so sick of this (SSOT?)
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: cape town
Posts: 59
so sick of this (SSOT?)
Hi, was posting mainly on the AA side of the forum then I went underground.
Just feel I have to post something, ANYTHING to acknowledge to the Universe or God etc that I am totally out of control and one part of me loves it and I just had the thought that maybe I am a kind of debauched type.
Want to say I been struggling with codeine cough med addiction since I was 22 or so, now I'm 34, I was clean for a year - 2011 to 2012, but now I'm in that same old hole again and probly that's why I keep using it. But I have another issue as well that's totally hindering my recovery. Will say later7. Want to say "Oh God pls can't I just be normal? Why can't I get out of bed like they do so, so it seems. (Don't bash me for these generalizations, sorry they're emotionally charged. Have to go, want to be content, STABLE. Pleeaze just want stability. I cannot carry on falling to pieces always, I'm running out of glue.
Luv to all those suffering xxxxxxxx and hugs and tears and "why's"
Just feel I have to post something, ANYTHING to acknowledge to the Universe or God etc that I am totally out of control and one part of me loves it and I just had the thought that maybe I am a kind of debauched type.
Want to say I been struggling with codeine cough med addiction since I was 22 or so, now I'm 34, I was clean for a year - 2011 to 2012, but now I'm in that same old hole again and probly that's why I keep using it. But I have another issue as well that's totally hindering my recovery. Will say later7. Want to say "Oh God pls can't I just be normal? Why can't I get out of bed like they do so, so it seems. (Don't bash me for these generalizations, sorry they're emotionally charged. Have to go, want to be content, STABLE. Pleeaze just want stability. I cannot carry on falling to pieces always, I'm running out of glue.
Luv to all those suffering xxxxxxxx and hugs and tears and "why's"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Denver
Posts: 235
what your experiencing is classic lack of endorphins from seceding opiates. I experienced, and many others have as well. That feeling like you barely have the motivation to breathe. The good news is that there is a solution and you will hate me for saying it, and you will likely not even believe me fully... But time away from opiates and preferably all drugs is the ONLY solution. Your opiate receptors will repair and your motivation and energy will return in leaps and bounds. Its been my experience that if you can make at least to 30 days without opiates, you will begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. No quick solution man, but at least there IS A SOLUTION. Just trust me, try to make it 30 days and see how you feel. If you see 0 progress, use the codeine again. But you will see progress so please don't lol.
Slowly, but surely, making it!
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northwest Florida
Posts: 493
Please don't EVER feel like you should be ashamed for what's going through your mind! We have all been there (and still go there!) You are fed up and only one thing will change that. You've got to take the leap and quit using what you use. It will not be fun, and you won't like it for a few weeks, but it does get better. I'm on day 16 of being sober and it's the best feeling in the world. Two weeks ago I would have never said that. I would have demanded my pills and told ya off. I'm here to tell you that it really does make a huge difference the more time that goes by, and the more you rid your body of the toxins controlling you. Vitamins help and so does TIME. As addicts, we don't like the time part too much; we're too used to the instant "fix" from our drug of choice. You will know when you've had enough, and since you've been clean before, you know what that will entail. You can do it, and we will be here for you every step of the way. Welcome to the dark side 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: cape town
Posts: 59
this has helped me, it has resonated with me
Originally Posted by Stilltrecking 
what your experiencing is classic lack of endorphins from seceding opiates. I experienced, and many others have as well. That feeling like you barely have the motivation to breathe. The good news is that there is a solution and you will hate me for saying it, and you will likely not even believe me fully... But time away from opiates and preferably all drugs is the ONLY solution. Your opiate receptors will repair and your motivation and energy will return in leaps and bounds. Its been my experience that if you can make at least to 30 days without opiates, you will begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. No quick solution man, but at least there IS A SOLUTION. Just trust me, try to make it 30 days and see how you feel. If you see 0 progress, use the codeine again. But you will see progress so please don't lol.
Yes !!! That's why I berate myself and frustrate myself same book different chapter sequels never failing to be worse than the first.
Oh I have GOT to pull myself together.
I was ok on my meds but now I've upset that with the codeine. I was OK on my meds then I sabotaged it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: cape town
Posts: 59
Of course I realize I cannot be in contact with him (xboyf of 5yrs, doesn't use drugs, doesn't beat me up) if I want to get clean!! I've cut him off twice in the past. Blocked him and all. But then I contacted him again. Coz I can't go walking around everywhere to get it, the CS, and also he even got a script for alzam. It gives him a hold over me. Now this LAST time, I totally went for it and told him to leave me alone, I told him he had been abusing my weakness, feeding my addiction. Etc. Not that he was to blame.
That was fri night. Sat I spent whole day in bed...weeping (how dramatic lol) and sunday was hell too. If that was sun? All blurry. But I was clean. I had zero motivation. Then by the next day I had contacted him. Again. I was so lonely and too depressed to do my work so I just slide deeper into my gloom ditch.
I just don't know how to stop this cycle, I can walk away from him, tell him to leave me alone, that I'm trying to get clean. but in a moment of weakness I stumble!!!!! Why?! I can't STOP. He doesn't care one bit that I'm addicted and going thru hell and my life is falling apart. He just wants to make sure that he's the one and only man in my life. He will do anything for sex. Last night he rode his bicycle, in the rain, at 8pm. To the late night chemist. Its like 20km away.
That was fri night. Sat I spent whole day in bed...weeping (how dramatic lol) and sunday was hell too. If that was sun? All blurry. But I was clean. I had zero motivation. Then by the next day I had contacted him. Again. I was so lonely and too depressed to do my work so I just slide deeper into my gloom ditch.
I just don't know how to stop this cycle, I can walk away from him, tell him to leave me alone, that I'm trying to get clean. but in a moment of weakness I stumble!!!!! Why?! I can't STOP. He doesn't care one bit that I'm addicted and going thru hell and my life is falling apart. He just wants to make sure that he's the one and only man in my life. He will do anything for sex. Last night he rode his bicycle, in the rain, at 8pm. To the late night chemist. Its like 20km away.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Denver
Posts: 235
I am not going to lie its going to be more than just two days feeling like hell. Try two weeks. BUT!... I will say that this cycle you speak of (the one i have been in many a time) is completely breakable. Log on here everyday. Post... read... see other people making progress and struggling with the same things. Set miniature goals. Say oke i am going to at least try... no DO 15 days clean... See how you feel after 15 days and say hey i think i am on the right track i will give 15 more days ago. Before long (for me about the third week) I began to realize that i won't be depressed forever without opiates. And that life is beginning to fill me once more. I wish you so much luck and i hope you give us daily updates. We are all here with you and i really suggest reading my, bfd, 1dayatatime, and Olivio's posts. If you read our day 3 posts vs our day 16 posts you will see that progress comes DAILY, and more importantly that progress just comes in general. good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: cape town
Posts: 59
But I have this extremely complex problem. I wrote about it on the AA side too.
Since I moved out of my xboyfs place he has not given up wanting to be friends still, oh it is so much to explain it all. Basically I'm not used to being alone. Coz I'm scared to be alone with myself coz I don't like myself. Or I'm scared ill get depressed. I w as with him for 5yrs. Ok blah blah etc, I was never in love with him, but he gave me a place to stay when I was drugging, crystal, and doing sordid stuff in the name of it's Glory, I had nowhere else to stay so I had to put up a pretence of being his girlf, I stopped doing crystal and other depravities but still hung onto the cough med. I felt it was my "duty" to sleep with him coz I had nowhere to go and cldnt pay rent. I felt guilty, cldnt find a job, depressed. So we had a bartering thing, as in sex for codeine. It was only 100ml everytime coz we were poor.
But I left him last year, but then we sort of stayed friends. But I was desperately lonely, separation anxiety etc. I had to give u that background stuff to put it in context: so I started the slide down Relapse road. But then he came to visit and one day I was soooo depressed I messaged him and asked cld he buy me csyrup. So he did but I didn't know he wld expect sex for it. I mean the day I told him I wanted to break up I was wild with happiness that I wld no longer have to prostitute myself to him. So when he intimated that I was shocked. he wanted me to pay back with sex not money.
We bartered for six days straight. That was 600ml of cs.
So that is his kind of M.O.
But in dec I got a job and I didn't even think about taking it. Then he came back into my life coz I wanted alzam coz I have social anxiety and it was very hard for me to deal with customers.
The thing is he is STILL in my life. Why? No.1 - loneliness
No.2 - loneliness and wanting drugs
Of course I realize I cannot be in contact with him (xboyf of 5yrs, doesn't use drugs, doesn't beat me up) if I want to get clean!! I've cut him off twice in the past. Blocked him and all. But then I contacted him again. Coz I can't go walking around everywhere to get it, the CS, and also he even got a script for alzam. It gives him a hold over me. Now this LAST time, I totally went for it and told him to leave me alone, I told him he had been abusing my weakness, feeding my addiction. Etc. Not that he was to blame.
That was fri night. Sat I spent whole day in bed...weeping (how dramatic lol) and sunday was hell too. If that was sun? All blurry. But I was clean. I had zero motivation. Then by the next day I had contacted him. Again. I was so lonely and too depressed to do my work so I just slide deeper into my gloom ditch.
I just don't know how to stop this cycle, I can walk away from him, tell him to leave me alone, that I'm trying to get clean. but in a moment of weakness I stumble!!!!! Why?! I can't STOP
Since I moved out of my xboyfs place he has not given up wanting to be friends still, oh it is so much to explain it all. Basically I'm not used to being alone. Coz I'm scared to be alone with myself coz I don't like myself. Or I'm scared ill get depressed. I w as with him for 5yrs. Ok blah blah etc, I was never in love with him, but he gave me a place to stay when I was drugging, crystal, and doing sordid stuff in the name of it's Glory, I had nowhere else to stay so I had to put up a pretence of being his girlf, I stopped doing crystal and other depravities but still hung onto the cough med. I felt it was my "duty" to sleep with him coz I had nowhere to go and cldnt pay rent. I felt guilty, cldnt find a job, depressed. So we had a bartering thing, as in sex for codeine. It was only 100ml everytime coz we were poor.
But I left him last year, but then we sort of stayed friends. But I was desperately lonely, separation anxiety etc. I had to give u that background stuff to put it in context: so I started the slide down Relapse road. But then he came to visit and one day I was soooo depressed I messaged him and asked cld he buy me csyrup. So he did but I didn't know he wld expect sex for it. I mean the day I told him I wanted to break up I was wild with happiness that I wld no longer have to prostitute myself to him. So when he intimated that I was shocked. he wanted me to pay back with sex not money.
We bartered for six days straight. That was 600ml of cs.
So that is his kind of M.O.
But in dec I got a job and I didn't even think about taking it. Then he came back into my life coz I wanted alzam coz I have social anxiety and it was very hard for me to deal with customers.
The thing is he is STILL in my life. Why? No.1 - loneliness
No.2 - loneliness and wanting drugs
Of course I realize I cannot be in contact with him (xboyf of 5yrs, doesn't use drugs, doesn't beat me up) if I want to get clean!! I've cut him off twice in the past. Blocked him and all. But then I contacted him again. Coz I can't go walking around everywhere to get it, the CS, and also he even got a script for alzam. It gives him a hold over me. Now this LAST time, I totally went for it and told him to leave me alone, I told him he had been abusing my weakness, feeding my addiction. Etc. Not that he was to blame.
That was fri night. Sat I spent whole day in bed...weeping (how dramatic lol) and sunday was hell too. If that was sun? All blurry. But I was clean. I had zero motivation. Then by the next day I had contacted him. Again. I was so lonely and too depressed to do my work so I just slide deeper into my gloom ditch.
I just don't know how to stop this cycle, I can walk away from him, tell him to leave me alone, that I'm trying to get clean. but in a moment of weakness I stumble!!!!! Why?! I can't STOP
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 313
This is a sad story you tell anathaine. Newsflash: You can't quit drugs cause you're addicted to them. It's harder for some than others but as its been related here many times before, recovery is possible and worth all the effort. Honesty is also important in any recovery regimen. With yourself and others. There is a good life without drugs waiting for you out there but it won't materialize if you keep doing things that you know are wrong. Good luck.
Slowly, but surely, making it!
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northwest Florida
Posts: 493
He is your other drug. You are going to have to quit him, too. It's tough. God KNOWS it's tough. I had a situation just like yours years and years ago. The only thing that helped me was disappearing for a month, changing my phone number and telling all my friends to tell him NOTHING about me. It worked for a long time, then he found me again. By then I was strong enough to fight him, and actually had to take him to court TWICE for restraining orders but I finally won. I'm talking over three years this went on. Even as recently as a year ago he was still trying to contact me. He still has my photos up on his myspace and facebook (from 2004 and 2005), for Pete's sake! People like this never truly go away. It's up to YOU to take the steps toward healing and hide yourself away from the temptation. Good luck.
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