Stupid Plan
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 467
Stupid Plan
I'm 77 days into yet another go at sobriety which is nearly as long as I lasted in 2016 which was the last time I tried really hard to commit to never drinking again.
So this time I thought I would change my approach and aim for 90 days and see if I felt encouraged to continue to remain sober.
Over the past couple of days my AV has been screaming , the sunshine has decided to arrive here in the UK and there's an Easter Bank Holiday weekend approaching which includes my birthday on Saturday.
All of these things are big triggers for me and I'm fighting with myself about allowing myself to drink on Saturday - even though I'm not convinced of it yet it's almost like a ridiculously stupid plan, that a spontaneous moment of `Fxxk it` could happen and we all know where that leads!
Maybe another 7 years of dangerous drinking that might result in something much worse than isolation.
Isolation is the price that I've paid for my decades of drinking - I've pushed everyone away, lost several jobs, ruined relationships and do not have children as a result.
It's a no brainer that moderation isn't something I can do, and a drink on Saturday will lead to nothing changing and will almost definitely lead me to an early grave.
I'm trying to keep busy and have been out for a long walk in the sunshine - but it has made no difference I need to numb out.
This is so hard - I admire anyone that has found the strength to be present all the time!
I want to stay sober long enough to be able to find new relationships and reasons to remain sober if that makes any sense.
I'm an introvert and find being in groups difficult - so AA etc isn't an option for me.
Sorry for the ramble
So this time I thought I would change my approach and aim for 90 days and see if I felt encouraged to continue to remain sober.
Over the past couple of days my AV has been screaming , the sunshine has decided to arrive here in the UK and there's an Easter Bank Holiday weekend approaching which includes my birthday on Saturday.
All of these things are big triggers for me and I'm fighting with myself about allowing myself to drink on Saturday - even though I'm not convinced of it yet it's almost like a ridiculously stupid plan, that a spontaneous moment of `Fxxk it` could happen and we all know where that leads!
Maybe another 7 years of dangerous drinking that might result in something much worse than isolation.
Isolation is the price that I've paid for my decades of drinking - I've pushed everyone away, lost several jobs, ruined relationships and do not have children as a result.
It's a no brainer that moderation isn't something I can do, and a drink on Saturday will lead to nothing changing and will almost definitely lead me to an early grave.
I'm trying to keep busy and have been out for a long walk in the sunshine - but it has made no difference I need to numb out.
This is so hard - I admire anyone that has found the strength to be present all the time!
I want to stay sober long enough to be able to find new relationships and reasons to remain sober if that makes any sense.
I'm an introvert and find being in groups difficult - so AA etc isn't an option for me.
Sorry for the ramble
Member
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 279
You KNOW your AV is lying to you. It's very resourceful. Keep posting here please. Make different associations, habits, connections, retrain yourself. You can do it!
I'm a deep introvert too, 8 years sober without any program or meetings, but recently things got very tough with painful experiences and AV whispering in my ear, so I went to different 12-step meetings until I found one that works for me. I feel comfortable there and actually look forward to it. I have no real friends, and may not, but it's helping.
I'm a deep introvert too, 8 years sober without any program or meetings, but recently things got very tough with painful experiences and AV whispering in my ear, so I went to different 12-step meetings until I found one that works for me. I feel comfortable there and actually look forward to it. I have no real friends, and may not, but it's helping.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by overforty 
Maybe another 7 years of dangerous drinking
It sounds like you are very aware of what's at stake. You know that you can't moderate. Sunshine, birthdays and holidays won't change how you react once that first drink goes into your system. Happy Birthday by the way!
I am really using that possible 'years of dangerous drinking' as part of my plan. I'm just over 90 days but if I drank I know that there is no guarantee of when or if I will get back to staying sober. I don't want to destroy my health over trying to drink for a short period of time.
I feel like staying sober has to be its own reward. You may get those benefits you are looking for such as new relationships...or maybe not. You know that the chance will be greatly diminished if you go back to drinking. I hope you can stay on track and keep your 80 plus days going.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 279
I'm trying to keep busy and have been out for a long walk in the sunshine - but it has made no difference I need to numb out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 274
Maybe it's better to simply quit rather than abstinence for X number of days? It sounds like you know that drinking is killing you spiritually, and maybe physically as well.
The problem with an abstinence end date is that one is merely waiting and enduring for 90 or 120 days or whatever, rather than transitioning to a new way of living. Complete surrender, for me, was easier than the many "breaks" I took over the years.
Another observation: not drinking on your birthday will make you much stronger. If you can do that, then you'll know you can remain sober in the face of other events or circumstances that trigger you. Much of the struggle is the uncertainty, thinking that your will isn't strong enough.
Maybe you could talk to your doctor about Naltrexone? I took it during detox and three months of rehab and it seemed to reduce my cravings.
I don't go to AA meetings, either, but I did benefit a lot from the BIg Book. The stories contain a lot of insight. And I learned in rehab that no matter what approach we take to sobriety, we need to live step one every single day - "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable." Admitting we're powerfess makes us powerful, ironically.
The problem with an abstinence end date is that one is merely waiting and enduring for 90 or 120 days or whatever, rather than transitioning to a new way of living. Complete surrender, for me, was easier than the many "breaks" I took over the years.
Another observation: not drinking on your birthday will make you much stronger. If you can do that, then you'll know you can remain sober in the face of other events or circumstances that trigger you. Much of the struggle is the uncertainty, thinking that your will isn't strong enough.
Maybe you could talk to your doctor about Naltrexone? I took it during detox and three months of rehab and it seemed to reduce my cravings.
I don't go to AA meetings, either, but I did benefit a lot from the BIg Book. The stories contain a lot of insight. And I learned in rehab that no matter what approach we take to sobriety, we need to live step one every single day - "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable." Admitting we're powerfess makes us powerful, ironically.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
You are amazing Overforty (and clearly committed) - for posting BEFORE you drank again. Good job!
I can relate to your post - I get the weather aspect especially, and caved many times in nice weather or places - only to have to start over again, and keeping me stuck in the cycle for decades. I had a good career, but so many issues never got resolved, there were many failed relationships, and I also never had kids of my own.
If you just get through 6 months, the thoughts will diminish. So make it 6 months instead of 90 days. It is well known and documented that between months 2-5 we are at increased risk, due to heightened thoughts and feelings. These are JUST THOUGHTS - you do not need to act on them.
From the SAMHSA Roadmap to Recovery:
Protracted abstinence (2 to 5 months; follows early abstinence):
From six weeks to five months after clients stop using, they may experience a variety of annoying and troublesome symptoms. these symptoms - difficulties with thoughts and feelings - are caused by the continual healing process in the brain. This period is called 'The Wall'. It is important for clients to be aware that some of the feelings during this period are the result of changes in brain chemistry.
If clients remain abstinent, the feelings will pass. The most common symptoms are depression, irritability, difficulty concentrating, low energy and a general lack of enthusiasm. Clients also may experience strong cravings during protracted abstinence, and relapse risk goes up during this period. It is helpful to stay focused on staying abstinent one day at a time. Exercise helps tremendously during this period. For most clients, completing this phase in recovery is a major achievement.
I can relate to your post - I get the weather aspect especially, and caved many times in nice weather or places - only to have to start over again, and keeping me stuck in the cycle for decades. I had a good career, but so many issues never got resolved, there were many failed relationships, and I also never had kids of my own.
If you just get through 6 months, the thoughts will diminish. So make it 6 months instead of 90 days. It is well known and documented that between months 2-5 we are at increased risk, due to heightened thoughts and feelings. These are JUST THOUGHTS - you do not need to act on them.
From the SAMHSA Roadmap to Recovery:
Protracted abstinence (2 to 5 months; follows early abstinence):
From six weeks to five months after clients stop using, they may experience a variety of annoying and troublesome symptoms. these symptoms - difficulties with thoughts and feelings - are caused by the continual healing process in the brain. This period is called 'The Wall'. It is important for clients to be aware that some of the feelings during this period are the result of changes in brain chemistry.
If clients remain abstinent, the feelings will pass. The most common symptoms are depression, irritability, difficulty concentrating, low energy and a general lack of enthusiasm. Clients also may experience strong cravings during protracted abstinence, and relapse risk goes up during this period. It is helpful to stay focused on staying abstinent one day at a time. Exercise helps tremendously during this period. For most clients, completing this phase in recovery is a major achievement.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Just ride these feelings out for today. All you have to do is get through today. Tomorrow you may feel differently. You may not. Its okay. All that matters is right now.
The initial stages of getting sober are filled with these exact moments. Seeing yourself through this moment is really what this work is about. Once you make it to the other side of this mental struggle, you will have shown yourself and proven to yourself that you can make it through the next challenge.
You can do this. I believe in you.
The initial stages of getting sober are filled with these exact moments. Seeing yourself through this moment is really what this work is about. Once you make it to the other side of this mental struggle, you will have shown yourself and proven to yourself that you can make it through the next challenge.
You can do this. I believe in you.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,425
I have a couple of thoughts for you over40.
Congrats on 77 days.
I went to AA a couple of times in early sobriety while working out of town. I found a meeting online, no problem. I figured that it was either that, or get snot-faced at the hotel, same as always, and be back worse than before. It was actually a great experience for growth. There were a couple of shares from guys who had blown most of their lives, in and out of prison, addicted to drugs and alcohol, that I could say made a difference for me in that critical stage, and perhaps in my life as a whole. I found it to be a wonderful venue for thinking the matter through.
I've always been an introvert in the extreme. If I can go outside of my comfort zone and go to AA, or a bible class, or a function at the library, or whatever, there is no reason that you can't. Actually, since I've been sober, I find that my social skills have been improving to the point that I'm not as terrified at the thought of being in a crowd. It's actually fun now.
Anything is better than going back to drinking. You've already given a summary of the good drinking has done for you. Going outside of your comfort zone is a much more viable option than giving your life away to alcohol.
Don't engage the AV, rationalizing a special day of drinking and so forth. Instead, open your heart to bigger and better things. Engaging the AV is looking backwards. You must begin looking forward in a positive, productive way.
Congrats on 77 days.
I went to AA a couple of times in early sobriety while working out of town. I found a meeting online, no problem. I figured that it was either that, or get snot-faced at the hotel, same as always, and be back worse than before. It was actually a great experience for growth. There were a couple of shares from guys who had blown most of their lives, in and out of prison, addicted to drugs and alcohol, that I could say made a difference for me in that critical stage, and perhaps in my life as a whole. I found it to be a wonderful venue for thinking the matter through.
I've always been an introvert in the extreme. If I can go outside of my comfort zone and go to AA, or a bible class, or a function at the library, or whatever, there is no reason that you can't. Actually, since I've been sober, I find that my social skills have been improving to the point that I'm not as terrified at the thought of being in a crowd. It's actually fun now.
Anything is better than going back to drinking. You've already given a summary of the good drinking has done for you. Going outside of your comfort zone is a much more viable option than giving your life away to alcohol.
Don't engage the AV, rationalizing a special day of drinking and so forth. Instead, open your heart to bigger and better things. Engaging the AV is looking backwards. You must begin looking forward in a positive, productive way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 207
Congratulations on your 77 days!
I'm wondering if perhaps you can make a specific alternate plan for your birthday. Is there an iFly or similar special activity of interest near you--Zipline, maybe? Can you substitute a treat such as a gourmet ice cream shop instead of going to a place with alcohol? Maybe a road trip to someplace you've wanted to visit but haven't gotten to--a road trip that doesn't involve stopping at any pubs.
You DON'T need to numb out. That's your AV trying to trip you up.
I'm wondering if perhaps you can make a specific alternate plan for your birthday. Is there an iFly or similar special activity of interest near you--Zipline, maybe? Can you substitute a treat such as a gourmet ice cream shop instead of going to a place with alcohol? Maybe a road trip to someplace you've wanted to visit but haven't gotten to--a road trip that doesn't involve stopping at any pubs.
You DON'T need to numb out. That's your AV trying to trip you up.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
I'm not sure about the 90 day goal. The goal, is to never drink again, and the sooner you embrace that concept, the better. Ninety days is half a commitment, and recovery has to be "all in." Maybe it's different for others, but when I embraced total abstinence, it took the pressure off. It took drinking off the table so that mentally I wasn't sitting there gazing at a half finished bottle. I was off in a new direction, and it wasn't long before I could barely recognize that guy that was drunk every night. I knew it was me, because I could remember it clearly, but it was like looking at a stranger. And it becomes more so with every passing year.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Originally Posted by LilyLady1
You DON'T need to numb out. That's your AV trying to trip you up.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 279
Originally Posted by DriGuy
... when I embraced total abstinence, it took the pressure off. It took drinking off the table ...
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
"I want to stay sober long enough to...."
I'll come back to that, but I'd like to point out that you don't have to deal with tomorrow, next week or the next 90 days right now- you have to deal with the next minute. Commit to today- don't drink for today. Spend your time thinking about why you're doing any of this- if it's so difficult but you're still trying, drinking must be so much worse, right? Yes, of course right. Never forget how awful it is. Drinking or "numbing out" never makes anything better and always results in us feeling worse physically and mentally- and you are at 77 days (Congrats!!! That's great!!!!) so you have made some wonderful progress. And, I have to add, you've done it with the full intention of drinking again one day? Wow- that's a lot of will power. I don't know many people who can do this thing with willpower alone- it takes a full change of thought and a full change of behavior. Planning for moderation or whatever "after" you find something is not even logical. If, by some miracle you can focus enough to stay sober and find someone or something that you're looking for, which is I guess your end game, if you drink it will all be lost anyway. Maybe not that minute, but eventually. The only way out of the struggle you feel RIGHT NOW is to accept that you will never drink again- and then you take it one day at a time. So you don't have to think about forever, that's crazy daunting, but you do have to accept that drinking is not an option. Not now. Never right now. I know it's a word game/mind game but it works- and eventually, you will not think of drinking as relief from anything, because you will make it a non-option. Drinking is not for me. I do not drink, no matter what. I don't drink. Period. It shuts down the AV, it takes the option away and there goes the struggle.
You are at 77 days- still early on so yes, there will be some bumps, but you are really through the worst of it. Those first few weeks- I wouldn't wish them on anyone- so be proud of yourself and for your own sake- keep on going. It gets EASIER and better and have faith that this is true. You might be going through the very last struggle of this sort- just keep going and don't drink. Your reason for staying sober is you. If we are not sober, we are not living, we are existing, some of us just barely so.
You can do this. Wishing you a very happy and sober birthday- I'll be cheering you on.
I'll come back to that, but I'd like to point out that you don't have to deal with tomorrow, next week or the next 90 days right now- you have to deal with the next minute. Commit to today- don't drink for today. Spend your time thinking about why you're doing any of this- if it's so difficult but you're still trying, drinking must be so much worse, right? Yes, of course right. Never forget how awful it is. Drinking or "numbing out" never makes anything better and always results in us feeling worse physically and mentally- and you are at 77 days (Congrats!!! That's great!!!!) so you have made some wonderful progress. And, I have to add, you've done it with the full intention of drinking again one day? Wow- that's a lot of will power. I don't know many people who can do this thing with willpower alone- it takes a full change of thought and a full change of behavior. Planning for moderation or whatever "after" you find something is not even logical. If, by some miracle you can focus enough to stay sober and find someone or something that you're looking for, which is I guess your end game, if you drink it will all be lost anyway. Maybe not that minute, but eventually. The only way out of the struggle you feel RIGHT NOW is to accept that you will never drink again- and then you take it one day at a time. So you don't have to think about forever, that's crazy daunting, but you do have to accept that drinking is not an option. Not now. Never right now. I know it's a word game/mind game but it works- and eventually, you will not think of drinking as relief from anything, because you will make it a non-option. Drinking is not for me. I do not drink, no matter what. I don't drink. Period. It shuts down the AV, it takes the option away and there goes the struggle.
You are at 77 days- still early on so yes, there will be some bumps, but you are really through the worst of it. Those first few weeks- I wouldn't wish them on anyone- so be proud of yourself and for your own sake- keep on going. It gets EASIER and better and have faith that this is true. You might be going through the very last struggle of this sort- just keep going and don't drink. Your reason for staying sober is you. If we are not sober, we are not living, we are existing, some of us just barely so.
You can do this. Wishing you a very happy and sober birthday- I'll be cheering you on.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hey overforty 
I went from 'how am I going to live without ever drinking again', to 'all I have to do is not take that first drink'...
In the first utterance I was facing a mountain, in the second, it was an easy flat walk.
It took time - a devotion to not taking that first drink - no matter what.
Even when your AV is screaming at you, it can't do anything without your consent.
Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, it will eventually give up and go back to sleep.
I went from 'how am I going to live without ever drinking again', to 'all I have to do is not take that first drink'...
In the first utterance I was facing a mountain, in the second, it was an easy flat walk.
It took time - a devotion to not taking that first drink - no matter what.
Even when your AV is screaming at you, it can't do anything without your consent.
Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, it will eventually give up and go back to sleep.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,962
The recovery action need to put the drink away for good is hard. Working a program of recovery that digs deep into the all the causes that one to drink., is hard gritty work. Deep emotional cleansing work is wicked hard. Yes the, effort, dillence, and an unwavering commitment to do what it takes to get and stay sober, yep you guessed it, hard work.
The payoff for that hard stuff, well I'm finding out life is good and so is my mood. Being sober suites me. Healing has made me far more whole that being a wretched drunk I was. I have 7 months and an eager for more sobriety. We can do hard stuff and so can you
The payoff for that hard stuff, well I'm finding out life is good and so is my mood. Being sober suites me. Healing has made me far more whole that being a wretched drunk I was. I have 7 months and an eager for more sobriety. We can do hard stuff and so can you
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Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 126
I hear you on the sun being a trigger. It only occurred to me recently how much I will miss sitting in the garden getting slowly drunk in the sunshine. We'll just have to find a new way to unwind and enjoy being outside, somehow!
Visualize how good it will feel to wake up the day after your birthday sober with no hangover or regret. You know that's what you truly want, so why choose to do anything different?
Visualize how good it will feel to wake up the day after your birthday sober with no hangover or regret. You know that's what you truly want, so why choose to do anything different?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 467
Thanks so much for all your replies it means a lot x
There's so much sound advice and wisdom here that I have taken on board.
Did anyone else feel that it was harder to stay sober after a couple of months than it was in the first few weeks?
The memory of how sick of it ( literally ) I was - was fresh in my mind and made me not want to pick up a drink during that time.
I've said this before but I almost find comfort in that kind of suffering because it's a familiar feeling.
I don't know who I am or how to be sober, it's not a comfortable feeling.
But as someone said it is time to step out of my comfort zone in order for things to change.
Not drinking is the first step - but I have no idea how to progress onto the next - I still have no drive or desire to do anything - if anything I feel pretty blah and have lost my sense of humour.
I still haven't accepted abstinence - and like you all said I need to commit to the plan.
Urgh I hate it!
But I'm doing it, and hopefully things will start to get better.
First step is to organise something for this long weekend - I feel so old since I stopped drinking LOL in my sober state I've realised that everything is achey!
Maybe some yoga will do me some good.
I also ordered some paint and bits and pieces to do a little DIY around my flat today - so I have a project.
Anyway enough of the self indulgent ramblings.
Thanks again x
There's so much sound advice and wisdom here that I have taken on board.
Did anyone else feel that it was harder to stay sober after a couple of months than it was in the first few weeks?
The memory of how sick of it ( literally ) I was - was fresh in my mind and made me not want to pick up a drink during that time.
I've said this before but I almost find comfort in that kind of suffering because it's a familiar feeling.
I don't know who I am or how to be sober, it's not a comfortable feeling.
But as someone said it is time to step out of my comfort zone in order for things to change.
Not drinking is the first step - but I have no idea how to progress onto the next - I still have no drive or desire to do anything - if anything I feel pretty blah and have lost my sense of humour.
I still haven't accepted abstinence - and like you all said I need to commit to the plan.
Urgh I hate it!
But I'm doing it, and hopefully things will start to get better.
First step is to organise something for this long weekend - I feel so old since I stopped drinking LOL in my sober state I've realised that everything is achey!
Maybe some yoga will do me some good.
I also ordered some paint and bits and pieces to do a little DIY around my flat today - so I have a project.
Anyway enough of the self indulgent ramblings.
Thanks again x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 279
Originally Posted by overforty
Did anyone else feel that it was harder to stay sober after a couple of months than it was in the first few weeks?
The memory of how sick of it ( literally ) I was - was fresh in my mind and made me not want to pick up a drink during that time.
I've said this before but I almost find comfort in that kind of suffering because it's a familiar feeling. I don't know who I am or how to be sober, it's not a comfortable feeling.
But as someone said it is time to step out of my comfort zone in order for things to change.
Not drinking is the first step - but I have no idea how to progress onto the next - I still have no drive or desire to do anything - if anything I feel pretty blah and have lost my sense of humour.
I still haven't accepted abstinence - and like you all said I need to commit to the plan.
Urgh I hate it!
But I'm doing it, and hopefully things will start to get better.
Not drinking is the first step - but I have no idea how to progress onto the next - I still have no drive or desire to do anything - if anything I feel pretty blah and have lost my sense of humour.
I still haven't accepted abstinence - and like you all said I need to commit to the plan.
Urgh I hate it!
But I'm doing it, and hopefully things will start to get better.
With that said, abstinence is a crucial part of your success. There's no negotiating around it. I found freedom in embracing "NEVER AGAIN", others in focusing just one day a time. Whichever works for you, but the path forward is through not picking up.
First step is to organise something for this long weekend - I feel so old since I stopped drinking LOL in my sober state I've realised that everything is achey!
Maybe some yoga will do me some good.
I also ordered some paint and bits and pieces to do a little DIY around my flat today - so I have a project.
Maybe some yoga will do me some good.
I also ordered some paint and bits and pieces to do a little DIY around my flat today - so I have a project.
I also think it's important to connect with others, in whatever form that works for you - interest activities, church, meetings, friends, relatives, any social interactions. Introverts need human connection too. Do you have anything like that?
Anyway enough of the self indulgent ramblings.
Thanks again x
Thanks again x
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