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Marijuana anyone?

Old 10-12-2012, 09:30 PM
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ah, i really wish you all the best uncool! n thanks.
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Old 10-14-2012, 10:43 PM
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I've been reading the stories in the back of the MA book "Life With Hope" and a couple things jumped out at me:

In "Started Off With A Bang" the writer says: "I acquired a private pilot's liscence...I loved to fly stoned. I took pride in the fact that I could fly with my knees while rolling a joint (and in heavy turbulence!)." I never got a pilot's liscence but I can remember how proud I was of my driving ability while stoned. I was certain that I drove better stoned. My friend and I liked to smoke in my old Pontiac Grand Am, because the little cup on the inside of the door held my pipe perfectly and wouldn't let it spill or anything. I had a perfect routine down where everything I needed to smoke was strategically placed in my car where I could load bowls and smoke with ease while using my knees to drive. I had it down to a science.

In "A Slave To Marijuana" the writer is sharing her experience taking the second and third steps and says: "I sat on my meditation bench (which I'd never used while getting stoned), and recited the first three Steps and the serenity prayer to the wall." It seems like the girl in the story got the meditation bench to meditate while stoned, but never used it until she began working the steps to stop smoking.

I like this part too cuz it reminds me of some of the insanity and nonsense thinking that came with my addiction. When I was trying to moderate I would obsess about how I wanted to be part of the "pot/stoner culture" and stuff. I'd get things that I thought would enhance my life with pot. Dumb stuff like a lava lamp, a hacky sack, inscence, etc. (Because real marijuana users smoked while playing hacky sack and burning incense in front of their lava lamp, right?) Then I would say to myself "ok this time when I get pot I'm gonna burn some incense and turn on my lava lamp". Then I'd buy weed and once I got high I'd didn't care about any of that. The lava lamp instantly started collecting dust. I'd just be stoned staring at the television again.
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Old 10-15-2012, 01:42 PM
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Ha ha Rob, your posts are killin me. One of my favorite things was to smoke and drive. I used to love getting stuck in traffic, I had the perfect remedy and thought I was smarter than everyone else who didn't. I can steer with my knees and shift with the palm of my hand. I had the compartments thing figured out, too. I had some close calls with the law doing this, and one VERY close one.

I would go on a drive with friends and smoke them up and they would often say something like "this reminds me of when I was in high school" and I'd be like yeah, I'm 37.

I told myself I drive better stoned because I'm so focused, and my few tickets and accidents had happened when I was sober because I wasn't paying attention, talking, yeah this doesn't make sense.

My girlfriend (now ex) and I used to go on road trips together a lot. She was a teacher and didn't partake and didn't really like that I did. When we first started dating, I told her that I was an addict and if she ever questioned my smoking I was gone.

I told her that if we ever got pulled over, I would take the heat and she wouldn't get in trouble or lose her job. I had no idea if this was true, I doubt it was. So I would smoke and she'd quietly get mad and she'd roll down her window because the car stunk and there would be this tension and I did it anyway. I'd be too stoned to deal with it but what was there to say, anyway. This happened a lot. I also once smoked driving with her dad in a car right behind us, and once with two friends parked in her mom's driveway (her mom caught us that time, stupid and embarrassing).

She chose to stay with me for some reason and we're now good friends but I still regret making her mad and wasting her time during the relationship. I was always open and honest with her but did lie about how much I spent on herb. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that our breakup led to me being in a dark place that eventually resulting in me quitting.

I tried to learn to hack in college but it was too hard so I'd always give up after about 2 minutes.
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Old 10-15-2012, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by FatallyUncool View Post
I tried to learn to hack in college but it was too hard so I'd always give up after about 2 minutes.
yep. that was my experience exactly.
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Old 10-15-2012, 06:17 PM
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I can't believe I just lost the whole post I wrote. Whatever...

Anyway...

You guys are killing me over here. Rob--you with your lava lamp and incense and FatallyUncool with the whole, "...yeah, I'm 37," comment. To say I can relate is an understatement.

Driving was my absolute favorite thing to do while smoking. I used so much gas that I was ashamed of THAT, never mind what I was doing to burn it. I had a couple of friends who were regular passengers of mine--always one at a time, but we were out frequently. I had multiple routes of varying lengths that incorporated scenery to suit your every mood. Sometimes I went by myself to just crank whatever music I wanted and get lost in my thoughts.

My weed traveled around with me in my little "kit" (which I could not leave home without)...a pink and black plaid-patterned pouch (supposed to be a makeup bag, I guess) that very perfectly fit my bowl in its own little cozy and my little jar of pot--an oregano jar, because I was so clever like that and hilarious to myself. I also would make sure there were paperclips handy in case the bowl got clogged if I failed to clean it out often enough. I even joked about how good I was at cleaning bowls and that I should offer it as a service to people. How you advertise that, I'm not sure.

I thought when I quit I would miss terribly the way that smoking and driving made me feel. Sometimes I do, actually...just not like I thought I would. I had a few moments last week when I was taking the dog to the woods to walk through the trails. It was a beautiful day, awesome foliage, perfect temperature, getting near sunset time--always my favorite, and I thought, damn, it would be nice to smoke a bowl and go for a ride. I would almost qualify it as yearning. Hell, I even used to take smoke breaks in the woods after smoking on the way there after smoking before I left the house and knowing I would smoke on the way home. I thought it just enhanced everything, like I think I mentioned in another post. But, I told myself, get to the trails and walk it off.

I have to say, it's nice to not get so winded so quickly...and the scenery is just as beautiful sober as it was when I was smoking.
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Old 10-17-2012, 12:11 PM
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I'm right there with you. Yes, I had a couple of travel kits, too. Different ones depending on the length of the trip.

I still think about it every day, but crave it less and less. I went hiking recently and there was a little stream crossing and I thought "what a perfect spot for a smoke". Oh, well. I have a way of romanticizing my past use. I think all addicts do this, and in NA they say "play the tape all the way to the end".

So in the woods, for instance, or driving, it felt good, and everything seemed more beautiful and "in the right place" (false spirituality), but it was a real trade-off for me. All the time I spent worrying about having enough in advance, worried and embarrassed about how it made my straight friends feel, paranoia about getting busted by the law or others, or doing something idiotic in public, always wondering if and when and where I should do some more, getting lost (often), being tired and hagged out the rest of the day, diminishing returns on each bowl. Then I'd forget the whole day anyway.

I smoked really expensive stuff and a lot of it (we called it endless bowls), never made a lot and never had any money. Bumming money off my folks and lying. My old dealer had a tapestry in his living room that said something like "it's better to have weed and no money, than money and no weed". We sat around and nodded and agreed about how brilliant it was, so true. Surprise, I'm broke.

Add that to the psychological and emotional stuff we've covered already.

I experimented some but never got heavy into harder drugs. And I still am conscious that there are probably folks here with harder DOCs that think that I'm weak and I can't imagine what they are going through and they are right. But this drug has it's own dark side.

Sometimes I wish I'd had done blow or something else, bottomed out, and cleaned up and got on with my life many years ago. This sneaky drug has allowed me to be a barely functional addict for 20 years, watching my life drift by. Old car, no house, job I hate, no wife or kids, a few good friends.

Herb numbed me from the things that most people would be motivated to change. I have many regrets but that is what I'm working on now.

Yeah, I hike a lot and trail run now and the scenery is no less beautiful. And it no longer varies depending on how high I am or how much herb I've got left.
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Old 10-17-2012, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by RobC420 View Post
I've been reading the stories in the back of the MA book "Life With Hope" and a couple things jumped out at me:




I like this part too cuz it reminds me of some of the insanity and nonsense thinking that came with my addiction. When I was trying to moderate I would obsess about how I wanted to be part of the "pot/stoner culture" and stuff. I'd get things that I thought would enhance my life with pot. Dumb stuff like a lava lamp, a hacky sack, inscence, etc. (Because real marijuana users smoked while playing hacky sack and burning incense in front of their lava lamp, right?) Then I would say to myself "ok this time when I get pot I'm gonna burn some incense and turn on my lava lamp". Then I'd buy weed and once I got high I'd didn't care about any of that. The lava lamp instantly started collecting dust. I'd just be stoned staring at the television again.
You're killing me! I'm in the library trying to stifle my laughter--I love it! I too had all these silly mindsets, stuff which I never lived up too. Didn't have the coordination stoned or straight for a hacky sack. And like you said, after smoking, who cared?

Thanks for the laugh!
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Old 10-18-2012, 04:40 AM
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Lets talk a bit more about weed.
Smoking ten jonints a day.
And eating some spacecake.
Not eating anything else.
Small hallicunations.
Outbreaks of sweat.
Headaches, stomach ages, lung aches.
No money, no energy, no ability to look further then my next joint.
Constant depression.
Paranoia, not answering phones and opening doors.
Complete apathy.
Yes, this is weed to me.
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:41 AM
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Wow I relate with this thread so much. It's common for longterm smokers of weed to have it turn on them at some point. I use to love pot but as I got older I would get insane panic attacks where I became convinced I had cancer or was dying or something horrible was about to happen. It was like a near-death experience everytime I smoked. But I kept smoking thinking, this time it will be different, and thats addiction! Even yesterday on day 27 I was hinking about how maybe years down the road when my life is good and I'm all good mentally I could go back to using weed, but use edibles so I wouldn't be afraid of smoking and the health problems associated with it. I listened to NORML's radio blog, and took an interest in whats going on politically with pot. Did you know that there is a measure to legalize pot in Colorado? Pretty cool!

I'm kind of jealous of people who enjoy pot without the bad side effects. I love the culture, politics, smell, and so many things about pot. But I hate how it makes me feel and the anti-social introspective trance it puts over me. I smoked for 10+years and its amazing how I still have that voice in my mind saying: this time it will be different. Thats addiction talking. And I doubt I'll ever be able to go back to mary jane without consequences. We'll see. Only time will tell.
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Old 10-18-2012, 01:31 PM
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Addiction is addiction is addiction; no matter the substance. I, like yourself, was addicted to MJ. I loved it! God...it was everything I wanted. I started young, 15, and smoked up until about 6 months ago. I had tried everything else under the sun and MJ was the one thing I thought wasn't that harmful so I kept doing it. I later got into opiates but that's another post. The thing is, I used for so long and it became such a part of my identity that after I quit, I had to rediscover who I was. That was the hardest part of it all.

Hang in there though, you'll make it. It will be hard but also very rewarding as you'll finally have your life back. Best of luck to you and feel free to message me if you have any questions or want to talk.
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Old 10-18-2012, 02:52 PM
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Originally Posted by YoungAndClean View Post
I use to love pot but as I got older I would get insane panic attacks where I became convinced I had cancer or was dying or something horrible was about to happen. It was like a near-death experience everytime I smoked. But I kept smoking thinking, this time it will be different, and thats addiction!
yep. I went through this too. 4 months before I got clean I was rear ended in a car wreck. I got some mild back pain, but my panic and anxiety convinced me I was going paralyzed. I also had some soreness across my chest from the seat belt and my panic and anxiety convinced me that was tuberculosis. That was just plain insanity. I so grateful my sanity has been restored to me in the last year and a half.
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Old 10-18-2012, 06:48 PM
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:-( really sad to read these- my friend had all of these symptoms in spades and i did not know what it was. i just had no clue. i thought weed was relatively harmless, even therapeutic, all of your experiences tell me otherwise. im so sad i didnt know how to help my friend. hes probably still in a terrible place, and i cant tell him- he will only get angry and deny it and probably be really nasty to me, furthering the pain ive already felt. reading SR has helpd so much. and i am starting to really really hate drugs and see what a scourge even the 'innocuous' ones are. i have several buddies who have displayed all of these behaviours, as well as some really nasty stuff, as well and being absolutely unreliable, mean nasty and unpredictable- and only from long term weed use. its very sad. no one i know has any idea of these effects and issues- not in such deoth and those who use deny or minimise them. this should probably be more widely known. thank you all for sharing.
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:18 PM
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I've read more of the stories in the back of the MA book "Life With Hope" and came across another part I can really relate to:

In "I Found MA Online" the writer runs her own business and says: I worked out a great arrangement with one of my customers who was also one of my user buddies. When she needed my product, we traded it for pot. I thought that was a great arrangement.

This part reminds me of when I was taking a computer typing class in college. On the first day this old dude sits next to me and within a week we had an arrangement where I would do the homework and print out a second copy with his name on it. In return he would hook me up with weed. I definitely thought it was a great arrangement.

I remeber back then thinking about how strange it was that me and this old guy just clicked and knew we were both potheads right away. We had the pot-dar thing going. You put 50 people in a room and the 2 potheads just find eachother. I think I still got this in recovery and try to use it at meetings. For example, someone comes in to the AA meeting I frequent and I just get this sense like "yep. they're a pothead". Then I make it a point to mention some aspect of my smoking in my share to let him/her know that they're not alone.
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:54 PM
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for me smokin pot was all about the same thing as every other drug i tried: do it to block out the mental mayhem in my head. my thinker wasnt thinking right. when i got into recovery( my DOC was alcohol) i knew that smokin dope wasnt gonna help get my thinker working gooder.
in order for me to work on my thinker, i had to give up all mind and mood altering substances. my thinker is thinkin better today, but i know that all of the years of smokin and drinking has effected it some.
but i sure couldnt see that when i was baked.
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:37 AM
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Rob...it does seem to be true that potheads can always find each other. I worked with a girl who has since moved, but somehow we gravitated to each other and it turned out that we were at the exact same level of smoking--all day, everyday, basically. Fast friends. She said she quit a week after I did--she was still driving up here and I was getting her weed and we were taking drives and all that fun stuff. I haven't talked to her in about two weeks, but she seemed to also be doing well. When we "found out" about each other, it seemed at first we became each other's excuses, so to speak. You know, the whole, 'well, at least I'm not the only one.' How addicts spend their time with other addicts who normalize things...

Glad to be done with it right now. Grateful that despite all the stress I've been through JUST SINCE I STOPPED, that I haven't caved. I've thought about it plenty and how it would make me feel better--calm the "thinker" down. Truly, it would end up making it all worse.
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Old 10-22-2012, 12:01 PM
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I am very jealous of non-addicts who can smoke casually without the side effects. I think about smoking again and controlling my use. But I never could control it before, and I have never heard a single story about heavy smokers like me who quit, and then later tried to control it and did successfully. Maybe if I address and work on the things that I'm trying to numb, I can do this one day. But at that point, will I have a use for it?

As corny as I think it sounds, I am also trying to find myself. Everything about me revolved around herb, my appearance, music, politics, friends, interests, jobs, art, movies, personality. I'm not saying I wore pot leaf shirts and worked in a head shop but I think y'all get my drift. Very strange to have all this new freedom.

Among the list of things I was paranoid about, health was certainly one. I was pretty certain I had COPD, and possibly cancer. I also avoided the dentist for several years, maybe ten or more. One day I saw a tv show where a meth addict was told that she would lose all of her teeth from her addiction and I totally freaked out and found a dentist and went.

Pot-dar? Hahahahaha! This reminds me of good buddies, but also of feeling obligated to hang out with people I didn't really like, to acquire. A previous dealer/friend was a huge Zappa fan and I never liked Zappa (sorry) and he knew it but he still played live Zappa most every time I was there, and took a long time to get around to business when I visited. Another was a really nice guy, but a huge online role-playing gamer, and would talk for hours about this and I would just smile and nod. Don't feel sorry for me, though, I was just using and manipulating my friendships to get drugs.

Yes, the mental mayhem in my head. That is a good description, and I still have it. Pot helped for a long time, then only made it much worse, and I still didn't want to quit.
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Old 10-22-2012, 03:43 PM
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Wonderful post uncool. I feel as if I have started and quit just about everything and I must comment on you post that what you have written is repeated in every type of addiction. Or is it simply stated in addiction recovery. I said the same thing in quitting pot then alcohol and now opiates although pot was the only one that involved a dealer but either way my experience was the same.

For each - or all - of my various addictions I hoped at some point that I could find a way to proceed in some type of controlled fashion just because I love to get high. How many times have I thought - "If I could only get high I would feel so much better" - only to find that it just brought me to wanting to get even higher and then to last longer and then to never stop.

I simply can't get high - in an artificial sense. No way. No how. It will inevitably lead to self destruction and I have proven that more times than I care to remember.

I imagine from reading your stuff that it is much the same for you.
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Old 10-24-2012, 01:36 PM
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Thank you live1ce. Self destruction is right. The day I use responsibly is not in the foreseeable future for me, mostly just a dream.

I have too many raw negative feelings and regrets now to think that I'm in a good place to try that again. It is clear to me that it will not make me feel better, especially in the long term. Now I'm focusing on the hole that's left, and addressing the sore spots that remained after I removed the band aid.

Speaking of dealers, the ones I mentioned were the good ones! I had forgotten about wandering through terrible areas, giving money to strangers, and another connection who wasn't home once and his roommate didn't speak English and flashed his gun at me when I stopped by in the middle of the night. Ha ha some things I miss and some I don't.
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Old 10-27-2012, 06:30 AM
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I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all their posts on this subject. I just recently found out that my brother has been smoking pot since 17 (he is 38 now) and has tried other drugs off and on since then. Even when he used other drugs, pot was a constant. His life is in a shambles right now, and he is currently in recovery. There is a reason why pot has been called the "gateway" drug.

I am glad to read that others understand that addiction is addiction. The DOC doesn't change that you are an addict. The first time my brother admitted to being a drug user his words to me were, "yes I've used it, but it's just pot." Mind you this was said to me while he was being held in the psych ward after suffering a psychotic episode and threatening to take his roommate hostage if the FBI came for him. Thank you for confirming how pot can wreak havoc on your life. I get so frustrated when I hear people shrug it off as "not a big deal."
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Old 11-04-2012, 05:16 PM
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2 months today! YAY! Honestly, never thought I'd be saying that...
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