I Need Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
I Need Help
Every morning when I wake up I feel intense dread and fear. I fall to my knees and pray to God to deliver from this nightmare that I play on repeat every day. Im on a serious binge for the past week or weeks I should say. I'm running and running from the voices and thoughts and terrified to face reality. I don't want to lose but I know I am a loser in this state. I really need help. No, I do not have a plan. I don't know what to do at this point my head is in a whirlpool. I'm feeling hopeless and helpless and without strength or insight. I have tried before and ending up back out. I am considering hypnotherapy for $250 session because regular therapy, medications, AA online, SR has not worked long-term for me. I have a tendency to be skeptical about most things and therefore haven't changed much over the past 30 years of drinking. I pretty much have the same routine for the past 30 years! I have never found a sponsor that wasn't too booked up with sponsees to guide me through the steps. I am a failure with this Sobriety and listen to all of you old-timers and I want what you have but am afraid that my 'thinking' is severely flawed in someway. The first few days of sobriety are hard and I feel so alone in some sense that i don't even understand. I reaching out because im lost again this morning and I need your help. Starting over is so damn painful!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Starting over is so damn painful!
You have to want to save yourself first. Plenty of people have found the solution, and it's out there for you too. There is a certain amount of discomfort and it sounds like you're tired of the craziness. We've all been there.
Do one thing today to assure that you won't drink tonight. What is that? Go to another meeting? Call the hospital? We don't know. Save yourself, KTB. Only you have the power to stop putting alcohol in your own mouth, right?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back KTB, sorry to hear that you are still struggling. You will find many here on SR who have been exactly where you are now, me being one of them.
The good news is that there is a way out of the cycle. The hard news is that there's no magic way to get out of it without work and change on your part. Whether it's hypnosis or AA or rehab, the main thing that needs to change is you. I have been skeptical of many things in my life too, but you cannot be when it comes to getting sober. Whatever method or plan you might choose, you have to be unquestionably committed to it and it has to be the top priority over anything else in your life - especially right now. Think of it this way though- could anything possibly be harder or more miserable than what you are doing right now? I felt the same way when I finally quit - I knew that what I was doing was a one way ticket to my deathbed, and I needed to change.
We all do understand and I'm glad you reached out. Spending some time here could really help you, as could spending time with any local recovery resource you can find. If you are worried about withdrawals don't hesitate to seek medical help too, it's a very legitimate thing to ask your doc about and they have seen it many times.
The good news is that there is a way out of the cycle. The hard news is that there's no magic way to get out of it without work and change on your part. Whether it's hypnosis or AA or rehab, the main thing that needs to change is you. I have been skeptical of many things in my life too, but you cannot be when it comes to getting sober. Whatever method or plan you might choose, you have to be unquestionably committed to it and it has to be the top priority over anything else in your life - especially right now. Think of it this way though- could anything possibly be harder or more miserable than what you are doing right now? I felt the same way when I finally quit - I knew that what I was doing was a one way ticket to my deathbed, and I needed to change.
We all do understand and I'm glad you reached out. Spending some time here could really help you, as could spending time with any local recovery resource you can find. If you are worried about withdrawals don't hesitate to seek medical help too, it's a very legitimate thing to ask your doc about and they have seen it many times.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 466
Starting over is really painful. It's absolutely brutal. The self-loathing, guilt and worry is close to unbearable. Well done for reaching out, it takes guts. We're in this together one day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Thank you both for your support. I believe I can save myself. I must get past the 'thinking' problem I have adjusted myself to all these years. I am alone and I need to force myself out of this trap. I'll look up some online meetings. And sorry that I'm not great at replying from my mobile phone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by owen90 
Starting over is really painful. It's absolutely brutal. The self-loathing, guilt and worry is close to unbearable. Well done for reaching out, it takes guts. We're in this together one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
KTB,
One of the most discouraging aspects of my alcoholism was that it ground me down under the heel of it's boot, and turned me into a pathetic loser, much worse than some high school bully could ever do. I doubt that you are the loser you describe. Alcohol just conceals the best of you. That part of you is still there, and to get even a part of it back, you have to quit drinking. Feeling like a loser is almost a universal symptom of alcoholism. That guy bragging in the bar about how smart he is, is over compensating for his alcoholism, and probably a few other personality flaws as well. Inside, you know something about him that he hasn't yet discovered.
The things you have tried before all have things to offer, being skeptical about some of their philosophies is fine, but don't throw them out. Find the parts that make sense to you and make them part of your personal plan, but then the hard part starts. You have to follow the plan.
One of the most discouraging aspects of my alcoholism was that it ground me down under the heel of it's boot, and turned me into a pathetic loser, much worse than some high school bully could ever do. I doubt that you are the loser you describe. Alcohol just conceals the best of you. That part of you is still there, and to get even a part of it back, you have to quit drinking. Feeling like a loser is almost a universal symptom of alcoholism. That guy bragging in the bar about how smart he is, is over compensating for his alcoholism, and probably a few other personality flaws as well. Inside, you know something about him that he hasn't yet discovered.
The things you have tried before all have things to offer, being skeptical about some of their philosophies is fine, but don't throw them out. Find the parts that make sense to you and make them part of your personal plan, but then the hard part starts. You have to follow the plan.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by KTB5000
I want what you have but am afraid that my 'thinking' is severely flawed in someway.
I wasn't severely flawed, no matter what my AV told me.
You aren't either.
Learning to live sober is hard, but you can do hard things.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by DriGuy
Find the parts that make sense to you and make them part of your personal plan, but then the hard part starts. You have to follow the plan.
I just have to get back up, dust myself off, and get going...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think we all chafe against any suggestions that we might possibly be wrong.
As we circle the drain.
You don't have to get a sponsor on Day One or on Day 90 for that matter. Or ever. You do pretty much need to do something different, though.
Not everyone in AA should be a sponsor. Choose carefully and be aware that no one is perfect, no one is even close. You're going to hear stuff that is flat out wrong for you. Tap into your own inner wisdom and do what you need to do, KTB.
As we circle the drain.
You don't have to get a sponsor on Day One or on Day 90 for that matter. Or ever. You do pretty much need to do something different, though.
Not everyone in AA should be a sponsor. Choose carefully and be aware that no one is perfect, no one is even close. You're going to hear stuff that is flat out wrong for you. Tap into your own inner wisdom and do what you need to do, KTB.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
Only 99.99% of us can relate to that feeling of being terminally unique.
I wasn't severely flawed, no matter what my AV told me.
You aren't either.
Learning to live sober is hard, but you can do hard things.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
I wasn't severely flawed, no matter what my AV told me.
You aren't either.
Learning to live sober is hard, but you can do hard things.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
I know how hard it is to stop and to face all the messes we've made. That is why I continued drinking for a long time. And, there is no easy way or shortcut to early recovery, but to make your way through it. And, know for sure, you can get through it. It's the disease that makes you believe that you can't.
I'd urge you to make a plan, especially since you've followed the same routine for 30 years. Start off making one or two changes each day, simply doing something differently or something you haven't done before. Driving home from work a different way can be helpful, for example.
I'd urge you to make a plan, especially since you've followed the same routine for 30 years. Start off making one or two changes each day, simply doing something differently or something you haven't done before. Driving home from work a different way can be helpful, for example.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
I tried and failed at AA countless times. But in my heart I knew that people really got sober there and that if I truly dedicated myself I could achieve sobriety. So I continued to return. Today I am sober and all credit goes to the fellowship of AA. I don't even have a sponsor at this time and I only attend 2-3 meetings a week but I feel that I am on solid ground. I stay in close contact with my old sponsor who is currently not active in AA but is still sober.
The thing about sobriety for me was not 'not drinking' but learning how to live life without drinking. For my whole life I drank to change my experience. If I was sad, I drank. If I was happy, I drank. I did not accept my natural state of being or my natural emotions. I always wanted to manipulate my reality. It took many years to recognize that and to address it. I would be dead if not for AA. That is a scary truth.
I feel like sometimes I have to be kind of reserved on this board when I recommend AA, because there is not just one way to get sober. And some people never get sober as many times as they try AA. But my truth is that AA is the only thing that ever got or kept me sober. I went to countless IOPs and rehabs. Detoxes, hospitals and jails. But AA is where I found my solution.
Like the old saying goes...What do jails, hospitals and institutions all have in common? ... They all send their drunks to AA.
Good luck and know that life can and will change. It will not stay the same as it is today. The bad news is it can get worse. The good news is that it can get better. I am a living, breathing, walking example that we can get low low low and still emerge alive and well. Good luck and keep reaching out. You already know a critical truth. You need help. The solution is not inside of you. It is outside of you. If you could have solved this dilemma alone you already would have.
The thing about sobriety for me was not 'not drinking' but learning how to live life without drinking. For my whole life I drank to change my experience. If I was sad, I drank. If I was happy, I drank. I did not accept my natural state of being or my natural emotions. I always wanted to manipulate my reality. It took many years to recognize that and to address it. I would be dead if not for AA. That is a scary truth.
I feel like sometimes I have to be kind of reserved on this board when I recommend AA, because there is not just one way to get sober. And some people never get sober as many times as they try AA. But my truth is that AA is the only thing that ever got or kept me sober. I went to countless IOPs and rehabs. Detoxes, hospitals and jails. But AA is where I found my solution.
Like the old saying goes...What do jails, hospitals and institutions all have in common? ... They all send their drunks to AA.
Good luck and know that life can and will change. It will not stay the same as it is today. The bad news is it can get worse. The good news is that it can get better. I am a living, breathing, walking example that we can get low low low and still emerge alive and well. Good luck and keep reaching out. You already know a critical truth. You need help. The solution is not inside of you. It is outside of you. If you could have solved this dilemma alone you already would have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I think we all chafe against any suggestions that we might possibly be wrong.
As we circle the drain.
You don't have to get a sponsor on Day One or on Day 90 for that matter. Or ever. You do pretty much need to do something different, though.
Not everyone in AA should be a sponsor. Choose carefully and be aware that no one is perfect, no one is even close. You're going to hear stuff that is flat out wrong for you. Tap into your own inner wisdom and do what you need to do, KTB.
As we circle the drain.
You don't have to get a sponsor on Day One or on Day 90 for that matter. Or ever. You do pretty much need to do something different, though.
Not everyone in AA should be a sponsor. Choose carefully and be aware that no one is perfect, no one is even close. You're going to hear stuff that is flat out wrong for you. Tap into your own inner wisdom and do what you need to do, KTB.
Thank you for your words. All of you give me hope!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 149
Don't worry about the past thirty years or the next thirty years. Focus your time and energy on positive thoughts and actions now. Before you know it it will be three months from now, a year from now, two years from now ect. Create your own future by positive behavior in the now. There is no other way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
I tried and failed at AA countless times. But in my heart I knew that people really got sober there and that if I truly dedicated myself I could achieve sobriety. So I continued to return. Today I am sober and all credit goes to the fellowship of AA. I don't even have a sponsor at this time and I only attend 2-3 meetings a week but I feel that I am on solid ground. I stay in close contact with my old sponsor who is currently not active in AA but is still sober.
The thing about sobriety for me was not 'not drinking' but learning how to live life without drinking. For my whole life I drank to change my experience. If I was sad, I drank. If I was happy, I drank. I did not accept my natural state of being or my natural emotions. I always wanted to manipulate my reality. It took many years to recognize that and to address it. I would be dead if not for AA. That is a scary truth.
I feel like sometimes I have to be kind of reserved on this board when I recommend AA, because there is not just one way to get sober. And some people never get sober as many times as they try AA. But my truth is that AA is the only thing that ever got or kept me sober. I went to countless IOPs and rehabs. Detoxes, hospitals and jails. But AA is where I found my solution.
Like the old saying goes...What do jails, hospitals and institutions all have in common? ... They all send their drunks to AA.
Good luck and know that life can and will change. It will not stay the same as it is today. The bad news is it can get worse. The good news is that it can get better. I am a living, breathing, walking example that we can get low low low and still emerge alive and well. Good luck and keep reaching out. You already know a critical truth. You need help. The solution is not inside of you. It is outside of you. If you could have solved this dilemma alone you already would have.
The thing about sobriety for me was not 'not drinking' but learning how to live life without drinking. For my whole life I drank to change my experience. If I was sad, I drank. If I was happy, I drank. I did not accept my natural state of being or my natural emotions. I always wanted to manipulate my reality. It took many years to recognize that and to address it. I would be dead if not for AA. That is a scary truth.
I feel like sometimes I have to be kind of reserved on this board when I recommend AA, because there is not just one way to get sober. And some people never get sober as many times as they try AA. But my truth is that AA is the only thing that ever got or kept me sober. I went to countless IOPs and rehabs. Detoxes, hospitals and jails. But AA is where I found my solution.
Like the old saying goes...What do jails, hospitals and institutions all have in common? ... They all send their drunks to AA.
Good luck and know that life can and will change. It will not stay the same as it is today. The bad news is it can get worse. The good news is that it can get better. I am a living, breathing, walking example that we can get low low low and still emerge alive and well. Good luck and keep reaching out. You already know a critical truth. You need help. The solution is not inside of you. It is outside of you. If you could have solved this dilemma alone you already would have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by Vincent484
Focus your time and energy on positive thoughts and actions now. Create your own future by positive behavior in the now. There is no other way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by Anna
I know how hard it is to stop and to face all the messes we've made. That is why I continued drinking for a long time. And, there is no easy way or shortcut to early recovery, but to make your way through it. And, know for sure, you can get through it. It's the disease that makes you believe that you can't.
I'd urge you to make a plan, especially since you've followed the same routine for 30 years. Start off making one or two changes each day, simply doing something differently or something you haven't done before. Driving home from work a different way can be helpful, for example.
I'd urge you to make a plan, especially since you've followed the same routine for 30 years. Start off making one or two changes each day, simply doing something differently or something you haven't done before. Driving home from work a different way can be helpful, for example.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by KTB5000
I too need to accept my natural feelings and emotions. I havent been sober for a long time. I know things are getting bad when I take off of work to drink for a few more days. I dont want to lose my job; I probably won't. But I am hitting all to familiar lows again when altogether I thought I was drinking in moderation. When actually I'm working from home and drinking on the job. Telling myself that 'everyone does this' or I can't possibly be 'the only person drinking on the job'. Im perplexed about the lengths that I my mind will go to justify my drinking vs. the lengths that I will go to fight for my sobriety. I have to reset my default thinking, I refuse to continue to wake up each morning to such regret, and horror.
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