NYCDoglvr

Today I have 7,305 days (20 years). I know in my gut that if I start drinking I won't be able to stop. And, while I know I have another drink in my, I don't think I have another recovery in me. Frankly I've never even understood the point of having one or two drinks.

Good luck!

Johnston

It's not so much the number of drinks as it is the behavior that goes with it. I have always been obsessive-compulsive in many areas of my life and the ritualistic aspects of drinking (thinking about it, preparing for it, imbibing in it, feeling guilty about it, repeating it all again) suit my OCD personality.

I'm heading for a world of hurt, I know it, but I can't muster the will to stop now. Keep me in your prayers. thanks

Dee74

Muster it Johnston.

It doesn't sound like this is gonna get better.

D

coffeenut

Thinking about the next one......yeah, you know where this is going.

I thank you for this thread. Sobriety is the best thing I have given myself. I don't want to ever forget that......especially when I hit 20 years.

Glad you are here!

dharmakat

This thread has me reliving the last thirty years (30!) of my drinking. I went through rehab in my teens, mainly for pot, attended AA briefly, then discovered that it was booze that made all the internal chaos go away. But that period of time in the program remained in the back of my mind, niggling at me. The irony of it was, I desperately didn't want to be an alcoholic because I desperately didn't want to have to quit drinking.

Because of this, I am only now learning how to deal with emotions, how to be an adult, how to interact with people honestly, how to live life on life's terms, how to trust, how to be vulnerable, how to love. None of this was available to me till now.

This may leave you thinking that I was a black-out drunk, out-of-control, a binge drinker. No, not at all. The older I got, as years became decades, the more intensely I controlled my drinking. After I hit my 30s, I rarely became drunk, but believe me, I thought about drinking All The Time. In my late 40s, after being treated for cancer, I managed to cut back a bit more. But this only led to still greater obsession. I planned for and looked forward to each drink. I lived for the next time. And despite the fact that my life had become hollow on the inside, I still couldn't imagine living without booze.

I am SO grateful that I finally was able to admit the truth to myself, and find my way back to AA. There is life -- beautiful crazy sunny happy life -- beyond my obsession for drinking and it is so good to have found it.

Thank you.

BryanS

Then don't use the will to stop, use the will to go to AA. That's what I had to do, and it worked.

jade123

I abstained for 12 years. I didn't work the AA program but I did go to meetings in the very beginning. I substituted food and spending for alcohol. I was bored and lonely and fat and decided to lose the weight for a person of interest that I had just met, who also drank, and I decided to test the waters for that reason. At first it was ok. It's been about five years and it didn't take long before I started to look forward to picking up a bottle of wine on the way home from work and drinking it alone while I surfed the web at night. Then a bottle of wine and a few beers. Then wine and a six pack, it stopped there because I couldn't keep my eyes open after that much. Now I go out maybe once or twice a week but when I do I get blasted. Last year my job was on the line. I was useless, late, hungover, and a ****** employee after 15 years of being a top performer. I still can't stay sober. When I do drink I go all out, I have no choice because I'll feel terrible if I stop myself after a few. I feel anxious, irritable, uncomfortable. So I'm back to square one. But this time I can't seem to pick myself up and stay that way. Good luck, I sincerely mean that, I know this is just my story and everyone really is different. I believe people who abuse(d) alcohol aren't necessarily alcoholics. In fact that word kind of annoys me. IMO having a problem with alcohol is the problem, not whether or not we fit the definition of an "alcoholic" because so many people think it means so many different things anyway.

matt4x4

This is quite disperaging. We drink, we are drunks, get used to it.

jdooner

.

Dee74

This is an almost 3 year old thread.

D

sask

Same here for this dude. It was too much work and too many wonderful life changes to play half in and half out. I don't even pretend that I can, or want to go there again.

FreeOwl

This is a good topic, though perhaps could be seen as controversial....

I admit to having thought and wondered about this a fair bit in sobriety. Even as recently as a couple of days ago; could it be that the super-stressful circumstances of my life had more to do with it than 'alcoholism'?

Could it be that it was really more about staying well-balanced and finding healthy ways to deal with life?

Could it be I just needed to address a lot of THOSE things and then I could have alcohol 'healthily' in my life?

I suppose the truth is, it possibly COULD be.... but is it worth the risk? The last time I felt it was all under control and went back out, it did wing up sliding into a scene where alcohol was totally in control again.

I could argue that it was because of ongoing life stress circumstances.... but you know what? When does life - over the long haul - ever go on without stressy circumstances? If I let alcohol back into my life, it will become that much easier to default to it when circumstances change. And I know from experience that alcohol makes it that much harder to even notice it happening.

As the Big Book says, "If any one among us can do the right about face and drink like a gentleman, our hat is off to him". despite the old-timey gender bias in that statement - I have to agree with it. Hey, if it works for you or anyone else.... that is fine and good if it works for YOU.

For me - I just don't see it worth the risk. I'm 41 now. Even if I could 'drink like a gentleman' - I have to ask; WHY? To what end? Among my goals and priorities is to live in fitness and a long, happy life.... I want to be able to be active as I age and ski and surf and run and bike and backpack and camp and adventure with my kids and grandchildren. When I ask "how does alcohol - even in small amounts - support that?", the only answer is; It Doesn't. Alcohol is poison. It is TOXIC to the body which is why it is called an intoxicant. You can argue the 'health benefits' all you want but that's a red herring. Those benefits can be had by drinking pomegranate juice and eating lots of raw foods..... WITHOUT the toxic effects.

When I ask my NON-alcoholic self what the beneficial argument for consuming alcohol in any amount is to my life..... there really is none.

I wish you well and I really do hope that you have "matured out of it", as you say.

beatle

Since it has been almost three years since the original post. I'm curious as to whether Johnston "Matured Out" and was able to continue in normal moderation? Like all of us, this thought crosses our mind; especially after years of sobriety. I have over two years now, and find myself asking this a lot lately. However, I know the statistics are dreadful that I will ever be able to resume normally; "Mature" or not.

freshstart57

For me, it seems clear that at almost three years of sobriety, any thought of drinking is not about the desire for moderation, but the desire to get buzzed. Once there is mild intoxication, I know that any compunctions I have in drinking to blackout would disappear.
That would really seem to be a return to the misery of addiction again.

I never ask myself this question, about the myth of returning to moderate drinking. On the other hand, my AV asks about it once in a while.

deeker

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Page 30, lines 1 - 6

With Permission of AA World Services,inc

matt4x4

Interesting read. What comes to mind about the jails, institutions and death is YET. They havent happened YET. Keep in mind this is a progressive disease. And obviously as you know its chronic and fatal. And finally the issue is our thinking, its inside us, not outside at our boss, family, or job skills. It can very well still be waiting for you, as your gambling could very well prove. All I know, is I played the same gambling games and every time, in the end, I ended up in very bad shape. It always starts off slow and progresses. I have years and years with countless relapses to prove that. I drank for the effect, I can lie to myself and say I drank for the taste. I know deep down in my soul of souls that if I drink alcohol, I go all out. Or in gambling terms, I go all-in.

2muchpain

I read an article the other day about when alcoholics don't drink for a while, then go back to drinking, and end up drinking as much or more than they did before they stopped. I don't remember the details, but it goes something like this. When a person drinks for a long time, there are permanent changes that occur in the brain. There are certain "channels" that are produced in the brain that connect to the pleasure part of the brain. The more we drink, the more this channel is strengthened. In order to achieve the same amount of pleasure when you first started to drink, you have to drink more, because the brain has gotten used to a certain amount of alcohol. Anyway, even when you stop drinking, these channels remain, so, when you start drinking again, the brain remembers the large amount of alcohol you were drinking when you stopped, and continues to seek the same amount or more to achieve the same feeling. That's why alcoholics get back so quick to where they left off. Hope that makes sense.

Cascabel

That is pretty much my experience. I quit drinking in 1979 and was a teetotaler until 2011 when I started again. Within two months my drinking was nearly back to 1979 levels. That's why I am a regular visitor to this site now and am presently about five months a teetotaler again.

I'm in my late 70's now. I don't know how many years I have left in life; but, however many I may have I don't want to spend them in an alcoholic daze.

dSober

Lol bellakeller. I've heard that before but it represents such a good, sane attitude I just had to compliment you on it. The risk, for some (all?) of us, is scary.

Arbor

How old were you when you quit? If you weren't addicted back then why did you quit?

I think maturity, growing older may have something to do with it.