Hugs to you! Do you think maybe you are using this ahole you dated as a distraction from thinking about you? If you're like me you were just used to being crapped on. That will be fixed the further you got into recovery. People like him will just make you walk. What helped was reading up on codependency. Watching some videos on gaslighting and scapegoating helped as well. This isn't about him. This is your time to be completely selfish and make it about you and your reactions. Whoever gets that guy will have your sympathy.