It masked so much pain
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It masked so much pain
Hi all.
I have been off the opiates for 5 days now, 6 at 3pm this evening. My shoulders and neck have been on fire the last 2 or so days. I really tore them up weightlifting and well, work did the rest. It is so hard to want to eat anything. This whole time, I have been working and taking care of my 2 boys after work. Sometimes I'd come home and lay down and just let them run around like madmen. I didn't really care, my days have been so tiring. Now my wife has to work this weekend so I'm taking care of both of them alone and my daughter is here too. I never knew how badly I hurt myself on a daily basis at work or is it just something to be expected through this type of withdrawal? Every morning, I awake in a panic state. It's horrible. Much harder than I thought it would be. I think that even though I took those pills as directed, it took away a lot more than just the migraine pain it was prescribed for. Well, I'm just saying hello, trying to keep myself from going insane.
I have been off the opiates for 5 days now, 6 at 3pm this evening. My shoulders and neck have been on fire the last 2 or so days. I really tore them up weightlifting and well, work did the rest. It is so hard to want to eat anything. This whole time, I have been working and taking care of my 2 boys after work. Sometimes I'd come home and lay down and just let them run around like madmen. I didn't really care, my days have been so tiring. Now my wife has to work this weekend so I'm taking care of both of them alone and my daughter is here too. I never knew how badly I hurt myself on a daily basis at work or is it just something to be expected through this type of withdrawal? Every morning, I awake in a panic state. It's horrible. Much harder than I thought it would be. I think that even though I took those pills as directed, it took away a lot more than just the migraine pain it was prescribed for. Well, I'm just saying hello, trying to keep myself from going insane.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Malcolm,
Congratulations on making it this far, dude.
Most of us found that opiates seemed to work well as "antidepressants", even though the addiction specialists warn against their use for that purpose. Those effects disappear eventually, along with the rest of their good effects when dependence and toxicity develop.
After stopping, many of us find the depression to be the recovery-killer, since for a lot of us it was the anti-depressive effect that got us addicted. I know for me that was true.
I now take a very mild tetracyclic antidepressant not often prescribed, due to its appetite enhancing effects. It tends to make people gain weight. But it works so well for my morning anxiety, I started taking it again after trying to stop. It's not like an addictive thing, I just can't stand morning panic attacks.
You should ask your neurologist about this when you go in. Maybe that person will have some ideas.
You are amazing, and you are working very hard at this. That is admirable, and I hope you keep going as these "new" problems will all get better over time. How much time varies, but physical exercise does help when you can get back at it full on.
FT
Congratulations on making it this far, dude.
Most of us found that opiates seemed to work well as "antidepressants", even though the addiction specialists warn against their use for that purpose. Those effects disappear eventually, along with the rest of their good effects when dependence and toxicity develop.
After stopping, many of us find the depression to be the recovery-killer, since for a lot of us it was the anti-depressive effect that got us addicted. I know for me that was true.
I now take a very mild tetracyclic antidepressant not often prescribed, due to its appetite enhancing effects. It tends to make people gain weight. But it works so well for my morning anxiety, I started taking it again after trying to stop. It's not like an addictive thing, I just can't stand morning panic attacks.
You should ask your neurologist about this when you go in. Maybe that person will have some ideas.
You are amazing, and you are working very hard at this. That is admirable, and I hope you keep going as these "new" problems will all get better over time. How much time varies, but physical exercise does help when you can get back at it full on.
FT
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Thanks for the kind words, FT. I hate the morning panic thing. As soon as I rise from bed even. it's awful.
I have always had an anxiety disorder, although never officially diagnosed under a specific category. I remember when I was 9, I had a panic attack over a test in school I was going to have the next day and the fear of not doing well on it. Part of that was being afraid of being in my house alone in my room a lot, hiding from my parents. I'm sure you can see where this is going. So even now, I have a hard time around people in general.
I was on an anti depressant a while back, but it was one of those that made you gain weight also. So I stopped it. I don't like what they do in general. The "oh you'll have to take it for 4 to 6 weeks" crap really means you just get used to feeling like crap.
Anyway, I hope this all gets better soon. I really want to be somewhat normal again.
I have always had an anxiety disorder, although never officially diagnosed under a specific category. I remember when I was 9, I had a panic attack over a test in school I was going to have the next day and the fear of not doing well on it. Part of that was being afraid of being in my house alone in my room a lot, hiding from my parents. I'm sure you can see where this is going. So even now, I have a hard time around people in general.
I was on an anti depressant a while back, but it was one of those that made you gain weight also. So I stopped it. I don't like what they do in general. The "oh you'll have to take it for 4 to 6 weeks" crap really means you just get used to feeling like crap.
Anyway, I hope this all gets better soon. I really want to be somewhat normal again.
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What should I do about the burning in my shoulders and neck? Should I wait it out for another couple of days or call a real doctor about it and discuss it with them? My FNP doesn't know what to do there and because I take other things for all the pain I have, (neurontin, elavil and regular fiorcet), she seems to think that I'm on a lot already. I have an appointment with a new MD on the 22nd for just general stuff. Maybe I could call and talk to him about it. A FNP can only do so much and honestly, it's a clinic so the more patients they see the better for them. This new guy only sees 20-25 patients a day so he may take more time to help me.
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Hi Malcolm,
Some of the musculoskeletal stuff like what you are describing is from muscle tension and not from pinched nerves and radiculopathy. But those are medical diagnoses, and of course it would take your NP or doctor to identify the cause.
Did you say you have a TENS unit, or was that somebody else's post?
If you do, you might want to try it out, as it is a non-medicinal method that works well for what you are describing. I have one, and it works while I am using it, but has little residual effect.
Probably massage by a masseuse, or even if you can get someone to hold a massager on it if you can't reach it yourself. Other than that, you are probably stuck with ice and heat, alternating at ~15 minutes at a time. Some people find acupuncture or acupressure useful, also.
Sometimes the docs use the neurontin you are on for this type of pain, also. Again, they have to tell you whether to use it that way or not.
FT
Some of the musculoskeletal stuff like what you are describing is from muscle tension and not from pinched nerves and radiculopathy. But those are medical diagnoses, and of course it would take your NP or doctor to identify the cause.
Did you say you have a TENS unit, or was that somebody else's post?
If you do, you might want to try it out, as it is a non-medicinal method that works well for what you are describing. I have one, and it works while I am using it, but has little residual effect.
Probably massage by a masseuse, or even if you can get someone to hold a massager on it if you can't reach it yourself. Other than that, you are probably stuck with ice and heat, alternating at ~15 minutes at a time. Some people find acupuncture or acupressure useful, also.
Sometimes the docs use the neurontin you are on for this type of pain, also. Again, they have to tell you whether to use it that way or not.
FT
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You are amazing. Thank you so much for sharing. I too wake up with huge panic attacks.
And yes - it masked so much pain. For me it was physical and emotional. And I miss my 'friends' but they didn't work anymore anyway. I'm happy to be off that crazy train
As for your muscles...hot baths, hot showers...that's all I offer.
So very nice to see you here. Stay strong.
And yes - it masked so much pain. For me it was physical and emotional. And I miss my 'friends' but they didn't work anymore anyway. I'm happy to be off that crazy train
As for your muscles...hot baths, hot showers...that's all I offer.
So very nice to see you here. Stay strong.
Last edited by NVRAGAIN3PCT; 07-09-2011 at 01:08 PM. Reason: content
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Thank you for your help NVR. All of the sudden, I feel so much more relief. It may be different tomorrow, but as of now, I feel about 75% better with the exception of my shoulders and neck. I plan on talking to my doctor about this as I believe there may be a pinched nerve in my right shoulder causing all the pain. Sure you can dull the pain and that may be what has to happen, but with different meds possibly.
I actually have energy and tolerance to help my kids. I needed to rest, which I did not have a chance to do. My goal is to stop the ativan entirely. I did not take it for a week to prove to myself that I wasn't addicted to it before I went cold turkey. I haven't stopped since but will do so again. It seems to not do much anyway. I've been down the benzo road before, I don't want to do that again. That was much harder to recover from than anything I've ever stopped before.(Lorcet) My situation really stunk, my doctor left and no-one is in this town to pick up the pieces. So I have to drive almost 2 hours away to get to a reputable doctor. I do have a serious problem and could have an aneurysm because of the high spinal fluid pressure. It's very possible. I take Diamox to reduce the fluid and have had 3 spinal taps as well. I'm a mess at the age of 37, but I have to take care of my family. It all boils down to that.
We all go down this road in life, tear ourselves up in a job that offers little reward other than a paycheck. Our bodies suffer the aftermath. Then we replace joints, come down with syndromes and have bouts of pain we cannot handle without medical help or herbal remedies, in some cases.
Without you all, I would not have gotten this far. I want to thank you, my friends. The road is still traveled, but seems more bearable with people to talk too.
I actually have energy and tolerance to help my kids. I needed to rest, which I did not have a chance to do. My goal is to stop the ativan entirely. I did not take it for a week to prove to myself that I wasn't addicted to it before I went cold turkey. I haven't stopped since but will do so again. It seems to not do much anyway. I've been down the benzo road before, I don't want to do that again. That was much harder to recover from than anything I've ever stopped before.(Lorcet) My situation really stunk, my doctor left and no-one is in this town to pick up the pieces. So I have to drive almost 2 hours away to get to a reputable doctor. I do have a serious problem and could have an aneurysm because of the high spinal fluid pressure. It's very possible. I take Diamox to reduce the fluid and have had 3 spinal taps as well. I'm a mess at the age of 37, but I have to take care of my family. It all boils down to that.
We all go down this road in life, tear ourselves up in a job that offers little reward other than a paycheck. Our bodies suffer the aftermath. Then we replace joints, come down with syndromes and have bouts of pain we cannot handle without medical help or herbal remedies, in some cases.
Without you all, I would not have gotten this far. I want to thank you, my friends. The road is still traveled, but seems more bearable with people to talk too.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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The will to take charge and move forward despite our challenges is a powerful one. I look to others like yourself for examples for myself, Malcolm.
Hang in there. You've had no easy go of this life so far, so I wish for an easier time of it as you go forth with a new doc. That drive sucks, but maybe it is worth doing once or twice a month.
FT
Hang in there. You've had no easy go of this life so far, so I wish for an easier time of it as you go forth with a new doc. That drive sucks, but maybe it is worth doing once or twice a month.
FT
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As a chronic pain sufferer myself I can recommend the best thing to do in response to any pain is always seek professional advice.
They have the expertise, your clinical history etc etc
Of course here, by our rules, we can neither ask for or give medical advice.
D
D
They have the expertise, your clinical history etc etc
Of course here, by our rules, we can neither ask for or give medical advice.
D
D
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by MalcolmBliss 
Hi all.
I have been off the opiates for 5 days now, 6 at 3pm this evening. My shoulders and neck have been on fire the last 2 or so days. I really tore them up weightlifting and well, work did the rest. It is so hard to want to eat anything. This whole time, I have been working and taking care of my 2 boys after work. Sometimes I'd come home and lay down and just let them run around like madmen. I didn't really care, my days have been so tiring. Now my wife has to work this weekend so I'm taking care of both of them alone and my daughter is here too. I never knew how badly I hurt myself on a daily basis at work or is it just something to be expected through this type of withdrawal? Every morning, I awake in a panic state. It's horrible. Much harder than I thought it would be. I think that even though I took those pills as directed, it took away a lot more than just the migraine pain it was prescribed for. Well, I'm just saying hello, trying to keep myself from going insane.
I have been off the opiates for 5 days now, 6 at 3pm this evening. My shoulders and neck have been on fire the last 2 or so days. I really tore them up weightlifting and well, work did the rest. It is so hard to want to eat anything. This whole time, I have been working and taking care of my 2 boys after work. Sometimes I'd come home and lay down and just let them run around like madmen. I didn't really care, my days have been so tiring. Now my wife has to work this weekend so I'm taking care of both of them alone and my daughter is here too. I never knew how badly I hurt myself on a daily basis at work or is it just something to be expected through this type of withdrawal? Every morning, I awake in a panic state. It's horrible. Much harder than I thought it would be. I think that even though I took those pills as directed, it took away a lot more than just the migraine pain it was prescribed for. Well, I'm just saying hello, trying to keep myself from going insane.
There is even this new machine where they lock you in a room for 30 minutes once a week and it's a massage chair and their bombard you with intense sounds and images all over the wall and the music/sound effects sound like they are bouncing from everywhere, it has a profound affect on most patients, including me. I come out of there completely snowed (as in-- zero pain, wondering how my little trip into outter space could kill what was crippling pain just an hour before. If you want info, PM me. I think it's called the Harmonious Machine... I don't know but only 3 doctors in america have one, but a lot more are getting it and it's been successful in Europe for some time... They usually have the leg up on us because the FDA holds things up over here. I'll get you the name of the system if you want it like I said.
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This morning I feel a bit better. Stress makes this whole recovery 10x worse. My daughter being here from her mom's adds to that. She's quite spoiled and her mother is not a very good mom to her. She ""gives in" a lot to the whining of "I wan, I wan, I want. I however do not and so she pouts, hides or will not play with her brothers at all. She's almost 12! I figured she'd grown up a little more than that but I guess I was wrong. Anyway, it really tries my patience, in times when I don't have a lot at all.
I have a feeling this will go on longer than I expected which I should have known already but denied to myself about the withdrawal process. I do, however need to find a solution to the headaches and I need it pretty soon. My next round of shots is coming up soon and I'm feeling the anesthetic property of the botox wearing off.
I want to say that every morning I'll feel a little better, but I don't. Mostly because I have never, ever been a morning person and I seriously hate them. You can change that in a person, it's just the way I am. So when I go to bed, I KNOW I will wake up crabby and hurting. I did this even when I had opiates to help with the pain and even when I was a child. I have had some sleepless nights. Some have been good and I have awoke refreshed, but they are few and faaaaaaaaaaar between.
Thank you all for all of your help. I appreciate all of your suggestions, tips and prayers. In the end, I don't see this getting better anytime soon without the surgery that was talked about to clamp off the fluid production inside my skull.
Kindest Regards,
Malcolm
I have a feeling this will go on longer than I expected which I should have known already but denied to myself about the withdrawal process. I do, however need to find a solution to the headaches and I need it pretty soon. My next round of shots is coming up soon and I'm feeling the anesthetic property of the botox wearing off.
I want to say that every morning I'll feel a little better, but I don't. Mostly because I have never, ever been a morning person and I seriously hate them. You can change that in a person, it's just the way I am. So when I go to bed, I KNOW I will wake up crabby and hurting. I did this even when I had opiates to help with the pain and even when I was a child. I have had some sleepless nights. Some have been good and I have awoke refreshed, but they are few and faaaaaaaaaaar between.
Thank you all for all of your help. I appreciate all of your suggestions, tips and prayers. In the end, I don't see this getting better anytime soon without the surgery that was talked about to clamp off the fluid production inside my skull.
Kindest Regards,
Malcolm
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Hi Malcolm,
I repeat. You are amazing. You are a hard working and functional guy because YOU decided to be that. Your efforts towards controlling this situation without opiates are admirable to say the least.
I hope you get to the new neurologist soon. Maybe just a fresh perspective will be something. If the botox helped, go for it, push for it, and a neurologist is the right place to be. It would seem that you would qualify for some kind of disability insurance to defray the cost, if you are out of pocket at all.
If it were me, I would carry around a full set of my medical records at all times. That way, if you have to see someone who has never met you, like an ER doc or urgent care place, you can support your need for urgent care without having to explain yourself all over again every time. Especially since the neuro guy is so far away. Maybe have the neuro guy prescribe a medical alert bracelet for you that carries your diagnosis and medication information. I just hate to think of you in an ER with a bad headache and trying to remember every aspect of your history they need to know.
You sound like you are describing a shunt in your last paragraph, and I don't blame you for being reluctant. You sound like the kind of guy who has read a lot of the medical literature about migraines, so I am not even going to try to educate you myself when you probably know a lot more than I do. (I was wondering if your dx is pseudotumor, cribiform plate leakage, or?)
Keep up your strong stance. Your daughter may be difficult, but you are probably the strongest person in her life, and she will test you to the limit. Especially at 12, which might as well be 15 or 16 where girls are concerned.
I'll keep my positive energy flowing your way.
FT
I repeat. You are amazing. You are a hard working and functional guy because YOU decided to be that. Your efforts towards controlling this situation without opiates are admirable to say the least.
I hope you get to the new neurologist soon. Maybe just a fresh perspective will be something. If the botox helped, go for it, push for it, and a neurologist is the right place to be. It would seem that you would qualify for some kind of disability insurance to defray the cost, if you are out of pocket at all.
If it were me, I would carry around a full set of my medical records at all times. That way, if you have to see someone who has never met you, like an ER doc or urgent care place, you can support your need for urgent care without having to explain yourself all over again every time. Especially since the neuro guy is so far away. Maybe have the neuro guy prescribe a medical alert bracelet for you that carries your diagnosis and medication information. I just hate to think of you in an ER with a bad headache and trying to remember every aspect of your history they need to know.
You sound like you are describing a shunt in your last paragraph, and I don't blame you for being reluctant. You sound like the kind of guy who has read a lot of the medical literature about migraines, so I am not even going to try to educate you myself when you probably know a lot more than I do. (I was wondering if your dx is pseudotumor, cribiform plate leakage, or?)
Keep up your strong stance. Your daughter may be difficult, but you are probably the strongest person in her life, and she will test you to the limit. Especially at 12, which might as well be 15 or 16 where girls are concerned.
I'll keep my positive energy flowing your way.
FT
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The physical stuff is one thing, I just remember having to relearn the parenting thing and the marriage stuff. Wow. Truthfully, that has been 10x more difficult than the physical stuff.
I may have popped my head out in the back yard a time or two to let out a loud yell. I'm sure the neighbors love that.
I hope you can find a physician who can treat your condition with appropriate care. I found that a lot of my physical pain just didn't matter as much when I got on with the business of living. It took some time though and I still have days where I mix the physical pain with the mental stuff and take a mental health day. Baking cookies with the kids or walking on the beach doing nothing but cracking jokes instead of folding laundry or cleaning bathrooms (I'm a stay at home Mom) can be very cathartic.
I may have popped my head out in the back yard a time or two to let out a loud yell. I'm sure the neighbors love that.
I hope you can find a physician who can treat your condition with appropriate care. I found that a lot of my physical pain just didn't matter as much when I got on with the business of living. It took some time though and I still have days where I mix the physical pain with the mental stuff and take a mental health day. Baking cookies with the kids or walking on the beach doing nothing but cracking jokes instead of folding laundry or cleaning bathrooms (I'm a stay at home Mom) can be very cathartic.
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I'd like to share a personal battle I've carried with me for almost 14 years.
My very best friend died of a heroin overdose. 14 years ago. It's still as painful today as it was the day I got the call. When I was in my 20's, i forced him to live in my home with me and told him I'd help him get off this stuff because he wanted to but needed the support of another person to do it.
For a month or so, he battled the demons and depression of his mother dying when he was young. Using heroin to mask that pain. His brothers and sister abandoned helping him because of his lifestyle. (playing in bands with people like me and choosing that over school) His father developed dementia. It became harder for him to have a family. So I became his brother. He got clean in my home, got a job at a grocery store and was doing great. We continued to play music together until differences arose and he decided to try to live alone. He kept his job for years after he moved out, I think about 2 or 3. I had to move on, musically because a better opportunity came about and it was one where I was the only musician needed to complete the project even though I tried to get the band members to try him out for a part that was already filled. There were no hard feelings, but in the back of my mind I knew this would not turn out to be a good thing. I got the call on a February morning that he was found dead at his fathers home. You cannot imagine how devastated I felt because he was my brother. I called that band I was a part of and quit. After that, it became hard to want to play music again.
I feel as though it was my responsibility to watch over him and I failed. My friend, who I swore to watch over is gone and it cuts to the bone to know that I could have done things differently to keep him alive. When I spoke to his dad, I'm not really sure he was certain what exactly happened. He shot up to sleep, permanently because he hadn't done it in almost 3 years.
So you see, I carry that pain around with me. My friend was so talented and had such a warm, caring personality. He never did anyone wrong but couldn't bear the pain of so many things in life that happened to him so closely together. I pray that he has found peace with his mother and can only hope he remembers how hard I tried to save his life from destruction.
I know many of you have your own stories about tragedies, but when you lose your only best friend, your brother, you feel lost and alone. I never got over it. I believe it's best for me to seek counseling and work through this or I'll never be at peace. I break down and weep about it at least once a day. It's tearing me up.
I know I need to move forward. Have any of you lost someone that way? How do you deal with it? I'm asking for advice on this because it's sapping my soul.
My very best friend died of a heroin overdose. 14 years ago. It's still as painful today as it was the day I got the call. When I was in my 20's, i forced him to live in my home with me and told him I'd help him get off this stuff because he wanted to but needed the support of another person to do it.
For a month or so, he battled the demons and depression of his mother dying when he was young. Using heroin to mask that pain. His brothers and sister abandoned helping him because of his lifestyle. (playing in bands with people like me and choosing that over school) His father developed dementia. It became harder for him to have a family. So I became his brother. He got clean in my home, got a job at a grocery store and was doing great. We continued to play music together until differences arose and he decided to try to live alone. He kept his job for years after he moved out, I think about 2 or 3. I had to move on, musically because a better opportunity came about and it was one where I was the only musician needed to complete the project even though I tried to get the band members to try him out for a part that was already filled. There were no hard feelings, but in the back of my mind I knew this would not turn out to be a good thing. I got the call on a February morning that he was found dead at his fathers home. You cannot imagine how devastated I felt because he was my brother. I called that band I was a part of and quit. After that, it became hard to want to play music again.
I feel as though it was my responsibility to watch over him and I failed. My friend, who I swore to watch over is gone and it cuts to the bone to know that I could have done things differently to keep him alive. When I spoke to his dad, I'm not really sure he was certain what exactly happened. He shot up to sleep, permanently because he hadn't done it in almost 3 years.
So you see, I carry that pain around with me. My friend was so talented and had such a warm, caring personality. He never did anyone wrong but couldn't bear the pain of so many things in life that happened to him so closely together. I pray that he has found peace with his mother and can only hope he remembers how hard I tried to save his life from destruction.
I know many of you have your own stories about tragedies, but when you lose your only best friend, your brother, you feel lost and alone. I never got over it. I believe it's best for me to seek counseling and work through this or I'll never be at peace. I break down and weep about it at least once a day. It's tearing me up.
I know I need to move forward. Have any of you lost someone that way? How do you deal with it? I'm asking for advice on this because it's sapping my soul.
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Malcolm,
In the fabric of the universe that we refer to as "time", we all have our place. There is a time to be born, a time to sow, a time to reap, a time to die. I don't know how much influence we have over the timing of it, if we have any at all.
It sounds to me like you were one of the only shining lights in your friend/brother's life, and he was blessed to have you. You tried to save him, but really the only person capable of saving him was himself. You had nothing to do with his death. You reached out, and he didn't take the offering. The band thing was beyond your control.
In 2007, a friend and co-worker of mine died of an oxycontin/benzo overdose. Looking back, I should have seen it coming. She talked constantly of wanted to be pushed into a corner in a wheelchair, and just let her die. And yet, she had a 14 year old son she had plans for, to be with, as she was a single mom. I don't think she intended to die the night she had a bad argument with her son. I think she was at the end of her rope, and I know she often "rewarded" herself with extra pills on stressful days. She was virtually stoned at work for two days prior to her death. I chose instead to not say anything, not to ask her if I could help, what was wrong? I kicked myself for months after that, and my depression was a huge issue at the time.
You can't save everyone. I find myself sometimes even trying to do that here. You can't do it here, either.
You are a good man, Malcolm, and you were nothing but a good friend and brother. It is time to let go, because inside your head, you are still trying to "save" him by reliving the nightmare over and over, thinking of how things could be different.
Pick up your music again, and honor your friend's memory. Honor the friendship you had, and what you gave to that friendship, which was huge.
I hope you can find some peace. This sort of emotional pain is pure anguish.
FT
In the fabric of the universe that we refer to as "time", we all have our place. There is a time to be born, a time to sow, a time to reap, a time to die. I don't know how much influence we have over the timing of it, if we have any at all.
It sounds to me like you were one of the only shining lights in your friend/brother's life, and he was blessed to have you. You tried to save him, but really the only person capable of saving him was himself. You had nothing to do with his death. You reached out, and he didn't take the offering. The band thing was beyond your control.
In 2007, a friend and co-worker of mine died of an oxycontin/benzo overdose. Looking back, I should have seen it coming. She talked constantly of wanted to be pushed into a corner in a wheelchair, and just let her die. And yet, she had a 14 year old son she had plans for, to be with, as she was a single mom. I don't think she intended to die the night she had a bad argument with her son. I think she was at the end of her rope, and I know she often "rewarded" herself with extra pills on stressful days. She was virtually stoned at work for two days prior to her death. I chose instead to not say anything, not to ask her if I could help, what was wrong? I kicked myself for months after that, and my depression was a huge issue at the time.
You can't save everyone. I find myself sometimes even trying to do that here. You can't do it here, either.
You are a good man, Malcolm, and you were nothing but a good friend and brother. It is time to let go, because inside your head, you are still trying to "save" him by reliving the nightmare over and over, thinking of how things could be different.
Pick up your music again, and honor your friend's memory. Honor the friendship you had, and what you gave to that friendship, which was huge.
I hope you can find some peace. This sort of emotional pain is pure anguish.
FT
Insane Asylum Director
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hiding insanity in-sanity
Posts: 77
I just wish I could wash away all the years of hurt. It has not made me stronger because he was my best and only friend. You know how a bond like that can be. I can only hope that he sees me, knows how badly this hurts and forgives and we'll be friends again. I wish I could have made better choices in life, we all do. Life is a road with no easy drive. Right now, my "car" needs a lot of work to be solid. I'm sorry, I can't type anymore. Too upset.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Malcolm,
I hope what I said did not upset you. Losses in life seem too much to bear sometimes. Sometimes it is so painful, we get stuck inside the anguish, unable to find out way out. The anguish has the ability to consume and incapacitate you. Especially if you feel like you were the cause of it all.
Truly Malcolm, we do the best we can do with what our capabilities are at the time. If you feel like you made a mistake, then you did. I made a 20 minute mistake 10 years ago that caused me and my family to lose everything we owned. I won't discuss it at length here in the threads, but it consumed me to the place where I almost lost my mind. I'm not exaggerating. It took me several years to climb out of the depression and anguish over what I did, or what I thought I did, and what I could have done to prevent it. The loss is still affecting me and my family today, but there is nothing I can do about some wrong decisions I made ten years ago.
I can choose to let it ruin the rest of my life, or not. Malcolm, I hope you find something in your core to hang onto, grasp that little piece of hope and feed it. This anguish can pull you down for years, or not. Don't let it do that to you. I hear what you "did", and I don't hear a bad guy in that mix, at all.
We can talk on PM some more if you want.
FT
I hope what I said did not upset you. Losses in life seem too much to bear sometimes. Sometimes it is so painful, we get stuck inside the anguish, unable to find out way out. The anguish has the ability to consume and incapacitate you. Especially if you feel like you were the cause of it all.
Truly Malcolm, we do the best we can do with what our capabilities are at the time. If you feel like you made a mistake, then you did. I made a 20 minute mistake 10 years ago that caused me and my family to lose everything we owned. I won't discuss it at length here in the threads, but it consumed me to the place where I almost lost my mind. I'm not exaggerating. It took me several years to climb out of the depression and anguish over what I did, or what I thought I did, and what I could have done to prevent it. The loss is still affecting me and my family today, but there is nothing I can do about some wrong decisions I made ten years ago.
I can choose to let it ruin the rest of my life, or not. Malcolm, I hope you find something in your core to hang onto, grasp that little piece of hope and feed it. This anguish can pull you down for years, or not. Don't let it do that to you. I hear what you "did", and I don't hear a bad guy in that mix, at all.
We can talk on PM some more if you want.
FT
Insane Asylum Director
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hiding insanity in-sanity
Posts: 77
I'll be better when this is all over. Just for today, the guilt feels bad. I remember the good things about my friend, that's what hurts the most. 
I have had many discussions with my wife, she gets it, some. She never had a friend like that except for me. I need to focus on that now and stop this. All your support is so greatly appreciated. The coming week will surely be better.
I have had many discussions with my wife, she gets it, some. She never had a friend like that except for me. I need to focus on that now and stop this. All your support is so greatly appreciated. The coming week will surely be better.
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