cusper

I am in a spiral again. I swear I try to talk myself out of it but once I get like this I feel crazy. Along with being an alcoholic I am also a hypochondriac. There are a few times a year where I develop symptoms and then I just fixate on them and almost drive everyone around me crazy trying to get reassurance. I believe this is a form of OCD, my brother also has this but the content is different. It's at times like this when I wish I could take something to calm me down. I believe this is part of why I became an alcoholic because I am always on such high alert. I had a high stress childhood (chaotic alcoholic mother) and even after a ton of therapy it feels like I am in a low level feeling of being unsafe. And any aches or pains I have in my body I am convinced it is going to be life threatening. I am in such a state this week that I have completely lost my appetite. My sleep is fractured. Last night I dreamed that I drank at some party and that I had given up on being sober. The dream was so realistic that when I woke up and grabbed a drink of plain soda water, it tasted like Heineken! I feel like a wreck and I am in Canada so this weekend is Thanksgiving and I am hosting. I should be cleaning for our guests tomorrow but I keep fixating on my symptoms. I am contemplating going to a walk in clinic but I am telling you with covid the wait times are several hours. I already think they think I am a nutcase. I was doing so well for a while and now I feel like I am falling back into bad mental patterns.

biminiblue

I'm sorry you're in a rough patch, but it will get better if you keep believing it will and work on whatever particular issues you are having. There is a lot of online help for anxiety etc. I got a lot out of breathing exercises, healthy nutrition, and outdoor walking daily.

Have you read through the three-part PAWS thread here? I think you would find a lot of reassurance.

"For those tortured by PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) and who fear they might go mad"
Here's Part 1
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ht-go-mad.html (For those tortured by PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) and who fear they might go mad)

Part 2
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-2-a.html (For those tortured by PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) and who fear they might go mad Part 2)

Part 3
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-3-a.html (For those tortured by PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) and who fear they might go mad Part 3)

cusper

Thank you Biminiblue for writing to me so quickly. I am going to read the links. I do feel like I am going a bit mad right now. I don't know how I managed to get so fragile. I do walk a lot because I have 2 dogs that need walking. My nutrition is ok, I have managed to lose 43 pounds since February from eating whole foods. However, from my memory of what I went through when I quit drinking the last time, I did in fact have PAWS for an entire year. Again thank you. I am going to go read those now.

biminiblue

It's not easy, but you will make it, honest. Just don't pick up a drink and you've done it right. All the trauma and past stuff will become less scary with time. I have a lot of past trauma too. I can't change the past, but I can stop letting it ruin my day today.

Like Dee always says, "It doesn't have to be graceful."

cusper

Hey Bimini, hahah it is most certainly not graceful here. I won't drink. It will start me back down the same neuropathways and it would be like going through this all over again. I cannot begin at square one again.

biminiblue

Exactly right.

Cusper I think all of us have moments where our minds get away from us. I have to careful all the time to not go down the rabbit hole of worry and fear. It's a daily mindful Practice.

Practice. Practice. Practice.

Anna

9 1/2 months of sobriety is fantastic so take a moment to pat yourself on the back. And, so is losing 43 pounds a great achievement. I tend to always be too hard on myself and maybe you're doing the same thing. I deal with anxiety too and easily get caught up in the downward spiral of negative thoughts. It's awful when it happens. Maybe doing some prep for your Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow would help to distract you? Does music help you at all? Or maybe some mindless television?

CBS62

Cusper I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have PAWS and serious health anxiety. My sober date must be about yours as I am 10 months sober this coming October 17th. I catastrophise every little symptom. I have been to so many docs and had lots of tests done and they can't find anything except that I do have something going on like GERD or esophagitis and have to have an Endoscopy done. They can't do it until Nov. 1st so I wait. Trying not to freak out in the mean time. Apparently GERD is common for drinkers. But I have or had lots of physical and emotional PAWS symptoms. The most annoying and persistent one is the rocking/boaty/dizziness. I had some windows from it for a few months but it is back again.

As for your anxiety I find walks help me or any exercise. I did yoga today because it is raining. Just know you are not alone and you will get better. Stay strong and don't pick up.

CBS62

Cusper join us on the PAWS thread. There are some active people that are a few months ahead of that are very encouraging about the healing.

cusper

Thank you Anna, I am very happy I am here rather than there. If I look at a picture of me when I quit as to now- I do look much healthier. After I posted on here I looked at my previous threads to when I quit the time before and funnily enough I was saying the same thing at the same point of sobriety. I was struggling with crippling anxiety. Somehow that helped to read that as well. After that I got busy and started working on the stuffing and then spoke with my neighbours for a bit. I had noticed that while I was speaking with them I was not worrying about every little sensation I was feeling in my body. Then we cleaned the kitchen and put on Seinfeld. I do feel a bit better. Thank you for writing to me.

cusper

Hi CBS62! You are 8 days ahead of me! Amazing. Health anxiety and ocd are the worst. I don't know how old you are but GERD is very common for sure. I definitely had GERD as well. However because I swopped the booze for junk food after quitting alcohol, the GERD actually got much worse and was prediabetic. I swear at about 3 months sober I had every test imaginable and the dr.s I think were getting fed up. At one point I was convinced my liver was ruined. Yes! The dizziness is the most disconcerting feeling. I get that sometimes as well. I hope your Endoscopy goes smoothly. I really appreciate you writing to me and I am sorry you are going through this anxiety. I would not wish it on anyone. Thank you for telling me about the PAWS group. I am going to go find it now.

Dee74

Hi Cusper

the way I got through my health anxiety was a complete check up with my Doctor. Obviously thats tricky to arrange on a long weekend, but I would very strongly suggest no more Dr Google - that just ramps up your anxiety.

Try and enjoy the weekend, good friends, and family

D

cusper

Hi Dee, yes I am going to make an appt. with my dr. Thing is I went quite a few times 6 months ago (I was 3 months sober then) and got scans done and bloodwork done and everything you could get done -tested. However now I think that I have avoided the dentist and the optometrist so I have to go there as well. Ah the things I ignored as a drinking person. The problem is, once I have gotten checked out on some symptoms.... new ones crop up and then I go back for more... I did get busy cleaning the house and was able to talk with some friends and I noticed when I was around people I felt perfectly fine. It's just bedtime when I start focusing on what could be wrong and then the symptoms feel exacerbated. And of course it's at night when everyone is asleep when I feel like I can't talk with anyone. I know most of this is more of my GAD that I have had forever. I also know that I am going to have to learn some techniques to be able to calm myself down.

Evoo

I also struggle with health anxiety! It was horrible. It drove so much of my alcoholism for years. Some strategies that have really helped me:

• Seeing a doctor and being 100 percent honest with them. It took a week in the hospital for me to finally do this (and it turned out I had been ignoring uncontrolled IBD). You think that would’ve wrecked me, but having a diagnosis, a team and treatment plan did so much to help!!
• Therapy. I used to think nothing but alcohol could help with anxiety, but I was very mistaken. Alcohol just kicks the can down the road and makes the anxiety 1000x worse. I’ve learned new strategies for anxiety that don’t involve substances or obsessive replacement behavior. Learning to externalize my anxiety, practice mindfulness and meditation, these things helped me so much.

Congrats on your time sober and keep it up!

cusper

Hi Evoo! Oh I am so sorry you had to spend a week in the hospital. And it is so good that you have found help for IBD. That's a tricky diagnosis. My mom has that and I feel bad that she suffers so much. My doctor is up to speed on everything. In fact I think she knows that I am a bit of a headcase so I am sure she is a bit suspicious when I go in. However she is pleased that I have dropped 43 pounds. I am going to get a therapist. We didn't have benefits until just recently so I am sure a couple of sessions can be covered. Therapy has been one of the best things in my life. Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate you writing to me.