Thank you all so much.
I hope that the DBT therapy can off me some comfort. And teach me to self-sooth. I didn’t realize it. But I’ve been a huge fan of taking hot baths when I’m sad. It turns out it’s a soothing strategy that was suggested in the book.
I’m trying to replace the negative talk “you’re worthless, ugly , fat, you’ll never change” with “you had a tough childhood. It will take time to change. But you’re okay”. The book teaches you to treat yourself with kindness.
Such a long road ahead of me. But this is kind of the last straw for me.
One thing that I know, is this: I was a good student. If I can clone a gene then maybe I can do this too. Maybe I can relearn how to think. Maybe i can have peace in my head. Instead of the knots in my stomach and the constant loop of hearing “you’re awful, life is awful, everything is pointless”.
I truly felt like working on myself was not worth while. I just hid behind a smile.
I can’t stop crying. I hurt my friend. I wish I could turn back the clock. But maybe things happen for a reason.