AlmaLibre

Aw, Dreamscape, you are so lovable and sweet. I think I might look into it and see how far I get. Heck, if I only make it to the parking lot, at least that's a start. I will do my best though. If only you lived in MD, we could go together.
Thank you so much.

SquareHead

Alma,

Dee & Dreamscape are so right. You won't be judged. There is really no way to shock anyone there. We've seen it all & nothing phases us. If your recovery depends on it, then don't hesitate & go.

karma35

i wish you soo much luck honey .. You are on the right track... Just checking in it was lovely to see your post bout the film etc but mostly it was uplifting to hear you turn that day right round ...it is like a fairground ride but dodgems not rollercoaster now heh... Sorry silly humor but i like it as a metaphor for my feelings during recovery... I just know it was the really lil things that simply made my days... Take care you.. Xx karma

AlmaLibre

Well, I'm down to 2 mgs. I went down this morning when I went to the Methadone clinic.
And, although I had a wonderful day yesterday (the best so far), I am feeling a little tired today and not in the mood to do anything. I am so thankful, though, that I don't have any physical withdrawals whatsoever and am sleeping great at night (with the help of Trazodone which was given to me for sleep). I just need to deal with the ups and downs that go with this whole process.
But all in all, I'm doing pretty good. I can honestly say, if I were offered heroin, or any other drug for that matter, I wouldn't even think of touching it. Which is saying a lot, since just last year I was battling my demons and staying clean was extremely difficult. But, thank God, I got through it. So, I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And every day, it seems to be getting brighter and closer.

Timebuster

I seriously recommend getting yourself into some program of recovery NA, AA, LifeRing, whatever. Sitting your butt down in a chair for an hour a few days a week in a room full of recovering addicts go's a long way towards long term recovery. Some program where you are gonna really learn first hand about this disease and how to live clean and sober. Don't underestimate this disease my friend. A lot of us for whom the disease eventually ended up much worse went through self-enforced clean periods. Again, not to rain on the parade, but I hope you heed what I'm and others trying to suggest to you.

Take it from someone who's tried it, and seen a lot of other people try it without a good longer term outcome.

Btw, welcome to the boards.

TB

Impurrfect

(((Alma))) - it sounds like you are doing GREAT! I do recommend finding some kind of f2f support...NA, counselor, etc.

I'm 49...coming up on 4 years clean, and though I wasn't an addict, all my adult years, I was in relationships with A's, and started turning to anything to numb the pain...ended up being an addict. So I'm single, childless, and living at home with my dad/stepmom because I put myself in such a horrible financial mess and lost my nursing career...thanks to wanting crack more than anything else.

I also have the "teeth problem"...JUST had half my front tooth break off, this week. Have yet to find a way to get it fixed, as no insurance, no $$, but I'm not letting it keep me down. I'm always a person who smiles, but I was convinced I'd never smile, normally, again. Guess what..I do. No one stares, one coworker said "you can barely even notice it...don't worry about it". I work in a fast-food restaurant, talk to people all day, smile and chat with them....that's who I am, and where recovery has gotten me.

You are going to have ups and downs. Not only are you now REALLY dealing with the death of your little brother (I'm so sorry), but that's just the way life is. Most of my coworkers are always going through something...not enough money to pay rent, no money for a car and having to beg for rides, sick kids, death of family members, etc. They're not A's, and they keep it real, for me, that this is life.

The best part of recovery, is when this stuff happens, I come to SR, I reach out to people I know who "get" me, and I don't use. I also have learned that there is a LOT to be grateful for, and even little things made me smile and feel good, like you are seeing. The more we look, the more we see. It's kinda like the rainbow after a storm.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

AlmaLibre

Thank you, Timebuster and everyone who has recommended that I go to meetings. I went to the LifeRing website but there aren't any meetings close to where I live. So, I checked NA meetings and saw one for tonight at 8:30 right up the street from me. I plan on going to that. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. But, I will do my best to go.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Thanks so much everyone. It has helped me so much being here on SR. I don't feel so alone.

AlmaLibre

Hello Amy. Congrats on your almost 4 years. You are where I want to be so bad. I really admire you for that.
The whole teeth thing has gotten me down. That is the first thing I plan on fixing when I can. But, as with everything else, I feel I've been given this problem for a reason. And will overcome it somehow. When I was on drugs, something inside of me kept telling me that one day I'd be able to draw on that experience to help others in the same predicament. I hope that's the case. I would really like to be a drug counselor. Maybe that's my calling. Who knows.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
And, BTW, your kitties and pup are adorable. I have a Chocolate Lab, who is my best friend, and a ferret. They have really helped me on my bad days. Just being around them puts a smile on my face.
Again, thank you Amy. You are a great inspiration for me.

Sasha4

I can't wait to find out how you got on at your meeting mate!!!

I hope you come back and tell us how it went.


xxxx

Timebuster

Hi Sasha4,

Whats your story, care to share?

TB

Marshgirl

I know what you are saying about the teeth. It must be a common theme among us. I am missing the back 3 teeth on the right side of my mouth...and I have insurance. It is just so darn expensive. My ex uses the univ of md dental school in downtown Baltimore. They are very cheap and all of the work is supervised by professors and dentists with years of experience. I took him when he had a huge abcess and there was every kind of person there. I agree with Timebuster about the meetings. People just reach out and support ou no matter what. I cried and cried at my first meetings. I know now I was mourning the loss of numbing my pain and afraid to handle life sober. I am also a OCD and anxiety ridden individual. I have a psych for addictions and a therapist for general anxiety help. Add NA meetings and SR, you have a great support system. AND I NEED IT!
Don't be afraid to reach out. Life sucks sometimes, but it has great moments that make it all worth living for. One day at a time baby, sometimes 5 minutes at a time. Congratulations and live it one day at a time.

Sasha4

Hi

I had an addiction to clonazepam (think you call it klonipin in the states). I have also struggled with binge drinking. Alcohol abuse runs through my family.
I quit the benzo's over three years ago. But they had a significant impact on my life, especially when I combined them with drink. I caused big problems with my family, relationship and then work.
I struggle everyday - but love sober recovery forum. I come here a lot for help and to help others. I love AA too, but don't often have the chance to attend as I have a baby girl.

Whats your story?

xx

AlmaLibre

Well I made it to the meeting last night. But as soon as I walked in I saw one of my old boyfriends there, so before he even saw me I bolted. I know I'm a wuss, but there was no way I could face him.
So, I searched for another meeting and found one today at noon, a little further away from my house, and went to it. I have to say, I was flipping out on my way to it. When I walked in I sat all the way in the back, praying not to be noticed. Well after a while it started getting full and a lady sat next to me. She was extremely nice. She's been clean for 20 years, which just blew me away. I felt more comfortable once we chatted. Then the meeting started. My God, I thought I had gone through a lot. After hearing their stories I was ashamed of myself for thinking I'd had it bad. Their stories truly broke my heart. And as it went on, I forgot all about being nervous or worried about anything. There was this warmth in the room, like I was home. I'm not sure how to explain it.
It was a GREAT experience. I can't believe I let nerves and whatever else keep me from going.
Anyway, when it was over I said bye to the lady, her name is Shirley, and she gave me a big hug, like we've known each other for years. On my way out, a few other people said Hi and welcomed me. A couple of them said I should get a sponsor, but I think I'm going to wait a little bit for that. I'm scared to commit to someone and then let them down for some reason. I know that's not how I should be thinking. I just want to make sure I can go through this whole process.
Well, you guys were 110% right. NA is amazing. Thank you so much.

Timebuster

I came to Sober Recovery over Six years ago. Opiates and alcohol was my demons. The first days of recovery was not easy. I felt alone and unique. I was desperate and had been unable to find a solution on my own. I been in a battle for my life. I had fought to maintain my habit and struggled to hold on to some semblance of normalcy. I began to desire change even when I knew that in the state of mine I was in It was impossible. I been to rehabs, jail for doctor shoping, loss of my house, car and family.

I felt that I just could not live this way anymore. At some point, I looked at myself and could not believe what I had become. An empty shell of my former self. I was heartsick and ashamed and I looked for a better way. On 4/04 I stumble on to this website Sober Recovery. I haven't look back. I surrender to this disease. I learn that am powerless and that my life had become unmanageable. I have been fortunate to have been blessed with the gift of recovery through practicing the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. Today I have HP of my understanding. I no longer have the obsession or the desire to use.

While our using experiences differ, our common denominator is that the process of recovery is the same for all of us. This is all the more remarkable because our drugs of choice are different, our backgrounds are different, our educational levels and work skills are different, but recovery remains the same.

I have met some wonderful people here. My gratitude goes out to all of you. I hope to be around a little longer. I need to be around people in recovery.

Thanks for letting me share.

TB

Timebuster

I clearly remember my first days going to meetings. I was so much in a fog I couldn’t remember not one name or a face. I couldn’t look anyone in there eyes. I wanted a cup a coffee so bad but I was so scared. I had the shakes so bad I couldn’t hold a cup of coffee in my hands without spilling half the cup on the floor. I was powerless holding that damn foam cup. Lol

One meeting turn to five and five turn to twenty. When some of the fog was lifted I started listening and watching other recovering addicts in the rooms. I wanted what they had. I almost had two months going to the meetings before I started working the 12 steps. When I read the 1st step I completely surrendered to the disease of addiction. I now have six and a half years under my belt.

I'm so happy for you, keep up the great work.

TB

Impurrfect

(((Alma))) - I'm SO glad you got to a meeting, and it was a good one. Back when I went (I went to AA, as there were more meetings available), I took a while to get a sponsor. They told me to find someone who "had what I wanted". I was still an RN, found a nurse who was a recovering alcoholic, but worked in the local treatment center, so she was very familiar with opiates (what I was abusing back then).

I wish I'd listened to her and the rest of the old-timers who told me to stay away from the guy I hooked up with. Just a couple weeks shy of 6 months, I was smoking crack...something I'd been terrified of. After going where THAT took me, I am now aware that my recovery is the most important thing in my life...not a man, not a job, not a substance. It's recovery, where I've finally found the most peace I've had in my life, in a long, long time. Doesn't mean there haven't been ROUGH times, but recovery, and my recovery friends have gotten me through everything. That....is priceless.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

AlmaLibre

Good morning Amy. I couldn't agree with you more about recovery being the most important thing in our lives.
I, too, had a similar thing happen to me with a guy. I had weened myself off Methadone the last time and was 2+ years clean when I met my last boyfriend. I didn't know he was using, and he kept it from me for a while. Although, I could tell he was on something, he kept saying it was pills or weed. Until, it finally came out that he was using heroin. After finding that out, I stayed clean for about a month until I caved in and started back up. I remember sitting in the living room of my apartment with it in my right hand and just crying because I knew what it meant to do it. Pure HELL all over again. And I cried the whole time I was snorting it. Then I found out he was lying about shooting up, I've always snorted it, but I ended up shooting it for the last 2 years we were together, something I swore I'd never do. What's crazy is I'm terrified of needles, so I always had someone do it for me while I looked away so I wouldn't have to see it.
Anyway, I know now that I can't find my own happiness, peace and love in others (it's not fair to the other person and it's not fair to us to have those expectations). And I definitely can't find it getting high. Which is ultimately what I was searching for. It has to come within us. And it is there, even though it may seem lost at times.
I'm so happy for you, Amy, that you have found peace in your life. It's such an amazing thing to have and so easily lost when we use.

Impurrfect

(((Alma))) - wow, we DO have a lot in common. I made a vow to myself that "I will never let another man or substance control my life". Sounds pretty cocky or simplistic, I don't know, but I think you'll get how I mean it. Spent too many years focused on one or the other, and I'd rather just focus on recovery

Hugs and prayers,

Amy