DriGuy

I didn't. But I will say Phase II (as I call it), required a different strategy than the first few weeks of Phase I. When the original bout of cravings diminish, there is a feeling of well being. You no longer feel like an alcoholic, but more like what it seems it would be for a normal person. This is a risky time when we start to question if we were ever really as bad off as we thought. "Let's take drink and see what happens." HINT: You know what I'm going to tell you what happens.

When the cravings diminish, it is no longer a battle of will, which you have apparently made it through with flying colors. Now, instead of will, you must shift your approach to THINKING. It's also a time where your AV realizes it's got to be more creative if it's going to lure you back to staying drunk. All sorts of reasonable sounding reasons to drink start bubbling up, one of them being exactly what you experienced:

That's pure AV in Rational Recovery, a book that you need to read. You can read about this is psychology books too. Out of our comfort zone, as horrible as that comfort zone may be, it can seem more attractive than the unfamiliar. It's the fear of the unknown, and long term sobriety for an alcoholic is unknown territory. "Let's return to something we know we can deal with, even if it's not all that good."

Alcoholics in long term recovery tell us all the time how much better that unknown way of living is. Sure, there will be surprises, and some will be monumentally pleasant, things you didn't see coming. Another surprise, but not so good for me was that reality doesn't go away. There is still always crap we have to deal with. But rather than fear it, we just deal with it, and when we do it sober, it becomes a series of practice sessions in dealing with crap. The good side of this is our confidence increases as we get better at it, and you will.

You are paying too much attention to your AV, and he's going to convince you to hate being sober. And of course you don't know how to progress to the next step, because you lack the experience and knowledge. This is where this forum can help, because we've all traveled the same path.

While Phase II requires a change of strategy, there is still one over riding detail that must not change: Don't drink, ever. This can never change if you want to get well. Don't drink and you will be forced to confront reality sober, and you will start learning and being surprised often at what you learn. Accepting abstinence is a choice we make, and you must do it. I know how tempting it is to "romance the drink," as we call that phenomenon. We have this urge to experience it one more time, or at least once in a great while. But how good it would be is just another lie from your AV. Getting drunk and all the horrible consequences that go with it never changes.

Cityboy

Over40, I have found it to be a process with changes and growth. The way you feel today may be different tomorrow, next week, and then again the week after, and so forth.

All the old lies that I lived by for decades gave it a go, and they are all lies. It's so nice to drink 15 beers after work - lie. It makes me more witty and fun to be around - lie. It has health benefits and prevents me from getting sick - lie. On and on. The more sober time I had, the more I could see what lies it all was.

At first, I had to beat the old habits. Stopped for a glass of tea on the way home from work instead of picking up a 15-pack of beer. Then it moved on to the other old habits like going to the sports bar for football and beer all afternoon. The old familiar feeling you mention would kick in sometimes. Each time I beat an old habit, it was mostly gone.

As I became free of the fog and could begin seeing a little more clearly, the reasons I had such a dependency on drinking became more evident. I had to begin letting go of the guilt, resentments, fear, anxiety, and other bad emotions. Three years later, they are still there, but much less intense and come less frequently. The positive emotions will come if you give them a chance.

After a few weeks, my whole mentality towards it changed. There was a huge shift the fundamental mind-set of "I must incorporate drinking in everything". It became "why on earth would I want to drink alcohol". Now, watching others who still live by that old drinking creed really seem quite pitiful. I think, can you not enjoy anything if you aren't drinking alcohol? Of course that's the way I lived, for four decades. But no more.

VikingGF

It takes some time to become comfortable not doing "something" when you used to be drinking. I spent a lot of time in the car- driving here and there and not really having a destination- sometimes going out to pick up something and often coming back without it- just trying to figure out what to do with "new me." My mood and motivation were up and down, all over the place. Fortunately, that is all done with now, and I can have a day that doesn't have to be jam packed- but you can be sure I had something on the agenda for months- especially weekends. And sometimes my plan was just sitting on SR- reading, posting and keeping myself focused. I read books, watched movies about addiction and recovery, tons of documentaries (Amazon Prime has a good selection) about alcohol and the terrible things it does to us. Slowly, I got stronger and needed less minute to minute distractions, and was able to focus on myself and what came next- figuring out what I want, taking steps to make things better and gain some control and confidence in my ability to live a life without drinking. I also learned that I deserve this better life, I'm comfortable with free time and there was no need to panic if something changed or didn't go the way I wanted. I started to see that I had been living a lie this whole time- and it became my life's work to make sure that never happened again.

Everyone's path is different, but seeing so many people here go through it does prove that there are "phases" so keep on going. As I and many others have said- until you accept that you will not drink again, you are going to have more of a struggle, but some people come to that conclusion while on the journey. You will find your way. You deserve good things and your emotions will level out and you will feel good again- it just takes time.

Klio

How are you doing, overforty?

overforty

Thankyou for your replies - SR is amazing.
I hope I can eventually be as kind and supportive for you all as you have been to me.
Sorry for not replying individually, my head is all over the place at the moment and I can't concentrate or articulate very well.
I'm going for an eye test on the 28th which will hopefully help - I feel a bit dizzy, which I'm assuming is something to with my reading glasses needing to be updated after 3 or 4 years of ignoring appointments.
But there is of course Google which is always there to make an alcoholic paranoid about the damage we may have done to ourselves!

I have taken some of your advice on board and have arranged to see a friend who isn't a drinker on Saturday for my birthday.
But what worries me is that although her heart is in the right place - she is notoriously unreliable.
I've known her for nearly 30yrs and she smokes a lot of weed and has had similar life experiences to me that remain undealt with and I am worried that she will let me down and it will be another trigger for me to pick up a drink.
I know - I just read that back to myself and the excuses sound ridiculous!
But my behaviour over the years leaves me with very few options of people I can spend time with and my close family have sadly passed away.
Over the past decade I have spent most special occasions on my own with alcohol for company - I'm writing this jumbled thought process down so I can come back to it and drum it into my stupid addicted brain that drinking did this and going back to it isn't an option.

The irony is I'm still not convinced that sobriety is for me!!
I have to laugh or I'll cry.
I got an early birthday present today which was nice, from my one other `friend` who lives in the north of England now far away from me so we rarely see each other - this is someone I grew up with and is the polar opposite from me - except for our drinking.
She is a high functioning alcoholic if there is such a thing, a type A personality that likes a plan and would laminate it given the chance haha
I told her over Christmas that I was going to do 90 days of abstinence and she reacted very strangely to it.
We normally text each other times once a fortnightish just blah blah - but she's being strangely curt and absent - which I know is a reaction based on me giving sobriety a go - its making her feel bad about her own choices - I get it.
But in the Birthday card her words were " I hope you're looking forward to being back in the non tee- total club shortly "
This makes me sad!
I haven't enjoyed her company for many years now - even after a **** ton of booze, she tends to think it's OK to say pretty nasty things to me - this is not a friend it's an acquaintance that I keep around because there is no one else and it's a habit after so many years.
I realise after a short time of sobriety that I don't like her, and she clearly doesn't like me.

So I guess my point is one of my many trigger to drink this weekend is feeling lonely and not having the courage to do things alone.
So the plan I've put in place is to fix my bicycle and take myself out for a ride over the weekend for a coffee and cake and people watch, which I find much easier than engaging with people!
I basically need to get a life!
Anyway, today is 80 days and I'm grateful for it and for all of you.
No one needs to reply to this incoherent ramble it's so cathartic to type it out

Free2bme888

Overforty,

I hope you chose NOT to drink.

It is a choice, and lots of effort, to go and get alcohol and pour it down our throats.

No one ever just “slips”.

Best thing to do, is get a different plan.

Mine is never drink now, It’s easier for me than saying I won’t for a week, a month, 90 days, or six months, because it’s always now.

If I knew I had 10,687, 993 breaths left to breathe, it would not only be overwhelming, but anxiety producing as well, because, well, gee, what comes after that?

I am just living each day the way I perceive the great spirit would like me to, with all my feelings intact and not numbed out.

Our brains are resilient, and they heal, miraculously, after about 60 months of sobriety, and get exponentially better after a year.

I confused abstinence with CONTROL at 14 months sober in 2019. I do regret that, but it was a mistake I guess I needed to make.

No guarantees that 26 months of absolute hell later, that I’d be able to give it another go.

I did, and I’m never going back.

Big hugs

♥️🤓

Klio

I am so thrilled you checked in!!! ❤️ Congratulations on 80 days, keep them coming! ✨ It's great that you have a plan for the weekend and that you're taking such great care to think things through. Even if your friend flakes out on Saturday, you have a brilliant plan! Fixing your bicycle, going on the ride, coffee, cake and people watching, that sounds so lovely!

Anything else you enjoy? It's a really good idea to think about things you can do for yourself, things you like and can look forward to. It's so important to turn to self-love and self-care. I'm not very good at it, but learning now.

Your acquaintance sounds dreadful. Drop her like dead weight! She doesn't sound like a nice or supportive person, and that's the last thing you need now.

I shed a few people who were uncomfortable with me not drinking. It was a relief because it made me realize that they never really cared about me and we were connected through going out and drinking only. There was some snide commentary and jabs. It hurt at first, and then I realized it wasn't a big loss.

Stay close to the site, keep the thread going, and don't pick up no matter what. It's good that you're completely honest that you're not quite convinced, it's better than hiding it. Talk through any of this. Like you said, very often after you write it all out and reread it, you start seeing things differently. You shed the light at addictive unhealthy thoughts and lies.
​

zoobadger

You don't have to share or talk at a meeting, either. If it's your turn to share, just say that "you're going to just listen, today, thanks." I haven't been to a meeting in a long time, myself, but they can be helpful in lots of ways. Not least of which, it keeps you busy with something that absolutely does not involve drinking.

Klio

That's correct and a very good point! The thought of talking at meetings used to terrify me too, I'm very shy and introverted. I listened at the first few meetings, used the exact phrase you mentioned if people were going around the circle. Eventually, I found a smallish meeting where I felt comfortable to talk a bit here and there. But yes, just getting out of the house on a regular day and time disciplines me and gives me something to do and I'm finding it helpful.

zoobadger

My extroverted eagerness to freely share my thoughts and opinions did not diminish with sobriety. However, I (usually) remember sharing them now, and hopefully do so more coherently and less annoyingly.

Klio

That's so funny! 😁 Yes, sobriety definitely makes us more coherent.

Offthemast

You said you are not convinced sobriety is for you and that you need to get a life. You sound like me. Unfortunately my body has decided for me, Or should I say FORTUNATELY.

Nothing was going to change in my life on that road. As much as I sometimes fear life without it I am realizing how amazing sobriety can be. drank once in the last couple months. I want to see sobriety at 3 months, 6 months, a year etc. I bet my life will be completely different and a hell of a lot more fulfilling.

Lets do it, overforty. We deserve it.

VikingGF

Overforty- I'm not sure you chose the most appropriate birthday companion! Make part of your birthday coming here and post, you'll have plenty of company.

Klio

I'm looking forward to it!

DriGuy

Red flag! It's your birthday.
Red flag! Your going to celebrate your birthday with someone that smokes a lot of weed and lets you down.

Rethink that plan. If you are still going to go through with it anyway, plan ahead on how you're going to escape if you start anticipating a trigger. Yes escaping may seem rude, maybe not as rude as escaping from a mugger, but equally important to escape in both situations for your own well being. Also, realize she is not letting you down. You are letting you down. Your sobriety is your responsibility.

I was in a similar situation during my first year of sobriety when an old girlfriend called me up and wanted to rekindle our old relationship from many years before. During the hiatus, she had married, become an alcoholic and drug abuser of the worst kind, was now divorced, lonely, and drunk. She had seen me in the bars a few times and figured I could be a good partner, I guess and when I told her I quit drinking, she got unusually abrupt, said that no one was going to stop her from drinking, even though I never suggested such a thing, and we spent the rest of our conversation in irrelevant chit chat.

I don't think that if we got together, she would have started me drinking, but if any person outside of myself could have done it, she would have been the one. In my first year of sobriety, I was not yet on solid ground. Since then, I have wondered if I had made a mistake in bringing up my sobriety to her, but the reality was that with her drinking and my not drinking, that relationship would not have lasted long anyway. But she's dead now, died early in her 50s. Her obituary did not give a cause of her death. I'd bet money it was alcohol related. As much as I had second thoughts, there is no doubt in my mind that nothing in that relationship would have facilitated any of my current contentment and joy.

Sobriety, requires some hard choices, few that are that hard. But abstinence beats active alcoholism hands down any day of the week. Someone I knew in AA used to say, "My worst day sober, was better than my best day drunk."

Now you can go back out and start drinking again, and no one can stop you. I wish I could, but what to do after your 90 days is all up to you. I just hope that you find something in that 90 days that allows you to make a life long commitment to recovery, and if you do, you will stop scaring the bejabbers out of those of us who are behind you in this journey toward self improvement.
But I do wish you the best. And may things work out the way you hope.

Dee74

How are things today overforty?

Noone wants to have to give up something, especially if that something has been a constant companion through the good the bad and the ugly...its scary as hell and it gets you looking at ways to drink 'just a bit', or 'not so often'...like drinkers like us have a choice?

My addiction to alcohol turned me into someone I didn't want to be - but I committed twenty years to it.
We can commit to not drinking too

That leap out into the unknown is scary - and the benefits may not be instantly apparent....but that leap of faith is worth it.

I could never have dreamed how good my sober life is...it's not spectacular every day - nooens life is, drunk or sober - but I'm happy, I'm at peace and I'm open to possibility of the spectacular every day

Keep moving forward overforty

​​​​​​​D

overforty

Morning :-)
Waking up hangover free never gets old does it!
I agree that the friend I have chosen to spend my birthday with tomorrow is not a good choice at all.
I had already made peace with it that I was going to spend it on my own - but she offered to take me out for lunch so I felt obliged to say yes.
You're all right I shouldn't take risks with my sobriety!
At the moment I feel like everything other than being in my house is a risk.
I spent the day at home yesterday achieving nothing and getting cabin fever!
So I'm going out for a walk with my sister today - although we're not that close she seems to be making more of an effort recently and I'm grateful for that.
But she is another flake that I can't risk getting too close to, but a walk in the sunshine is harmless enough.
Did anyone else in early sobriety feel really good in the morning but by late afternoon my resilience gets low and the AV starts whispering or on some days screaming?
I dread the evenings at the moment.
I need a hobby - but I have no idea what I like doing - drinking and recovering from drinking took over my whole life.
I'm starting to get bored of my whining now LOL
I hope everyone has a great Easter weekend - I'll definitely be checking in here

Klio

I think feeling worse in the evenings is rather common. Evenings are the most difficult for me too. Hope you enjoyed lunch and walk with your sister. How did that go?

One thing that jumped out at me is you mentioned feeling obliged to say yes. You probably know this already but your sobriety and well-being should be your priority and learning to protect your boundaries and to say no is necessary. You can take a pause before replying or say you'll get back to them. And if things still feel off, say no.

Dig deep to see what things you used to enjoy before drinking took over. It could be an old hobby, even going as far back as childhood and teenage years. That's what I had to do in early sobriety to remember who I was. Or it can be a completely new hobby, a new skill, project, anything that may spark your interest. You also have the bike to fix and your painting project, so that's a great start!

Hang in there this evening!

DriGuy

Not even after 27 years.

If you think you have to (which you don't), be clear about your commitment to avoid mind altering substances with her. I would avoid saying you may decide to drink again sometime. Recovery is not about giving up or compromising. Relapse is not part of recovery.

I did most of my drinking at home. If you are an alcoholic, home is as good a place as any to get drunk. But the walk with your sister is on the right track. Humans are social animals, and sitting at home with nothing to do but think about drinking is risky. I was like that too. I needed a certain amount of people in my life, not a lot, but just some. And most of all in the beginning of recovery, I needed to be around people who didn't drink, not take it or leave it social drinkers, but people who never drank. Closely related to that brings me to your next comment:

Oh my, yes. I was all about not drinking all day at work while I was getting over my hangover, but once work was over, and I was home, I would be pouring a drink the first thing in the door, sometimes without even taking my coat off. Late in the day was murder, and fixing that specific part of my problem took a big leap.

Here is where I'm going to mention AA, a program that is tailored for a specific type of person, but not for everyone. Besides the emphasis on the 12 steps, there is also a fellowship that happens incidentally to the program, and that gathering of people working on their sobriety, some with years and years, and some still fumbling, offered me a nightly refuge with sober people where no one was going to pressure or trigger me into taking a drink. If SR existed at the time, I didn't know about it.

But after work I could hang on to my sobriety until it was time to get ready for one hour meeting. With time for getting ready, the meeting, and an hour in the coffee shop with a few others, there was three hours of totally safe time visiting with people, and it was then time to go to bed, and going to bed sober was one of the most thrilling parts of early recovery. I would lay under the covers overflowing with gratitude. Gratitude is important. Look for it.

Possibly SR is enough in the way of social contact, but consider AA, even if the steps don't make sense to you. AA covered my needs for social contact, and I became good friends with a few, and found a lot of inspiration from others.

overforty

I didn't enjoy the walk
I won't bore you all with why - but I feel anxious and just let down by everyone.
This is why I drink there's no one I can rely on.
It's OK I'm home and not going to drink this evening - I'm going to put a film on and drink sleepy tea
Thanks for the support xx