Checking in
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,390
Checking in
Hi friends-
I haven ‘t been here in a while.
My drinking is a symptom of a bigger problem. I decided that I have to fix my inner sadness and feeling of low self-esteem and frustration before I came back here. So bought two self-help books. Things were going okay. I thought that I had hope of changing the aspects of my personality that make me drink. I was really encouraged. I wanted out of this always-negative mental prison!!
However, on Saturday I got very drunk and wrote something cringe-worthy of a friend on social media. Jokingly he had told me years ago that I looked like Forrest Gump (I was wearing a red ball cap). When you’re drunk, your mind goes to weird memories. And I decided to publicly chastise him for that. I had absolutely No recollection the next day. I did take the post down. But not before it was seen by many ppl, including him.
I wrote him an apology. Never heard back.
I’m in shock and numb. I can’t believe what I did. I know that I’m sensitive. But when I get drunk I think it’s a grand idea to call ppl out for treating me wrong. It happens OVER and OVER.
I’m so so so so so so sad today. I’ve lost a friend. I wouldn’t be friends with me either right now.
Rather than curl up in a ball and die. I’m going to try to read the self help books. Once of them is about overcoming the negative thoughts that my mother instilled in me when I was a kid. It’s a therapy called CBT/DBT. It helps you to be less sensitive. It’s behavior modification(s) for ppl who have suffered traumatic upbringings. I’m so tired of the negative loop going thru my head. I’m so tired of being scared of ppl and thinking the worst. That’s why I drink. Most importantly, I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I’m tired of being in this negative self-loathing prison.
I’m sorry to write all of this.
I feel like a failure. But I have no choice but to get help for the pain that I’m suffering inside. If you’ve been abused (verbally and mentally) by a parent, then you get it. I don’t have to explain much more.
I miss you all. Thank you for your support.
I haven ‘t been here in a while.
My drinking is a symptom of a bigger problem. I decided that I have to fix my inner sadness and feeling of low self-esteem and frustration before I came back here. So bought two self-help books. Things were going okay. I thought that I had hope of changing the aspects of my personality that make me drink. I was really encouraged. I wanted out of this always-negative mental prison!!
However, on Saturday I got very drunk and wrote something cringe-worthy of a friend on social media. Jokingly he had told me years ago that I looked like Forrest Gump (I was wearing a red ball cap). When you’re drunk, your mind goes to weird memories. And I decided to publicly chastise him for that. I had absolutely No recollection the next day. I did take the post down. But not before it was seen by many ppl, including him.
I wrote him an apology. Never heard back.
I’m in shock and numb. I can’t believe what I did. I know that I’m sensitive. But when I get drunk I think it’s a grand idea to call ppl out for treating me wrong. It happens OVER and OVER.
I’m so so so so so so sad today. I’ve lost a friend. I wouldn’t be friends with me either right now.
Rather than curl up in a ball and die. I’m going to try to read the self help books. Once of them is about overcoming the negative thoughts that my mother instilled in me when I was a kid. It’s a therapy called CBT/DBT. It helps you to be less sensitive. It’s behavior modification(s) for ppl who have suffered traumatic upbringings. I’m so tired of the negative loop going thru my head. I’m so tired of being scared of ppl and thinking the worst. That’s why I drink. Most importantly, I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I’m tired of being in this negative self-loathing prison.
I’m sorry to write all of this.
I feel like a failure. But I have no choice but to get help for the pain that I’m suffering inside. If you’ve been abused (verbally and mentally) by a parent, then you get it. I don’t have to explain much more.
I miss you all. Thank you for your support.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
I’m glad you made it back PL 
I know when I was drinking I felt that I needed to fix myself in order to stop drinking too.
It turned out the opposite for me - I had to stop drinking in order to have any chance of fixing myself…
I hope the self help books help, but don’t listen to any inner voice that says you have to fix yourself in order to deal with the drinking.
D
I know when I was drinking I felt that I needed to fix myself in order to stop drinking too.
It turned out the opposite for me - I had to stop drinking in order to have any chance of fixing myself…
I hope the self help books help, but don’t listen to any inner voice that says you have to fix yourself in order to deal with the drinking.
D
❤️
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,528
It's good to see you, Peke. I'm really sorry for your pain.
We've talked before about traumatic childhood and all the stuff that ends up on our shoulders and in our hearts. I was where you are. But, like Dee, I needed to stop drinking first. Then I was able to clearly begin the job of inner healing (which continues today). I tried to fix myself while drinking, and I couldn't.
We've talked before about traumatic childhood and all the stuff that ends up on our shoulders and in our hearts. I was where you are. But, like Dee, I needed to stop drinking first. Then I was able to clearly begin the job of inner healing (which continues today). I tried to fix myself while drinking, and I couldn't.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: west falls, ny
Posts: 602
Those dreadful texts,
been there, done that many a time.
When I sit and think of the things I've done,
To say that I've embarrassed myself is an understatement.
I realized that there was a way to prevent it ever happening again.
I quit drinking.
I know it's easier said than done but that's it in a nutshell.
If I tried to figure out why I drank,
I would still be drinking and texting.
been there, done that many a time.
When I sit and think of the things I've done,
To say that I've embarrassed myself is an understatement.
I realized that there was a way to prevent it ever happening again.
I quit drinking.
I know it's easier said than done but that's it in a nutshell.
If I tried to figure out why I drank,
I would still be drinking and texting.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Hi, Peke! Glad that you are back with us!
I'm doing an intensive Step Study online with Herb K (12 Steps to a Spiritual Awakening), and he made a brilliant observation early on:
Our culture says that we: Know -> Feel -> Do - that changing our thoughts will change our feelings, and then lead to changed actions. That may be true in some situations.
But when it comes to alcohol, when it comes to addiction, our collective experience says that we: Do -> Know -> Feel - that changing our actions actually leads to a change in understanding and a whole new way of experiencing life (FREEDOM)!
I'm a HUGE proponent of understanding oneself, but there is no way to get to the self-knowledge (and definitely no way to feel RELIEF) if your actions still involve the consumption of alcohol. At least, that was true for me. And true for Herb K. (who is WAYYYY smarter than me).
If you decide and commit to zero alcohol, the understanding and emotional relief will come. For me, a good period of abstinence (followed by a regrettable, but necessary, relapse) opened the door to my understanding and suddenly ushered in a complete change of heart. Now I am free to explore myself and my idiosyncrasies. I can learn all about me: what I love, hate, tolerate, dream of, fear, desire, avoid, take pride in, cover up, etc...... Couldn't do it until the substance abuse STOPPED.
I believe that there is power within you. It is strong enough to manage when the pain comes. It does not require alcohol. Can you commit to eliminating drinking as a possibility so that you can get acquainted with your inner power? I think you can.
-TC
I'm doing an intensive Step Study online with Herb K (12 Steps to a Spiritual Awakening), and he made a brilliant observation early on:
Our culture says that we: Know -> Feel -> Do - that changing our thoughts will change our feelings, and then lead to changed actions. That may be true in some situations.
But when it comes to alcohol, when it comes to addiction, our collective experience says that we: Do -> Know -> Feel - that changing our actions actually leads to a change in understanding and a whole new way of experiencing life (FREEDOM)!
I'm a HUGE proponent of understanding oneself, but there is no way to get to the self-knowledge (and definitely no way to feel RELIEF) if your actions still involve the consumption of alcohol. At least, that was true for me. And true for Herb K. (who is WAYYYY smarter than me).
If you decide and commit to zero alcohol, the understanding and emotional relief will come. For me, a good period of abstinence (followed by a regrettable, but necessary, relapse) opened the door to my understanding and suddenly ushered in a complete change of heart. Now I am free to explore myself and my idiosyncrasies. I can learn all about me: what I love, hate, tolerate, dream of, fear, desire, avoid, take pride in, cover up, etc...... Couldn't do it until the substance abuse STOPPED.
I believe that there is power within you. It is strong enough to manage when the pain comes. It does not require alcohol. Can you commit to eliminating drinking as a possibility so that you can get acquainted with your inner power? I think you can.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 985
Ah man! BTDT on the anger fueled responses on the internet! I use to DREAD looking @ my phone the next am. What did I do, say. How can I mitigate the damage. There really IS no way to put an end to it, but to just stop. Plain and simple. I used to HATE when people would tell me that. I too went through ALL of the self help books, all of the medicines (antabuse, campral, naltrexone, vivitrol). There HAD to be something, RIGHT? For me - there wasn't. It was ME that had to STOP drinking. Alcohol either made me very happy, very sad or very mad. Definite extremes. My only advice is to take it easy on yourself right now. Just for now. I could and still do beat myself up HARD. It wasn't until my mind cleared a bit that I could see the whole picture. It's only been 10 months for me. On this side of the fence it doesn't seem like a long time. In the beginning, 10 DAYS was monumental. No matter WHAT path you take, you cannot do anything when alcohol has a presence. It took me 10 years to figure that one out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, Peke, I had quite a bit of trauma from my abusive mother growing up, too.
Drinking is not the solution. I agree with Anna and Dee that I had to stop drinking first and sort out the mom stuff afterward.
If the house is on fire, don't go round fluffing pillows, Peke, get out the house!!
The alcohol makes it all a thousand percent worse.
Drinking is not the solution. I agree with Anna and Dee that I had to stop drinking first and sort out the mom stuff afterward.
If the house is on fire, don't go round fluffing pillows, Peke, get out the house!!
The alcohol makes it all a thousand percent worse.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
The thanks button is currently unavailable for anyone, Peke. Techs are onto it
No need to be sorry at all.
No one here is looking down on you, just sharing experience.
I hope the books help
D
The goal was to read the books and not to drink. That’s where my heart was. I’m sorry.
No one here is looking down on you, just sharing experience.
I hope the books help
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Uk
Posts: 164
Hello Peke
it’s good you found your way back here.
I drifted a while and started drinking again after more bad news, embarrassed myself and a whole load of other crap that alcohol leads too.
don’t beat yourself up your here again now trying to put things right.
Get out for a run if you can as if I Remember correctly you love that.
be kind to yourself 😊
it’s good you found your way back here.
I drifted a while and started drinking again after more bad news, embarrassed myself and a whole load of other crap that alcohol leads too.
don’t beat yourself up your here again now trying to put things right.
Get out for a run if you can as if I Remember correctly you love that.
be kind to yourself 😊
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,390
My personality is this:
1 if you gave me a rose, I’d send you a dozen. (I don’t feel worthy of love/praise).
2. I’m very sensitive and selectively so: I could receive then compliments and only hear the bad one
3. I have NO ability to self-soothe. Except for drinking. I have to change that. When you have a mother/parent who isn’t nurturing (or worse yet, hitting and yelling at you constantly) you have no way to comfort yourself. This book is giving me solutions for that.
4. I feel like my mind is full of self-loathing and catastrophic thoughts.
I really am trying. This book is all that I have right now. I am so grateful for all of you. I wasn’t drinking until Saturday night, I was trying!! But I made an excuse that I needed a mental break from #1-4. “Just one glass”…..and you know it never ends well.
I’m not suicidal right now, just feeling a lot of despair. Please send me a hug. I want to be happy .
1 if you gave me a rose, I’d send you a dozen. (I don’t feel worthy of love/praise).
2. I’m very sensitive and selectively so: I could receive then compliments and only hear the bad one
3. I have NO ability to self-soothe. Except for drinking. I have to change that. When you have a mother/parent who isn’t nurturing (or worse yet, hitting and yelling at you constantly) you have no way to comfort yourself. This book is giving me solutions for that.
4. I feel like my mind is full of self-loathing and catastrophic thoughts.
I really am trying. This book is all that I have right now. I am so grateful for all of you. I wasn’t drinking until Saturday night, I was trying!! But I made an excuse that I needed a mental break from #1-4. “Just one glass”…..and you know it never ends well.
I’m not suicidal right now, just feeling a lot of despair. Please send me a hug. I want to be happy .
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
That kind of self esteem issue and negative thinking will take time and work to shift, but if I can do it, you can do it Peke.
Don't accept that the way things are now is the best things can be...not true
D
Don't accept that the way things are now is the best things can be...not true
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I am so glad you're back, Peke! I missed your open and honest posts.
You can really do this. Lean on us, read the book, and just don't take that first drink.
And keep pounding out the miles on those trails..
You can really do this. Lean on us, read the book, and just don't take that first drink.
And keep pounding out the miles on those trails..
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