ToughChoices

I drank today. What a mess! My husband is out of town and furious. My kids love me (even my oldest, who knows the WHOLE story).

THIS must be my bottom. I can’t go down any further. I’m so sorry.

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back here TC.

Many of us faltered a time or two.

Don't beat yourself up - you still have the capacity to be sober forever.....
but don't shy from looking at what happened either.

It's important to think about why you drank. What were the factors?

And then it's even more important to look at your recovery action plan - what could you have done instead?
what could you add now that might help next time you sail into a perfect storm?

what can you add to what you've been doing?

D

Hevyn

TC - Now you'll be even more determined to get free. It's never going to be an answer to anything.
I'm glad you posted about it. We're all with you.

advbike

Oh my gosh TC, so sorry. Big hug. What happened?

If you get right back on the wagon it won't do any damage other than mental. You will probably have to resist further cravings, but they will quickly pass. Call it a slip and don't have any more. Once we consider ourselves to have relapsed it's easy to justify more. I know that's mental gymnastics but it can work as a last ditch strategy. Please don't drink more on the justification that it doesn't matter at this point.

ToughChoices

I'm here. I'm back. I'm sober.

I thought I was ok. I honestly got my 9 month chip and drank the morning after. Because I thought I was "better/bigger/different" than this particular problem. But I'm not.

I'm just a regular person with a common problem. I've been going to AA, but I think the answer to true sobriety lies in my approach. I need to jump in with both feet, not mess around splashing in the shallow end. It isn't a program for "other people" - it's a program for me.

I saw an opportunity to drink without consequences, and my ego said "You're fine. Alcohol was never your primary problem, anyway."

I am not fine. And I am totally unwilling to jump back into the gaping black hole that I used to live in.

So, I am here. Typing. I spoke to my best friend and my sponsor. Told them the whole, ugly story.

I will be ok. I am committed to being sober. I am committed to recovery. I'm just really messy and full of myself in unhelpful ways.

Dee74

a lot of us wish that some time away from alcohol will fix us - but if you're a drinker like me, there is no fix...ever.
Abstinence is not control.

There's not really a situation with no consequences either. Even of you could make it so that noone else ever found out, we know and that ensuing shame and guilt and regret is self destructive.

the great joy tho is when we abandon notions of ever drinking again, a brand new life presents itself.
I know which life I want...and I think that's the life you want too

D

Steely

We've all done it TC.

Sounds like you jumped on it quickly and now back on track.

Way to go.

fishkiller

saw an opportunity to drink without consequences, and my ego said "You're fine. Alcohol was never your primary problem, anyway."

Like Dee said,there is no such thing. As you found out.
The AV won that battle but you can dig in and win the war.
The only thing that got me this far was taking the drinking option off the table completely.

I could grab a case of beer today and drink the whole thing and noone would be mad at me. Noone knew how bad a place I was in. Noone. EXCEPT ME.
I am who I am accountable to.

We have to be accountable to ourselves when the AV comes calling.
Hey LETS DRINK! NOONE WILL KNOW!!
BS! I will know.
I Don't Drink
No Matter What

You can do it

originalname

if you drank morning after it sounds like you keep alcohol in the house? get it out! either way also consider that morning drinking isn’t healthy for anyone - alcoholics or not. That temptation could have been a clear sign it was the AV talking

Alpine

I have definitely been there and Mr. A travels a lot so I thought too it was a "perfect" time to drink. What a big lie that was/is. I am happy you are back and just run that tape forward..

VikingGF

It’s just good to see you here so quickly, the only direction is forward. My last relapse (I like avbike’s suggestion in your situation) was a reason for my full and unwavering commitment to never drink alcohol again.

Learn from this experience and tighten up your recovery plan, you can do this.

novips

Please keep an open mind about the possibility that you may be the type of alcoholic who can only stay sober by fully committing to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am one of those types and it is only by the grace of God that I didn't die or kill someone (or worse) in the course of the numerous relapses I endured before I figured that out. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.

ToughChoices

I don’t keep alcohol in the house. That would be very hard for me. I went to the store after dropping my kids off at school to pick up some supplies for the house. Paper towels, tape, etc….I’ve been simmering potpourri on the stove lately, and I purchased some cinnamon sticks, lemons, oranges, and some citrus extracts to add my smell-good recipe. The extracts were 40% alcohol.

I knew that. But I thought I wouldn’t be tempted. Or that if I was tempted (seriously, only a REAL alcoholic would want to drink that), I’d be home and safe and no one would know. You can see how my AV worked its cunning magic in my head. A little subtle push at a time until I was doing EXACTLY what I don’t want to do.

I go to 3-4 AA meetings each week, and I have a sponsor. I’ve worked the 12 steps, and I continue to find new meaning in them. I’m learning. I’m trying.

But Holy Moly! I think I never, deep down, REALLY believed I was actually an alcoholic. I came to recovery because I had a problem with prescription painkillers. I knew that I shouldn’t drink, but I didn’t understand how my addiction could grow, even when I wasn’t feeding it my drug of choice.

My ego was just doing pushups, waiting for the right time to pounce. All while I was reading the Big Book. Because acceptance is required for change to occur.

I am broken and ashamed. This is me.

I’m ready to change.

Scott2295

At some point we all realize that we can never drink again. Not one drink. It sounds like you've reached that point. The trick for me was to keep that realization fresh as it has a tendency to fade. Maybe that's what happened to you this time. The bad memories faded and you thought that you could have that drink and it would be ok. It wasn't. Use this as another sober building block. For me sobriety was a process. One that took a long time for me. However, I am here sober for over a year. You can do it too. Being here on SR everyday helps keep that memory fresh.

Free2bme888

we see your light, TC, the crack -not so much.

i confused abstinence with control, and I too, thought I wasn’t REALLY one of THEM.

oh my, I dappled here, but I am sooooo lucky my soul escaped after 26 months. Of hell, of self hatred, of sneaking, gulping, topping off bottles with water, hiding, forgetting, feeling sick, living a lie. Fun? No, not at all.

Glad it didn’t take you 26 months, TC

Anna

TC, I'm sorry you drank but glad to see that you are back here and working on yourself. Be kind to yourself and focus on recovery and you'll be able to get through this.

D122y

I have been clean for a bit and I still get tempted.

I do a shot of apple cider vinegar periodically and it reminds me of doing shots of booze.

I hear it is good for me and since doing it I do feel a bit better physically.

Some folks say this is wrong, others would say who cares.

Some folks attend various meetings or therapy sessions to stay clean and they still relapse.

Bottom line is sobriety must be an individual thing.

We had oxycontin left over in the cupboard, I threw them out.

All I know is if I relapse, like I did hundreds of times over the years, I will feel so depressed/shameful/sick/anxious etc etc.

For what? To be drugged, slurring my words, euphoric for a short time.

It is because there is brain damage from my previous physical addiction. It will never go away.

Thanks for the therapy.

Steely

I'm glad your back TC.

You recognised it immediately and now your moving forward again. Best position to be in

SoberLeigh

Sorry to hear that you drank but very glad to see you back and recommitted to sobriety.

Accepting that we are alcoholics! completely incapable of drinking normally, is instrumental to our success. Seems that you have done that.

Being an alcoholic in recovery is nothing to be ashamed of. We are humans and none of us lack imperfections; alcoholism is ours; we deal with it and move forward in life with other imperfect humans. Walk with pride, ToughChoices; sobriety and recovery are huge accomplishments.

MrPL

Hi ToughChoices,

We ve all been there, and it’s not all lost.

Not sure if this applies to you, but looking back at my own mistakes I realise that even when I was sober before, the focus was always around drinking, because I was constantly thinking about not drinking, which in itself opened the possibility to drink.

I had to really explore life to get to a place where I rebuild my self, my true self this time, to the point I found meaning elsewhere and drinking became a “non-thing”.

The 9 months you had are also not lost,

My best wishes to you.

Mr P