Seem to really be struggling.
Hi all,
I haven't been posting too much lately, but I do still come here and read daily. I'm making a new thread in the Newcomer's section instead of just replying to my old update one because I think I need a little extra support in these trying times.
I'm over 2 years sober, but this past weekend was really difficult for me because my anxiety was at an all time high (really don't know why? nothing explicitly set it off) and then when I went to my boyfriend's house for the weekend, he had two leftover beers in his fridge that I saw when I went to get a water. That triggered me to a degree I haven't felt in a long time, which is weird because I've never really been bothered by stuff like that before. For example, he has vodka in the freezer and a few bottles of wine stashed away in cabinets. He's also had a few beers here and there in the back of the fridge that I've seen before.
I think a few things may have been different here:
1) these were brand new, four of them were gone out of six, and were directly in the fridge when I opened it
2) I was already feeling anxious and vulnerable when I got there
3) knowing he had drank a few beers in his house made me feel weird even though I wasn't there to see it.
I am very clear with him about my alcoholism and he's aware that I have a problem and we continually discuss things. I made boundaries regarding drinking when out at places or with friends or whatever and what I think I can handle or not. He is really kind and accommodating and barely drinks anyway, so it hasn't been a problem. Also it's been a pandemic so we haven't been able to go anywhere or really see anyone anyway so it hasn't even come up. I told him he needed to get rid of the beers in the fridge - either throw them out or put them somewhere else where I didn't know where they were. I didn't feel like I would have gone and drank them secretly, but the craving was there to just try one. So he put them somewhere else.
However, the next day he was having a friend over from our pod and I mentioned "maybe you can offer him one and also drink one and then they'll be gone." He said there was only one left, meaning he drank one the night before while I was sleeping. I usually go to sleep before him anyway and Friday I was so tired and went to sleep at like 9:30. That also made me feel really uncomfortable. I'm not sure if it's justified though because it's not like he drank it in front of me? Either way the craving came back much stronger again and persisted through the rest of the weekend no matter what I tried. To be honest it kind of scared me with its intensity. It was the closest I have felt to potentially drinking, as I could really visualize myself having that one beer before I shut it down in my brain. I had drinking dreams all weekend.
I guess I'm just wondering people's thoughts on the situation - I do talk to my boyfriend a lot about alcohol and alcoholism and he knows when I feel upset or uncomfortable with something regarding it. I think I'll probably have to talk to him about this as well but I wanted to know if y'all think I'm selfish for setting rules for his own house? Is that wrong? Nothing like this has ever happened before because he really doesn't drink at all, so it feels like an overreaction on my part. I'm sure he'd listen to me and we'd work it out but idk. The fact that it also trigged something so intensely is concerning and I'm gonna need to up my recovery tactics. Go back to the tried and true methods - daily gratitude, more meetings, more active posting here, etc.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I feel a lot better today and safer back in my apartment although the weirdness is still lingering.