AJ143143

Hi all. Hope everyone had a good night and is having a good New Year’s Day. I’m struggling today … not with not drinking but with anxiety and depression. I feel like it’s due to my breakup. Specifically being discarded in the way I was. I was with him for 4 months and it has been 2 months almost since we have spoken. He literally screamed at me and told me never to contact him again over me being able to come to his house in that very moment cause I had work. Then he had another girl at his house within 24 hours. Parading her in front of his friends for the holidays. We had a planned NYE vacation that he is on with friends. And the craziest part is sober from alcohol. However I have a sneaky suspicion he is addicted to “prescribed” pain meds that he has been on for years. Anyway, I am having a hard time because I know logically that I should not spend another min on him in my mind. But I still find myself in pain for some reason … only thinking of the good moments. In truth there were an incredible about of demeaning horrible moments. Where he would scream at me… tell me I needed to do more to deserve respect ect ect. I just can’t believe with how much I’ve been through and overcome in my life and I’m letting this abusive man who told me he was in love with me and wanted to marry me and talked to my parents just 24 hours before he had another woman at his house and discarded me, get to me !!! I’m mad at myself but I still do feel heartbroken and I’m anxious it won’t go away. Thanks for hearing me. Just feeling my feelings and saying them out loud so I don’t drink.

Dee74

I hope you can get past this AJ. Exes are exes for a reason
Have you considered counselling maybe?

D

AJ143143

yes. I actually reached out on a platform yesterday where they pair you with the best therapist. It’s not super expensive either. I guess I was just like “really therapy over a 4 month relationship “… I am so mad I’m trauma bonded (it seems)… it’s annoying to be honest. I mean I have been through a pretty tough divorce … how in the world is this jerk getting so under my skin in such a short period of time. It seems silly to me. But I guess it’s my truth so I have to face it. Thank you ❤️

silentrun

Hugs to you! Do you think maybe you are using this ahole you dated as a distraction from thinking about you? If you're like me you were just used to being crapped on. That will be fixed the further you got into recovery. People like him will just make you walk. What helped was reading up on codependency. Watching some videos on gaslighting and scapegoating helped as well. This isn't about him. This is your time to be completely selfish and make it about you and your reactions. Whoever gets that guy will have your sympathy.

least

My dad told me once - It's better to be alone than to be treated badly. I strongly believe this. I know your feelings about the breakup are still raw and tender, but keep telling yourself that you're worth so much more than that cruel, dismissive treatment. Keep going, and stay sober, and know that the pain will eventually recede a little and you won't always feel like this.

AJ143143

I don’t think I’m using him as a distraction… I feel like my self care and self work are at an all time high. Everyday I …. 1) come here and participate. 2) take at least 10 min to pray. 3) walk/ run at least 5 miles (usually with my best friend). 4) I started pilates last week and went 3 times. 5) not drinking…. I am pretty aware and practicing saying no often. Cause I was always a yes person. I have been used to being **** on. Yes that is true. I was the one that essentially walked away in a way cause I didn’t leave work to go be with him… however I didn’t think it would end over that. I actually was in alanon and had a sponsor before so I was really into working through my codependency. I just feel this pain around the ending of this relationship. It’s the first person I let in since my divorce 2 years ago. I can’t figure out why he was the one I let in … or why it was so disturbing in how he treated me. For now I’m not dating cause I don’t trust myself.

AJ143143

thank you. ❤️ Yes I have gotten to the place I’d rather be alone than with him. It just hurts so much sometimes. Like I can feel my body letting go of the pain

sugarbear1

I'd write a pro and con list for dating him or for what he brings to the relationship (which seems to be nil).

ToughChoices

How others treat me is about them. Not about me.

When I'm treated like poop, it doesn't make me poop. I'm only responsible for part of the smelly mess if I tolerate, accept, beg for more, etc..... of the treatment (I've def done all that). Otherwise, it's best to leave the responsibility with the offender.

Your ex sounds like a person with very little emotional, relational, or spiritual intellect. He is not an appropriate match for you, and sensing that, he moved on. Your actions (not immediately dropping your plans to accommodate him) made it obvious that there was no way he was going to be able to manipulate you as he desired. The game isn't any fun for him if you aren't willing to play. Perhaps the quick ending was not the result of your faults/flaws (though we all have 'em!), but your relative emotional health and self-worth.

Reframe this, AJ. He got out because you were outgrowing him. The self-doubt and anxiety that plagues you is just a remnant of your old, unhealthy thought patterns, but you are growing through and past those patterns. They bear no current truth. You are becoming who you are meant to be, and this ex, having played his part in your development, is best left behind.

Praying real, actual prayers for your sweet spirit.
-TC

joe801

If I remember correctly, you had the flu? I hope you're feeling better.

I'd rather not give relationship advice but for a grown man to get upset over you not being able to visit that very moment because of your work responsibilities lacks mental clarity and discipline. Also, some guys look for any reason to end relationships because they're not emotionally attached or not emotionally developed enough to sit down and tell the truth. I would suggest staying far from such people.

I assume since you're anxious you believe the relationship outcome isn't final. Why?

Redempsean

Hang in there AJ.

Time will process all of this and you will learn, grow stronger from this experience. Pain really is the cornerstone of growth.

Keep doing what you are doing because it sounds really positive 🙂

AJ143143

that’s a really good idea. I might do that tonight

AJ143143

thank you TC for this spot on version and reframing. I think the hardest part for me is the length of time I spent healing from my ex husband made me somewhat of a dating recluse. I get asked out often (not bragging) but I never want to go. I’ve forced myself in the past to go … and I just felt so blah and disconnected that I never said yes to most second dates. When I met this person I had been single 2 years. He wasn’t crazy attractive … pretty average (which was fine with me)… I felt normal around him. For the first time in 2 years I felt a type of comfortable energy that made me want to do normal life things with him. Like grocery shopping, target runs. Keep in touch throughout our days. There was a banter and friendship that built and then a ton of chemistry followed. When he first started to devalue me (said I wasn’t virtuous ect) I looked at it as him just stating his worries. But it got more and more demeaning over the months. By the end he was yelling at me to use my brain… telling me he was more evolved then me and that if we break up all guys are going to want me for is sex. But by that point we had spent nearly everyday together for 4 months and I was devastated. So I’m not surprised how it ended … I heard weeks later through mutual friends that I’m not the first, second even third girl that they know of that’s had this exact experience. The building up to tare you down. I saw the signs but chose to ignore them because it felt so good to feel like I had my person to do life with again. I think when people are younger they have like a best friend they do life with. I did anyway. And as we get older we typically want that one person in a romantic way to do life with. It had just been 2 years of not having that and “doing the work”… and I’m bummed that’s still the type of man I attracted. I presume the old me would have hopped to it and tried to make up with him or please him. But this time i just sat back and allowed it to play out. I guess I’m just sad. It made me see just how much I miss having someone to share my life with. I am very blessed in the friend department… but I want to cuddle at night and have my hand held. 2 years was a long time just to run into this piece of work. Back to working on myself again ….

AJ143143

Hi. Yes I did have the flu. I’m still coughing a Ton but no more fever ect. Maybe he was looking for a way to end it… the night before he was singing my praises to me and said he can’t wait to plan a wedding together. So his switch flipped pretty fast. I suppose it did our whole relationship. This time I just didn’t hop to his demands. No I know it’s over. We live in a Very very small town. I know running into him is inevitable… I’m surprised it hasn’t happened yet. And in this small town we live less than 2 miles on a country rode from each other. I think I’m anxious because going from being together everyday for 4 months to just ending by him screaming at me and hanging up to dead silence feels nerve racking. I feel like the person I spent all this time with went cold turkey on me. I’ve been able to focus on moving, school, sobriety and I was so sick for a week that the weeks have seemingly passed. Now that I’m settled in my new condo … almost done with school … feeling better physically from that flu … it’s giving me time to kinda get a mental breakdown of what the bleep just happened. I feel like I was in emergency mode since we broke up. Now I’m really feeling it. If that makes sense.

AJ143143

thank you. I am trying. I’m thought I’d want to drink more but I honestly just want to sleep. I’m exhausted from my own brain thinking about him… all of it really

Redempsean

I know it's difficult and it sucks but It will ease then it will pass and you will be OK.


Sending prayers your way AJ

Worried14

Therapy sounds like a good idea AJ. Perhaps you're mourning the loss of your newly found hopes and dreams after a difficult divorce. You were down, you got all built up again, now that's been taken away and it's hard to let go.
Don't feel bad about feeling what you do, there's a good reason and a therapist will help you find out about it.

Cityboy

AJ, I imagine that a therapist would be good. Hopefully he/she can help you better understand why you feel the way you do, which can take the power out of it.

trailmix

I'm sorry you got hurt, but I do have a couple of suggestions that might help.

First is a list, just something quick and easy to glance at. It's all too easy to think about the "good times" and ruminate on them, harder to remember the bad times and the reason it got to this point (because hey, that's really uncomfortable).

So a list of all the miserable things he said and did, as they pop in to your head you can add to it (that gets it out of your head as well), something like:

- Unreliable for keeping dates
- Screamed at me a lot
- Was not respecting my boundaries at all, preferred to stomp on them
- Controlling
- Moody
- Insincere
- Said I was <insert names here>
- Said I was too sensitive

etc etc, you get the idea. Then refer to that list whenever you start remembering "the good times" - because were they really?

You wonder why you ended up with him. I'll hazard a guess, while you are working on codependency and saying no (boundaries), you mentioned you haven't been in a relationship for a while, so you haven't had time to really apply that and may have just stayed in your comfort zone. If nothing else, this was a good thing, now you know you need stronger boundaries and can work on that.

The other thing is, maybe google "intermittent reward". In these types of dysfunctional scenarios, it's a very real problem. One minute he's screaming at you, next day he's talking marriage.

silentrun

That's a great insight. It took me an entire year to earn my trust back after I first escaped the cycle of abusing myself with alcohol. Your self-care plan sounds phenomenal and that pilates will help heal your mind heal quicker.