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What am I DOING?

Old 03-22-2009, 09:24 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Just a thought Girl, but have you ever checked out the Codependency thread over on the Newcomer's Daily Threads? I began reading it a while back and let me tell you it's helped me a lot! Sometimes we take on "roles" and we feel we have to be a certain person or a certain way in order to fulfill that. I think that's one of the reasons so many of us have a hard time asking for help or admitting we feel overwhelmed. Are you an only child? If not are you the oldest? I am and therefore I've been put in that "responsible and strong one" role. I feel it leaves me no room to fall apart...
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Old 03-22-2009, 09:26 PM
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I'm just a little unwell
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I'm an only child. And very often situations come up where I feel like, "If I don't do it, it just won't get done". That, to me, is a lose-lose situation.
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Old 03-22-2009, 09:33 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Yes it is a lose-lose. Mainly because that's when we lose ourselves! I'm working on this now too, so I won't even try to sound like I have all the answers! lol At times I've had to stop myself from doing and thought "If I don't do this what's the worse that can happen?" Most of the time the worst is that *somebody else* doesn't get their way, very seldom is it imperative that we do what is being asked of us!

I'm learning to say No and yes it's very hard. I have such a need to please others I often forget about myself. Not healthy! Let's think of it this way, what are we teaching our Kids if they see us pushing ourselves to the back burner all the time? They will eventually do the same thing to themselves and continue to repeat this pattern. We have to find a better way...
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Old 03-22-2009, 09:42 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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hey TSH,

I duuno whether you'll be drinking soon...it doesn't really matter...taking a drug and using it for something it's not intended to do, to get a buzz, is pretty much just a different boat on that same old sea ...and a pretty clear signal that things are not all happy in TSHville.

For what it's worth I don't think you're losing yr mind or anything, no more than any of us do when we turn to the dark side anyway.

So it's been 6 months (which is freaky enough - really?) What's changed for the better - and I don't mean for your kids or your husband, I mean for you?

If you can't think of much, you need to start focusing on yourself and what you want.

If you're anything like me, you're a giver...but what happens when the giving is no longer enough, or it's neverending?....even givers need to take.

I still feel a little guilty writing that sentence - it's hard to think of *me*, even harder to put myself ahead of others, but it's necessary, or I'll break...and probably go back to what I used to do to avoid stress....

so sometimes things don't get done, or they get done late. You don't die - trust me. I'm not being flippant either - it's a question of what's most important here.

You need to do some big thinking, TSH. What do you want, where do you want to be, what fills the 'hole' for you?

What are the reasons - beyond being there for others - that you want to be sober for?

I'm around to kick the can a little if you need. But the most immediate thing you need to do is flush those old pills....do it now, mate.

D
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Old 03-22-2009, 09:47 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Lots of good advice here, TSH....just want to add...Please keep in mind that at 'anniversaries' some people use it as a time to relapse. Could this be some of the problem?

Also, I know you bought a lot of books on alcoholism....get them out again. Reread.

I wish I could make you feel better. Working through this, is going to make you stronger. You've got it. Breathe.
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Old 03-23-2009, 12:45 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Just a final note...I see you have identified those aspects in your life that cry for change. Although these changes are not readily apparent, they never less beckon for your full attention. And it is attention to change you feel. Continue to feel...feel with the depth and attention of those things that trouble you. There you may bring all these energies to bear...and listen to your challenge, with a open mind nonjudgmental...but with reverence for this is your struggle...your gateway to healing...be weary with your healing...for it is your right way to freedom.
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Old 03-23-2009, 01:18 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I'm really glad that you reposted your original post. A lot of it had echoes of my experiences in it and I wanted to respond to each part individually. I am super tired right now so hopefully it will be at least a bit coherent. I am basically going to write about my experience because I actually am at about the exact same sobriety time as you as well. And it has not been easy. In fact lately, I have had some flare-ups in terms of cravings which have been sort of challenging. But I have gotten over those humps and while I am not ecstatically happy or even just plain happy, I feel like I am moving in the direction of being happy with myself. I now know that can't happen in a day (although my previous self, and hell my current one, would prefer that shortened timeline).

Originally Posted by TryingSoHard View Post
I am, for all practical purposes, back to all of my "old me" daily routines, except for hitting the gym 3 - 4 times a week (I need to start that back up, I just can't find the motivation). I take care of everyone who needs taking care of, I do everything that needs to be done, I go places that need to be gone to... you get the picture. Being back in these old routines is reminding me why I used to want to drink so much and what I wanted to escape.
I changed most of my routines after stopping drinking. I also was a caregiver-type (actually more just like did everything for everyone but not in a doting way) and have been in some places slowly and in others quickly severing those patterns of behavior. Now in retrospect I see how much stress my really social lifestyle had on me and while I knew the strain caregiving was giving me before, I now know that its effects run much deeper. Point is: I am in the process of a major overhaul of my life.

Originally Posted by TryingSoHard View Post
I'm the one everyone turns to. I'm The Strong One. I'm The Grown Up. I'm the Dependable One, the one who can Make it All Better. I know who to call, what to say, and where to go. I've been called SuperMom, SuperWoman, and been told that Martha Stewart's got nothin on me. On the outside, my life probably looks pretty darn perfect: I live in a big, pretty house in a nice neighborhood, we have 2 nice cars, 2 handsome, intelligent sons, 2 dogs, I don't have to work, and so on and so on and so on.
I feel like my life is pretty "perfect" too minus the fact that it absolutely is not. I understand the difficulty of feeling empty and unhappy when you have everything that everyone else seems to be telling you should make you happy. And I am like but f*ck this stuff doesn't make me happy what does?

Originally Posted by TryingSoHard View Post
On the inside I feel like no one understands. No one sees the REAL me or knows what my REAL life is like, and no one really cares about where *I* fit in to all of this business of taking care of everyone else. If I'm the one who fixes everyone else's problems, who is left to help me with mine?
I feel this way too. And I feel as I get more sober some of these patterns of my thinking are shifting so I am seeing things more openly and feeling more known. Perhaps, I am also allowing or will allow myself to be more known also. However, this is still a major daily struggle. But something that I have shifted out of my view for the moment is other people's cares. I think it is funny that the rhetoric of recovery talks about the selfish addict who moves into the generous recovered person. I am the opposite. I am all about me right now and I think that especially with a lot of women that is a good thing to learn how to be. I realized a few weeks ago though that I have been so focused on what everyone else wants my whole life that I have no idea what I want. This is a problem because I now feel like a shade of a human and empty.

Originally Posted by TryingSoHard View Post
So, I've started looking for any non-booze alternative I can find to give myself a little bit of numbess and escape. I've started taking some expired sleeping pills that I've had for a couple of years. To my surprise, I've found I get a pretty healthy buzz if I take 2 or 3. I don't know how many I took the other night but they caused me to act like I'd been drinking, and I even wound up blacking out. It hasn't stopped me.

So all I can say is, WHAT am I DOING?
In a way I think that everything you wrote in your post basically outlined all the things you need to work on in your recovery. Perhaps you have been white knuckling it through until now. But perhaps not. Because cravings and rough patches happen even when you are working on things; it is the nature of the beast. You aren't perfect. I am not perfect. For me this is a hard lesson to learn. I must say I really, really benefit from my therapist, especially during the rough patches and just during this whole process. Especially if you are someone who is taking care of others all the time it would be amazing if you had a carved out space that was just about dealing with you. Finding a therapist is a hassle and a half but it is so worth it. I wish I were less tired and this post could have been better thought out maybe I will try and add some stuff/rewrite in the AM.
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Old 03-23-2009, 04:19 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hello, TSH. Checking in.
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Old 03-23-2009, 04:53 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I don't know what to say, except that i hope you find a way through this tsh...:ghug3
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Old 03-23-2009, 06:02 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Hi TSH... I just signed on to SR again after being out of town for a couple days. *hugs* I am with you as you fight this battle... I am hoping for you that you find some peace soon, REAL peace, not the sort that comes from old pills or booze. It's out there.
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Old 03-24-2009, 11:57 AM
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I wrote a whole long thing but deleted it because this should be about you and not about what a mess I am, even though I am in a similar place as you, but at least you are sober. Please fight it with all you have. Please know I feel for you and am praying for you. Please hang in there. I don't even know what to say. I wish I could fix it for you.
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Old 03-24-2009, 01:57 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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so what's occurin' TSH?
drop in with an TSH update soon, hey?

Hugs
D
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