Has he relapsed?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 13
Has he relapsed?
Hi. I have little experience with drug addiction so I have come here for advice about the man I am in love with and have been with for the last year. I have just left him as the whole thing has been causing me chronic anxiety as there was little communication on the issue. The history is he is 43, self confessed recovered cocaine addict, went through the full NA 90 days programme and was tee-total. That was years ago. Since that time he went back to drugs and when we got together his drug use was very heavy. Not just cocaine but all and every drug. As I had little experience I just thought he was a mad party animal (until he told me about the cocaine addiction and read up more about cocaine ane recovery) I guess what struck me the most was the lack of any sleep for days on end and then sleeping for days. We parted ways early on as I thought our lifestyles were incompatible but then he did a complete uturn. I called him in a moment of weakness and it turned out he was off everything even pot and alcohol (daily pot smoker) we got back together but it wasnt long before drugs were back. He has gone from saying he can do no drugs, to he can handle pot and a little alcohol, then said as long as he doesnt go near coke drugs are ok and the most recent one is that if he does a line of cocaine at home thats ok, as long as he doesnt go out. Only recently we were out at night and he impulsively said Do you want to get a bag of coke? Even though he knows I dont do it and he is supposed to stay away. I had to break up with him as there is always this huge sense of lies and being evasive. He says im bringing issues of trust from my last relationship but my gut is screaming at me that all is not right. I feel like he is probably using alot more than I even realise. Although that being said he had made incredible improvements in terms of sleeping. Although even with no drugs he rarely sleeps when we are together. Which makes me wonder is cocaine involved even when we are together and I wouldnt know. Whats worse is his friends or party acquantices all celebrate his party, mad-man image. He does too and seems validated and plays up to the party animal persona. I know its a big ask but does it sound to you like he is secretly using? Can a once self confessed coke addict use drugs casually again? Thanks for listening
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Peppered1 
Can a once self confessed coke addict use drugs casually again? Thanks for listening
No, I don't think someone with a track record of serious drug use can moderate or control his use for any length of time.
And even if he could, would occasional drug use be okay for you? Daily use is a no-no, but sometimes is okay?
That's an uninformed expectation. I'm glad you found us and hopefully we can educate you about addiction. And that's really the issue here...if his addiction is a deal breaker or not. If not, buckle up because the ride is going to get rough.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Welcome to Sober Recovery, there is an unlimited amount of support and information here!
It sounds like he is still using, and I wouldn't even call it secretly using if he is flat out asking if you want to go get a bag cocaine. If he was in true recovery that wouldn't be a question he asked, hell if he was in true recovery then even if you spur of the moment brought it up someone in true recovery would say no.
Once someone has become an addict there is no turning back. No matter what the substance is and no matter what kind of crazy rationalization a person makes once he or she has become an addict then every substance is off the table. For example I am in recovery for heroin addiction and because I am in recovery I do not use heroin, cocaine, meth, weed, alcohol, etc. NEVER. No matter whether I am out, at home, with others, etc. NEVER.
I agree with DogOnCarol that you need to decide what is a boundary for you and what is not. For example, no drugs are allowed within my home, I will not socialize or even speak to someone who is actively using drugs, and that I won't continue to give several chances when someone is repeatedly not honest with me.
Once you decide what you find acceptable in a relationship then you will have your answer whether you want to stay or not.
It sounds like he is still using, and I wouldn't even call it secretly using if he is flat out asking if you want to go get a bag cocaine. If he was in true recovery that wouldn't be a question he asked, hell if he was in true recovery then even if you spur of the moment brought it up someone in true recovery would say no.
Once someone has become an addict there is no turning back. No matter what the substance is and no matter what kind of crazy rationalization a person makes once he or she has become an addict then every substance is off the table. For example I am in recovery for heroin addiction and because I am in recovery I do not use heroin, cocaine, meth, weed, alcohol, etc. NEVER. No matter whether I am out, at home, with others, etc. NEVER.
I agree with DogOnCarol that you need to decide what is a boundary for you and what is not. For example, no drugs are allowed within my home, I will not socialize or even speak to someone who is actively using drugs, and that I won't continue to give several chances when someone is repeatedly not honest with me.
Once you decide what you find acceptable in a relationship then you will have your answer whether you want to stay or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Chicago
Posts: 34
Hello Peppered,
Glad you found us.
I read your post. Let me say this. "I personally" used alcohol, cocaine and heroin. I am an addict. I consumed alcohol most of my teen and adult life. All my friends would celebrate my party-man image. (Sound familiar?)
I used cocaine occasionally. Never really got addicted to it, because I could never get anything good. Would always end up spending a lot of money on garbage. So I stopped using it.
I started using heroin. Occasionally "HA HA!" there is NO such thing. I lied to EVERYONE!!! I did whatever I had to. I stole money from my kids. I stole money from my wife. I owned my own business...it simply became a source of income to pay off my dealers. Now that business is bankrupt.
It does not sound like this man is "secretly using" It sounds like he is lying to you so much that you no longer can tell the difference. Love has a way of blinding you from the truth.
In all, I only used heroin for 18 months. I have been clean for 92 days now. (Sound familiar?) I have been trying to repair all the damage that I have done to my family. I still really don't know how. But I was laying awake last night thinking about all of this. I have done a lot of things in my 47 years on this earth. I have done some foolish things...I have done some truly amazing things. But now, something I only did for 18 months out of 47 years is going to define my entire existence? Is it right, is it fair that I now have this stigma? That I am expected to go to NA meetings for the rest of my life? Alcohol is not heroin...why can't I have a drink once in a while? Just cause I have used some hard drugs in the past...I know I can control it now. I didn't become an addict in a day. It took 18 months for me to realize and accept that I was out of control. It only makes sense to me that if I can stay clean for 18 months that should even out and erase my past!!!
I have been clean for 92 days and it is still that easy to lie to myself. The only difference is now I know it is a lie. I can never drink alcohol again. I can never have even the smallest line of cocaine or dip my little finger in a stray bag I find in the alley just to check if it is heroin. I am an addict, and for the rest of my life I will go to NA meetings, because I never want to be the person I was 93 days ago.
One thing I also know for sure, you only have the power to control what you do. No matter how much you love this man...no matter how much he claims to love you. You can't make him change. He has to want to do it. I am sorry, from what you wrote, it does not sound like he wants to change.
You would not have found this site if you did not think he really had problems, and is keeping things from you.
Trust me, he is.
Take care of yourself. Good luck and God bless!
Glad you found us.
I read your post. Let me say this. "I personally" used alcohol, cocaine and heroin. I am an addict. I consumed alcohol most of my teen and adult life. All my friends would celebrate my party-man image. (Sound familiar?)
I used cocaine occasionally. Never really got addicted to it, because I could never get anything good. Would always end up spending a lot of money on garbage. So I stopped using it.
I started using heroin. Occasionally "HA HA!" there is NO such thing. I lied to EVERYONE!!! I did whatever I had to. I stole money from my kids. I stole money from my wife. I owned my own business...it simply became a source of income to pay off my dealers. Now that business is bankrupt.
It does not sound like this man is "secretly using" It sounds like he is lying to you so much that you no longer can tell the difference. Love has a way of blinding you from the truth.
In all, I only used heroin for 18 months. I have been clean for 92 days now. (Sound familiar?) I have been trying to repair all the damage that I have done to my family. I still really don't know how. But I was laying awake last night thinking about all of this. I have done a lot of things in my 47 years on this earth. I have done some foolish things...I have done some truly amazing things. But now, something I only did for 18 months out of 47 years is going to define my entire existence? Is it right, is it fair that I now have this stigma? That I am expected to go to NA meetings for the rest of my life? Alcohol is not heroin...why can't I have a drink once in a while? Just cause I have used some hard drugs in the past...I know I can control it now. I didn't become an addict in a day. It took 18 months for me to realize and accept that I was out of control. It only makes sense to me that if I can stay clean for 18 months that should even out and erase my past!!!
I have been clean for 92 days and it is still that easy to lie to myself. The only difference is now I know it is a lie. I can never drink alcohol again. I can never have even the smallest line of cocaine or dip my little finger in a stray bag I find in the alley just to check if it is heroin. I am an addict, and for the rest of my life I will go to NA meetings, because I never want to be the person I was 93 days ago.
One thing I also know for sure, you only have the power to control what you do. No matter how much you love this man...no matter how much he claims to love you. You can't make him change. He has to want to do it. I am sorry, from what you wrote, it does not sound like he wants to change.
You would not have found this site if you did not think he really had problems, and is keeping things from you.
Trust me, he is.
Take care of yourself. Good luck and God bless!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 13
Thank you very very much for your replies. I have left. More so than anything else over the sense of lying or lying by ommision and half truths. Like sunday eve i went to meet him for a date. He had rang me Saturday upset and said he had taken 2 Ectasy fri night. When we met sunday he hadnt slept since friday. I simply.dont believe 2 E caused him to go the whole weekend with no sleep. Not that it matters what caused it. But I felt like he felt if he gave me something that resembled honestly it might keep me off the scent. I do feel like he wants his cake and eat it. And i have too much at the moment to support him. Its just sad as he has told me many times he wants away from it. Thanks a million for your replies.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 13
I think why its hard for me to get a grip on is because we are Irish and are seriously heavy drinkers, as a people in general. Binge drinking at weekends is the norm. Our alcohol culture is so bad, myself included, we are known for the craic. So if drugs thrown in, especially cocaine, as it just makes you more hyper and excitable, it can be easy to miss , well, if your naieve like me and have no experience. I actually thought at one point he might have adult adhd, I think I would have hoped anything other than drug addiction as I knew that would be a deal breaker.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2
Early Signs That May Lead To Your Loved One's Relapse
There are some definite indicators that can offer evidence that your loved one may be on his or her way towards a relapse.
Not As Involved
You may begin to notice that your loved one or fellow friend in recovery has begun to step away from the program or just stopped working on themselves altogether. It will typically begin with them going to less and less meetings. Over time they will begin to lose connection with their support group, completely isolating themselves from their loved ones.
“Just once won’t hurt”
Another key sign prior to relapse may be them mentioning how they are just tired of the recovery lifestyle overall and they want to be normal. With that they may begin to reminisce on the past “good times” they had while they were using, and depending on what is currently going on their life, how using once allowed them to escape from their problems.
Pulling The Trigger
A trigger has the possibility of occurring during one of the above things, or just when something else gives them the excuse or a reason in their mind to use. This is when the relapse begins to occur and your loved one has already made the conscious decision to use again. However, this does not mean that they are incapable of rising above this just as they had once before. No matter what happens through the course of their relapse whether it is that one time or multiple - it is important to always offer your support.
Not As Involved
You may begin to notice that your loved one or fellow friend in recovery has begun to step away from the program or just stopped working on themselves altogether. It will typically begin with them going to less and less meetings. Over time they will begin to lose connection with their support group, completely isolating themselves from their loved ones.
“Just once won’t hurt”
Another key sign prior to relapse may be them mentioning how they are just tired of the recovery lifestyle overall and they want to be normal. With that they may begin to reminisce on the past “good times” they had while they were using, and depending on what is currently going on their life, how using once allowed them to escape from their problems.
Pulling The Trigger
A trigger has the possibility of occurring during one of the above things, or just when something else gives them the excuse or a reason in their mind to use. This is when the relapse begins to occur and your loved one has already made the conscious decision to use again. However, this does not mean that they are incapable of rising above this just as they had once before. No matter what happens through the course of their relapse whether it is that one time or multiple - it is important to always offer your support.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
"He says im bringing issues of trust from my last relationship but my gut is screaming at me that all is not right."
Excellent gut you have there...
Welcome...if you read the friends and family forum you will hear stories like this one over and over. Drugs and booze are like a bungee jump between sober and hell and each time you jump you head back down and you never know how far you'll come back up...if you ever do.
You do know what's happening and yes he is lying to you. Trying to lay it on your "trust issues" is just a rather despicable way to throw up a smokescreen. "Pay no attention to the man snorting behind the curtain..." (Do they show Wizard of Oz in Ireland?)
Move on. You will look back and wonder why you ever questioned yourself.
Sending you a hug...
Excellent gut you have there...
Welcome...if you read the friends and family forum you will hear stories like this one over and over. Drugs and booze are like a bungee jump between sober and hell and each time you jump you head back down and you never know how far you'll come back up...if you ever do.
You do know what's happening and yes he is lying to you. Trying to lay it on your "trust issues" is just a rather despicable way to throw up a smokescreen. "Pay no attention to the man snorting behind the curtain..." (Do they show Wizard of Oz in Ireland?)
Move on. You will look back and wonder why you ever questioned yourself.
Sending you a hug...
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
Coming at it from an NA perspective...
There is no "90 day" NA program, and NA is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs.
So, the moment he started using any drugs he relapsed.
Is he doing cocaine? I have no idea. Does it really matter? His behavior is already concerning to you. Using addicts are like that.
There is no "90 day" NA program, and NA is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs.
So, the moment he started using any drugs he relapsed.
Is he doing cocaine? I have no idea. Does it really matter? His behavior is already concerning to you. Using addicts are like that.
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