Checking in
Hi friends-
I haven ‘t been here in a while.
My drinking is a symptom of a bigger problem. I decided that I have to fix my inner sadness and feeling of low self-esteem and frustration before I came back here. So bought two self-help books. Things were going okay. I thought that I had hope of changing the aspects of my personality that make me drink. I was really encouraged. I wanted out of this always-negative mental prison!!
However, on Saturday I got very drunk and wrote something cringe-worthy of a friend on social media. Jokingly he had told me years ago that I looked like Forrest Gump (I was wearing a red ball cap). When you’re drunk, your mind goes to weird memories. And I decided to publicly chastise him for that. I had absolutely No recollection the next day. I did take the post down. But not before it was seen by many ppl, including him.
I wrote him an apology. Never heard back.
I’m in shock and numb. I can’t believe what I did. I know that I’m sensitive. But when I get drunk I think it’s a grand idea to call ppl out for treating me wrong. It happens OVER and OVER.
I’m so so so so so so sad today. I’ve lost a friend. I wouldn’t be friends with me either right now.
Rather than curl up in a ball and die. I’m going to try to read the self help books. Once of them is about overcoming the negative thoughts that my mother instilled in me when I was a kid. It’s a therapy called CBT/DBT. It helps you to be less sensitive. It’s behavior modification(s) for ppl who have suffered traumatic upbringings. I’m so tired of the negative loop going thru my head. I’m so tired of being scared of ppl and thinking the worst. That’s why I drink. Most importantly, I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I’m tired of being in this negative self-loathing prison.
I’m sorry to write all of this.
I feel like a failure. But I have no choice but to get help for the pain that I’m suffering inside. If you’ve been abused (verbally and mentally) by a parent, then you get it. I don’t have to explain much more.
I miss you all. Thank you for your support.