Toddy

Hi everyone.

It's been ages since I've posted on here but I've been attending AA fairly consistently for about 6 months. I relapsed a month or so ago and i currently have 25 days of sobriety.

I have been pretty enthusiastic and convinced by AA and the 12 steps despite my initial scepticism. I used to think it was a load of rubbish but after going to a few meetings I started to understand the real life power in the steps.

My problem is I think i might have chosen the wrong sponsor. He is a great bloke but he is extremely full on, he is so unbelievably fluent in AA and kind of talks at me rather than to me. I dont feel like we have conversations, more like I spend an hour on the phone listening to him talk very deeply and passionately about the big book. He's just way to full on with it all.

This is leading me to feel like i dont want to continue with AA but I've tried pretty much every other approach and I just keep relapsing.

I would change sponsor because there is a different bloke in my home group who seems like he'd be a much better fit with my personality but I'd feel awful about dropping my current sponsor and I'm not sure I could face seeing him in meetings afterwards.

To be honest I wish I could just stop drinking and be done with it but I've tried that about a thousand times!!

Dee74

Good to see you again Toddy
I've never had a sponsor and I'll defer to those who have, but for me sometimes the best guides are those who know the way and who stay focused on that, rather than those we might get on better with?

D

novips

My dis-ease is constantly trying to talk me out of A.A. and it sounds like your dis-ease is similar. So, regardless of how you end up dealing with this issue, do not give up your seat in A.A.

If you're a real alcoholic like I am then saying you might leave A.A. because you don't want to hurt your sponsor's feelings is like saying you might go jump off the empire state building to avoid possibly feeling a bit awkward in tomorrow's meeting. Don't ever give anyone that sort of power over your recovery and life.

Here's the bottom line as far as I'm concerned: Are you actively working your way through the Steps? If your current sponsor is actively taking you through the Steps, then it simply doesn't matter if you don't enjoy chatting with him. Get other people's numbers and call them. A sponsor's job is to take you through the Steps -- it's not to be your therapist. If, on the other hand, your sponsor is not actively taking you through the Steps then you have every right to switch to a sponsor who will take you through the Steps or at the very least get a "step guide" who will. In fact, if you're a real alcoholic then your life literally depends on getting a sponsor who will actively take you through the Steps.

Lots more I could say about this, so feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.

ToughChoices

I’m currently negotiating a sponsorship change. It IS a bit awkward, but, as novips mentioned above, a bit of awkwardness is a small price to pay for my LIFE. Make no mistake, your life is at stake.

I don’t think everyone needs AA, but I know that I do. It sounds like you do, too.

Thats cool. Stick with what works.

fishkiller

To get sober we must do Whatever It Takes.

I have no experience with AA so maybe I shouldn't be replying but the last sentence spoke to me.

I hope this doesn't come across too harsh as it's not meant to be. I just know I Tried to quit for decades only to fail each time.

You have Tried a thousand times.
There is no magic solution. The solution is in You. You have the power to change.
The method is just a formality imo.
The change has to come from inside.
Stop trying and start Doing.

If you want to never drink again then don't.

The sponsor can only guide you. You have to do the Work.
The book can only give you information. You have to process that information and use it.

I failed for decades until I finally said enough. I will do Whatever it takes to get and stay sober.
I have SR to thank for finally getting me to see it was in Me. Nothing or noone could help me until I was willing to do The Work and hold myself accountable.

I can see you really want to get sober. I can guarantee you can do it. But you have to grab hold of the power within yourself. It's there believe me.

When the AV is yelling at you and it seems life is too much and we Need a drink the only thing you need to do, well not do, is Just Don't Drink. Just for now. Don't worry that you drank a month ago don't worry that you may fail tomorrow. Just Don't Drink Right Now.

Good luck with the sponsor situation. My only advice on that is sometimes the AV tells us we don't like or need something because it's working. The AV hates when we are sober.

biminiblue

I went to AA meetings for only a few months. I was ready to quit drinking and I did not get a sponsor, but I did hear some people in meetings who were very passionate about a program which in their eyes helped them get and stay sober. If I had not been able to absorb and understand the books and the meaning behind them then I would have been ready to have a sponsor. As it was I didn't struggle a whole lot to stay quit.

It seems that you are more irritated with his particular style/personality. You can always tell him that.

You are in charge of how you spend your time so why not just put a limit on the amount of time you allocate to the relationship, "Hey, thought I'd give you a call. I have about 10 minutes then I'll have to go." Set a timer, thank him for his time (I mean, he's spending time with you to help you remain sober - for free!) and get off the phone. I guarantee there is something to be learned from him.

I was irritated at everything and everyone in early sobriety. At least AA is a good safe place to be irritated. Out there in the world is a whole lot harder!

brighterday1234

Do whatever keeps you sober and grateful to be sober 🙏

DriGuy

Like Bimini, my inspiration from AA came from those who were successfully happy with years of sobriety. I didn't care how they got there. That kind of success just became my overriding goal. I picked a sponsor after a year or so, because I was pestered into it. He gave me a bunch of things to do, although he was wise enough to see that I was sincere about my recovery, and he let me find my own way. We became good friends.

I agree with Fishkiller too. I do all the time. I don't see you blaming your sponsor or AA, and I think you are getting to that point where you are starting to understand that your recovery is on you ("You do the work"). Not to say you do it on your own. God forbid, I don't think I could have done that. But I was constantly looking for ideas from books, group members, and sometimes my sponsor, but most of the time it came from the group, not as a group consensus, but in the form of tidbits from this person or that person, and whoever was able to understand what I was asking, and who was able to reply from their heart, rather than from a doctrine or a bumper sticker.

Questioning things won't hurt, but don't drink. I believe that to be the prime directive, and everything you do should center on that. And you know what you need to do to accomplish that. It may be in the AA steps, but I believe it goes deeper. What are your triggers and how do you avoid them? What specific actions are you going to take when confronted with the urge to drink? These questions and solutions are personal. The solutions are direct in nature, not tangential. A solution should relate directly to the challenge.

Brighterday1234 sums it up in a nutshell.

Steely

Why don't you just tell him how you feel? That'd be really working the Steps imho.

Put the sober you out there to be heard. And if you are not heard, change sponsors.

Get some dialogue going Toddy. Work the Steps.

RecklessDrunk

Those early days of sobriety were one of the better chapters of my life.

I decided on a sponsor while putting away chairs after a meeting. I was talking with other members about drug use war stories I guess, and it hit me. This guy drank and drugged much in the same way that I did. He grew up probably under 200 miles away from where I did. Had a similar education, similar upbringing, forced to go to similar church and with similar ideas on God and religion. Similar career field but different skill sets. He had 10 years sober but was only a couple of years older.

Reminded me of the main character in the Netflix series Ozark. He kind of just knew what to do next somehow. Looks like him kind of, not really.

I never felt talked down to. If anything I thought maybe he gave me too much credit sometimes. When we talked about the different incidents in my life, he knew why I picked up the drink, the drug. We could share stories and go blow by blow and disect the insanity of our thinking at the time. We laughed and laughed. There i was in some serious legal trouble and suddenly everything is funny.

It wasn't just the steps, it was his experience with the steps. What my experience might be with the steps. How I feel today, how he felt in that stage of recovery and how I might feel in the near future. I could say what is going on with me at the moment and we could discuss the next possible options. It can be the simplest things too. My car is having a problem should I A,B, or C. I am arguing with Girlfriend, could I be wrong, etc.


Its not that recovery is supposed to be fun but at least for me I think I needed a practical approach. Just knowing the big book word for word isn't going to keep me sober. To me its how can I apply this to my everyday life. I needed a sponsor that could understand me. (About as well as a crackpot like me can be understood) A sponsor that could take me where I needed to go. I usually looked forward to calling my sponsor.

Hevyn

Toddy - I'm glad you posted. Great to see you again.

I have no experience with a sponsor - but I think these responses will be helpful.

Anna

Toddy, I have no experience with a sponsor either, but I hope that you can find a solution that works for you.

Eddiebuckle

Toddy,

If your sponsor is showing you how to work the steps, you should be speaking at least 50% of the time when you meet with him/her. The steps aren't theoretical, they are done - in the context of the life/addiction that brought you to AA. If your current sponsor doesn't seem to be a good fit, you owe yourself and your sponsor an honest conversation about that before you approach anyone else. Your sponsor may be disappointed, but not nearly as much as s/he would if you quit going to meetings or relapsed.

Good luck - you can do this!

Zencat

Toddy, My AA experience with sponsors was varied like the different personalities people have. One sponsor was a 'book thumper' that worked all the steps, knew the BB inside and out, did a lot of 12th step work and he didn't mix well with me. Like you wrote, he was maybe too regimented about the program than I was. Another sponsor I had was a 'meetings only' guy that talked about fishing all the time. He had a lot of sober years, He had a long time sober buddy that hung with him also talked alot about fishing. I thoroughly enjoy fishing but I was still drugging, Great guy I liked him and his hang-along friend.

The key for me now is being committed without wavering to a program of recovery. I mean all-in commitment. No half measures stuff like I did before. AA tells about a complete lifestyle and cognitive rearrangement change that will keep you sober for life. There are step guides online, what step are you on? maybe the first, yes. IMO dive deep into step one and start doing the work.

Maybe get a bunch of phone numbers and call for a meet-up at a coffee shop or something. Like step work, sponsor work its work work work it.

sugarbear1

Are you working those steps yet? If so, keep your sponsor and get through the steps. If you aren't working the steps, get a new sponsor.

Mizz

Some people don't mesh well. They don't have too. I think if this particular sponsor is not working then its completely understandable to find a person that will work. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You get to make decisions that are healthy and appropriate for your life. I'm sure you will find the words to "break up" that will be kind. Keep on moving forward! Listen to yourself. You inherently know the answer.

BarbieKen

I agree Mizz. My Sponsor is my 4th one in 10 years.

OP, My very first Sponsor was picked by me. I felt SO much pressure when I was fresh out of Rehab that I chose someone I didn’t know.

2nd Sponsor .. we would meet for lunch, when she could fit me in. Phone calls just as rare. Vague talks of Recovery.

3rd Sponsor I was with for 5 years. I did the 12 Steps with her and I learned a lot about my Recovery we remain friends.

4th and My Current Sponsor I have had since 2019. We both have been re-doing the Steps, start Step 11 next week. Our relationship is one of “mutual Sponsorship”. 🙂🙂💙💙📘📘

I look at it … that I grow and change as I go down my Recovery Path. Each woman brings me something I needed to learn.
Bobbi

Patcha

People change sponsors all the time. It's not a big deal. Talk with the person you'd like to be your new sponsor and see if they are available. If they are, you can ask them for advice about letting your old sponsor know you've decided to work the Steps with someone else, and thank them for their help. It's really not a big deal. It's a very normal part of AA.

ZIP

Hi Toddy,
I have no advice on sponsorship, but I attended AA meetings about 6 days a week for over a year, as part of my outpatient program. AA participation was mandatory to remain in the outpatient program, and we were required to submit AA meeting attendance cards.
That said, I opted not a get a sponsor. I really benefitted by attending the meetings, and listening/interacting with others. Met some great people in those rooms...
I'm pushing 4.5 years sober now, so I don't attend meetings as often as I did. My point is, I think the rooms are a valuable tool in early recovery. So, however you decide to handle your issue, I'd encourage you to stick with the meetings.
Good luck, perseverance pays.

Farrier

Sponsorship is very personal to me and I couldn't just pick some random person because they rose their hand in meeting. The person I asked was someone that I heard speak or share for sometime before I asked for his help reading the BB. Just because a person is in AA and has a lengthy sobriety record doesn't mean they can't be self-centered, self seeking, condescending, know it all's that soak themselves in sponsee's because it keeps them sober; not necessarily their sponsee's.

The BB says, "Our book is suggestive only" and it doesn't say that we must find a sponsor to hold our hands and work the 12 steps.