Preacher

I agree with what you are saying. I plan on doing the steps to first remove the wreckage from the past but at the same time I am doing my steps, I am looking into new subcultures, to see what interests me and meet new people in them. Hope this helps.

nancylee

AA didn't work for me at all. I went for a year, and the constant talk of drinking, and missing drinking, and how to live without drinking made me want to drink. And people there for 20 years, 5 days a week, I am sorry - that is not how I wanted to live my life. So I read a lot here and on another site for women. And I DID things that are good for my brain: art lessons, pottery lessons, spiritual stuff, music. All good, healthy things for your brain, with people who generally don't drink. And I have a great therapist I see twice a month, to help me with old hurts and negative behavior. All good things.

There is more than one way to get sober, regardless of what people in the rooms claim. In fact, I have seen studies that most people get sober on their own. You don't even have to do that- you have this place! So do what feels right for you. I didn't want to trade one addiction for an addiction to meetings, either, and it has been a wonderful 2 1/2 years for me! Just keep working on yourself and your sobriety, no matter what method you choose.

Peace,
Nancy

breath

I have used a variety of tools as well; detox, rehab, SR, AA, Spirituality......prayer, meditation, reading...

And for ME one thing I know for sure after 2 years of sobriety is.. I don't know much, have a ton to learn, to grow, that relapse is chasing me no matter how big the pink cloud.

So, after a mere 90 days, to be so judgmental and have those feelings; that screams out EGO to me. I'd be even more vigilant if I found myself afloat in the boat you are in.

Just my HUMBLE opinion.

Take care and good luck in your journey. 90 days? Really?

kinix

I would never have made it to sobriety without NA. I turned my back on the fellowship after 3 years and don't make meetings anymore. Don't know why. Maybe its that part in the NA nasic text that says "you have to take your recovery home". Also had the chance to make amends to my parents. Nursing them through critical illness after which seriousness for the steps went out the window. So here I am.

littlefish

Well, the OP seems to have left the building and hasn't posted since last year. I wonder what she finally decided?

I took the liberty of reading a little bit between the lines. At the end of her post it came out that she felt angry that people were talking about her and husband, also in the program. And that is a very justifiable reason for being annoyed: there is no place in any recovery program for idle talk and gossip but unfortunately, it happens.

She had 90 days and implied that she was "done" with recovery. 90 days is a rather short period of time and if she had given it a chance, or tried different meetings, maybe her initial, negative impressions would have grown into a better understanding.

Yeah, it might be true of some of the people I've met in AA don't seem to have a life outside of AA, but those folks are few and far between in my experience. And, frankly, it is other problems, unrelated to alcohol, that has them turning AA into their whole life. The majority of people I know in AA are very busy with life and live it to the fullest.

And, because she was in the program for such a short time, i don't think she understood the role of old timers. They are extremely valuable members because they carry the program. It can't be carried on by the literature alone. I was a newcomer who had the same thoughts: "What are those people doing in the program after all those years?" I didn't realize I was the reason they were there.

nfijules

At about a year of sobriety in AA, I thought I learned enough and was spritually fit enough for me to branch out on my own. I became resentful of the whiners in AA, quit going, and slowly within about 6 months, I deteriated spritually and mentally. I became so depressed and about lost it. I knew I had to throw myself back into it and what I did, was get a new home group, I now attend CMA and AA both. In fact, I have a big book study in my home on Wednesdays! I also got a new sponsor, and hang out with people more of my age and more people I can relate to as friends. I changed eveything and have been enjoying this newfound love for CMA and AA again. I prayed and prayed and this was my answer. I can't now imagine living like that again. I have to stay a part of - carry the message right? Goodluck!

SoberKnitter

Respectfully, I think this is what makes people say they don't want what you have. I certainly don't want to have the mindset that relapse is chasing me after years of sobriety. That sounds so discouraging. It's definitely not how I want to live.

I think 90 meetings is plenty to make an informed decision. Most people make decisions about groups they join in far fewer than 90 encounters. To keep doing something for months that you know isn't helpful is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

bemyself

SoberKnitter made a good point, one which dogs me still: Most people make decisions about groups they join in far fewer than 90 encounters'.

I say this as an AA member (and one who is very much on the outside of the group-iness). I'm not a group joiner, to start with. But I do struggle with the whole AA thing, where I may well need to simply go to occasional meetings - solely because I have no one else to hang out with (social isolation, chronic disabilities, etc etc) - BUT, when I'm there, I know I have to do this kind of ducking n swerving to avoid the individuals who just get in my face.

I've often tried to imagine: ok, as SK remarked, if I'd joined say a walking group, book group, gardening group, etc etc....how would I deal with it if the bulk of them were truly off putting? Doctrinal, bullying, etc about 'being part of the group OR YOU'LL DIE'? Kinda creepy as personalities? Whatever it was, that made it feel to me: I don't know if this feels right for me.

Hummm. It's great that AA 'works' for some - but then, there's the kicker: 'it only works, if you work it'. I've tried to be open minded - but how can I be open-minded about an organisation where MOST of the members slavishly follow the words, the exact words and text (which must not be changed), of some good guys who managed to get sober back in the gap between the Great Depression and WWII in the USA? Who were professionals and salesmen? Men, mostly.

I read a lot of exigesis of the early Gospels (as in, the actual Gospels) via the more progressive scholars and theologians. Even they have clearly pointed to the ways a 'religion', which started as a particular set of useful even inspiring ideas at that historical time and place, can be utterly distorted later.

It's in this vein that I see AA. I believe it really does need to change in a million ways.

Meantime, I will simply continue chatting to a very few members, simply because they're other human beings who I vaguely get along with. But I will NOT be bullied into adopting the kind of circuitous thinking which is at the heart of the 'Program'

littlefish

I am going to coast along that dangerous edge of SR here and try to be/try not to be an AA defender.
I don't recall the OP said that she had gone to 90 meetings. She said she was sober for 90 days: she didn't say how many meetings she had gone to. Who knows how many she went to?

As far as AA members who get in your face, yeah, there will always be those. Because that is going to happen with all groups of people who gather together for whatever purpose. It's just group dynamics, and AA has the same dynamics as any other group. The stars, the controllers, the shy, the deceivers, the mascots, the golden hearts, the lonely hearts: they are all going to be there because every AA meeting is a little slice of humanity.
It's probably true bemyself that AA could change it's language. I am definitely one of those who thinks the language is frozen in time and soon coming up on 100 years old. But that brings up a rather fascinating topic. If the language of the Big Book were to be updated, would it become distorted? I think most people acknowledge that the language is outdated. But the message is timeless.

I am an AA but wouldn't dream of saying "be in the group or die". I think the best policy is to remember that we all carry the program forward, and make it work the best we can. It is a product of all of our efforts, combined. Because it is very much a group effort, no single individual can claim to be the true bearer of the message. Any individual claim needs to be tempered by a group consensus - which is probably why we have the mechanism of "group conscience" in our meeting protocol.

elliotnewbuild

I'd be very wary at 90 days. That's around the time my treatment programme finished and so many of the people I was in treatment with either relapsed immediately or shortly afterwards. I was still having using dreams regularly at that point.

I have problems with the meetings too. I find the language used really cringey and the pressure to work the steps from some very oppressive and stressful. I don't talk to a lot of the friends I initially made in the fellowship anymore because of this. Also, meetings where you're sneered at for not sharing really affect my confidence and make it all the harder to step in to the room at another AA meeting on another day. I wish the people in the meetings who act like that would realise how they come across and what they're doing to people's recovery. Prior to getting sober I couldn't talk to a stranger without having a panic attack, me just being sat there is a big achievement! I'll talk when I'm ready!

On the other hand, I found the support in general to be nothing short of amazing. Also the rooms made me not feel alone for the first time in my life. Prior to getting sober I thought I had a serious mental illness, I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Now I have heard different from so many different walks of life express the same fears, anxieties and problems as me and that's what AA has really given me - a sense that I do have a place in the world.

ClearLight

Actually, that mindset is something that helps to keep me sober. I know I dropped that mindset after 5 years sober and wound up with 2 years of relapse.

My addiction is something I consider a condition. Like being color blind. You don't leave being color blind behind. You might learn how to deal with it but you do not leave it behind.

I know that the first drink will lead eventually to a lot of crap for me. Maybe not right away - but it WILL happen. And that is nothing I can leave behind. It is always there. Forever.

bigsombrero

I also dont' admire a lot of "what others have" in AA - or at least some AA groups. Aside from AA, some folks really don't have a lot. Some of them look like they are forcing themselves to be happy, tricking themselves every day into thinking this is the only way they will be sober.

I am sober just 9 months. I know I cannot drink. I go to AA meetings sometimes, maybe every other week. I have this site. I have also gone to addiction counceling. For me, right now the best medicine is to GET OUT THERE - I spend a lot of time out of the house. Sometimes just sitting in the sun on a park bench gets my mind right.

The key I think is to make sure you do SOMETHING each day to remind yourself of your sobriety quest. Take your AA medallions with you in your pocket one morning. On another day maybe text or call a fellow member in recovery. On a weekend go explore a new part of town. Meet a new person and offer some kind words. Smile at a stranger. Find a documentary or movie (like FLIGHT) that focuses on recovery and watch it. Do all of this with recovery and serenity in mind.

I don't think we have to sit on metal fold-out chairs in a dusty church basement every evening to achieve a lifetime of sobriety. But we SHOULD try and do our best to do SOMETHING each day to keep it fresh. Don't bury it and don't forget!

Good luck and congrats on doing some real nice critical/rational thinking about your future!!!

SoberKnitter

If you're comfortable with it and it works for you, that's great. No way do I want to live that way. If I thought that relapse was chasing me, it would be all too easy to say, "Screw it. Let's get this over with." I prefer freedom.

Respectfully, being color blind is nothing like addiction. Addiction requires an outside substance or, in behavioral addictions, activity. Substances and activities can, in point of fact, be left behind.

I know that eating arsenic will lead to death. That fact will be true forever, but it doesn't mean that arsenic poison is something I need to fear for the rest of my days. Arsenic, like alcohol, can't hurt me if I don't ingest it.

Coldfusion

I see that I have not posted in this thread, so just wanted to throw in my two cents...

Narcotics Anonymous is another program with many meetings. I prefer NA over AA.

bigsombrero

Ditto. No pity parties or "birthday cakes" in N/A. Those meetings seem to be more no-nonsense, at least in my experience.

Nattythreads

Why should it change when it works for so many?

ClearLight

Soberknitter

Yeah - we cope differently.

I don't see being trapped in a drunk lifestyle as freedom. I see it as prison. Freedom for me is being sober.

Actually they are the same thing. Each individual's interaction with the "outside" is unique. The "condition" is your pre-exisitng propensity to interact with a chemical, for instance, in a certain way. That's why some people have different reactions to pharmaceutical treatments.

In fact, being color blind is a particlular pre-existing propensity to react to an "outside" substance - light. Color blind individuals are simply reacting to light in a different way. You can't leave that behind. Just as you can't leave behind your physical pre-existing propensity to react to alcohol differently than others.

It's not about fear. Fear doesn't work as defense against drinking. Fear fades over time. It's about recognizing the reality of your situation - you can't handle alcohol.

Coldfusion

Actually, there was a birthday cake at one of my first NA meetings, and it was coincidentally the same custom cake from the same bakery as our wedding cake!

We shared cake after talking about how drugs almost killed us!

And our meetings are not in a dusty church basement, our NA meets at the Senior Citizen's Common room and we sit on couches. Our local AA has a meeting place on the waterfront.

SoberKnitter

I also see active alcoholism as a prison. But the idea that relapse is somehow chasing me is a prison of a different sort.

It's impossible to avoid light. One can avoid ingesting mood-altering drugs and alcohol and leave that lifestyle behind.

Nope, I can't handle alcohol. I can't handle ingesting a million other poisons either. I recognize this, but it doesn't require me to view relapse as a bogeyman lurking around every corner.

ClearLight

I see it differently. It's no more of a prison than being left handed. Or being a certain height. Or not being able to flap my wings and fly. Or being male or female. It is what you are.

It is not a behavior. It is not a behavior any more than having four fingers and a thumb is a behavior. You are someone that can not handle alcohol. That is an alcoholic. You may or may not drink alcohol but you will always be someone that can not handle it and that is an alcoholic.

There is no fear involved. There is a recognition of reality. That's not fear - that's strength and freedom.

I think you define addiction as a behavior. When that behavior stops you are no longer an addict.

I see it differently. It's a physical condition. Your brain is wired differently from others. Nothing will change that short of a radical physical operation - that no one knows how to do.

Is that something to be afraid of? No. Is that something lurking waiting to spring out at you? No.

There is no fear. There is behavior based on the reality of what you are - someone that can not drink and be healthy - an alcoholic. I call that freedom.