Aellyce

I think it may be time for me to see the psychiatrist. It's early sobriety, things are objectively going great, I am self-aware AF, but one can only do so much. To a large extent, I think it's my seasonal disorder - it always kicks in this time of year... didn't experience it in 2020, but now everything, including my approaches to life, is getting back to... "normal"...

I want to also express it with a music video which, I know, is never a good sign.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd9O...nel=LinkinPark

kinzoku

LOL! I was about to comment the Linkin Park song, glad you linked it.

How about https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElZO...A28B01&index=2 (for less anxiety in an LP song) haha

Early sobriety without our crutch is super hard, I think any mental help is good stuff. Can't say I've done therapy but I know it helps a lot of people.

Congrats on your sober time and keep at it!

Aellyce

Hahaha
Thanks. Where are you (and my better self) in the moment, when I need to hear that "feat", in the heat of the darn AV pulls?

I'll be 4 months sober later this month, and recently have been feeling like what many people describe as the emotional rollercoaster. Surely, my adding to a few more challenges may complicate my process.

kinzoku

I think upbeat music / media versus stuff that amplifies a bad mood is actually a really good call!

Depends, on if you enjoy those challenges are not eh? If they are productive ones, then go for it.

Steely

Oops, I was going to say Linkin Park can go get uncoupled.

Are you ok alyce?

The girl looked very alone surrounded by all those screaming men.

Seeing a good psychiatrist sounds like a good idea, and if posting videos is not a good sign the arrows are pointing at me too.

International Women's Day is one day at a time too. 🎼

Hope you are ok.

Anna

Aellyce, being self-aware is big plus in early sobriety. And, I think seeing a psychiatrist could be helpful in the process.

Steely

Trouble is, it's hard to get a good one.

Hard to get a good me.

Sometimes think a good psychologist is the way to go. Self counsel too.

Psychiatrists don't talk very much.

DriGuy

I'm sorry to hear you're having a roller coaster ride right now. But you will get through this. Your main objective right now is to stay sober. That's what you do at 4 months, and getting through a rough patch is good practice. Recovery is learning to be sober when faced with problems. It's more that than "not having problems because you got sober." At four months, I was just grateful to be sober. At times I would wonder, "Yeah, I'm sober, but are these other problems any easier because I quit drinking?" I couldn't always answer that question, but there was never any doubt that I felt better about myself, and I never lost my gratitude for that.

Your challenges will get easier to face as time goes by. At four months, I was too busy solving problems like "what if there is a social event that has alcohol and I can't get out of it?" This is where I needed help at that point in recovery, and I didn't have a lot of space for much else. And I've said before, when my more general issues did get easier to face it was happening when I wasn't looking. I just remember, thinking a time or two, "Well, I handled that well," and then realizing after that that I was making progress with my life, but that came later in the journey. You have your sobriety right now, and that's where you should be. I know you take pride in that, I read it in your posts. Accept that. You are doing good, and for now that is certainly worth a celebration.

As for professional help, it helped me a lot, but that too can be a roller coaster at times. Self knowledge is not often well understood, but it's something you need to learn how to do if you are interested in personal growth. Counseling helps us learn those ropes. Psychiatry seems like a big place to start. I'm not sure that is better than just finding a good counselor, at least for most of us. We don't need a Ferrari when a Mazda will provide everything we need.

stickyone

PAWS has hit me in recovery during the 4 month period. Today I am continuing to work on day 307. Just personal experience a doctor helped me very much. I was working with 3 of them at one time who had different opinions. Lol But all had the same in common they help me understand my emotions but said it all comes down on the actions you take to utilize these tools in the real world. Where real problems are daily. You have a plan so that good.

Mizz

You will get through this.
Keep on moving forward.

ScottFromWI

I think the changes in season have a lot to do with it. It was really nice here for several days, unseasonably warm nice. Then it got cold and snowed again and everyone is getting on each others nerves and tired in my house! I'd never recommend against seeing a counsellor though, even if nothing is "wrong" it's never going to hurt to get a checkup on thigns, just like we do for our physical health.

Mizz

How is it going?

biminiblue

Aellyce, I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that yet another psychiatrist may not solve any of your current issues and may in fact lead you down a dark dangerous road you've been on before.

If you feel like meds are the answer I guess that would be a good reason, but as far as more "therapy" I'd guess you know as much as many of them do.

I'm with DriGuy, the only thing you need to do is Not Drink and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You've bitten off a huge chunk by quitting your long-time career but it doesn't have to derail everything else. Find a hobby, volunteer. You're fully vaccinated, lots of people need help right now. I'd say get involved in OTHER peoples' lives and stop all the navel-gazing.

Just my observation.

Hawkeye13

Aellyce, as a serial relapser myself, I feel you are at risk of relapse. If that is so, or if you have, best to share.

I’m just past 10 days again. I was reluctant to admit it, but came clean on O’s thread. It was a relief.

I apologize if inaccurate, but just want to reach out in case

Steely

Are you ok Alyce?

Steely

Alyce is ok?

Aellyce

Thanks everyone, I very much appreciate the feedback, support and suggestions. I'm fine today, got quite busy planning and organizing my apartment move - that will go on for a while until I'm settled into the new place. I think part of the reason I felt so unstable the past two days were also related to this - first long application/wait time, then of course the very predictable drinking urges when I heard the desired outcome. I definitely feel very much at the risk of relapse each time I have strong cravings like that, then it's just a relief when it's over and I prefer not even discussing it much further and doing something productive.

In terms of the mental health, I think I got scared more than the whole thing warranted. I would not want therapy/counseling, was more thinking about a prescription - that even that might just be part of the AV talk: get some drugs and hope they will take away the discomfort. When my mind is clear like now, I don't feel I need any such treatment, and am definitely not going down the therapy rabbit hole again, it didn't help me in the past and really just made things worse by drawing my focus on things where it already goes too much by default. It's just amazing how I can feel like almost a different person when those cravings take over my mind, but in fact it's similar each time and even the feelings are predictable, including that they go away completely after a couple hours. When I thought about the psychiatrist, I thought to get a prescription for one of those meds that could potentially alleviate the cravings, nothing else really. I'm not depressed, not even anxious much otherwise, and have no need for digging into these mental states more because there isn't much interesting and useful to be found there, it's just the occasional (albeit sometimes very strong) desire for alcohol. I know it won't last forever, the reason they make me anxious is because I'm afraid of relapsing.

I'm also absolutely not bored out of my mind and have nothing to do, quite the opposite. But I do enjoy the vacation and not having to think about work every day. Still do some because I don't want to lose clients by saying 'no' to every project and gig, and am definitely not short of ideas for hobbies and other plans. In general, all is well outside of those AV moments I've also gotten back to attending meetings and practicing my tools more - in general, I feel much more confident when I'm on track with doing recovery work regularly, neglecting is never a good idea and there is no real reason for that other than laziness or weak excuses.

courage2

Aellyce, if you want to hear about my experience with getting sober, relapse, and getting sober-plus-medicated, you can PM me.

Aellyce

Okay guys, I agree it's better to come clean about the reality of this thread, which is more than obviously too similar to many of my old posts, especially under my previous username. Including being vague, evasive, distracted, even sounding immature in how I try to discuss something, which I then do not even discuss. Of course these are the signs of not being honest - I did pick up the drink recently. When I posted this thread, it was on a day of a binge that I started the night before. What's true about the content is that, unlike a few other times before, I acted out the craving, instead of doing anything else of the variety that were so effective before to manage my cravings. And it wasn't the first time during the past two weeks, but the third. I guess that pretty much constitutes a full-blown relapse even with the more forgiving terminology of SMART, which distinguishes lapses and relapses. I was very consciously thinking about this after the first episode, and how the whole thing got worse very quickly. I didn't feel I was that far from the recovery I experienced for 3 months right after the first episode, but I still would not get back into what I was doing and found so helpful. Of course, very predictably, more drinking followed. Now I do feel I've gotten pretty far from living every day like I was doing earlier in the winter because I pretty much dropped all the treatment - the meetings, doing SMART exercises ~daily, meditation, exercise, even canceled and rescheduled the GP appointment I originally was supposed to have this Tuesday.

That doctor appointment was initially just to get two vaccines for things my blood test showed I was not immune to (because it faded from long-ago vaccination or another I never had), and the doctor had the idea to bring into the office my BP/HR monitor machine, so we can test alongside the one they have there, because I expressed I wanted to accurately check these things at home. Of course, now I'll have a less benign confession when I finally go next Tuesday, but I'll do it, otherwise I just reinforce staying in this drawback for myself. I will indeed discuss medication options for cravings when I go. From all experience I've had now, that is indeed my weak point, and now I set my body back a great deal with this relapse, as far as healing can go that ideally leads to the cravings stably subsiding. I did experience them becoming much less frequent and weaker over time during my 3 months sober, it was obviously the stupidest thing to pick up, so sadly I can start over with that process now. Hopefully not completely from scratch as I did learn a lot, but actively using those tools definitely feels a bit distant now, and that needs to change - not when I see the doctor, not tomorrow, but NOW.

I think I also need to work on not becoming overconfident as I'm progressing and having good experiences - I can see that taking off now when I look back and, while that on its own didn't cause the relapse, it definitely contributed to changing my schedule, dropping the meetings and elements of my new routine. I think it's a good point to turn that over and tweak my thinking and strategy NOW, because all of the results of the great 3 months of work, good decisions and executing them are here to take further, but if I continue drinking, they definitely won't lead to improvements much. Probably will turn out more like some of the other half-assed efforts I did many times before over the years, and the drinking will continue making everything overcomplicated and unsatisfying. It was even very obvious in the past 2 weeks or so when I occasionally checked into some meetings - I would just sit there in the background, not say anything, would not even turn on my video. That's not what worked well for me, I like to participate, and I found the meetings and programs the most helpful when I was actively engaged, not just observing and hiding.

Okay, I think this sounds much better now than the OP and my post yesterday. Not good that I relapsed, but now I feel much more qualified to get back on track. I'm learning one of the most well-known elements of recovery in a really hard way: how important it is to be truly honest, not just to self (that's much easier, for me at least) but to the people I'm seeking help from. That, and the sustained effort. I need to work harder on this really being the last time now. Thanks especially to those of you who pointed out, however subtly, that I need to clarify things. I think I also need to get back to using this forum the way I did during those 3 months - posting about recovery and what I'm doing on that front, where I need help, not about all sorts of useless distractions where I don't need help at all - it's just an evasive strategy that ultimately bites back in the wrong way every time. I will also try to make my posts shorter and stick with the things that need attention and work instead of rambling all over. But I think I need to do those good things in my everyday life first and foremost, not talk excessively.

Mizz

Just for conversation here.......
So what is the purpose of telling this forum you are sober when you are actually not sober? I'm not trying to be combative or judge you. Do you think people here are going to judge you? This is really an interesting road to recovery.