paperboy

With almost a month of no alcohol, and Oxycontin I've really had some time to sit back and reflect on my life, and the things that I've done. I'm having such a hard time forging myself.. I'm thinking of friends I've lost, time I've lost, money I've lost, my once in a lifetime job that I lost, things I've sold to get money etc...

I feel like scum. Is sobriety really worth it, when once you get your head straight, everything that once was comes flooding on you at once? I don't really have anyone to talk to about he way I feel.. Its eating me up inside. I feel like a complete and utter failure at life.. If I would have found Suboxone and this website about a year ago, my life would be sooooo different right now. I was slacking at work because if the pills and booze. I would wake up late, not complete projects in a timely manner etc.. Or I would need to be at a job site at 10AM, but I can't find any pills so I'm running around like a chicken with is head missing trying to find a few, so that I don't show up sick..

I haven't cried in years, but as I type this I'm in tears now.. I hate myself.. I don't even know where to start picking up the pieces..

I wish life came with a reset button, or at least a reboot button..

DavyDave

Paperboy, you just have to except the fact that you're human. Your using period was a mistake. We all make mistakes. Been there, done that. Etc, etc...

Even the most saintly person in the world has regrets. You aren't alone dude, you aren't alone.

Just be thankful that you decided to stop. You could have lost your life from it, like many of people...like my cousin.

emmer

what i did when I was in the exact situation as you was , I hit meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting........

Keep yourself soooooooo busy with recovery that you don't think about the shame (deal with that at a later date, when your ready.

northbelle

Boy can I relate...when I was in treatment ..IN JAIL....that is one thing we really worked on because we had all made such tragic mess' of our lives...so much hopelessness in there..
And the message we heard over and over was..."You are NOT your behaviors"...yeah we may have done a whole lot of really hurtful stuff....but those things we did...are not who we ARE...they were just symtoms of our addiction...
Alot of folks just fall down into that hole..."once a dopefiend...always a dope fiend".."why try anyway"...and they never get back up...they become what they hate most about themsleves..I have done it too...
Just know that you are so much more than all that cr#p....we don't HAVE to regret our past....its just part of your story today...turn the page and keep your chin up..YOU are not your behaviors..your debts...your failures...you are clean today!! Comeon now aren't you grateful for that??? To be saved from the fate that addiction has prepared for you...??? I sure am..
THanx for the thread...I can totally relate and have been right where you are at!! SOLDIER UP AND PRESS ON...I swear to god it gets so much better...
love north

serenityqueen

emmer

I agree Judy!

Lbad told me once, that doing something for someone else is a guaranteed cure for da blues and it really is! All the bad feelings, just F*cked right off

christin1225

Paperboy,

There is something that my Sub doctor told me that I try to remind myself when I feel like you are feeling now: "There is nothing so close to possession as addiction. It wasn't you, Christin, who was doing those things."

All the same, I beat myself up all the time. It's not a choice; I don't enjoy being miserable. It's just what it is.

I can't tell you how many times I have cried out to God and told him how very sorry I am for what I've done and, like you, have wished that things could be reset. Over the past several months, I have battled over and over the depressing self-condemnation that you are currently experiencing. I don't say this to discourage you. I say it because it's my experience.

I think that it's a part of the emotional rollercoaster that most addicts experience when getting clean of their DOC (I won't say after getting clean of opioids because I'm experiencing it while on Suboxone, an opioid. So, I believe that I will continue to experience this until I have been chemical free for some time). I apologize, Paperboy, I've lost track of whether or not you're on Sub.

As horrible as the feelings feel, if you are like me, they won't last forever. They will give you reprieves. Hopefully, you will grow stronger and stronger in your recovery to better handle them each time they come. I'm not implying that you won't handle them with sadness and tears. To a certain extent and sometimes to a large extent tears are necessary and beneficial. (I'm not sure when they get to the point of no longer being helpful. I'm still working on this aspect myself.)

All the advice that I've read so far, for you to surround yourself with support, is as good as advice gets. When all this finally settles down, my sponsor is sure to look like a prune from so many tears being sent her way. I am very ashamed of what I am (I'm having a difficult time accepting that I'm an addict). I think that if you can grasp what my Sub doc told me, you'll make better progress than I am making in forgiveness of self.

Maybe the following will help you a little:

Think of someone you love. Put inside that person the terrible compulsion to use that, as addicts, we know so well. Imagine that person having the same obsessive thought patterns that you had, the same anxiety and fear that you would experience when you were running around looking for pills. Now, if that person came to you and apologized for the wrong that they had committed against you, knowing what you know of what it's like to be addicted, how would you receive that person? Would you be able to restrain yourself from embracing that hurting person to let that loved one know how much you forgive him/her? I understand that not everyone will understand addiction and, therefore, may not treat us in such a manner. Certainly, we can't fault them. Who could begin to understand what addiction can do to a person unless that person has experienced it personally? If they are not addicts, they cannot understand. But, you are an addict. You can understand. Give to yourself the kind of forgiveness that you would give to a loved one who has been afflicted with the disease of addiction.

Paperboy, we all will have amends to make, some of us more than others. But, no matter the number of amends that we have to make, they are fewer than they would have been if we didn't stop using when we did. Therefore, although we will have tears to shed, thank God that we quit when we did and, therefore, we definitely have fewer of them.

I pray that you grow in peace.

<3 Christin

Angelic17

Paperboy, Don't beat yourself up. Every addict feels like they are the absolute worst person. The thing you have to keep in mind is that your brain was sick with a disease. You couldn't control the urge to use. You were addicted. The way your feeling is normal, and it will pass. The longer your clean, the better your life will get. You will get your credibility and your life back. This is why NA is so important. When you go in those rooms, and hear the stories of all the other addicts, and what they have done to get drugs. You will realize that your not so bad, and that other people understand you. Don't judge yourself. Only GOD is the judge of us all. I don't think it's right to judge people for their mistakes that were done through illness. Keep in mind that you were sick. End of story. Let it go, and move forward. Believe me, being clean is worth all the feelings that your feeling right now. You have been numb for so long, and now your feeling your oats. I am sending you a hug, :ghug3 I have been reading your posts, and your going to be alright, as long as you continue to do the next right thing. With opiates it is so easy to relapse in the first year. Keep your brain in check and stay strong.

paperboy

Thank you so much for the kind words


This is my first time quitting... So I don't really have a song and dance so to speak.. I currently have no urge what so ever to drink, or take oxys...

paperboy

OMG.. you made me cry again...lol.. Can you picture my 6-0 tall 240+ pound frame crying.. lol..

I pictured my daughter coming to me and saying "daddy I'm sorry" OMG, I would forgive her soooooooo fast!!

paperboy

to people that I've never let know that I had a problem?

Buzz Kilowatt

Paperboy,

You've got a lot going on right now. I know that it's very hard when you are suffering to understand the big picture and realize that the light at the end of the tunnel IS NOT the headlight of an approaching train. Try to step back and take a few deep breaths.

Every birth has two facets: pain and joy. You are in the process of regaining your life . . . or maybe even starting a new one, having learned some deep and painful lessons about yourself and the journey you are making. Don't abort the process . . . work through the pain, and the joy will come.

There are two levels for helping to understand what you are going through right now. The first is the physical and the second is spiritual.

On a physical level, cessation of opioids after chronic use is almost always associated with great discomfort and some degree of depression. Your brain chemistry is trying to adapt to a lesser amount of endorphins . . . the stuff that works directly on our pleasure centers. Given time and healthy habits, your brain will adjust to normal. But it does take time, and the amount of time varies with each individual and circumstances. Regular, aerobic exercise generates natural endorphins and helps most people a great deal.

It would be appropriate and helpful to seek out the counsel of an empathetic medical doctor or psychiatrist just to be on the safe side. If your body's functioning is subnormal (as might occur with liver and kidney reactions to the meds, anemia, etc.) it is a lot harder to get and stay clean. There is certainly a good chance that you are chemically depressed and anti-depressants may really help out. You might check out the Hamilton Rating Scale for Depression or the Zung Inventory to get a better sense of whether or not you are having symptoms. Of course, this inventory process is IN NO WAY a substitute for professional assistance. Look what trouble we get into when we medicate ourselves . . .

On a spiritual level, opioids stop spiritual growth and self-discovery in their tracks. We become addicts for more subtle reasons than we just like the feeling we get when we take the meds. It's an existential disease . . . .

Like the others have said, get out of yourself and go and help others, even in simple ways. Volunteer. No doubt there is a soup kitchen or someplace where you can see and help to reduce the suffering of others.

Form or join a men's group. Get a support team together.

Attend meetings regularly.

Embrace life.

Buzz

windysan

dealing with the guilt and shame gets easier

Angelic17

Paperboy, It's not the right time to make ammends. If you follow NA, that comes a long time after you have worked your recovery. I'm not sure what step it is I think its like 7 or 10. Read the steps and find out. The best thing you can do right now, is get through today. One day at a time. Don't look to far ahead, and don't look back. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not here yet. Today is a gift, and that's why they call it the present. Just get through today, you will feel differently and much better tomorrow. Look in the mirror and be proud, that you gave up that bad habit. We are all here to support you.

windysan

don't sweat all that crap right now. just keep clean.

christin1225

Without a doubt, Paperboy, these are the kind of tears that will help you to heal.

As far as making amends to anyone unaware of your addiction, I can relate. So far, no one affected by my using knows that I'm an addict. My father is one of the unaware.

I stole my father's pills and I lied to his cancer doctor in order to get a script for myself. Please understand that I feel compelled to tell you that I never took pills from my dad that he needed. I always was certain that I would quit before I would do such a horrible thing. Of course, I now believe that I would have done such a thing had I not quit. I'm both close enough to and far enough away from that terrible compulsion that I can make a rational judgment.

Part of my amends to him will be to continue going to his house faithfully every Tuesday night for a dinner and a game night. Afterwards, I clean his floors. These are things that, as a good daughter, I should do for my widowed father. However, they also are things that would be put on the back burner of life. Whenever things get busy or I don't feel well, I remind myself that it's part of my amends.

Although I'm only on the first step (finding two and three to be quite difficult), I don't think that we need to wait before we start doing good to those whom our using has affected. In fact, I think that it can be important to remind ourselves, as soon as possible, that we really are decent and loving people.

I think that it is best that some never know what our addiction compelled us to do and, therefore, our amends will be something done in secret (giving some donated time to work every week to repay our loss of productivity, contributing to a person's favorite charity if it would be in the person's best interest not to know, acts of unexplained kindness). These are all things that your sponsor should be able to help you to discern.

Tish28

Hello Paperboy,

I can totally relate to what you're feeling. My shame overwhelmed me when I was in rehab. My exhusband, sat down in front of the docter, nurse and my eldest son to describe all of the shameful things I had done prior to going to rehab. I can tell you I just crawled out of the office crying my heart out. It was so painful, and I can feel it now whilst typing to you. I hurt beyond belief and couldn't look anyone in the eye. What helped was compassion of the nurse and my 'inmates'. The nurse held me while I cried and cried. What I shall do today is write a long letter to my son and tell him that if I had known then, what I know today, things would have been vey different. That I love him and that I did my very best under the circumstances, and that from today I shall do all that I can to remedy the lost time. That's what it is - lost time-, today isn't lost and I can go forwards. You can too Sweetie. One step at a time. Get yourself better, go to meetings if you can, help others if you can, and get strong. I think that you have to be strong to make amends. I wasn't strong enough when I was in hospital, and I relapsed afterwards. I thought that no-one would ever forgive me, maybe they won't today. It doesn't matter, I shall still soldier on and make sure that I do my very best. I hope that forgiveness will come in time. I feel small, but with the help of others and the twelve steps, I will hopefully hold my head up high.
I wish this for you too. Let's work together.
Love you hun, take care,

Tish x

Tish28

I'm writing again - you're post really touches me.
I woke up this morning feeling like scum and a failure. I asked myself what I could do about it. My exhusband and my three eldest sons look at me with disgust.
If I don't DO something about this, then my youngest son will grow up and treat me the same way. Sobriety hurts, huh?
Writing is what I can do best. Talking doesn't seem to have done much, as they forget easily. If I write, it is down there in black and white, and you can pour out your innermost sentiments. Maybe that could work for you too.
I also thought that the 12 steps were easy peasy, but they're not. I'm back on step one,
and I'm not clean yet, as I still take subutex.
I'm lucky, I have a brand new life ahead of me, if I play it right. So do you. Sobriety is a
new way of life for you. That's exciting. I treasure every darn thing in this life, right down to the pillow in my bed. Let the tears out, there is peace after the storm, especially if you make amends to YOURSELF.
Right, I shall now go and sit down at my desk and write.
Have a peaceful day. PM if you want.

Tish xxx

Angelic17

How are you doing today paperboy? I have read your post, and all of the replys. Everyone seems to have good advice. One thing that I learned in Naranon, is to do something good for someone, without letting anyone know you did it. That's healthy for you. But, I did learn from many in NA, that in the very beginning of recovery, to work on your sobriety first, and to make yourself healthy and well. Once your there, you can then begin to make amends to the ones you have hurt. Easy does it, one step at a time. You have to crawl before you can walk. So, take it easy. Everything will be alright, as long as you don't get high.

electrickery

Oh wow you and christin just made ME cry too! beautifull sharing the both of you. Thank you. :ghug2