But I have this extremely complex problem. I wrote about it on the AA side too.
Since I moved out of my xboyfs place he has not given up wanting to be friends still, oh it is so much to explain it all. Basically I'm not used to being alone. Coz I'm scared to be alone with myself coz I don't like myself. Or I'm scared ill get depressed. I w as with him for 5yrs. Ok blah blah etc, I was never in love with him, but he gave me a place to stay when I was drugging, crystal, and doing sordid stuff in the name of it's Glory, I had nowhere else to stay so I had to put up a pretence of being his girlf, I stopped doing crystal and other depravities but still hung onto the cough med. I felt it was my "duty" to sleep with him coz I had nowhere to go and cldnt pay rent. I felt guilty, cldnt find a job, depressed. So we had a bartering thing, as in sex for codeine. It was only 100ml everytime coz we were poor.
But I left him last year, but then we sort of stayed friends. But I was desperately lonely, separation anxiety etc. I had to give u that background stuff to put it in context: so I started the slide down Relapse road. But then he came to visit and one day I was soooo depressed I messaged him and asked cld he buy me csyrup. So he did but I didn't know he wld expect sex for it. I mean the day I told him I wanted to break up I was wild with happiness that I wld no longer have to prostitute myself to him. So when he intimated that I was shocked. he wanted me to pay back with sex not money.
We bartered for six days straight. That was 600ml of cs.
So that is his kind of M.O.
But in dec I got a job and I didn't even think about taking it. Then he came back into my life coz I wanted alzam coz I have social anxiety and it was very hard for me to deal with customers.
The thing is he is STILL in my life. Why? No.1 - loneliness
No.2 - loneliness and wanting drugs
Of course I realize I cannot be in contact with him (xboyf of 5yrs, doesn't use drugs, doesn't beat me up) if I want to get clean!! I've cut him off twice in the past. Blocked him and all. But then I contacted him again. Coz I can't go walking around everywhere to get it, the CS, and also he even got a script for alzam. It gives him a hold over me. Now this LAST time, I totally went for it and told him to leave me alone, I told him he had been abusing my weakness, feeding my addiction. Etc. Not that he was to blame.
That was fri night. Sat I spent whole day in bed...weeping (how dramatic lol) and sunday was hell too. If that was sun? All blurry. But I was clean. I had zero motivation. Then by the next day I had contacted him. Again. I was so lonely and too depressed to do my work so I just slide deeper into my gloom ditch.
I just don't know how to stop this cycle, I can walk away from him, tell him to leave me alone, that I'm trying to get clean. but in a moment of weakness I stumble!!!!! Why?! I can't STOP