borla

Hi....I'm writing here as I am struggling a bit to come to terms/move on from my recent breakup. Me and my ex were together for 1.5 years, so not a long long time, but we did genuinely love each other and had a lot of amazing things in common, fun together and spoke about the future. He is an amazing, kind, thoughtful and for the most part honest person, but his relationship with alcohol was far more intense and turbulent then I knew. He admitted to me over a month ago he was depressed and depending on drink due to some financial worries and since then lost his job and following this, due to his behaviour leading to more constant arguments, and being so low that I couldn't 'get' to him, we broke up. Following on from the breakup he went to a very dark place and an intervention needed to happen due to his drinking. He has since moved back to his parent home and is waiting on going into rehab, and has been sober for 2 weeks. He is in a much more positive mind frame and seems to really want to continue on his sober journey and understand his triggers, and how to cope with these without alcohol, thanks to the treatment rehab will (hopefully) provide to him.

Where I'm at is that we have broken up, and cannot get back together as he needs to work on himself/commit to rehab and have no distractions. However, he has a glimmer of hope that when he works through the treatment and proves he can live a life alcohol-free that we may get back together, and I think a part of me has that slight hope to. But, I know I have to try and move on now, as we are not together.

I am so confused, and I don't know if I am just focusing so much on the love we have for each other and ignoring the addiction and removing that part from him, which will always be there. I think it's stopping me from moving on, and we are also in a lot of contact, still.... can anyone help me understand how I'm feeling, if it's wrong to be in touch, and am I stupid to even think the relationship could work.. after all that has happened?

kevlarsjal2

Hi borla! Welcome to SR

I think staying in touch directly after a break up makes it unnecessarily hard to let go and to move on for both parts, alcoholism involved or not. It is true that he can recover and become the partner you wanted. Especially if he's still young and really wants to make big changes. Me and my partner both are in recovery (I quit at 26, he at 32). We met in recovery so it's slightly different.
But now the "bad" news: For many people it takes several attempts (and bad consequences) to finally surrender and commit to sobriety. And often there are other issues surfacing once the addiction is removed, like personality disorders, trauma, other mental health issues. Which all make relationships hard work and bring their own array of problems with them. For many people alcohol served as some sort of self medication to mask the underlying issues.
One thing that many people don't know is that getting sober is only the start. More often than not the real work begins once someone is somewhat stable in sobriety and can start working on all the underlying issues to get better and to learn to cope with life in more healthy ways. That is my own personal experience.

My recommendation for now would be to let go and to quit contact for a while at least. Or only check in with him sporadically. That way you can heal and he won't be distracted.

Cityboy

Very good post by kevlarsjal. I'm one year into sobriety and am really still neck deep into sorting through the issues that were the cause of my alcohol dependency. Two weeks is great, but it is going to be a long road for him. You don't need to have your life energy hanging in the balance of his commitment to sobriety, or lack thereof. I suggest keeping it at least arm's length for now and possibly revisit in six months or a year and see where it stands.

Anna

I agree with what Kevlarsjal said. I think stepping back right now would be the best thing for you to help you begin to heal and move on. If you continue having constant contact, that will be very difficult. Also, this will allow him to focus on his recovery. It might be a good idea to check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.

Surrendered19

Sorry for what brings you here borla. Right now as things sit, not even he knows what his future holds. Being an addict and getting control of this thing is a tricky process for all of us. It is difficult in every case. If I were you, I would tell him that you need to be largely apart from each other for a year. I think you can check in on him and vice versa every few months, but I think you both need to keep each other at a very long arm's length for now. He has much much work to do and having some sort of undefined significant relationship in the mix would be bad for both of you I think. It is also good that you yourself pointed out that he will always be an addict, hopefully an addict in recovery, but nevertheless and addict. I think you could possibly have a very bright future with him, but the mature thing for both of you to do is wait.

borla

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I think I was using the excuse of waiting to hear the updates on rehab and start dates as my reason to stay in touch, but what I'm doing is delaying the inevitable of cutting contact and attempting to move on. Things may be different when he works through the program and integrates back into his old life sober (and can do this/not do this), but I guess only time will tell.... if I continue as I am I feel like I'll be stuck in limbo. To all of you that are in recovery, you are very strong people and I wish you a continued road of recovery and peace along the way. Thank you