Dawn10

Hi Jane!
I would agree that we will always suffer from the disease of addiction, but in recovery we are "in remission" so to speak.
I guess I have a question to answer your question--" What brings this to your mind right now at this point in time?"
Is there something going on that is sending you those signals--even so small--that you might want to use? Don't worry if there is--we all get them. That is why we are still addicts.
This is what works for me--I will never use anything that I can become addicted to. I do not attend as many meetings as I used to , but I touch base on and off with my therapist. I visit SR a couple of times daily and another site.
You are still very early in recovery. It is not a sign of weakness to continue the work you began in rehab. It is strength --remember that step 12--"sharing our experience, strength and hope" with others in recovery?
AS for the Xanax--is there anything else your doctor can perscibe that can help you? Xanaz is a biggie in the abused drugs and even though you aren't abusing it--you probably are still dependant on it. It is good that your doctor is watching you closely. Just think about it.
You are getting better. Hooray! 5 months is awesome.
I will leave you with a final few words my sponsor told me.
She said" The minute I no longer think I am an addict is the time to start worrying about me. I am only a pill away from being right back to where I was."
That is a paraphrase, of course, but I never forgot it.
Love ya! Happy 2005

Jane63

Hi Dawn! Happy New Year hun!!!

Thank you for your reply...always honest and so insightful!!
I'm not really sure why I wanted to ask for opinions on such a thing {really!}, except that maybe it has been bugging me for quite sometime now. That really devistated me in rehab when told I would ALWAYS be an addict! {I like the word "remission" better!} I think about that feeling I had every now and then and how badly it terrified me! I have alot of "flashbacks" from those 4-days in rehab...some good, some bad, and some utterly terrifying to a small-town girl like me! Maybe I have "surpressed" some and they are just now coming back to me?? I dunno...maybe it is because I haven't attended any meetings and the like that I feel more inclined to say that I WAS an addict, but not anymore...but that all it would take is one time to return me right back to being an addict. Am I "bending" it too much there?? {LOL! Duh!!}

I have had cravings for my DOC since rehab! Not a whole lot, but they are just little thoughts that sneek into my head, and thank God I always find myself realizing that all it would take is just one time. {The thought of how at one time, I was taking 25-30 vicodens a day just makes me SICK!! Blah!!} Never ever ever want to go back to that time when I was being controlled by a daggone pill of all things!!

The Xanax...humm, this was a big concern of mine! I have been taking it now for at least 14-years for a pretty severe anxiety/stress/phobia problem...never abused it not even once and only had to increase dosage once in 14-years...basically, it has allowed me to live a better life and do things that I couldn't do before. There is great stigma attached to this drug and I read the horror stories people write about trying to go off it. I really haven't tried any thing else...my doctor put me on something before he gave me that and it had no effect whatsoever. We just decided several years ago concerning the Xanax, "why fix something if it's not broken".

My doctor is wonderful tho and willing to let me sample some different things if I would want to go that route...but again I come to the "why fix if not broken" ideal...I dunno...I guess it is just scary to me because I'm sure I am "dependant" on it after so many years of having it in my system {not to mention the fact that I am really a mess without it} and after what all I went through to get off the painpills...well, it's just scary! I am thankful my doctor keeps a watchful eye on me tho, and especially after the addiction problem...thankful, even tho I get abit agravated at times because I know in my heart of hearts that I would never abuse it!

Ugg! Sorry for the rant here...I guess the change of the old year has got me thinking and reflecting. I know I am far from "perfect" but I did do something very wonderful for myself and my family...I am still very proud of that!! My old demon...the anxiety has been with me since my teenage years. Maybe one day I will gather the courage to go to battle with it as well?
*End of rant {LOL}*
Jane

Dawn10

The fact that you are thinking about the Xanax just makes me wonder if it is that little voice in your head stirring things up. I don't know that is jsut a thought. In my experience as a nurse, I know tha Xanax was never meant to be a long term drug, just for short term use. We used to send people home on it for only 7-10 days and no refills. Of course, I am not a doctor, but ...
Think about outpatient therapy. If you find a really good therapist, one who is a certified addicitons counselor, you can gain a whole new insight into you. I did weekly for about a year, then once a month or so. I still touch base with my therapist a couple times of year. It really helps.
Got to run to church.

Jane63

Hi Dawn,
I have alot going on in my life right now...alot of stress and just haven't been feeling so great lately. GrrRR!! I am coping very well, but I think sometimes the initial "honeymoon" from being clean has worn off abit and now I am looking for something else to begin "working on"...something to make me even better? {work in progress?? }

I understand the concerns with the Xanax, but I just don't think now or anytime real soon would be a good time to try to go off it. I have thrown around the thought of going into therapy or possibly trying "Effexor" or one of the other drugs of that type. I think I could even stay on the Xanax while trying it for awhile to see if it might make a difference. I have to make an apt with my doctor soon and will be discussing these ideas/thoughts with him then.

I am slowly running out of "bad habits" {LOL} and hubby and I have decided to quit smoking this new year!! My doctor in rehab told me to wait at least 6-months or more before trying as it might be too hard on my body...well, we are quickly approaching 6-months and I am getting "antsy" about it!! I have tried twice and it was a total DISASTER!! But anyways...I will let you know when our quit date is decided and probably be coming in to the "Smokers Forum" to rant and rave like a babbling idiot!!

How did your Christmas holiday go with your family? I hope you survived with brain intact! Mine was very nice for the most part, but very stressful and sad dealing with my dad the day we visited them. I had my good cry and then pulled myself together...We are having a family meeting soon to decide what to do for him. It is very difficult as I'm sure you know.

Well, must get to bed...had a spurt of energy tonight! {LOL} Thank you again for being so caring and kind!! ******{HUGS}}}}
Jane

gratefulgal

Hi Dawn,
Your dilema about the Xanax is a tough one. Most addiction specialists will tell you that you should not be taking it, but I can also see where you're coming from. I feel very fortunate that as of now, I don't have to take any meds that can be addictive; however, before I tclean, I was being prescribed Klonapin and Paxil CR. When I went into rehab, I learned that I can not have any mood or mind altering substances. The reason for that is because my body has a physical allergy to them and if I put one into me (alcohol, Klonapin, Ultram, Vicodin, etc.), even if it was not my doc, it will kick off that allergy. I have stopped taking both the Paxil and the Klonapin, but I've also been told to be careful because I do recognize that some people do need psych. meds. In my case, the extreme anxiety and obsessive tendencies I was experiencing were stemming from my addiction (long before I started using), but that is just my situation. My brother, who is a recovering alcoholic, takes Prozac, so of course it all depends on the individual. Does your doctor know about the disease of addiction? It sounds like you have a really good relationship with him/her. Best wishes with figuring this one out and don't stress too much over it.

Jane63

Thanks grateful! {Opps!! It is me, "Jane63" and not "Dawn"!! LOL!}

I have felt much better today! Some depression runs along with the anxiety, etc., and when I get depressed I do beat myself up alittle.

That is wonderful that you were able to get off all anxiety medications in rehab and are coping! Sometimes I wish I had gone ahead and gotten off it during rehab, but I am not sure where I would be at now as my problems extend wayy back to my teenage years in which I spent many years without any help.

With my recent "adventure" {that's putting it nicely, LOL!}, I feel you cannot just come out of that without gaining a whole new insight into yourself...hence, I know "me" alittle better now! LOL! I won't be stressing about this too much...Lord only knows, I've already got enough of that in my life right now. But I will be staying on top of things, keeping it "in check" and staying on the path.

Oh! And I've got to stop being such a NITEOWL!! LOL!
****{HUGS}}}
Jane

WNY Addict

Hi Dawn. I was just glancing over this before heading out for a meeting, but I just wanted to throw my two cents in as well..... I'm also a RN.

Xanax was originally meant to be a mild tranqulizer for short term use, but for some people it's a long term drug. You're going by textbook recomendations for the drug, and that information isn't exactly up to date. There's evidently a huge portion of people that are on longterm xanax dosages..... thus the XR form. Klonopin isn't effective in a lot of P.A. disorders due to it's half-life, and Xanax is more appropriate. Xanax is also less sedating than other benzos like valium, but it has a quick onset similar to Valium.

If it's not Jane63's DOC and she's not abusing it, she's probably in need of it. Someone taking a set dose of xanax for that long isn't getting high from it, they're keeping a disorder in check.

Being on a drug doesn't make one an addict. If Jane is abusing the alprazolam, which only she would know, then it would be an issue. We're human, and humans have diseases. Those diseases need to be treated like an other, they just need to be treated properly.

Xanax withdrawl can kill... like other benzo withdrawl.

sanbru

WNY addict, I have a question for you. How do you know when a person is abusing the drug xanax? My spouse was put on xanax by his pcp. He was then taking the shots for hep c. He went to his pcp and told him at first that he was depressed. Then he ask the doctor for xanax. The doctor responded that xanax was not for depression but for anxiety, my spouse responded oh yea I have that too. He has went from .25 to 1.0 three times a day. He did not respond to the medication and has been off the shots for about 7 months. He also has chronic pancreatitis but has not had a episode in about one year. He is also on Methadone this is because of abusing percocets. I do count his xanax sometimes when he is acting a certain way.

Jane63

Thanks for the info WNY!
I had heard of the new Xanax "XR form" but thought I might research it abit more myself before mentioning it to my doctor. They gave me Klonopin in rehab and although it seemed to keep anxiety at bay, I do remember feeling like it wore off faster.

Hi Sanbru,
Have you tried having a heart to heart with your spouse and just flat out asking him if he is abusing the Xanax? I would defantely keep count of the pills until you are sure he is taking them as prescribed! It is hard to look for such symptoms of abuse because there really are no "visable" symptoms...maybe sleeping alot or slurred speech...but someone who is suffering from anxiety has alot of behaviors that are considered "odd" to others, so it's hard to tell.
Maybe someone else will come along with more info for you, so please stick around and good luck to you!

Dawn,
Sending you BIG ****{HUGS}}} on your first day back to work!
Take care!!! {Gosh, I luv the dancing bunny!! LOL!}
Jane {easily amused! }

WNY Addict

Hi sanbru. It's really hard to say how you would notice signs of abuse, especially since he's on methadone. Signs of benzo abuse are usually sedation, excessive sleeping and things of that nature. From my experience, It's not like opiates where you get a reverse euphoric reaction. It's sedative, and the more you take the more it sedates.

Counting pills is a way to check for abuse, but there's nothing from stopping him from buying xanax on the street.

Best Wishes

Yeah, the XR is a nice way to get off the quick release. For smokers, smoking can decrease the serum benzo level by up to 75%! An sustained release form decreases that drastic drop in blood levels. It's just something about smoking and benzos. Smoking makes the body excrete it much faster.

You're put on a dose for dose amount. If you're taking 1mg 3X's a day, you'll just need a 3mg tab once in the morning. Most people I know that have started XR are very happy with it. It gets you out of the peak-trough effect you go through with quick releases. You don't have a blood level that's going up-and-down. Afterall, that's what potentiates it's abuse.

Keep in mind though, it's similar to what oxycontin was. People saw that as a sustained release med that would decrease opiate addiction, but people quickly found out a way to make it into a drug that was more lethal than quick release oxycodone (aka: percocet)

Jane63

Thanks WNY,
I am thinking about quitting smoking anyways ...soon, I hope, if I can gather up the courage to try again! I will keep the XR in mind...for right now though I just don't feel like experimenting. My TMJ has flarred up recently {from stress} and I won't even tell my doctor about that...hopefully it will calm down soon.

Jane

ashley80

Hi Jane and Dawn...and others too..

Just saying hello, and it's great to see you both still here. Jane...you sound very good, I'm glad you are still doing so well.

I've not been doing so well....but I am still trying....and I have missed you all.
Ash

Dawn10

Hi Ashley,
I was just thinking about you the other day. What can we do to support you?
Love and prayers,
Dawn :lumpy

Jane63

Hi all,
I am doing pretty well despite the fact that my poor little town just suffered through another major flood {second one since remnants of Ivan hit us!} and got in my parents condo again {only 3' this time...was 5' in Sept}...We are coping but wondering what the heck we did to mother nature to deserve all this horrid luck!! I swear, I think I could write a novel about all the stuff that has gone on in my life over the last year!!

Welcome back Ashley! I sure have missed you!
One of the reasons I am still doing so well is from all the kindness and support you, Dawn and several others here have shown me! It sure meant alot so if there is anything you want to chat/vent/whine/gripe/etc about...I am here for ya'!! Feel free to post here on my little "home away from home/venting thread" or PM me anytime hun!!
Remember...it is nothing that we cannot get through TOGETHER!
****{HUGS}}}
Jane

Dawn10

Hi Jane,
I was thinking of you when I heard of the flooding in Ohio. I knew you were concerned about it. It is sort of how we here in Florida felt after the 4 hurricanes!
Hope you are keeping dry and I am thinking of you and your Dad.
Keep posting,
Dawn

Jane63

Thanks hun!
Yeah, seems we made several newspapers and even CNN and the Weather Channel! I imagine you all did feel the same way...it's like "Oh crap! Here we go again!"!!

Actually wasn't as bad this time as we had more warning and everything of any value was ruined last time so we didn't have to take time to sort through it all, cry over it and toss it in trashpile...even the mud wasn't as deep this time when waters receded today and clean-up began! Forcast is calling for rain Tuesday-Thursday so we are praying it doesn't come back up again!!!!

Mom and dad are coping pretty good...well, at least mom is. We will have to take time to recouperate from this awhile before seeking his medical attention now, but I, for one...will not let much time pass!

******{DAWN}}}}
PS....Send me some sunshine please!!!
Jane

Jane63

Just checking in!
My parents are back home now and waiting for everything to dry out enough to begin rebuilding. I woke up to a steady downpour this morning so I am sure the whole town is holding their breath as I will be too! Not good for someone who has anxiety problems to begin with! LOL! :tongue3:

I managed to do "something" to my right ankle, not sure...could have been when I slipped in the mud while cleaning. It is not broke or anything, just a dull ache running up to my knee...it almost feels better if I stay ON it so that is what I am planning to do.

Hubby and I were planning a "getaway wknd" this month but looks like we might have to wait awhile longer now with all that is going on. I was really looking forward to getting away too...so pffooy on that!!!
Hope everyone has a good day!
Jane

Dawn10

Glad to hear things are better up there. I will try to send some sunshine your way.
Stay off the ankle and use ice and and ace wrap. Have some chocolate--you know chocolate cures all!

Jane63

Hi Dawn!
Sure could use that sunshine about now! This is CRAZY! Our river is rising again and predicted to crest 5' over flood stage by Friday morning! Parents have already evacuated once again to my sisters as my route was already cut off by high water. They say the river always comes back to claim what it missed the first time...but THREE TIMES? GEESHHH!!

The ankle is just fine today...still not sure what I did but glad it doens't hurt anymore! I ate chocolate anyway!! LOL!

I noticed in another thread here a person posted about a bad experience at a rehab center! I had a few myself, although overall it was a good place. One day another patient informed me that someone new had come in and "somehow" {honestly...I don't want to know "how"! } had smuggled in some crack and was asking others to smoke it with him!....We told on the guy and minutes later the cops were hauling him out of the place! It really freaked me out...I have never even seen crack before except in pictures!

I think it's best to call ahead and find out as much info on a place that you can before going there...that still doesn't mean there won't be a few "surprises". For me personally though, I am thankful I had the opportunity to take what I needed and leave the rest!

Rain, Rain...Go away!!!

Jane

Dawn10

Hi Jane,
So glad the chocolate helped!!
I saw the river rising mentioned on the news, also in my old hometown of Fort Wayne Indiana. They have 3 rivers there to be coencerned about.
It's too bad your parents had to evacuate, but look at it this way. It got your Dad out of the house! How's that for the Pollyanna out look on life.
Have to get going to work.
Take care and keep dry.
Dawn