Lab

Hello All,
Its been awhile since I've been on because I thought I could "handle" casual drinking. Well, it became worse than before. It became something I looked forward to daily and now it may have ruined relationships. I get very loosed lipped after several drinks and the next day regret what I said or I don't even remember. I have gained weight, lost motivation, my memory is slipping really bad, and sometimes don't remember conversations I've had. I need to stay straight and stop this! I'm really scared, I feel I have lost myself. I guess I just need people to talk to that have been through this and keep me on the right path. I appreciate any and all advise.

UNITE4STRENGTH

Hiya. Are you quite young? Have you tried quitting many times before?

Lab

I am 42 years old. I have tried quitting completely a couple time and I am good for a few months. Then something will stress me out and I just have a couple drinks. Is a lot different now....I can put down up to 16 drinks in one evening, wake up the next day and be perfectly fine (and that scares me). Sometimes I don't remember conversations or worse, I say stuff I shouldn't, even though its true. I am taking it 1 day at time. I didn't drink last night, so tonight I will have urges and I'm trying to fight them. Thank you for responding!

tomls

For me, my sobriety had to become the most important thing in my life.

UNITE4STRENGTH

Yes, I hear you. I'm 41. I'm here after completing 14 months sober following rehab. Relapsed Aug 21st. Have handed my bank cards to a mate.

Anna

Welcome back, Lab.

I think it's important to have a plan for how you will stop drinking and stay sober.

We do understand how hard this is and we're here for you.

Lab

Thank you all so much. My fiancé tries to help me, but he doesn't understand the full struggle this really is. When I feel weak I will definingly be reaching out!

Hevyn

Hi Lab - I'm so happy you came back. I had the same experience (but I was a lot older). I had been sober 3 yrs. at one point, & without even giving it much thought I had a glass of wine with a new acquaintance. That set off a series of events that I still can't believe I allowed to happen. It was back to daily drinking & chaos. Took me a long time to get free again. I know I can never touch it.
You can do it, Lab. Posting here is very helpful because we all understand, like no one else can. It's so hard to describe to others.

TroubleAfoot

I can relate to the memory thing and it is scary. I had the same problem even though I wouldn't even be blacked out when it happened. I couldn't remember a lot of the conversations I had, when I was drunk, except for maybe the general gist of it. Sometimes those would involve a close friend confiding in me, about something deeply personal and, though I'd vaguely remember the topic of the conversation, I could not remember the details. I would feel like such a sh!tty friend when they would bring it up later and I had to fake my way through pretending that I did remember them.

I'm still worried that the many years of my drinking have done permanent damage to my memory. It's really bad. But I'm only 5 and a half months sober so I'm still hoping it gets better as healing slowly continues. Congrats on deciding to begin this fresh sober journey.

Lab

That's how I feel too, absolutely terrible not remembering important conversations....especially with my children. Next day I ask them a question and they say, "Mom, I already told you that". Talk about my heart breaking. I was talking to my fiancé's 17 year old daughter Saturday (I was drinking) and pretty sure I said some stuff I shouldn't have (but true) about the family. I can't take back what I've said, but I know there will be some problems now......alcohol has ruined so much for me. I don't understand why I keep going back.

gypsytears

Hi Lab. Do you have a recovery plan? Posting & reading here is great. Are you doing anything else like meetings or counseling?

dustyfox

Lab I hope you stop and decide to really focus on staying stopped. I am 5 moths sober after decades of drinking, posting here and reading others posts and stories have helped me to understand why I need to stop and how to stay stopped. Don't feel alone - we are all travelling the same path.

RecklessDrunk

An old friend of mine use to ask who he was speaking to when I answered the phone. A way of asking if i had been drinking. We use to joke that I was a different person after a few drinks and discuss some of the episodes referring to drunk me by a different first name. I would be like that idiot spilled ashes all over and burned my carpet. Somebody overhearing this may ask, who in the World is that? My friend would say that's reckless drunk after he has been drinking. They respond, sounds like you are talking about a different person. My friend explains, it is a different person!

That's why I can't moderate. I turn into that person and once in a while he may choose to moderate but I have no say over it once I pick up the first drink. I have no control over what I say, what I text, its not my car or drivers license or bank account anymore.

Many mornings I would go through my texts conversations and just swipe, delete, swipe, delete without reading anything. I just don't want to know what he wrote.

What finally broke this cycle of turning into this mad man was AA meetings early and often. My lawyer referred me to AA after drunk me got me arrested. I got completely overwhelmed with meetings and was fascinated by the big book. I saw my condition from a whole different angle. I had cravings and thought of a drink from time to time but I became so all in on the program it seemed easier to go right by the liquor store then to actually want to go buy drink. Like it says in the big book I recoiled from it like from a hot flame. Its like I couldn't bring myself to want to mess this recovery thing up.

VikingGF

Hi, Lab, Welcome back! Good for you not drinking today. We all know it's hard to make that decision to stop but it sounds like you're fed up. Better to stop for good now, so you can find yourself again. You can do it!!

Dee74

Welcome back Lab

If you can take away an acceptance that you and drinking are, and always will be a toxic mix, then maybe there's some good to come of it

The recommendations here for a plan is good advice
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

Lab

Thank you all so very much! I do not have a long term plan as of yet…taking it day by day. But, I didn’t drink today so that for sure is a step in the right direction. I will be on here a lot to keep myself focused. I normally drink I’m my garage, so I made sure I didn’t go out there this evening.

SouthernSober

Welcome back and keep coming back.

Dee74

I understand most people will initially have a default of going day by day...people feel bad enough after a relapse and plans imply a permanency that scares people... but I recommend at least reading the plan link, right now preferably but as soon as you can.

It could be the difference between another relapse, or not.

D

Lab

I will read it right now, thank you!

saoutchik

Good luck Lab!