DriGuy

Nine months was a very good start. But alcoholism is a life sentence. That is a fact, and we are still alcoholics even when we feel invulnerable, healthy, and rid our addiction. And this very freedom we worked so hard to achieve can also be fertile ground for our AV to tell us we are now OK to drink. And so we proceed with every intention of drinking in moderation like a normal person, not like the alcoholic that we "once were." Unfortunately, we will always be alcoholics, and believing we are cured is one of the most insidious pranks we can play on ourselves. This in not necessarily a matter of wanton dishonesty with self. It can also be a simple lack of understanding about our permanent condition and what we must do to achieve life long remission. We are never cured. The best we can do is stay in remission. Have at recovery one more time, and remember how easy it is to forget what you've learned. Best wishes for the future.

ToughChoices

A daily reprieve. That’s all I get. And that’s enough- a full and beautiful life is lived in those days.

I got worried about the future and forgetful of the past. But I can remember. I will not forget this.

D122y

I have been on this forum for nearly 8 years and I have never never never ever ever ever read a single solitary post that said...

I quit drinking...realized I could control it...decided to drink again...and now I am super normal and happy happy living my life as a normal drinker or whaterver.

It is not out there, unless the people that find this decide to never post again.

Booze and drugs are poison.

I just need to keep reminding myself so I don't fall into the promised guaranteed trap of relapse.

Thanks.

Hawkeye13

I relapsed more times than I can count.
Outcome never changed and was never good.
You are back, honest, and have learned something you can put towards your recovery.
Forgive yourself fully and move on

ToughChoices

The daily reading in the alcoholism forum yesterday was as follows:
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As Bill Sees It

Renew Your Effort, p. 68

"Though I know how hurt and sorry you must be after this slip, please do not worry about a temporary loss of your inner peace. As calmly as you can, just renew your effort in the A.A. program, especially those parts of it which have to do with meditation and self-analysis.

"Could I also suggest that you look at excessive guilt for what it is? Nothing but a sort of reverse pride. A decent regret for what has happened is fine. But guilt--no.

"Indeed, the slip could well have been brought about by unreasonable feelings of guilt because of other moral failures, so called. Surely, you ought to look into this possibility. Even here you should not blame yourself for failure; you can be penalized only for refusing to try for better things."

Letter, 1958
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I'm not sure that anything could have helped me as much as this did today. This reading and all of the wonderful, supportive words from my friends here at SR are giving me LIFE!

Recovery is my path. I just didn't realize how scary venturing off-trail would be.

I really only remember taking one drink. But I woke up many hours later and the entire day was gone. That's terrifying! And, apparently, quite common for alcoholics. Sober, sane TC would never drink like that. But all it took was one drink to turn me into a drunken, ridiculous TC. And THAT TC is a bad decision maker. I cannot give alcohol even an inch of my headspace. It will take everyone that I love, and it will kill me.

I will not allow it in. There is no room for alcohol in my life.

Recovery Plan Reboot:
*I'm going to research and add in SMART recovery strategies.
*I'm going to make a Big Plan.
*I'm going to wake up everyday in gratitude that I am here and loved and forgiven.
*I'm going to call my sponsor at least twice a week and continue with 4 meetings each week.
*I'm going to continue reading and posting on SR
*I'm going to pray for humility, because my ego is my worst enemy.
*I'm going to ask my therapist for some CBT techniques to put to use when a bizarre urge strikes.
*I'm going to remember the SEVERITY of my disease. It's ok to be weak. It's not ok to think I am strong enough to re-write the rules.

Failure sucks. But I've NEVER been more convinced of my desire to be FREE.

Thanks for understanding. You all are a lovely support system.

-TC

Anna

TC, your plan sounds very good. I'm glad you're taking action and looking after yourself.

Steely

Wonderful stuff ToughChoices

least

Take good care of yourself. Most of us have slipped on our. journey to recovery. What matters is that we start again and keep going.

KTB5000

TC,

Offering you so much love and support. Most of us have been where you were, we make mistakes, we learn from them and move on. Looks like you have a great plan! I relapsed on vanilla extract not too long ago, so definitely can relate. Also, I have been having some really strong urges this past month. I just moved into a new place and dealing with stressors more frequently. I would add to your list reaching out and talking to someone when you feel the urge to drink. This has really helped me. Another alcoholic would be ideal, I just call my mother for now. She reminds me that I am a pickle, and nothing good could come from drinking, no matter how much my twisted mind chooses to think.
Today, I choose to be uplifted...Earth, Wind & Fire made a beautiful song called "Keep Your Head to the Sky"

TC, the As Bills Sees It reading is spot on. I love reading your posts and grateful you are here! ((hugs))

<3

ToughChoices

Thanks again everyone!

I managed to fit in 3 meetings this weekend and spend some time reading/journaling. I’m sober and committed, but mourning the loss of my “perfect” record. Isn’t that crazy!?!?

I thought I could do recovery perfectly!!!

Because, it’s somewhat easy to say, “well, I’m only human,” but I think, deep down, I kinda thought I was more than that. I’ve always tried to be MORE, BETTER, PERFECT.

But, it turns out, I’m just me. When I get lonely or bored or scared I often want the feeling to go away. And alcohol does that. Yet, it makes the fear and boredom and loneliness circle back around x 10.

I will remember this. When I struggle, there is no shortcut. There is no escape from discomfort- it is simply part of life.

Today I pray for courage to walk through the discomfort. To meet it with understanding and assurance that I will be delivered. I do not need to run away (chemically). The only path is through.

SoberLeigh

You are doing well ToughChoices. The meetings and the journaling are great sobriety ‘workouts’; you are building those sober muscles.

Love your prayer at the end of your post.

Dee74

I know not everyone feels this way but for me the longer I'm in recovery the more it becomes about a default way of life rather than a day count?

Every day sober is a good one

D

ToughChoices

True, Dee.

I understand the value of “counting” sobriety, but it’s kind of tricky. I had 9 months. I made a mistake, so in my AA group I’m starting over. But I still HAVE those lovely 9 months. My kids have them. So do my friends and my husband.

I’m just renewing my commitment to this life. I’ll do that every day.

And that will be lovely.

Steely

You've got this TC. And great when it happens.

Faltering but determined steps out.

fishkiller

I understand the More, Better, Perfect. It is a big source of my anxiety.
It can be a huge burden.
I am still working on that even after almost 3 years but it's getting better.

We can analyze it to death but in the end the only thing that works 100% of the time is to Not Drink Today, No Matter What.

If we do that we can figure the other stuff out later.
My 1st year was just figuring out how not to drink. The just not today worked. There were times I thought I would explode but drinking was never an option.

My 2nd year was like, hm, I don't drink but what DO I do?
Lots of anxious moments and lots of ah ha moments.
Through it all the promise to Not Drink Today kept me on track even when I felt so far off track I did not know where I was at the time.
Year 3 is coming up soon and I expect it to be more of the same. Living the sober life. Becoming a better me.

You have and are doing massive amounts of The Work. All is needed now is to take that 1 option off the table forever.
No Matter What

DriGuy

^This

For me, the process had to be a behavior change, not an introspective search. Oddly, that only became clear to me after I stopped analyzing and focused on my behavior. I started having those sought after insights when I quit trying to have them. I was still thinking, but it was now entirely about planning to stay out of harm's way, avoiding drinking get-togethers, getting the alcohol out of the house... just these basic mechanical details, rather then heady thoughts.

But there was only one singular goal: Never drink, not ever, and under no circumstances. Does that sound to simple? "Keep it simple," is what they say, even if they might then go on and ignore that advice. It might not be easy, but it is simple, and very basic. No need to make a giant psychoanalytic case study out of it. Just don't drink, and it will come together. It's almost magical how that works.

ToughChoices

You are right, DriGuy. It requires commitment to that NEVER TODAY, no matter what. I did that reliably for a good while.

But all that it took for me to stumble was to allow my AV to suggest, so subtly, that alcohol wasn't my drug of choice. I've been clean from prescription pain meds since February of this year. I knew alcohol should be avoided, but I did not pay it the respect that it deserves. Combine that with bad timing (my spouse was travelling which tends to cause some loneliness on my end), and my old, desperate frame of mind screamed for relief. I put myself in a perfect storm because I underestimated the sneakiness of my AV and the strength of my emotions.

So I hope that others can hear this and learn. There must be NO tolerance of the AV. Mine is sneaky and selfish and extremely short-sighted.

But I am resilient and dedicated and a blessed child of God. I will better organize my tools.

Alcohol is one of many poisons for me. I'll treat it the way those with celiac's disease treat gluten, the way that those with peanut allergies treat Reese's cups. I will not consume poison. Others may eat, drink, and enjoy, but that is not the path for me. It just is what it is.

Up early this am to run with my 10 year-old. We did an easy 2 mile loop in the cold air, and it was beautiful. Today I'm working on some painting projects, running errands, and looking forward to a choir concert and a Big Book study tonight. I'm praying that my husband will be able to overcome his fear and anger with me. I would love for my path in life to walk next to his, but I've hurt him by slipping. I'm trying to give him some space to feel. It's hard to pray "only for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out," when I want something so much. It's hard to let go of my will.

SoberLeigh

How wonderful that you are able to run with your son, ToughChoices; I hope that it is something you can continue for years to come.

Being an alcoholic is a tough hand to be dealt but, as you know from your beautiful nine months of sobriety, we can turn the game around and win.

God is on your side; I have no doubt but that He desires a healthy and sober life for you, ToughChoices. Reliance on Him for strength is a brilliant part of your sober plan.

ToughChoices

Thank you, Leigh.

There are many that have been dealt MUCH tougher hands than me. But this certainly isn't the route I would have purposely chosen (I'll take alcoholism and drug addiction, behind door #1, Pat!)

I just HATE the pain that my family is feeling. I have been there. I have hurt like that, and it is terrible.

These cycles of trauma suck. I was injured deeply by someone's addiction, and it, ironically, hurt me enough to lead me back to the same set of behaviors that inflicted the original damage!!! Argh!!!

I just want it to end with me. I do not want to make the same set of choices as my addicted loved one. Thankfully, I am not a subconscious machine. I know better now, and I have the ability to choose differently.

On a positive note, we talked, and my husband told me that he loved me and gave me a hug. He's miserable with fear for the future, and I'm the last person that should be offering him guarantees, so some stuff is going to suck for a while. Maybe a long while. But I know my own heart and my own motives, and I know that I am resilient!!! I love my spouse, and I am grateful for him every day. He is a gift, and I will treat him as such.

As much as this setback hurts, I believe that my HP wouldn't allow me to break, unless he intended to set me properly. I was in need of some re-direction.

Prayer for today: Thank you for the mistakes that save me from greater pain. Help me to see humbling setbacks as the proper solution to push my harmful ego back in place. Your design is for my success, and You will intervene for my benefit. You delight when I walk down the right path.

I appreciate everyone who reads and responds to me here. It is so healing for me to write out feelings and be welcomed by others who understand and can contribute to my own understanding.

SoberLeigh

Your readers and responders appreciate YOU, ToughChoices. We walk this path together.