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I need to leave my alcoholic husband

Old 09-06-2016, 07:42 PM
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I need to leave my alcoholic husband

I cannot do this any more. My husband has been hospitalized twice for drinking and has been told he will die if he doesn't stop and get he persists. We have a toddler and a newborn. I am so sad for my children. I don't have financial concerns as I have always been the breadwinner thank goodness but I will miss him so much. I love him and really wanted him to get better but I can't bear to stay and watch him be hospitalized again. I feel guilty because I said for better or worse and I meant it but this is just too much. I don't know how I can be expected to just watch him die and subject our children to that too. He is a nice guy even when drunk and a very good father. I just can't watch him die. I'm really lonely and need encouragement to somehow make a new life for myself and my children without this constant worry and watching him self destruct.
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Old 09-06-2016, 08:09 PM
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I am so sorry for what brought you here and your pain. I too have a newborn (well...6 months now and a toddler). I know how gut wrenching it is when kids are involved. When I first came to SR 5 months ago I was devastated by my husbands poor choices and inability to put his beautiful kids and myself first. I have learned so much from reading others stories on here and it was so comforting to know I was not alone. Your kids are so lucky to have you!! I've decided to move on and I am divorcing my husband. It's good to know you will be financially ok. As far as emotionally...rally a trusting team around you during this time...family, friends, a good therapist, Al-anon etc. Hugs from another mom that understands!!
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Old 09-06-2016, 08:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunshine1234 View Post
I am so sorry for what brought you here and your pain. I too have a newborn (well...6 months now and a toddler). I know how gut wrenching it is when kids are involved. When I first came to SR 5 months ago I was devastated by my husbands poor choices and inability to put his beautiful kids and myself first. I have learned so much from reading others stories on here and it was so comforting to know I was not alone. Your kids are so lucky to have you!! I've decided to move on and I am divorcing my husband. It's good to know you will be financially ok. As far as emotionally...rally a trusting team around you during this time...family, friends, a good therapist, Al-anon etc. Hugs from another mom that understands!!
Thank you. I'm sorry to hear of your situation as well. What are you doing about custody and visitation? I am okay with him having them sometimes if he isn't drinking. His parents take care of our older child quite often so that could be problematic. Our younger child is always with me due to breastfeeding. I have been thinking I need to leave him if he doesn't truly change for some time but now that I'm trying to work out the logistics it's rather mind-blowing. I have told him he needs to move out but I don't think he believes me because I've said it before and gone back on it. I don't want a long drawn out divorce and I don't want to hurt him. I really love him but I just need my sanity back. He is not good for anyone if he can't stop drinking. And apparently he can't. So now what, geez, it's so overwhelming.
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Old 09-07-2016, 04:28 AM
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Originally Posted by ericar View Post
Thank you. I'm sorry to hear of your situation as well. What are you doing about custody and visitation? I am okay with him having them sometimes if he isn't drinking. His parents take care of our older child quite often so that could be problematic. Our younger child is always with me due to breastfeeding. I have been thinking I need to leave him if he doesn't truly change for some time but now that I'm trying to work out the logistics it's rather mind-blowing. I have told him he needs to move out but I don't think he believes me because I've said it before and gone back on it. I don't want a long drawn out divorce and I don't want to hurt him. I really love him but I just need my sanity back. He is not good for anyone if he can't stop drinking. And apparently he can't. So now what, geez, it's so overwhelming.
When I left I immediately went a consulted with an attorney just to see what my options were. She advised that I ask him to submit to a hair follicle test (since you are dealing with alcohol maybe you can do a blood test or I have heard on here about something called sober link). So I asked him to submit to a hair test otherwise he could only see the kids supervised. 5 months later he has yet to submit to any drug test...so he sees the kids 3 days a week supervised. I also went "no contact" after a few months because his constant manipulation was relentless. He is blocked from my phone and can only communicate with me via email regarding the kids. Of course he emails me other hurtful things but I never engage. Also, I am never there when he comes to see the kids...instead my amazing parents take over as the "supervisors". I am also breastfeeding so if he does get any custody it won't be overnights with the youngest due to that. I am going for sole custody with random drug tests and supervised visits only. I know how you must be feeling now...its ALOT to swallow in the beginning....and as a new mom who is not sleeping much and dealing with all of the things a new baby brings AND a toddler...its very overwhelming. What helped me the most was to leave and get out of the situation. As they say on here more will be revealed. Has it ever! I'm finding out so much more. It's sad. But leaving was the best thing I ever did for my kids and I. I promise you it will get better and you and the kids will be ok. You deserve more and you deserve a present father for your kids. Big tight hugs!!!
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Old 09-08-2016, 05:50 AM
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ericar....If your own sanity is hanging in the balance (by your own words)....that is a serious thing to think about.....
You have two very young ones....overwhelming in the best of conditions....
Once children come into the picture, they become the priority....because they are helpless and need the caretakers for everything....
Believe me, if you are standing ringside, watching someone self destruct, you cannot give the children a whole mother...in fact, you can't even be a whole person for yourself!
Alcoholism may take him down....but, is there any value of taking three other people down, also...? Especially two innocent little ones.

Of course, it all feels overwhelming, when thinking of all you will have to do, at one time,
But, if you break it into smaller individual steps....it can be done, and you can do it!
Just get good advice and all the support that you can muster.....
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