DriGuy

Maybe it means you will drink again, but lets examine that thought. Relapse is always a possibility for everyone in recovery, so there is no 100% of it not happening. But we can sure put the odds heavily in our favor.

We can do that by getting rid of the struggle, which can be caused by some mental quirk or continual persistent cravings. Lets deal with the cravings first. I don't think you would have made it this far without the cravings diminishing somewhat, but they need to come down to near zero to be really comfortable in recovery. Embracing abstinence helped me do that, but when I first embraced it, it didn't seem like a sure thing to me either. Embracing abstinence just means understanding it's importance, and wanting to be alcohol free enough that you are willing to try. Just willing to give it an honest try. That quickly led to a point where I knew my drinking was history. Why? Because bottom line was that I simply didn't want to drink anymore.

When cravings approach near zero, you should be done right? Nope! Now we have to deal with the mental quirks, but at near zero cravings, you now operate on choice. Relapse is a choice, not an inevitable failure. It's a choice, and that means you now have control over whether to drink or not. You will become more confident of your control too, and you seem intelligent enough to recognize your AV, which is where all the mental quirks come from.

Another way to understand the concept of embracing is by comparing it to Rational Recovery's Big Plan: "I will never drink again, ever." Actually those are just words. Anyone can say them and not mean it. The big plan actually scares me a bit because it's too grandiose to take seriously without any context. I suppose that's why there's a whole book about it, that is to put the Big Plan in some context. But embracing abstinence is not so grandiose. It's more about committing yourself to the effort. It's just the first step in abstinence, understanding the importance and wanting to be free of alcohol to just honestly try. You can always change your mind and have your misery refunded because that is a choice. You can always choose either route. Being able to exercise choice is right around the corner, and that is how you are going to live the rest of your life.

Cityboy

The only way to quit is to put it down once and for all.

Moderation is a myth for an alcoholic.

Over40, every single of us here who has quit, has heard those same exact lies. And it's all lies. Will never have fun again. Too serious. Too boring. Not fun.

The truth. Done with looking on social media in the morning with dread to see what I put last night. Done with being embarrassed at what I said to friends or family. Done with not pursuing the person I want to be. Done with waiting to call people back until my hangover goes away. Done with those overwhelming feelings of anxiety, guilt, resentment, fear.

Without being drunk, sick, or in a chronically overwheled mental state, I am free to pursue a better life that would never have had a chance while still drinking.

Engaging the alcoholic voice is like trying to reason with a narcissist. Just go beat your head against a wall while you're at it.

Congratulations to all on sober time! It gets much better. Stick with it!

DriGuy

@overforty I was just remembering one of the reasons I was so unsure about promising abstinence to myself. It's so whack-o-doddle that it's almost embarrassing, but I'll post it because I'm past it now, and Jack Trimpey actually mentioned it in Rational Recovery. I was unable to accept my ultimate control over choice, because I harbored the irrational fear (and I even knew it was irrational) like some demon from an Exorcist movie would take control of my arm and force a drink down my throat. How do you promise you will never drink again with that staring you in the face? I suppose it could happen to someone with Turrette's Syndrome, but that's really stretching it.

The point is to take a look at some of the reasons you think will make you not want to stay sober. Don't latch onto some nuttso idea that will help sabotage the whole effort.

novips

For the alcoholic who has a physical allergy to alcohol that manifests as an overwhelming craving for more after taking a drink, the idea of approaching total abstinence little by little is like someone with a peanut allergy deciding they'll repeatedly risk death by eating smaller and smaller amounts of peanuts rather than overwhelming themselves by jumping directly to total abstinence.

To the extent total abstinence for good and for all is overwhelming, those of us who rely on Alcoholics Anonymous offer a day-at-a-time program.

VikingGF

I think I came to the full understanding of my need for total abstinence gradually, but it was accompanied by each failure at being sober for a length of time- each one of those pushed me a little higher up that proverbial mountain- until finally, it was summit or bust. But by the time I embraced "never again" there was no question that it was the only way, and yes, it was like someone flipped a switch and I have never looked back. So, while the journey wasn't all at once, that decision was truly immediate, and all or nothing. It wiped out any other option and freed my mind for allowing joy, contemplation and PEACE back into my life.

I am so grateful for this place, and thank-you for your post, DriGuy.

VikingGF

Part of working on sobriety is learning new behaviors and allowing ourselves to recognize what is real enjoyment- we had been fooling ourselves for so long with false enjoyment. Your birthday sounds perfect to me- no drama, no yelling, no unwanted behaviors or actions, no memory loss, no hangover. The laughter will come- I laugh more now, and more genuinely than I have in my whole life, and it takes TIME. In earlier recovery, the struggle can be significant, and you don't have a chance to feel true enjoyment- and that's something that will change, too, we have all been there at some point. All I can say is you are doing great, overforty, and keep on going. It will get better.

overforty

I feel like the struggle is present all the time - it's a different type of craving than it was when I first decided to quit.
I just went out for a walk in the sunshine and being surrounded by happy people enjoying their Easter Sunday with family and friends in restaurants and bars etc triggered me again.
I have to try and do something about the endless days spent on my own because this is not the ideal way to embrace abstinence it's just making me crave the numbing out even more.

overforty

Thankyou Cityboy
You're absolutely right - I'm sick of listening to it - It's a liar!

DriGuy

Thank you. That is so nice. And you are a SR success story with so much to offer.

overforty

Thankyou for that - I can't wait for the laughter to come because without it I don't like myself.
And I absolutely do not miss the drama!

fishkiller

The laughter Will come.

Gatherings and parties to me do seem more serious without being drunk. I still laugh. I still have fun. But I take the occasion seriously. The time spent with loved ones. Time spent away from the daily grind. The reason for the occasion. Someone's birthday or Christmas is a reason for celebration not a reason to feed the beast.
I am not stumbling around acting like an idiot. Laughing at myself and others acting foolish. Having others laugh At me. Would not trade that for all the drunken laughter in the world.

80 plus days is huge but it takes much longer to find our way in this new world.
You Will find laughter, happiness, peace. But it takes Work. Not drinking is the start.

Like driguy said abstinence in the here and now is the focus.
Stay the course and good things will come. But not without The Work.

I have to dig to see why I'm not laughing. Why I'm having a bad day.
Why I'm having a good day.
Being sober gives me the clarity to see through the surface and find what makes me tick. 3 years in and I'm still learning.
It's a journey not a destination.

Find what it is you need to enjoy the ride.
It ain't the poison I can tell you that.

biminiblue

...and it doesn't depend on other people.

Happiness (and sobriety) is an Inside Job.

No one can do it for me.

"God, help me to fully understand that my problems are all of my own making. Therefore, so are the solutions."

~quoted from...somewhere.

fishkiller

Worth repeating, over and over.

This realization has kicked my recovery into overdrive.

VikingGF

What appears clear from this thread is that yes, the decision is all at once, but the work goes on. Doing the work is made easier by removing the option of believing any relief could ever come from drinking.

D122y

Since we can't say thanks to posts anymore, which I totally get, I still love the therapy SR offers.

After working with a therapist for over a year, I found that the good advice I get here and elsewhere in the www works.

Obviously, advice to drink again is not taken, but advice/thoughts etc. about how to survive/thrive in sobriety is gobbled up.

I would talk with my therapist about good things I learned here/on the www and she would energetically say "yes."

I stay clean by any means.

Thanks.

Hodd

“At 83 days sober I haven't had time to build a sober life”

Hi Over40, sorry you’re struggling but well done on 83 days.

The “sober life” is the important phrase. You 100% need interests, activities and people to replace whatever you were doing when drinking. Just my example, I got into sports, and drinking was no longer compatible plus the new friends I made didn’t really drink. If I relapsed and started drinking heavily again, it would affect my new life too much. You do need to be actively thinking about a new activity(s) to replace the drinking.

Having a party during these early days will always be a challenge so I wouldn’t worry about that. As for walking around on a nice sunny day whilst others are wasting their lives and money slumped in a bar … what sounds the better option? I still have a WhatsApp group with my drinking friends (who I’ve known 25 years) and all they talk about is football or meeting to “go out on the lash”. That’s not a matter of being bored; that’s being boring. There’s a much better life waiting.

AAPJ

Well... for me it's just deciding not to drink today.

As novips said:

one day at a time.

Add to that fishkillers wise words:

80 plus days is huge but it takes much longer to find our way in this new world. You Will find laughter, happiness, peace.... It's a journey not a destination. Find what it is you need to enjoy the ride. It ain't the poison I can tell you that.

Delilah1

I completely agree! I tried to cut down in the past, and always found myself bartering with myself, that I’ll just have “one more glass,” or “there is only a little left in the bottle, I’ll just finish it up.”

I tried to get sober so many times, and seemed to always find myself back to my old habits. NYE of 2015 I decided that was it, no more. Although the idea of never drinking again seemed impossible at that time, now the thought of drinking again is terrifying. Every aspect of my life is better sober.

DriGuy

This post is right on in its entirety, but I'm responding to just this one part, which I misread the first time:

I read that the first time as "bar tending" with myself, which would also be a clever metaphor for the way we set ourselves up for another and another when we are in the throes of alcoholism.

MesaMan

.
My idea of moderation was something like 'cutting back' to drinking *only* 16% Sake. By the 1.5 Liter Bottle. While driving over to build this [early] Retirement House a few Decades ago. Or, I'd hit *only* sips off 3 - 1.75 Liter 'Handles' of Vodka hidden around our prior City House, and in my SUV. I'd descended down to swilling 105 Proof stuff for the extra kick, so sipping 80 Proof stuff was some warped version of 'cutting back'. A morning Tumbler of Red Wine while at the Dog Park. Fortunately, the reality of all that being total BS finally sank in. I realized only a hard core 'quit' was [for me] my sole way out. Being an Introvert, repeated group 'stuff' never was going to be my forte. So, the community of SR - accessible at any time - fit well.

As pointed out up-thread, assorted pre-conditions external to me would have ensured continued Drunkenness. I mentally added continued drinking into this lil 'Box' of things I just don't do. Kick my Dog. Cheat on my Wife of 46 Years. Steal Money from a Pal's Wallet while he's out of the Room. It was always my conviction that 'never drinking again' belonged compartmentalized into that same lil Mental Box.

Magician Harry Houdini used to pull off amazing stunts underwater while chained-up in Shackles by using only his Mind to slow his Heartrate. This bought him time to pick Locks he was unfamiliar with. Had I not used my Mind to enforce total Sobriety in all scenarios, I'm sure I would have caved. Also, I always wanted to be in places like Airports, or at Wedding Receptions, with my Sobriety enforced internally, and dependent on nothing else.

After time, Sober Behavior becomes a type of Muscle Memory, and flows along via some sort of Auto-Repeat. Absent some external force jamming open my Jaw, and pouring Booze down my Throat, I'm a self-contained Sober Machine. I can check this lesson off my imaginary List. It has been learned this Incarnation...