story for another day, but my point in this share is that I was not a very informed consumer of the AA Product until I read the Big Book with someone who had experienced the spiritual transformation experienced as a result of taking (not "working") the Steps for himself.

Consider a box of cake mix. There is a picture on the front of what the result of taking the steps on the back of the box will be. However, if your don;t assemble the specific ingredients listed, put them together in the right order, and the right time, your result will not look like the picture on the box, and you will be become a discouraged cake maker - and gladly tell anyone who asks that the cake mix just doesn't work.

So it is with AA - the poster of the 12-Steps on the wall in our meeting places are the picture on front of the cake mix box. They are a summary of the Steps contained on the back of the box, the Big Book. You need to read the book to find the description of the ingredients for a happy, joyous, & free life, and the order and timing of when to take those Steps.

Any deviation from these directions will not result successfully completing the Steps and becoming a recovered alcoholic, whose recovery is contingent on maintenance of their spiritual fitness, one day at a time!

So, in my experience, I used to say, "God, I need a meeting" because the temporary effects of the fellowship alone NEVER lasted. Nowadays, I say, "God, I'm needed at this meeting" when we all bow our heads in a moments of silence, followed quickly by, "Please let me forget everything I think I know about 12-Steps recovery so I can have a new experience today".

Want to talk more about this? Glad to help. Perhaps we can dialogue here, so others can share their ideas as well. Besides, that's a great opportunity for both of us to take the 12th Step!!

Cheers,

Bill