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Letting go emotionally.

Old 08-11-2006, 05:50 AM
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Question Letting go emotionally.

Ok - I'm still banging on about my job but it struck me that this is an issue that arises outside of work too, and it's one that makes a real difference to how I(we?) feel.

I'm questioning how or if I should let go of how I feel about a situation. I had a good chat with my office mate this morning about how hard to fight when it looks as though a large organisation is going to make a harmful mistake. The advice he gave me was sound and I'll follow it so that's not what I'm facing.

The thing is although I work in a different service to the one I had to fight last year, I still learned lots about how it feels to really not have needs met. I learned how important it is for faceless 'services' to have ears and for individuals to be heard. I learned that it hurt despite all the advantages of being a professional adult - my SENSE of understanding it from the position of a child raises BIG emotions for me.

The above could be anything where success isn't garaunteed, where effort could be wasted, where stakes are high, and the feeling of real NEED is present. I know with CBT there's caution in saying 'NEED' yet there are times when I think it can't be ignored. I want to say not everything can be written off by saying the world won't fall apart - I know that but I also know the stakes are still high and the costs are still human.

I found myself reading more research saying the same thing I've been saying and I felt near to tears, because I'll take it and present it but it may well still be ignored.

On the one hand when we were begging for services all I wanted was somebody in THEIR organisation to care, feel, understand, to take our part and not to just fall in line. I wanted there to be people that hadn't forgotten the costs are in terms of human distress, that failing will mean people hurt.

So I'm in another organisation and don't want to lose my feelings, on the other hand if I keep them I have to deal with this stuff emotionally too.

Do I let go of it emotionally? Or find some way to keep the emotions and deal with them?

Perhaps I should have titled this emotional frustration!!!
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Old 08-11-2006, 06:31 AM
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To make this clear Eq: you are upset about part of your organisation because they are not putting a human, kindly face onto their client base - and you are confused as to whether to speak up against the bad service that is in place, a bad service the same as what you experienced with D?

I am sorry, I just could not get the full clarity of the problem.
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Old 08-11-2006, 06:32 AM
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Originally Posted by equus
Do I let go of it emotionally? Or find some way to keep the emotions and deal with them?
Let's hang on to some emotion how can you have compassion without it?

I personally think the word "care" can't fully flower without emotion...
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Old 08-11-2006, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by equus
Do I let go of it emotionally? Or find some way to keep the emotions and deal with them?
So it would seem.....
your emotions, the experience, how you feel and why, this is so much a part of who you are. I, of course know nothing about you other than what I am able to assume by reading your words presented here on SR. You seem to be an incredibly intense person with a passion for all that matters, to you.

Please understand that I am (more or less) guessing, and furthermore, understand that I am ill-equipped to advise anyone of much, but still, I have an opinion and respect for you, so if I may....Keep your emotions, (don't block out the experience) as you do not want to let go of who you are. You may want to consider re-evaluating your reaction to them. Your emotions (in all their intensity) and your reaction(s) to them can become allies. But the emotions and the reaction need your ability to reason as a means of bridging the gap, or better yet, simply assisting with the collaboration.

If I am way off base, I apologize. But nevertheless, I wish you the best as this seems important.

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Old 08-11-2006, 06:41 AM
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One more thing

Equus....
Do you, in some sense, take whatever is going on personally?

I know for me, sometimes, if I am able to realize a situation is not about me, it may still smart, but it allows me to see it for what it is a little better.

In addition, even when things are about me, I try (not always successfully) to remember my options are limited to me. It just makes it a tad bit easier to accept things, not conform, just accept.
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Old 08-11-2006, 06:44 AM
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Thanks all - I'm going to digest first!!

Five - it's hard to explain, in one service I work in user involvment/participation part of that task is to look at the face to face interaction of frontline staff as they ARE the face of an organisation. I have buckets of research supporting that. I've also experienced it's failure in a totally seperate organisation.

What my organisation wants to do is to have a forum for kids - then leave it at that, 8 kids with vastly disrupted lives to represent 400. We have already tried that YEARS AGO and policy writers don't change stuff just cos kids ask, it doesn't work.
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Old 08-11-2006, 06:45 AM
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Normally, if my emotions are pulling hard, its normally because I some investment. The key for me again, yawn, I guess is to be rational. To see what is going on instead of blindly reacting. Pen and pad are great for this.
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Old 08-11-2006, 06:46 AM
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emotion is what makes life interesting! Its when it makes someone ill that there is a problem, I feel.
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Old 08-11-2006, 06:48 AM
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I can see how emotion can get tied up in that. And hell, why should it not? It depends maybe on how that is affecting you. I always have one eye on what I hope to 'grow into'. And big emotional investments just exhaust me now (something to do with years of drug and booze abuse).
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Old 08-11-2006, 06:58 AM
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Equus, I see you as a crusader and cheer you on. Just take good care of yourself as you go about it.
The world needs many more people like you!

I am afraid that I have simply accepted that in reality there is little justice and in business, little humanity. It doesn't surprise me anymore.
But I am not promoting that kind of complacency.
I have just settled for doing what I can for the "neighbor next door"

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Old 08-11-2006, 07:42 AM
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body ~ mind ~ spirit
 
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I saw a documentary on two people in who took on MacDonalds, they were emotionally charged, they believed in their cause and they made a difference by drawing attention to the issue. I loved the documentary, I loved that two people were gutsy enough and fully believed in their cause enough to commit, it was not an easy thing for them to do. They needed to feel strongly about their cause, very emotional. I loved it because I believe firmly that we are feeding our children crap foods and allowing marketing to persuade them - as adults we are supposed to look after our kids and make sure they know how to look after themselves. I don't take on multi-national companies, but I do try to eat right myself and encourage others to do the same - but these two people - wow!!

Strong feelings and beliefs are often the things that cause people to make a difference because it makes us not give up or give in. One person can make a difference. Why not feel strongly about this and keep on trying to correct what you see as a bad decision? Why not?

But I guess I can see the side of letting go of the emotion too ... tough one.

peace and love,
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Old 08-11-2006, 08:03 AM
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I suppose it is about staying healthy. I've been round this block before when I began work in 2001 and first learned that people weren't actually going to listen to 8 kids. I put my all into it, I backed there case with research and legislation and we won through some real changes. Then I paid for it, by 2003 I was emotionally exhausted, my work was always referenced always careful so it was me not what I produced athat all the flack got aimed at.

In November 2003 I was off work, exhausted, I really felt it was all my failure - totally burned out. Only I recovered, I got back on my feet and back to work. The debates have continued since then, I don't feel as low as I felt then, I've gotten at least a little more used to having my grammer publicly laughed at because the content isn't laughable - even if it is a single comma error!! (It still hurts though!).

But it isn't all about me - meeting people from other authorities that do my job, nearly all are in the same boat, some in the first flush of anger, some quitting, some disheartened and a few who've broken there way through into being allowed to work effectively. It isn't because of me.

I suppose what I'm asking myself is whether I've matured enough and toughened up enough to weather the storm. The stakes are raised on both sides, to exclude me and any evidence from the debate is a possiblity. This time though I'm not as excluded as I was socially at work - I don't mean I have many friends here but at least the awful gossip and character assacinations that existed 3 years ago have stopped. I think now when someone says I'm this or that, enough people have known me long enough to either not listen or argue back.

It's about debate, over years and months, to push changes so that people listen enough to be able to empathise with children taken from their family homes.
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Old 08-11-2006, 08:26 AM
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I do think that time is a telling factor and it really sounds like your credibility is built up well. You seem like a really strong person to me. I think I feel better about myself when I do what I really think is the right thing.

I have found it hard though when wading against the tide, it is really like I am a bad person sometimes when really I am not. And that has sometimes made me a bit bitter and possibly (I don't like to admit it) I retaliate a bit. These days I am trying to relax with my way of being zealous about things and logically argue without emotion. I also try not to hold it against someone when they don't see my point of view (just feel sorry for them - joking!!!). Might be a bit harder in your case when the stakes are high though. But I think I get further when I don't react to the negativity. I have just found ways of not taking it personally, I figure that it is usually the other persons issues. Pardon me, but how anal is it for someone to be picking at grammar instead of the serious issue that you were working on, I do think that there is more of a worry on their end than on yours.

Anyway Equus I am sure you will work out how much you can bear and do and strive to achieve for these children. Really nice to know that there is a lot of serious effort out there.

peace and love,
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Old 08-11-2006, 01:28 PM
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I have a friend who works as a social worker with children with Autism and Asperger's syndrome, among other DD conditions, and also with their families to try to find functional solutions for extremely troublsome cases. My friend cares, deeply, for these kids and their families. But working in part with government programs he's limited how much their organization can provide. Extremely frustrating for him, when what's clearly needed is unavailable due to bureaucratic nonsense and other gross disruptions/ failing in the system. The burn-out rate for people employed in social work is high, largely because people don't have the emotional stability necessary to manage. It's emotionally exhausting. My friend daily struggles with achieving balance. He's about the most well-balanced person I've ever met and he's challenged, sometimes to the point of upset, much like what you're expressing Equus.

It's remarkable there are people who can handle such work at all. So much compassion and patience required. Self-awareness. Balance. One can care and not let it affect their emotional well-being, but it's a skill that I think few master. I'm impressed by all who do such work. I know I couldn't do it.
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Old 08-11-2006, 02:54 PM
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Just to be clear - I'm not a social worker, my job is to increase the amount kids in care have a say in decisions that effect their lives. Unfortunately I think my bosses think my job is to increase the amount kids in care APPEAR to have a say. Big government push and there's no wish to start at the begining - like explaining to social workers that it doesn't mean they have to agree with everything kids say but it does mean listening and encouraging them to speak up! Then there's the social workers who do listen but have managers that give no weight to what the kids want as the decisions are made so overule the worker.

There are plenty of good hearts but no clarity, no time, and no funds. 8 kids paraded at will keeps the star givers happy and after all they can always consult on leaflet designs again and again and again......
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Old 08-12-2006, 07:13 AM
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Picking up bits and pieces about your work I wasn't clear, good to see this overview.

I see, you're not a social worker, but socially invested. Which still resonates with my point about emotional investment, in which one genuinely cares about the well-being of others, sees injustice/ inequality/ misdirected energy and resources, and is limited in what they can do to change things for the better. It's emotionally exhausing to care. Good thing there are people who do care. More power to you.
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