I'd like to share a personal battle I've carried with me for almost 14 years.
My very best friend died of a heroin overdose. 14 years ago. It's still as painful today as it was the day I got the call. When I was in my 20's, i forced him to live in my home with me and told him I'd help him get off this stuff because he wanted to but needed the support of another person to do it.
For a month or so, he battled the demons and depression of his mother dying when he was young. Using heroin to mask that pain. His brothers and sister abandoned helping him because of his lifestyle. (playing in bands with people like me and choosing that over school) His father developed dementia. It became harder for him to have a family. So I became his brother. He got clean in my home, got a job at a grocery store and was doing great. We continued to play music together until differences arose and he decided to try to live alone. He kept his job for years after he moved out, I think about 2 or 3. I had to move on, musically because a better opportunity came about and it was one where I was the only musician needed to complete the project even though I tried to get the band members to try him out for a part that was already filled. There were no hard feelings, but in the back of my mind I knew this would not turn out to be a good thing. I got the call on a February morning that he was found dead at his fathers home. You cannot imagine how devastated I felt because he was my brother. I called that band I was a part of and quit. After that, it became hard to want to play music again.
I feel as though it was my responsibility to watch over him and I failed. My friend, who I swore to watch over is gone and it cuts to the bone to know that I could have done things differently to keep him alive. When I spoke to his dad, I'm not really sure he was certain what exactly happened. He shot up to sleep, permanently because he hadn't done it in almost 3 years.
So you see, I carry that pain around with me. My friend was so talented and had such a warm, caring personality. He never did anyone wrong but couldn't bear the pain of so many things in life that happened to him so closely together. I pray that he has found peace with his mother and can only hope he remembers how hard I tried to save his life from destruction.
I know many of you have your own stories about tragedies, but when you lose your only best friend, your brother, you feel lost and alone. I never got over it. I believe it's best for me to seek counseling and work through this or I'll never be at peace. I break down and weep about it at least once a day. It's tearing me up.
I know I need to move forward. Have any of you lost someone that way? How do you deal with it? I'm asking for advice on this because it's sapping my soul.