Bolete - I understand what you are going through. Although my h is now sober, I'm still going through the same thing. I feel for you and I understand you.
I just spend an hour with our counselor who could not tell me enough it is not my problem. I am making it my problem, but I did not cause it. I contribute to it in different, unhealthy ways, but I did not create it or do I cause it.
Do you have a counselor or someone you can talk to, who has experience in this area? I have found speaking with a counselor who specializes in addiction to be most helpful, as he understands the mental and psychological aspects of the disease. Most times, he finishes my sentences so I truly know he understands what I mean, even if I'm having problems saying it.