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Old 10-09-2012, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by kindness2012 View Post
Thank you all SO MUCH for sharing.
Thanks for reading! I had a relationship back in 2003 while I was in the midst of my using and as I read your post I can just imagine that she was thinking and feeling a lot of the same things you think and feel. I was never suicidal, but I told her a lot about how ashamed I was and how she deserved better than me, etc. She always told me otherwise and tried to point out all the great things I had going for me in my life, but I just couldn't see it. Eventually she left and it was the right decision for her and for me. I was in no position to maintain a relationship. I was a very sick person and needed real help. It's heartbreaking that it couldn't have been different, but that was just our journey. It took me another 8 years of using, but now I am eternally greatful that I have gotten the help I need and I don't have to live like that anymore.

Thanks for sharing!
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Old 10-09-2012, 07:05 PM
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It makes me feel good to know that, a. I'm not the only one who feels this way or has had these problems...Need to say that again, and b. Something I said has been useful to someone.

A new person on another thread posted about relapsing and starting to think about becoming an occasional pot smoker. I have thought about how nice that would be myself. I mean, people go out for a couple beers now and then, right? Why couldn't I be a weekend smoker? Well, because, with pot, I am all or nothing. I like it too much. And when you start again after a long hiatus, you do get that first-time high feeling again and, at least for me, it's motivation to keep smoking. I handle it fine for a while, but it doesn't last...and like someone else pointed out, you end up with all the negative consequences again right back where you were thinking you never should have thought you could become an occasional pot smoker. By the end of the past seven years of smoking to no end, I was getting completely frustrated because I was able to smoke ridiculous amounts of really good pot and not even really feel high at all. It pi**ed me off, actually. And one of my friends, a grower, remarked about it...because no one I hung out with could smoke like that and not be on the floor. I could smoke like that and deal with almost anything. Not right.

One thing is true about me though, I wasn't a liar about it. Ever. I didn't really have to be because my friends who even knew remotely how much I smoked, smoked with me, and those who didn't? Well, I just wouldn't really spend time with them often. I couldn't have dated anyone who was anti...and if I had, who knows, I may have become a lying, sneaking addict. There were people I didn't tell--work, obviously--but I also never claimed I didn't. I also never told people I smoked less than I did. I just didn't tell them how much I smoked. And no one asked.

What started to become especially disheartening to me was that people I knew associated me with pot. The one example from recent months that REALLY hit me was back in May. A very close friend of mine committed suicide. He swam into the ocean and drowned. A few of us were gathered at his apartment to clean out his belongings and one of the women there said, "I put together something for you." She walked away and came back with a beautiful metal--bronze, maybe...not sure--case...I can't really describe it, but it looks like it's very old and maybe from India or something. Inside it were all my friend's pipes, roach clips, rolling papers, three different kinds of pot, at least, and some seeds rolling around. It was his stash box. When she gave it to me, she also said that another mutual friend of ours, upon hearing what she was giving me, remarked with an affectionate chuckle, "Haha! That's perfect!" It was all without any malicious intent, but it struck me that I was THE pothead. Not to mention that the friend who passed once gave me a bud that weighed almost an ounce for my birthday...and also gave me another ounce for free once, just because.

I don't know why I'm rambling again... I've had kind of a rough day. The ex and I got into it which I know is stupid and just makes me feel like s**t. He is still taking and abusing his "medication"--prescription Dilaudid--and he loves to blame-shift and throw my past at me as ammo and tell me how I'm crazy and how I am "making things up" about his addiction. I play right into it and end up saying things that aren't nice--they're true, but I don't try to say them in a diplomatic way at all--and in the end, I'm more angry, more sad, and it doesn't help anything. It's times like this where I kind of feel like saying "f**k it" and smoking. But I haven't. And I don't WANT to. I think that as I go through readjusting to being sober, my brain and my body aren't sure what to do or how to feel sometimes.

Eyes on the prize, I tell myself...Life continues to happen.
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Old 10-09-2012, 10:18 PM
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I was a lot different in the respect that I almost exclusively did edibles towards the end. They were so much stronger and lasted so much longer that smoking just felt inferior to me. I could cook them during the day when I had the house to myself and then eat them at night and there wouldn't be the smell of smoke or anything to hide. I would buy large amounts of cheap dirt weed and just cook with it every single day, I told myself that it was completely harmless because there was no smoke, but looking back on it those things really did f*** up my digestive cycle.

I was always looking for an excuse to cook them, every time I had the house to myself was a good time to cook one or two, I never did more than that because I was worried they would go bad or something. When my plans got ruined somehow I hated it, if someone was home sick or stayed up late or didn't go on a trip I would get really angry. It's really nice to not have to deal with that any more. I don't have to constantly plan my use and work on hiding it, that entire aspect is gone.

The whole harmless movement is really damaging I think and I hate people who promote the drug as some miracle plant from god, I've come to seriously doubt that it has even half of the medical benefits that people boast about. It's that propaganda that helped keep me going for so long, there are entire forums dedicated to smoking and talking about smoking, and a lot of articles and arguments that talk about the benefits of using and how harmless it is, if you want to justify the addiction there is a wealth of information to help you do that. Try doing that with alcohol or most other drugs and you'll hit a wall really fast. I've tried justifying weekend binges and come up with nothing but bad news, I don't think I've ever read an article that said that alcohol was good for you aside from the glass of red wine thing.

One thing that has helped me put that in perspective is to look at the history of drugs and alcohol. "Nine out of ten doctors recommend lucky strikes." That statement alone says it all, just because something is regarded as safe or harmless right now doesn't mean that it necessarily is. Who knows what they'll be shaking their heads at thirty years down the road, saying "I can't believe people used to do that."
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Old 10-09-2012, 10:33 PM
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That interesting about the edibles. I only had them once when a guy I knew made some brownies and let me try them. I considered that they would be good for getting high at work tho, but I never bothered trying to make them. 90% of the time I was smoking a glass hand pipe. I think I enjoyed the actual smoking part of it. I used to smoke cigs too so I wonder if I don't just have an oral fixation thing.
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Old 10-09-2012, 11:31 PM
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ah Rob, tanx, your post made me so sad tho. i knew there was something wrong, progressively worse, and he said exactly the same things. i really loved who he was, despite everything. i am missing him terribly. i dont know how much of that is that i have been left to work out exactly what was going on- he described the territory but did not give me the map. so i didnt know how to deal with him, largely. i just helped him as much as i could. i feel remiss in that i didnt know what was hurting him. i really do. i wonder if i could have made a difference. i dont think he could admit what it was. i now wonder if he was using other things besides, im such a neophyte i wouldnt know, really. i could see and feel he was really sick, he blamed it on physical ailments. but i am a pretty acute sensitive/ healer, and when he let me work on him, i was baffled, becuase what i 'saw' did not tally with what he was telling me. i told him that he was not as ill as he thought he was. that he was really strong etc. i mean i expected to 'see' a complete wreck. but i was baffled, because although it helped him SO much,he reported feeling better than he had in YEARS ie- I sprang out of bed today, and i have whistled,a nd sung and felt happy' he never asked me to work on him again. i didnt get it at all :-( now it kind of makes sense. it must have shocked him that i could see that he wasnt all that ill. what i did see was interesting though, in terms of what he looked like energetically. subtle bodies like alto cirrus clouds, very unusual subtle body colours. i really wanted to 'look' again, to make more sense of it, or to see if it was shifting, i think he did shift in many ways while we were together. i dont understand really, why he pushed me away. and im surprised at how much detritus its left me to clean up emotionally. but i did love and like this person such a lot. and in the end, he just shut it all down. heart busting. :-( tx
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Old 10-10-2012, 12:38 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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ms, your account has helped me enormously. fangs so much! :-)
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Old 10-10-2012, 02:14 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Wow I just read through this thread and I am so grateful for all of you and your posts.

I am a recovering pothead (since I was 20, I'm 41) and see myself in so many of the stories above. Early giddy days with friends, crazy road trips, artsy creativity, broken pipes, stealing buds, stressing about running out, anger, depression, isolation, never wanting to go out or do anything, avoiding vacations, stupid things that could have gotten me in a lot of trouble!

I am really self conscious about my recovery. "It's not addictive, I'm just being dramatic, what am I doing in a sober forum, there's people here with real problems."

My therapist has suggested I quit and I thought it was UNIMAGINABLE, even though pot was not working for me anymore. It made me anxious, not relaxed, boring and stagnant, not creative, anti-social, not fun.

One night I was having a terrible problem with my ex, and I KNEW smoking would make me feel worse, just as it had for several weeks (or more).

I didn't smoke that night or the next two nights, but when Friday rolled around, I didn't know what to do with myself. I went to an NA meeting just to get out and do something and be around people. When they accepted me and supported me, I felt really insecure, like I was keeping a secret about my drug of choice. Finally at a meeting, I said, hey, this is my DOC, I've never been dopesick, or had DTs or the shakes. Someone let me know if I should stop coming here or if I'm a poser or don't "qualify". Everyone seemed to accept me and said it's about addiction, not the substance. No one laughed. I got a lot of support that night.

I don't know if the program is completely right for me, or if you would have a similar experience at your NA group. I just really appreciate reading all of your stories, and sharing my own.
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:02 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Thanks for posting Uncool. I'm glad you found this thread and shared some of your story. I've had some of the same insecurities and have wanted to hold back that my DOC is marijuana. Since joining a program of recovery I have been much more comfortable with it. When I'm open about it I think others who have similar experiences feel more comfortable sharing about themselves. You're definitely not alone.
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:15 PM
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When they accepted me and supported me, I felt really insecure, like I was keeping a secret about my drug of choice. Finally at a meeting, I said, hey, this is my DOC, I've never been dopesick, or had DTs or the shakes. Someone let me know if I should stop coming here or if I'm a poser or don't "qualify". Everyone seemed to accept me and said it's about addiction, not the substance. No one laughed. I got a lot of support that night.
Check it out, this is from the book "Narcotics Anonymous", "Who Is an Addict?":

"One aspect of our addiction was our inability to deal with life on life's terms. We tried drugs and combinations of drugs to cope with a seemingly hostile world. We dreamed of finding a magic formula that would solve our ultimate problem--ourselves. The fact was that we could not use any mind-altering or mood-changing substance, including marijuana and alcohol, successfully. Drugs ceased to make us feel good."

Glad you went to NA and glad you are here, Uncool!

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Old 10-10-2012, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by RobC420 View Post
When I'm open about it I think others who have similar experiences feel more comfortable sharing about themselves. You're definitely not alone.
This is what I feel like I've been noticing the past few days on here. The more of us who share, the more that share. It's more than helpful to me...and it really feels good to be able to talk about this openly without the feeling that someone is waiting to ridicule me.
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Old 10-10-2012, 09:21 PM
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Originally Posted by stairs View Post
Check it out, this is from the book "Narcotics Anonymous", "Who Is an Addict?":

"One aspect of our addiction was our inability to deal with life on life's terms. We tried drugs and combinations of drugs to cope with a seemingly hostile world. We dreamed of finding a magic formula that would solve our ultimate problem--ourselves. The fact was that we could not use any mind-altering or mood-changing substance, including marijuana and alcohol, successfully. Drugs ceased to make us feel good."

Glad you went to NA and glad you are here, Uncool!

Wow--this is so timely. I was just writing on another thread how I finally realized with my opiate addiction that it WAS me and not (just) the substance. (It does take two to tango!)

Realizing that was and is so huge for me. And it makes me think maybe I should give NA one more try.

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Old 10-10-2012, 10:24 PM
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THANKS UNCOOL! QUOTE_ My therapist has suggested I quit and I thought it was UNIMAGINABLE, even though pot was not working for me anymore. It made me anxious, not relaxed, boring and stagnant, not creative, anti-social, not fun-

yes, that's what he was like. not at forst but increasingly. i didnt know WHAT the heck was wrong. ah god, thank you rthis has been so frickn baffling. i didnt hitnk pot could do that. thankssssaaaaa!
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Old 10-10-2012, 10:29 PM
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mstrust, rob, lyonesse, uncool, i cant TELL YOU how much this helps me know what ive seen my ex suffer . i dont think he's even AWARE of it himself. i think he thinks the pot helps him!!! but ive seen him go paranoid and anxiety ridden as soon as he has a smoke. god i wish i could get hom to read this. tx- kindness
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Old 10-11-2012, 06:12 AM
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I think I mentioned that there was a time when I thought pot was helping me too. I went through a period where I was processing some things that had happened to me a decade before that I had never really dealt with. I read through journals, I talked to friends, I went to therapy...I thought weed was helping me process things from a different angle--a little more objective and removed, slowed my thoughts down just enough, all that. It was a rationalization. In fact, looking back, I think I may have processed it all way better and faster had I not been completely blazed.

Also interesting is that I had panic attacks frequently when stoned. My heart would race, my hands would sweat, I would feel nauseous--and that would make me panic more, I was so visually-minded that if anyone said anything the least bit disturbing for me, I would obsess and not be able to get the thoughts out of my mind. At one point, I had panic attacks almost every single night. I would by laying in bed and I would picture myself getting up and running out the door and just going. This in the dead of winter. Then I would say to myself, whoa, I just smoked too much too fast, I need to chill out and wait a few minutes. Towards the end, when I felt that way, I made sure to stop myself and ask, 'What the f**k is so great about this?? Why is this fun again?? What am I getting out of this?? I feel terrible right now! Why do I keep doing it again and again all day everyday??' It was kind of eye-opening and it helped me stop. I rarely have anything remotely close to a panic attack now. And if I'm anxious, there is a clear-cut reason that makes actual sense and is part of life.
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Old 10-11-2012, 04:21 PM
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Yeah I began having panic attacks in 2009 while smoking (even while on medication for anxiety). The last 6 months of my smoking I quit taking the medication (without anyone knowing) and I was having panic attacks pretty much every night right after I'd smoke. The last month, I began having panic attacks even if I hadn't smoked yet that day. Then I would smoke thinking that it would calm me down, but it only made it worse. A massive panic attack far worse than any I had had before is what convinced me I HAD to get clean. 2 days later, my parents took me to the doctor and I had to get back on anti anxiety medication to control my anxiety. I've gone 18 months now without smoking or having a panic attack. My anxiety has become manageable again and tomorrow I'm getting off the medication (as advised by my doctor and therapist and agreed upon by my sponsor and family). Thats the miracle of recovery.
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Old 10-11-2012, 06:18 PM
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its funny, that ive had no idea really what the problem/s were/ are until finding SR. ive been reading other threads also and wondering if XBF was also doing other drugs- i would not have known. but it is funny- i rarely smoke, if i do it stupefies me. this only began falling into place tho one night i smoked 1/2 a j on my own( never done that before!!), went to bed and had PHANTASMAGORIA for hours. that was the moment i realised XBF's crazy haunted stuff was exacerbated by the weed. thanks guys.
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Old 10-11-2012, 10:04 PM
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It's so amazing that even when pot was causing anxiety, panic, paranoia I still rationalized it, still kept using. At one point I had a stern talk with myself and said either stop smoking or stop getting paranoid. One of these has got to go. Of course I kept smoking and just sort of denied the paranoia, etc. Until I couldn't...!
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Old 10-11-2012, 10:24 PM
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A couple months before I got clean I was trying to become a pro pot activist. I looked up NORML meetings on the net and found one to attend. Then I got high and became too paranoid to go. #facepalm
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Old 10-11-2012, 11:31 PM
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lyonesse, rob terrible but...lol :-( delusional...sounds familiar..more please..
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Old 10-12-2012, 02:05 PM
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Good gravy, y'all. So many of these things describe me perfectly. Being "that pot guy", always bringing it to parties or car rides or whatever, anxiety, rapid heart beat, getting high when I didn't want to! Too many others to list.

I've always thought that the world is such a terrible place and there is so much suffering and selfishness and unfairness. I got high thinking that no sane person could live in this world sober. If so, they must be in denial (ha!).

I have mild depression, but never wanted to take prescription drugs from the big bad pharmaceutical companies. What do they know? They're just selfish corporations, taking advantage of troubled people. I know all about Mary Jane and she's all natural. (I was ok with occasionally abusing painkillers recreationally, though.)

I told myself it was working for me and it took a lot to realize it wasn't, when I'm sure it would have been wildly obvious to anyone else.

There is a lot in the NA literature that clicks with me and some things that don't. I knew what the literature says, but I wanted to be open with the people in the group who had shared with me and supported me, and let them know my story and what I was feeling. They convinced me that my insecurities were just stuff in my head, and that no one cared about my DOC. If anyone does, they haven't said anything and I'm not trying to focus on them anyway. I'm still going to meetings, collecting chips (I'm just over 100 days clean), have a sponsor, and I'm working step one. We'll see.

(About to get corny) However, reading and posting in this thread has been really powerful for me. I can really relate to you all. I'm digging it and I really appreciate your posts. This is great for me.

Just coming here and reading and posting means that we are doing something positive with our situations. I wish you all the best and hope you keep posting. I'll be back.
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