freedomfries

So this will just be dismissed as mental illness but it's really not. Someone put audio implants in my ears and I've been hearing voices all day and it's driving me mad. This started a few years ago. It used to be just after I used meth then it started happening when I was withdrawing from alcohol but now it's every so often, sometimes every day, sometimes more spread out.

But everytime the voices start I wish I wasn't on Antabuse. And I promise myself I'll stop taking it. Then the voices let up for a few days and I start taking it again.

I wish I could black out and pass out. It wouldn't make anything better but that's how I feel right now. Or get drunk enough to work up the courage to walk to the train tracks and kill myself.

The people behind this won't stop until I commit suicide. But I don't want to do that to my parents. I've put them through a lot already. So I don't know.

I feel like today they just won't ever stop. They'd normally have quietened down by now but it's been eight hours since they started. They're not directly talking to me right now, it's just an audio file left on loop. I wish it would stop.

I feel like I should stop taking the Antabuse, buy a litre of mouthwash (the local off licence won't sell me alcohol) and just have it ready for when the voices start up (that's if they stop this time which I don't think they will).

biminiblue

You need to get in right away and get some help.

You don't have audio devices implanted, FF.


Call the ambulance.

freedomfries

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It's not an emergency situation. It happens a lot. It's been worse before and my sister took me to the psych ward. But it's really not a mental illness thing. I know it seems similar to what people who do have psychotic episodes experience but that's not what's happening. At any rate I'm on an anti psychotic so if it was just in my head the anti psychotic would stop it.

If I went to the psych ward, there's nothing they could do about it. I just have to wait for it to stop. I'm just worried it won't.

The Antabuse takes a week to leave your system so at least I'm not at any risk of drinking tonight. I wish I could though.

advbike

I feel for you man. Some research indicates there can be issues from that med, but you need it to stay sober. And that is your most critical priority. So the only thing I can think of is you have to get far enough in your sobriety to get to where you can get by with a lower dose. I'm not a doctor though - this is what you should be discussing with all of your doctors. I am so glad you're not drinking FreedomFries.

Anna

FF, I hope that you contact the doctor who prescribed the Antabuse and tell him what's happening.

ScottFromWI

So perhaps you could just call them instead and explain the situation and see what they suggest. The issues you describe are not something you will find answers for on a sobriety forum i don't think. Another option would be to print out your original post and show it to a doctor at the ER and see what they say.

freedomfries

[QUOTE=ScottFromWIThe issues you describe are not something you will find answers for on a sobriety forum i don't think. [/QUOTE]

Yeah I know. I guess I just thought someone could relate to that feeling of wishing they could just drink when they get overwhelmed. It'd be nice to hear from someone who felt like that sometimes.
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doggonecarl

I imagine everyone who has drank after trying to quit can relate.

ScottFromWI

I felt that way all the time, I think most addicts do at some point. Staying sober is very important for you and it's a good thing that you are doing so - but honestly it sounds like the issues you are having are indeed an emergency even though you may not realize it. Some of the things you have shared are alarming and people are reacting accordingly - and in the interest of your own safety people are reacting to that first and foremost.

Obladi

That you continue to hear voices despite taking medication is no proof of anything - aside from that the particular medication you are taking (or the way you are taking it) is not effective. This is something you definitely want to talk over with a physician.
I feel that way sometimes. It's taken a lot of practice to learn to live through that discomfort. I guess for me it's been something of a "reframing." Rather than wishing I could drink or wishing that feeling would just go away, I've accepted that sometimes it just be that way. You know?

Even so, I agree with the others that what you are experiencing is an emergency. Or maybe an emergency in the making. Either way, please reach out to people in your "real world" and let them know what's happening.

Steely

My daughter feels similar FF and is currently in hospital. She doesn't believe it's mental illness either. The thoughts you are having are so very compelling, and feel so real to you, it is the same for her.

At the moment, she hates me for being disbelieving. I believe it is real to her, and so very frightening. I am very sad and frightened for her, but very grateful that she is in the hospital getting it sorted.

I really do think you should talk to your doctors about what is happening FF, too difficult to carry this alone. And you don't have too. Please reach out for help.

- Steely. Mother of child who feels the same. You are not alone.

We're on your side Freedom.

Scd619x

Having actually read your post I'm glad that you don't think it is the antabuse that is causing the voices as there would be no way that would be the case. Like with anti-depressants and many other medications, there may be an anti-pschotic that would work better for you than the one you are taking so i would speak to your doctor or support about that. I hope you get a break. Give the mouthwash a miss that's not s good idea

Dee74

I’m sorry you’re still hearing the voices FF.

There is a way you could know for sure whether you really have implants or this is your illness - tell your psych doctor about it.

That’s an area I have no expertise in - but drinking to make the voices go away...that I know is not an effective treatment, man.

If it was effective alcohol, or hand sanitizers or mouthwash, would all be treated like medicine- and they’re not.

I know it’s scary to have to admit these things and maybe end up back in hospital and on meds you don’t want to be on.

But sometimes we have to do stuff we don’t want to do because we know it’s the only way out of a continuing cycle.

maybe, in the long run, asking for help with this from a professional is the best thing to do for your own good?

D

advbike

Not true. It's possible. The case they cite refers to auditory hallucinations.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5290718/


I'm not suggesting in any way that he stop taking it, because he needs it to stay sober, but he needs to discuss his situation with his doctors.

BeABetterMan

Hey FF. I'm very happy you posted today. I'm glad you're talking about this instead of dealing with it all yourself.

As you know, I take anatabuse and I'm a big proponent of it. But I want to talk about something else.

So these implants you think are in your ears. Will you admit that it is possible that there are implants, but that it is possible that there are not implants in your ear? I think you've stated before you suffer from schizophrenia. Maybe you could take a minute and look up some of the symptoms of it. Also maybe look at some of your old posts. There isn't any good reason for someone to put implants in your ears. If they had that capability and wanted you dead they probably could have chosen another way. I'd just ask you to entertain the idea that this could be a symptom of your illness. I imagine that voices in your head is an awful experience to endure. And I imagine the thought of drowning those voices is appealing, but you've been down that road before. You know where it leads. It's not good.

And if you would entertain me a little more, another thought experiment. When you are sober and have the television or stereo on, you can hear them, right? Now what if you get drunk? Can you hear the tv and stereo still? The answer is yes. You don't lose the ability to hear when drunk. So then, if you can hear voices as a result of implants in your ears when you're sober. Then why can't you hear them while you are drunk? They would still be producing audio. So you should be able to hear them right? But you can't. The answer I hope is clear to you that you are suffering from your illness and it is making the voices seem real. And being drunk quiets your illness, so the voices go away. Alcohol doesn't turn off electric devices. This is all important because you are right to say the alcohol will quiet the voices temporarily. But you are smart enough to know then that the voices are not being produced by an audio device implanted in your head (for no apparent reason).

So I think probably the best advice would be to contact your psych doctor or hospital as soon as you can to see if you can get some relief in way that doesn't jeopardize your life like alcohol does. A lot of people care about you. Please keep fighting the good fight.

anxiousrock

I feel like this right now. I'm so overwhelmed I just cried in the shower for like half an hour. I NEVER do this. I had a terrible week, and now I have to work 2 overnights in a row.
I am exhausted, anxious, stressed, and all around just DONE with everything.
I wish 100% I could drink right now. It would be so easy.

But, we both know alcohol makes things worse.

freedomfries

Thanks for your replies everyone. A lot to think about that.

I eventually got to sleep last night and when I woke up the voices were gone. They're still quiet. I think I can kind of hear them but not really.

I took the Antabuse this morning. Not sure that was a good idea. I really want to stay sober though. Drinking never lands me anywhere good.

Hopefully they'll stay quiet today but I'm not too optimistic.

Forwards

Hi Freedomfries,

I feel for you here. We can't give medical advice but when I was on and off alcohol I suffered auditory hallucinations, leading to a serious mental health diagnosis. I still suffer from some effects two years later and maybe always will but things are gradually getting better for me.

I know it's tough but try to do the right thing one day at a time, talk to your mental health team (mine are brilliant), and give it time. Make sure you have their emergency number in your phone in case the suicidal thoughts become overwhelming. Do you have an assigned nurse? If so, maybe check in with him / her a bit more often and try to build a relationship. One particular nurse pretty much saved me.

All the best, Forwards.

BeABetterMan

I mean, all I can say is I’m so happy. It is just unbelievable how hard it is to battle addiction. It really takes all that I have as a person. All of my failures and successes. Everything to stay sober. But then to compound it with what you’re going through my friend, there should be some sort of medal you win for just pure effort. I am so happy that you got some relief.

FF, I really don’t think it’s the Antabuse and I think you’re right to continue taking it. I also think you were very wise to post here when you were struggling. I think both actions were the exact right things to do in those moments and I think it shows a lot of growth and progress. Please take the wins and keep them in a safe place for the next time you feel shaky that you are not only capable of but likely to do the right things when challenged.

freedomfries

I don't really trust my assigned nurse. But I have his number to contact if I need meds changed and I won't see the psychiatrist for a while.

Thanks for your kind words.