biminiblue

I did 90 in 90. Well, more like 125 meetings in 90 days.

It does make a big difference.

Dee74

I’m glad to have you sound like you have a little more hope KTB.

Getting sober and staying sober was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but looking back the fear of doing it was greater than the event.

I decided that I faced pain and misery everyday as a drinker...I could face a few days more in order to be free of this thing for good...so I held on...

I had absolutely no confidence in myself when I quit - I had hundreds of relapses behind me and J was drinking all day every day....but I knew I had to try.

With help and support and my very sincere desire to change...I changed.
I’m coming into 14 years sober soon (6th April 2007).

If I can do it, you can

D

KTB5000

Well, I went to a few virtual meetings today and actually spoke with someome one-on-one that helped me a lot today going through the Big Book and steps. I seem to have a better outlook and dont feel the unbearable loneliness that I was experiencing when I started this post. Thank you.

Mizz

Good!
Take it one moment at a time right now. Getting sober is hard work and it takes a lot of effort just to stay in the moment and do the next best thing. Its good you are taking steps in a different direction.

Steely

That's great news KTB.

Connection is so important in the early days.

JustJohn

Look into Rational Recovery - There are forums right here at SR that can help you learn about it. Read the AVRT Sticky: Permanent Abstinence Based Recovery

I have a huge problem with "powerlessness" and disease concept of alcohol addiction. Nothing against AA - but it did not work for me. I had to do something different.

It was always ME that decided to take that first drink - not some mysterious entity - it was always ME. It was me that got dressed, found my wallet and car keys, drove to the liquor store, parked the car, walked inside, purchased the booze, drove home, cracked the seal and poured the alcohol down my own throat.

Look at all the individual actions that have to be taken to consume alcohol. Look at all the opportunities to make a different decision. We have the power to choose. Choose to not take that first drink.

Hang in there KTB - you can and will get through this.

BeABetterMan

I was thinking about you KTB so I logged on to let you know there is hope. Just commit to one stinking meeting a day. Eventually you might get like me and really get to enjoy the people in the rooms. It's where I get centered. You can do it KTB. Some of us that have struggled the hardest and been so hopeless can end up being great services to others. Picture yourself recovered. Please stick with it and keep posting especially in the first 30 days or so. Be honest, talk your talk here and we'll try to keep you pointed in the right direction. Alcoholism is a disease of isolation. Alone we are powerless. We need each other.

least

I once thought I was hopeless but that wasn't true. I had a little bit of hope and a lot of support, mostly from the members here.

Have faith that you can do this.

Oh, also, practice gratitude every day. That will go a long way in strengthening your sobriety.

KTB5000

Thank you I appreciate all the encouragement. I really do. My day is not over but I have been doing much needed clear(er) thinking & soul-searching today. I have a lot to sort out in my life. The alcohol was a solution to merely be oblivious to these problems and the chaos.
I started step work today with a sponsor and have homework to do. Overall, Im glad I followed through and called the sponsor when he offered his time. I know it'll take small steps; even some leaps to get back on track.
I looked at the AVRT forum and appreciate the method that is outlined there as well. I will keep at it and even though my nerves feel shattered - I feel much stronger today. Thanks to SR and everyone's support. There are really so many carings folks in this community.

EndGameNYC

It's good that you reached out, that you're starting to put together a plan, that you've identified some things you want to change.

We don't get that kind of support when we isolate ourselves from people who want to help us.

I wasted my time -- sometimes tortured myself -- with a lot of self-criticism and with projecting my fears onto the rest of the world. The world always won.

I didn't like asking for help. There were a whole bunch of things I told myself that I can't do. Who wants to go through the process of getting sober, especially when we present it as the worst thing we could possibly do to ourselves? Ever?

You spend time trying to give yourself a guarantee that a range of treatments and interventions haven't or won't work based on the fact that you made an honest effort to get better? Based on the fact that you're skeptical? Based on your predictions of possible outcomes? It sounds as though this may be a point of resistance for you. Maybe not.

For now, just stick around and do what you need to do to stop drinking. If it's what you want, you can figure out everything else later on. Just like the rest of us.

BeABetterMan

This is a great thread. You’re getting a lot of good advice from some of our most insightful members.

DriGuy

Have a good journey. The break from alcohol was an exciting and wonderful part of the journey, but sorting through the chaos and putting everything back together is exactly like you put it, "small steps; even some leaps." For me it was mostly small steps, but at the time, they seemed like leaps, so there was always something that kept me going forward. Maybe, but I'm not sure, the big leap came without me actually being engaged with it at the time. One day, I just took note of how good my life was. How did that happen? Mostly small steps, I think.

JustJohn

Hey KTB - how are you doing? Lots of folks thinking about you.

KTB5000

Thank you for your insight. I definitely have a lot of past destructive thinking habits that I am willing to move on from. I didnt realize I was so stubborn until I looked at myself this past week and saw that my life has practically been exactly the same over the decades. My relationships, same. My daily workout routine, same. My work habits living habits, spending habits, same. Basically, my life has revolved around getting and staying drunken in a near stupor but in such a way where I can stay at home as much possible to avoid jail and embarrassment. And to add, I would include intense workouts in the mornings to overcompensate to the outside world that Im a healthy individual. I never really looked at the Why? I just got very accustomed to it (or, thought I was getting away with it).

I am aware my drinking lifestyle is cruelly selfish and self-centered.
I am aware that I have been living, not for myself or my family, or my Higher Power, though I tricked myself into believe it was ok. In reality, I have fashioned my life and played the victim for decades for one reason -- so I could drink.
Its a tough pill to swallow. I just looked around my dads house the other day and noticed my clothes were in trash bags and still in trash bags because I didnt have anywhere to put them. My SO and I were both drunken and fighting, so I had been going back and forth between our place and my dads. The arguments did not involve any abuse -- just me getting pissed off and threatening to leave him for good.

I have saved up ample money to get my own place but then the 2nd realization dawned on me. I am terrified and have been terrified my entire adult life to live alone -- because of my alcoholism. I imagine and 'future trip' that my drinking habits would cause me to lose everything and I'll be a failure with no one to blame except myself.

I know this is a pathetic life that Im living. I know my kids deserve a better, SOBER mom. I know i 'tried' to overcompensate with external things to hide this horrible side of my self. I want it all to stop and I'm willing to any treatment/intervention to end this chaos. Yes, the alcoholic in me is skeptical, but Im willing to change anything at this point just for the sake of stopping the INSANITY.

KTB5000

I am humbled by the outpour of support on SR. It really helps to be able to talk to people that can relate and hear advice. It fills me with a hope that I haven't been able to find anywhere else. Thank you.

Anna

I'm glad you're feeling better. Early recovery can seem overwhelming, but taking small steps and focusing on accomplishing something each day will help to get you through. And, yeah, looking at who we really are can be pretty tough. I never believed I was a selfish person until I stopped drinking, and then I saw it. It's daunting to have your beliefs about yourself shaken up, but it's part of the recovery process. You can do this. And, you'll be just fine living on your own.

KTB5000

Thanks Anna, im at my telework job for the first day back sober...work kinda a big trigger for me...I'm practicing tools I learned here though to help me get through my day..target practice on my AV thoughts as they try and seep in

EndGameNYC

I'm reluctant to quote anything more than that.

You're doing a number on yourself. I have a feeling that this is not new. This may be the cutting edge for you.

This can be an opportunity to learn to protect and care for yourself, to have compassion for who you are and who you want to be, and to be kind while you're doing it.

You've been through enough, and the alternative really sucks.

anxiousrock

In AA, did you have a sponsor and work and do all 12 steps? If not, give it another try as that is how it works. Spending $250 seems a bit high for something like counseling, and AA is free. But, I'm cheap haha.

Kdon853

It all starts with not drinking no matter what.it’s hard in the beginning the first 6 months were one of the toughest times of my life. You get through it. AA saved my life but the program did not come to me right away it’s a journey. I wanted that white light experience wouldn’t that be easy. Didn’t happen. I have a sponsor I’ve done the steps and life got better.
I’ve said it here before a lot of times in the first 6 months , my only accomplishment was not drinking that day. Keep it simple in the beginning.