Toddy

I don't have any motivation to do anything. I don't feel passionate about anything. I am literally questioning every element of my life. I feel like I don't want my business, my relationship, my house. Nothing.

Everything seems so hard, so much effort just to keep things moving. I don't know why I actually do anything because nothing really makes sense. I don't enjoy anything.

I'm 37 and I feel like I've been working towards something my entire life but I'm now questioning what that thing is. I'm not sure I've ever known, I've just had this drive to move forward but I'm not sure how long that drive can last without some concrete view of where it's going.

I believe everything is environmental. We are an emotional product of the environment we exist within. I just don't know what to change/how to change anything.

I'd almost rather have absolutely nothing. Then it would just be a case of building from the ground up. Its like I've built a toxicity that I can't escape from.

I need connection

61 days without a drink

biminiblue

Keep going. I think existential angst is part of the Human Condition. I get that feeling every now and then, but it always passes. I mean, no choice but to move forward, right?

If it doesn't pass, maybe you should talk to someone - a doctor/therapist?

zenithboy88

Hi Toddy,
I can relate to your above statement.
I've been in this state of apathy for a long time.
I do take a med for anxiety/ depression,
But the heavy drinking I've done over the past bunch of years didn't help.
I quit drinking over a month ago and I've been happier with doing things again, engaging in old hobbies etc.
The apathy and not wanting to do anything can be a sign of depression.
Have you talked to a doctor about how you feel?

Tetrax

I am your age and have pretty much nothing but I know what you mean. Sometimes I'm glad I don't have things to lose; I can imagine it being insanely stressful. But I also have depression, and it sounds like you might have, so there's that to consider, no matter what one's situation is I guess.

Dee74

I have a slightly different viewpoint.

They call it recovery cos we’ve been pretty sick - and there’s a mental and physical component to getting ‘well’.
I had no joy and little motivation when I quit drinking.

I had expected that to some degree - I drank for decades- but I could barely get out of bed the first month and I felt no joy, and little motivation for 2 months after that…but things did get better.

I had to have faith that I was on the right road. I’d worn down the other road leading back to drinking - there was nothing for me that way… so I gave recovery a shot and it worked out, in time.

Like they say in AA don’t leave before the miracle happens.
Stick with us. It gets better.

D

Cityboy

Great job on 61 days. It will start getting better, just hang with it.

ToughChoices

Early recovery for me was a rollercoaster between anhedonia and existential misery. Peppered in with lots of thoughts on how I should be grateful for my family, relationship, house, etc..., so let's add some extra shame into the mix! Not a pleasant place to be. I feel you.

Keep walking. Maybe to an AA meeting? Shelter volunteer training session? Meals on Wheels route?

It takes time to establish the connection for which you long. Addiction is isolation, the opposite of connection, so you have to move to the opposite shore. It's a large distance, but it happens one little tripping, halting step at a time. Be patient with yourself.

I found deep connection with other addicts/alcoholics, my community, and (most importantly) my Higher Power in the rooms of AA. Working the Twelve Steps has opened my eyes to the freedom and bounty and opportunities to be of good use that life in sobriety has to offer. Different strokes for different folks, and all that, but AA saved my physical and spiritual life.

Today I have a new (smaller) house. A new (less prestigious) job. A renewed (best-it's-ever-been) relationship with my partner. A new (amazing) sense of meaning in my role as a parent and friend.

I believe that God grants us immense potential and freedom. I trapped myself within my own narrow construction of what "success" looked like. Then I drank/used to be content in my tiny prison. Rid yourself of the substance that holds you captive and blow up your concepts of success. Open your mind. When you sit in the quiet, in the dark, what does your heart whisper that it wants?

You can have it.

DriGuy

That's quite a conundrum. I've experienced similar feelings, but not for long. It's possible that this is a brain chemistry thing. It sounds like depression to me. But that is for a doctor to diagnose and treat.

fishkiller

Oh yes I can relate. I finished my career and paid all my bills off, retired just as I had planned for 30 years. I was miserable. Because I was still drinking.
Then I quit.
That was a jolt to the system. Thoughts and emotions all over the place.
I've had those feelings even after a couple of years. Not daily but they came and went. At just about 3 years now I have done the Work, suffered the pain and came out on the other side with a new purpose in life.
To be the best me I can.
Don't care about much else.

I can say I am Truly happy with my life now. I still have bad days when nothing seems worth it but I believe that's just normal. I push through and always come out better for it.

61 Days is amazing but we take much longer to get acclimated to this new life.

Stick with it. It gets Much better

Hevyn

Hi Toddy. I'm glad you wanted to discuss how you're feeling. You're never alone.

I definitely felt disoriented & strange when I first quit. I was happy to be free of alcohol, but had to learn how to live in a new way. We've been numbing ourselves a long time. In my case, it was decades. I finally grew to love my new way of looking at things - but it took more than 61 days to adjust my attitude & make some changes.

brighterday1234

Depression can be helped by seeing a dr and following their recommendation. Alcoholism can be helped by working a recovery program. The two are often heavily intertwined 🙏

Toddy

Thank you all for your replies, it's been really helpful to write down how I'm feeling and try to acknowledge it and observe it rather than fight it.

I do know that I don't always feel like this but when I do feel this way it can seem like it's permanent even though past experience tells me it will pass.

In my experience a low spell is often followed by a more positive period, especially if I do everything I can to create it. Exercise, meetings, being open, good nutrition and mindfulness all help to swung things in a more positive direction for me.

Thank you all again for listening to me and for showing understanding and compassion.

Onwards and upwards!

JohnToon

I can definitely relate.

Before Christmas I felt like I couldn't experience joy. Like a passenger, going through the motions. I felt so guilty about the time I'd lost and being so removed from my family. I'm bipolar and getting sober has forced me to seek professional help for it.

I've also been puzzling over my life plan. I've been driven by this unquenchable need to prove myself, achieve and progress my whole life. I'm almost 40 now and sitting wondering what it's all for and where it's going.

TheAten

Toddy, I relate so much it’s almost as though your post were written by me. I don’t have anything useful at all to add but just to say thanks for sharing this, you aren’t alone in feeling this way and keep going. I’m day 68 so we’re a week apart; let’s see where this sober life takes us.

joe801

Congratulations on 61 days.

I had similar feelings early on. Early on can mean different lengths of time for every individual though. Honestly is my best policy I was worried sick about loses those things you listed.

Keep us posted and if the feelings don't ease there is no shame in talking to doctor.

SproutLife

Omg I love so many people responded. I also had a crazy existential crisis during my first two months. Not much ahead I'm at 100 days today but the existentialism did fade. Not sure why but like some said, maybe we were pretty effing broken and then we get better? Those rose colored glasses start to fade in?