dpac414

Hi all,

I haven't been posting too much lately, but I do still come here and read daily. I'm making a new thread in the Newcomer's section instead of just replying to my old update one because I think I need a little extra support in these trying times.

I'm over 2 years sober, but this past weekend was really difficult for me because my anxiety was at an all time high (really don't know why? nothing explicitly set it off) and then when I went to my boyfriend's house for the weekend, he had two leftover beers in his fridge that I saw when I went to get a water. That triggered me to a degree I haven't felt in a long time, which is weird because I've never really been bothered by stuff like that before. For example, he has vodka in the freezer and a few bottles of wine stashed away in cabinets. He's also had a few beers here and there in the back of the fridge that I've seen before.

I think a few things may have been different here:
1) these were brand new, four of them were gone out of six, and were directly in the fridge when I opened it
2) I was already feeling anxious and vulnerable when I got there
3) knowing he had drank a few beers in his house made me feel weird even though I wasn't there to see it.

I am very clear with him about my alcoholism and he's aware that I have a problem and we continually discuss things. I made boundaries regarding drinking when out at places or with friends or whatever and what I think I can handle or not. He is really kind and accommodating and barely drinks anyway, so it hasn't been a problem. Also it's been a pandemic so we haven't been able to go anywhere or really see anyone anyway so it hasn't even come up. I told him he needed to get rid of the beers in the fridge - either throw them out or put them somewhere else where I didn't know where they were. I didn't feel like I would have gone and drank them secretly, but the craving was there to just try one. So he put them somewhere else.

However, the next day he was having a friend over from our pod and I mentioned "maybe you can offer him one and also drink one and then they'll be gone." He said there was only one left, meaning he drank one the night before while I was sleeping. I usually go to sleep before him anyway and Friday I was so tired and went to sleep at like 9:30. That also made me feel really uncomfortable. I'm not sure if it's justified though because it's not like he drank it in front of me? Either way the craving came back much stronger again and persisted through the rest of the weekend no matter what I tried. To be honest it kind of scared me with its intensity. It was the closest I have felt to potentially drinking, as I could really visualize myself having that one beer before I shut it down in my brain. I had drinking dreams all weekend.

I guess I'm just wondering people's thoughts on the situation - I do talk to my boyfriend a lot about alcohol and alcoholism and he knows when I feel upset or uncomfortable with something regarding it. I think I'll probably have to talk to him about this as well but I wanted to know if y'all think I'm selfish for setting rules for his own house? Is that wrong? Nothing like this has ever happened before because he really doesn't drink at all, so it feels like an overreaction on my part. I'm sure he'd listen to me and we'd work it out but idk. The fact that it also trigged something so intensely is concerning and I'm gonna need to up my recovery tactics. Go back to the tried and true methods - daily gratitude, more meetings, more active posting here, etc.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I feel a lot better today and safer back in my apartment although the weirdness is still lingering.

doggonecarl

Sorry you are struggling.

No advice on the boyfriend front. Don't know how often you go to his house, but if this was the first time you felt like that, it could be a fluke. But if you think you are going to have overwhelming cravings the next time you are there, you are going to have to discuss it. You could suggest an alcohol free house. Or stay home.

Vincent484

Hi Dpac414,

I don't think the root of the problem is the fact that your boyfriend has alcohol. There will always be placed, situations, ect that alcohol will be present. I'm wondering what set off the thought of drinking in the first place. You mentioned that you were having anxiety this past weekend - is there something going on in your life that has been particularly stressful recently?

fishkiller

I think upping your sobriety plan is a good idea. 2+ years is no small feat. You have the tools use them.

novips

Thanks for sharing. I consider myself the type of alcoholic who has to be firmly grounded in all three parts of the A.A. recovery program to stay sober (i.e., meetings, steps, and service). That means the first question that pops into my mind when someone describes fighting a mental obsession like you're describing is whether there's something not happening program-wise that should be. Part of that turns on where a person is in the Steps. For example, have I been dragging my feet on some inventory or amends? If I've completed Steps 1-9, am I following the Big Book instructions for Steps 10-12? If so, is it perhaps time to do another 4 & 5? Then it's on to questions like: Am I attending enough meetings? Do I have a home group and service commitment? Am I working with others? Obviously, doing another 4th Step is not the right answer for a broken arm, so we have to stay open to the possibility that we need outside help. Anyway, that's the sort of stuff that comes to mind -- all of which may have absolutely no relevance to your situation.

Anna

I don't think the fact your boyfriend had two beers in his fridge is the problem. You said he didn't drink around you, and that's great. I think the problem is the anxiety you were feeling that day and when you arrived at his house. It would be helpful, I think, to try to get to the root of it and see what you can do about it. And, congratulations on 2 years of recovery.

Fusion

Hi dpac, congratulations on 2 years, that's awesome! I agree with others above, in that maybe the anxiety you were feeling before visiting your boyfriend's, was a prelude to, and behind the craving, and not the sight of actual beers in your boyfriend's place?

For me, when I'm feeling anxious, angry, annoyed etc, my AV will ALWAYS suggest a drink as a solution, it's my AV's default position. I then feel a craving, It's hard to explain, but a craving feels stronger than a thought, like a physical yearning, for something I KNOW I shouldn't have. And that ambivalence is hard. You must have tools at your disposal to have reached 2 years, dpac.

I also agree that alcohol is everywhere and unless I become a recluse, I will always encounter it in a socail situation. But if you're feeling wobbly, then it may be a a good idea to ask your boyfrend to remove alcohol, whilst you regain your sobriety muscles.

kinzoku

I think its a good idea in a relationship to make sure you SHARE a plan for your sobriety, yknow? I think I lucked out to have a partner that doesn't need to drink in the house but I realize this is not always the case. A lot of people here saying the issue is not your boyfriend, and that may be true, but also its ok to have whatever boundries you NEED with alcohol. If you cant be over there when theres alcohol in the fridge because its tempting, then dont go.

dpac414

All good points here from everyone.

I do have boundaries set up and have been very transparent with my boyfriend about what I need etc. I also definitely think that the anxiety I was feeling contributed to the issue because I don't feel the same about going to places where there is alcohol or people drinking, or even if there were friends in the house with us and they all had a drink. I think it felt weird because it felt like some weird violation of my trust, even though it shouldn't. He's allowed to do what he wants. I just didn't like that he had a drink or two when it was just us, even if I didn't see it happening (referring to the having a beer after I went to sleep).

That sounds really selfish to me when I type it out. There are times he's going to want to do that. But I can't put my sobriety at risk....I think it's important for me to continually work on my recovery obviously and not bank on the fact that I'll never see alcohol anywhere because that's just not realistic. Does any of this make sense? I'm definitely going to bolster my recovery. I guess I'm just wondering like....is this something I can get over? Should I have to get over it? I understand that I could just not go there, but I would like to live together at some point down the road. Am I being dramatic? The fact that I had a craving scare is my problem so therefore I shouldn't also make it his?

I do also have a therapy appointment today so I'm gonna talk about it there too.

Obladi

Hey dpac,

I think that you can "get over" whatever it is that's bothersome to you; the trick is to figure out what needs getting over. You are not being dramatic at all. You were disturbed (still are to some extent) and there is a reason for that. As others said, watching out for yourself is appropriate. And I think that a "good" (right for you) boyfriend would naturally be willing to work with that. He sounds like the kind of guy who would be fine keeping the alcohol out of your sight altogether and probably wouldn't object to a request that he not drink in your presence (awake or sleeping) if you are in the same home, whether it's yours or his?

I cosign on the idea of figuring out what the anxiety was about that started before you even got there. If you can. For me, that's a critical piece in the puzzle of my life, but sometimes I have to wait for the answer to come. I think you and I may be somewhat alike in this way. If not, feel free to reject my cosignature.

You know, what I observed in your post was a lot of minimizing (excusing? rationalizing?) on behalf of your boyfriend. He hardly ever drinks at all but he has vodka in the freezer, beers in the fridge, and a few bottles of wine stashed around the place? I think I'd be uncomfortable with that - maybe not in the beginning of a relationship, but as time went by I think it would start to sort of wear on me. Like, "Why doesn't he care enough about me to just not have the stuff in the house?" I don't know if that's a healthy perspective, but I think it's how I would feel. I would absolutely feel strange about it if my (non-existent) partner had a drink after I fell asleep at his place. Why? That doesn't even compute for me. Maybe it's perfectly 'normal' and I just don't know what normal is.

I hope this doesn't make things worse for you by affirming your uncomfortableness. My hope is more that I can offer some understanding of your dis-ease. I'd definitely be chatting with my therapist about all of this, so I'm glad you're going to do that very thing today!

O

prettiekittie

this struck something in me. My husband and I have talked a lot about booze in the house. I’m not steady enough right now to have it near me, even unopened. I found an opened beer in his office this morning and got *so* uncomfortable.

I know it isn’t his issue per se, and I still have feelings about it.

OP, I’m sorry you’re having anxiety right now. That’s usually at the root of my triggers and I have to ferret it out. Good luck to you.

kinzoku

It totally makes sense dpac. I would be very weirded out if my partner was sneaking drinks when I was sleeping. At the very least it would be a sign of bad communication going on. Because look, as alcoholics we already have gone down the road of a relationship with drinking thats not honest. It cant be safe to have a partner thats not totally transparent. Thats my two cents. Its a good thing you have a therapist appointment coming up and I hope they can counsel you on how to have a productive convo with your partner about both boundaries and transparency.

Dee74

Hi dpac

congrats on those two hard won years

If it will help you to talk it out with your bf, then by all means do that but I've of the opinion that maybe the problem here isn't really your bf having beers or drinking one while you're asleep.

What do you think has you so anxious and insecure?

D

dpac414

Well, I had a productive session with my therapist yesterday which was a lot of me yelling and crying and then dealing with things. The source of my anxiety has been body image issues as of late which I didn't really want to get into here because it's a whole other complicated thing. I may *cautiously* write my reaction off as a result of my previous anxiety. Not dismissing it entirely and I'm still going to up my recovery.

I know it's not my boyfriend's problem that he had the alcohol in the house, but I do think it also merits a further discussion with him. Maybe just going over the boundaries again so we're all on the same page? Or just explaining what happened and why I reacted so strongly? I do realize I sound like I'm rationalizing or minimizing behavior but I guess I stressed it so much because I wanted to convey that he has worked with me with my issues and we've been really communicative with each other on that and other issues.

I certainly appreciate everyone's input and am always grateful to be able to come here and receive lots of different perspectives. I'm feeling a bit better today...moving forward from it and learning from it. I think it's important to process things and understand them but also know when to move on from them when that's done.

doggonecarl

I think for your sobriety to survive, you have to accept (or at least tolerate) other people's alcohol use. In my early recovery, my wife didn't drink much, at home or out. In support of me? I don't know. She likes to drink and has for the last few years. I don't care for it, I'm concerned she drinks too much. But it doesn't make me want to drink.

DriGuy

As to what's right or wrong, I don't know, but I sure understand your concern here. Two years and then a trigger like this comes out of the blue. I understand you don't want to lord you alcoholism over your boyfriend like a club. But God forbid, you don't want to throw your recovery away after two years. If I were in your shoes, I would heavily weight the danger to my personal well being as a first priority. It's just me, but nothing would get in the way of that. Once I had a handle on the level of danger, I would go from there, and decide the next step.

I have friends that drink, most of them don't drink around me, even in their own homes. I never asked them not to. I think maybe they don't out of respect for me. Do I deserve it? I have no idea, but I appreciate it. I also have one friend that does drink around me, even in my home. He will go out and buy beer and put it in my fridge. He's an alcoholic, but he does not admit it to himself, but I give him a pass because I realize he can't help it, and I don't see him that often. But more importantly, I also realize, that he cannot make me drink. He may annoy me with his need and his oblivious attitude, but I'm not going to drink over it. If he was a threat to me at this stage, I would ask him to leave. In a dire situation, I would leave my own home, and then of course, I would kick him out.

But I'm not going to be the guy that blows recovery on account of someone else. That's not in my plan. What is in my plan is that no one will do that to me. I also do not give ultimatums. I used to, but I decided I don't want to be that guy either. I'd probably leave before I did that.

Your situation is definitely delicate. That is the dance we do with loved ones. Sometimes partners will have to change leads, but someone has to lead or you end up stepping on each others toes.

I'm wishing you the best. I think you deserve that.

Hawkeye13

I have chosen to relapse a number of times “because” of my spouse’s excessive drinking and alcohol pretty constantly in the “safe space”of my home. I had periods of detachment when his drinking didn’t affect my sobriety, but when anxious or stressed, it was easy to start drinking together. I wanted to control his drinking and used my own as a “reason” he should stop, or not bring it in the house. But his only place to go where we live is this house, and he has as much right to drink here as I do to drink or not.

It has been a long journey of repeated relapse and blame to get real about my part in this. I think I am finally getting the lesson that my sobriety is my own to manage and his alcohol use is his. I can choose to maintain the relationship or not, but I have no right to control someone else’s choices. Tough when you’ve grown up codependent in an alcoholic home, but not, I think, impossible.

Anna

I hope that you focus on the issues that you believe are causing your anxiety. I'm glad the therapy was helpful.

I think, before you think seriously about moving in together, you need to accept your boyfriend as someone who drinks sometimes and who keeps alcohol in the house. I think, if you choose to believe he will change, it will be a problem for you.

Again, congratulations on 2 years of recovery and I know you can get through this issue.

advbike

I have been in that situation and have lived with someone before who drank every evening when she cooked, and with dinner. I was in a stressful job and very vulnerable, so was unable to handle it - I relapsed (joined in) on multiple occasions so I eventually bought another place of my own. It was all aspects - seeing beer or wine in the fridge, watching her drink when I couldn't (big resentment), experiencing the shift in her attitude, and then smelling it on her breath later. We talked about it but it was unfair of me to expect her to change what she liked to do.

At least he waited until you went to sleep. I think that was respectful.

Ringside

I think a lot of us, myself included, drank to "manage" anxiety, and did it for a lot of years. So to me, it is no surprise that when you're feeling anxious about something, it occurs to you to drink, even after two years of not doing it. I don't know if you've had anxiety in the past two years apart from this, but in any case you'll probably feel anxious again, and having gone through this anxiety without drinking, the thought of drinking will be less of a reflex next time. And it will be less still the time after, until it isn't really a thought at all. It certainly would be good to get some insight on the cause of your anxiety, as you're doing, but as it pertains to drinking I think you've done exactly what you're supposed to do - talk about the situation, get feedback, and double check and build out your toolkit. And not drink. So that's great.

As for your relationship, your sobriety comes first. Whether or not your feelings are reasonable, I believe you absolutely should say whatever and do whatever makes you feel safe. This is probably a temporary thing so what you need to feel safe today might be different than what you need to feel safe down the road. I do think it is positive that your boyfriend didn't drink in front of you - he sounds like a normal drinker and one that respects your concerns, so hopefully whatever conversations you have are respectful and productive.

My $.02...take care.