Advice please? How do I forgive myself?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 78
Wow what a difference a 12 hours makes..
Originally Posted by Angelic17 
How are you doing today paperboy? I have read your post, and all of the replys. Everyone seems to have good advice. One thing that I learned in Naranon, is to do something good for someone, without letting anyone know you did it. That's healthy for you. But, I did learn from many in NA, that in the very beginning of recovery, to work on your sobriety first, and to make yourself healthy and well. Once your there, you can then begin to make amends to the ones you have hurt. Easy does it, one step at a time. You have to crawl before you can walk. So, take it easy. Everything will be alright, as long as you don't get high.
I'm feeling a lot better today!! Thanks so much for all the kind words. This morning when I was walking out of my apartment I saw a neighbor whom I've never really spoke to struggling with moving a box, so I offered to help(i could see the shock in his eye) well once we got done we chatted for a minute, and he's real cool. I then find out his company is hiring, he took my resume and said he would give it to his boss..
Then my doctors office called to let me know that my Suboxone had arrived today, from the assistance program..
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Tish28
I'm writing again - you're post really touches me.
I woke up this morning feeling like scum and a failure. I asked myself what I could do about it. My exhusband and my three eldest sons look at me with disgust.
If I don't DO something about this, then my youngest son will grow up and treat me the same way. Sobriety hurts, huh?
Writing is what I can do best. Talking doesn't seem to have done much, as they forget easily. If I write, it is down there in black and white, and you can pour out your innermost sentiments. Maybe that could work for you too.
I also thought that the 12 steps were easy peasy, but they're not. I'm back on step one,
and I'm not clean yet, as I still take subutex.
I'm lucky, I have a brand new life ahead of me, if I play it right. So do you. Sobriety is a
new way of life for you. That's exciting. I treasure every darn thing in this life, right down to the pillow in my bed. Let the tears out, there is peace after the storm, especially if you make amends to YOURSELF.
Right, I shall now go and sit down at my desk and write.
Have a peaceful day. PM if you want.
Tish xxx
I woke up this morning feeling like scum and a failure. I asked myself what I could do about it. My exhusband and my three eldest sons look at me with disgust.
If I don't DO something about this, then my youngest son will grow up and treat me the same way. Sobriety hurts, huh?
Writing is what I can do best. Talking doesn't seem to have done much, as they forget easily. If I write, it is down there in black and white, and you can pour out your innermost sentiments. Maybe that could work for you too.
I also thought that the 12 steps were easy peasy, but they're not. I'm back on step one,
and I'm not clean yet, as I still take subutex.
I'm lucky, I have a brand new life ahead of me, if I play it right. So do you. Sobriety is a
new way of life for you. That's exciting. I treasure every darn thing in this life, right down to the pillow in my bed. Let the tears out, there is peace after the storm, especially if you make amends to YOURSELF.
Right, I shall now go and sit down at my desk and write.
Have a peaceful day. PM if you want.
Tish xxx
I'm not really religious or spiritual at all.. I wish at times that I believed in a higher power, or someone that I could release all my power too. I envy people that believe in GOD, because when all else fails I've noticed throughout my life, that faith has pulled a lot of people through the fire.
I'm going to just take it day by day.. The other day I asked my girlfriend had she noticed a change in my behavior(she thinks I only quit alcohol) and she replied "YES", I then asked if it was a positive or negative change, she said "positive". after I heard her say that I got this warm and fuzzy felling on the inside. Her simple words meant soooooo much to me..
Are you religious Tish?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Originally Posted by paperboy
I'm not really religious or spiritual at all.. I wish at times that I believed in a higher power, or someone that I could release all my power too. I envy people that believe in GOD, because when all else fails I've noticed throughout my life, that faith has pulled a lot of people through the fire.
I'm going to just take it day by day.. The other day I asked my girlfriend had she noticed a change in my behavior(she thinks I only quit alcohol) and she replied "YES", I then asked if it was a positive or negative change, she said "positive". after I heard her say that I got this warm and fuzzy felling on the inside. Her simple words meant soooooo much to me..
I'm going to just take it day by day.. The other day I asked my girlfriend had she noticed a change in my behavior(she thinks I only quit alcohol) and she replied "YES", I then asked if it was a positive or negative change, she said "positive". after I heard her say that I got this warm and fuzzy felling on the inside. Her simple words meant soooooo much to me..
I always believed in a God, but when I came to NA, I rebuffed any of their attempts at getting right with God. I still do, to a degree. I felt like they wanted me to get religion and I really just don't agree with most of the religions out there. So I decided to make NA my HP until I could come to better terms with God. Now, I am on much better terms and I didn't have to get religion. I don't have to go to church or anything like that. Since I've come to terms that I do not HAVE to go, I am actually going to go to a church function this weekend. Just for fun. Just to see what my Mom and Grandmother enjoy. They are Baptists. A far cry from the Pentecostal my Mom used to go to.
Just remember, you don't have to believe in a God. You don't have to get religion.
And most importantly, at this stage in recovery, don't worry about making amends. Some of the people you've hurt, will quickly forgive you on their own, once they see the changes that have come about. They know, deep in their hearts, it was the demon of addiction that drove you to do the things you did. YOU did them, yes, but you were driven by that demon. Some people won't forgive you no matter what. You cannot control that. You will simply have to go forward and hope someday they change their minds, but that is their problem to deal with. Some people will forgive you once you've asked for it, or it may take them a bit to think about it. But, again, we cannot control them. We cannot make them forgive us any more than we can change the things we've done.
I stole from my own mother. Pills and money. I lied to so many people. I stole from my ex's parents. I lied about working at his business so the two of us could get the money to get loaded together. I used and was used. I did so many horrible things. I neglected my children. I wasn't there for them when they needed me. I chose dope over them. My children have already forgiven me, but they did that of their own accord. I know I am not ready to go make amends. If I think about it, I want to crawl away and go get high.. Not good. So I keep working my program, praying, and having faith that we all will get through it.
Read some of the other threads too. There are so many people with years of recovery. Haven't touched a thing. They did it, so can we. We get our strength and hope from them.
I hope you feel better today! *HUGS*
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Paperboy)))
Sounds like you've gotten some pretty good advice already!
I remember feeling exactly like you, when I first got into recovery. I literally felt like the lowest scum of the earth.
Forgiveness of myself took a while. What worked for me, was to just start moving foward...doing what I could do with each day. I could stay clean. When someone asked me a question I could be honest. If I was going to be late, I could call my family and let them know (so they wouldn't wonder where I was). I could understand that I had put my family through he!! and accept that I wasn't going to be trusted, right away so I put up with the questions, the suspicions, etc. The more my actions showed recovery, the more my family trusted me.
There are some people and situations I can never make amends to. I do what has been suggested to you...random acts of kindness, volunteer or donate to an organization or charity that makes me think of that person, things like that. I didn't do all this for quite some time, though. This came later.
Today, do the best you can do today. I am still dealing with consequences of my past, and I have over 2 years clean. However, I live each day, knowing that any FUTURE consequences will only be good ones. I know longer do things that will cause bad consequences...that's something I started thinking about in early recovery and it's worked pretty well.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sounds like you've gotten some pretty good advice already!
I remember feeling exactly like you, when I first got into recovery. I literally felt like the lowest scum of the earth.
Forgiveness of myself took a while. What worked for me, was to just start moving foward...doing what I could do with each day. I could stay clean. When someone asked me a question I could be honest. If I was going to be late, I could call my family and let them know (so they wouldn't wonder where I was). I could understand that I had put my family through he!! and accept that I wasn't going to be trusted, right away so I put up with the questions, the suspicions, etc. The more my actions showed recovery, the more my family trusted me.
There are some people and situations I can never make amends to. I do what has been suggested to you...random acts of kindness, volunteer or donate to an organization or charity that makes me think of that person, things like that. I didn't do all this for quite some time, though. This came later.
Today, do the best you can do today. I am still dealing with consequences of my past, and I have over 2 years clean. However, I live each day, knowing that any FUTURE consequences will only be good ones. I know longer do things that will cause bad consequences...that's something I started thinking about in early recovery and it's worked pretty well.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Originally Posted by paperboy
Hey Angelic,
I'm feeling a lot better today!! Thanks so much for all the kind words. This morning when I was walking out of my apartment I saw a neighbor whom I've never really spoke to struggling with moving a box, so I offered to help(i could see the shock in his eye) well once we got done we chatted for a minute, and he's real cool. I then find out his company is hiring, he took my resume and said he would give it to his boss..
Then my doctors office called to let me know that my Suboxone had arrived today, from the assistance program..
I'm feeling a lot better today!! Thanks so much for all the kind words. This morning when I was walking out of my apartment I saw a neighbor whom I've never really spoke to struggling with moving a box, so I offered to help(i could see the shock in his eye) well once we got done we chatted for a minute, and he's real cool. I then find out his company is hiring, he took my resume and said he would give it to his boss..
Then my doctors office called to let me know that my Suboxone had arrived today, from the assistance program..
Hey Paperboy, I told you that you would feel better today, there are alot of ups and downs when you get cleaned up. Just get through today, and then tomorrow do the same. Keep looking for work, and look for work with the same enthusiasm as you looked for drugs. You will accomplish alot, and land a great job that way. Good luck with the suboxone. It saved me from addiction, but I didn't abuse it, or stay on it to long. I used half of the dosage that I was recommended, because it helped and I didn't need more. You listen to your doctor, and get well quick. Suboxone is an opiate, and it is addictive, so be careful, and only you can control what you put into your body. I wish you all of the best. I'm happy for you. :ghug3 Keep us posted, alot of good things will come your way now that your clean and sober.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Courville-sur-Eure. France.
Posts: 239
Hiya Hun ( I call everyone I love "hun")!
How are you doing today?
To answer your question, no I'm not religious. I have a hard time relating to man-made religion, it does so much damage in the world. What I do have is my private little world and someone who I call "Mister God". I'm not here to create a rumpus, I'm just telling you what works for me. He gives me trees in the park, tulips in the alleyway, and the smile on my little boys face. I don't go to church, as I went to a very strict Roman Catholic convent and got thrown out.
Like you, I go along with that. When I go to bed, i recall if I got that feeling during the day and hug the thought to myself as I go to sleep. And feel thankful to my "Mister God".
Have you been able to forgive yourself? I hope so, your girlfriend certainly sounds as if she has. Positive v. negative, positive rates much more. When you feel good, you do good. The opposite is true - I did that yesterday, and felt lousy when I went to bed. Feel good about yourself, and you only want to do more to feel that " fuzzy" feeling.
Wishing you many "fuzzy" feelings today, I send you a big hug,
Tish xxx
How are you doing today?
To answer your question, no I'm not religious. I have a hard time relating to man-made religion, it does so much damage in the world. What I do have is my private little world and someone who I call "Mister God". I'm not here to create a rumpus, I'm just telling you what works for me. He gives me trees in the park, tulips in the alleyway, and the smile on my little boys face. I don't go to church, as I went to a very strict Roman Catholic convent and got thrown out.
Like you,
I got this warm and fuzzy felling on the inside
Have you been able to forgive yourself? I hope so, your girlfriend certainly sounds as if she has. Positive v. negative, positive rates much more. When you feel good, you do good. The opposite is true - I did that yesterday, and felt lousy when I went to bed. Feel good about yourself, and you only want to do more to feel that " fuzzy" feeling.
Wishing you many "fuzzy" feelings today, I send you a big hug,
Tish xxx
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: canada
Posts: 167
Also, never call yourself a failure, you are clean now so you are not a failure, a failure is someone who totally says that they are done trying, and never ever stop using. Just wanting peoples forgiveness, forgiving yourself and stopping the drugs is not what II call failuree for sure, comming here for oponions asking for help is not failure, when you keep trying, that is not failure.Right now dont please anyone else except yourself.....
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