Kaptn

Sending hugs. I understand.

Pekelover2

Thank you all so much.
I hope that the DBT therapy can off me some comfort. And teach me to self-sooth. I didn’t realize it. But I’ve been a huge fan of taking hot baths when I’m sad. It turns out it’s a soothing strategy that was suggested in the book.
I’m trying to replace the negative talk “you’re worthless, ugly , fat, you’ll never change” with “you had a tough childhood. It will take time to change. But you’re okay”. The book teaches you to treat yourself with kindness.

Such a long road ahead of me. But this is kind of the last straw for me.

One thing that I know, is this: I was a good student. If I can clone a gene then maybe I can do this too. Maybe I can relearn how to think. Maybe i can have peace in my head. Instead of the knots in my stomach and the constant loop of hearing “you’re awful, life is awful, everything is pointless”.
I truly felt like working on myself was not worth while. I just hid behind a smile.
I can’t stop crying. I hurt my friend. I wish I could turn back the clock. But maybe things happen for a reason.

Pekelover2

Dee, Anna, Venus, Advbike, FDL, Hevyn, Least, Bimi, Tough choices, Zenith and Be Happy…
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to my post.

I’m so low right now. I hope that the DBT self-soothing skills can take me to a better place. I hope that I can “be a friend” to myself instead of hearing this negative loop in my head. I hope that I can set boundaries instead of saying yes to everything and to everyone. The book talks about values. I feel like I have none. I feel so empty.

I feel like a “yes” man, I’m scared of letting others down.

I’m ready to change. I mean this when I say that I have to get this new therapy to work. The great thing about DBT is they don’t give a darn what happened to you as a child. They just want to help you to fix it.

Dee74

The most important person in all of this is you, PL.
I know it doesn’t come easy, but you should consider yourself first right now.

Don’t let yourself down y’know?

connop1

You’ve got this Peke. Those thoughts are in all of us and learning to filter them out and stop them in their tracks is a challenge we all face. Some are much better at it than others, some are experts at it and some give off the impression that they’re good at it, when really they’re going through very similar things. Your pain and distress is something universal but it’s not something that will necessarily overcome you eternally. You keep trying to reach your goal though and when you slip it feels like you’ve ended up right back where you started, but you haven’t. Now maybe it doesn’t feel like it but you are making progress. You’re trying different things, some work a bit, some not at all, but you’re working at it and even times when you go two steps forward and three back and it feels like failure, just think what would have happened if you hadn’t made that forward march, you’d now be even further back.

Tetrax

It's good to hear from you Peke. And yeah I have brought up random things from years ago and messaged people about them too. Only when I fully sober up do I appreciate how out of the blue - to say the least - such things would have registered with them.

SoberLeigh

You may feel like a failure, Peke, but you are absolutely NOT a failure. Many of us here have felt just as you do now; we understand; we get it; we have been there - that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness which CAN be overcome through sobriety and recovery. It takes a lot of work, hard work, but removal of alcohol from our lives (forever, once and for all) is the primary decision and action. No matter what happens (and sometimes those happenings are darn awful) or how we feel, we can’t pick up.

As you work through Recovery, those self-esteem issues and negative thoughts will start to dissipate; along the lines of ToughChoices post above, much of Recovery is an ‘inside job’ so to speak - AA’s steps focus on that understanding and helps find resolution for our past experiences - although not the only game in town, AA might be something to consider. The Step Study online with Herb K (12 Steps to a Spiritual Awakening) that ToughChoices mentioned might be something to pursue.

Sending you those requested hugs, Peke. You can do this and we are here to help.

samwitch

Glad you're back Peke. I was worried about you, and am very happy to see you posting.

I think you've gotten a ton of good advice so I won't add much to it except to say that I am also dealing with quite a bit of trauma from my past(mine isn't the childhood stuff, but more along the "adult" abuse kind of stuff) and I know I used drinking to bury it/deal with it/whatever for a long long time.

I've got nothing sage to add, the others have given you way more wisdom than I ever could, but all I know is this-

Drinking makes it all so much worse.

(Oh, and that I should probably go back into therapy and talk it out but that's not something I can face right now.)

Anyway, don't want to make this about me, but wanted to just pass along how glad I am to see you and hope you work through this.

zenithboy88

good morning Peke-,
SLs quote above is true for most of us.
I've felt like an odd duck all my life.
When I drank, I really hated myself. I did tons of self loathing, I just always felt substandard compared to other folks.
I can't say that that's entirely gone away since I quit drinking, but I really am not so hard on myself anymore.
We all have good qualities ,
Give some thought to what yours are
And then focus on them.
We can't change the past ,
We can only do our best to move forward in a healthy mindset.

Re: hot baths, they're the best!
I take a good book and just lay there letting the tub fill up slowly listening to the water.
Then after it fills, I flick the drain open with my toes,
Let it drain, then start all over again!

Zencat

(((Peke))) Big hugs and Blessed Be.

DBT a huge part of DBT is living in the present mindfulness. We're gonna pay attention to what's going on immediately we're gonna escape our head momentarily. And the more you're into the present the less you'll be in the past or the worries of the future. It's kinda to get your mind to settle down so you can figure out things. But you have to be sober to practice it and I know that's what you're doing and I have faith you'll have a full recovery.

sugarbear1

It's not the successes that help define us; it's the failures and the retries that help us to gain our goals and dreams. Just my experience.

Free2bme888

My ACE score is 10.

i get it.

good replies, especially the ones touting stopping drinking FIRST, then fix things. Otherwise lose everything including that supportive husband

good you came back

read lots here, this is the best self help for me

Worried14

Glad you came back Pekelover

SoberLeigh

Sending more hugs your way, Peke.

DriGuy

Those are both worthy goals, but "not to drink" had to come first for me. I wasted too many years trying to fix my life so that I could get my drinking under control. At best it was a strategy from my AV to make sure alcohol remained in my life. For me, recovery had to be a behavior change, not a mental wellness pursuit. God knows, I needed to improve my mental health, but I couldn't do it without fixing the bigger problem first. It's hard. There is no easy way to do this. Welcome back.