whitejay

Hi all ! Yep I did it again. Went to lunch and had 2 margaritas. The crazy escapades started and didnt end until 3am.
Dancing with people I never met, getting in cars with ppl I just met, calling everyone I never call, walking dangerous streets, ended up in some house with a guy. Here I sit crying my eyes out, screaming and praying for help. Logging onto AA meeting. I dont just drink and stay home-I drink and go crazy. I cant believe Im still alive. I called 2 family members and told them how dark and deep my soul is. They are going to help me. I am baffled why I dont die.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear you drank Whitejay. I'd wager that it wasn't for "no reason" though...at some point you had to make the conscious decision to go to lunch and order a Margarita. For us unfortunately, once you have the first nothing that happens after that should be a surprise. Glad you are seeking help now - as you do so, I think what you may want to focus on is putting a system in place so you recognize what's happening in the first place. AKA - it's very likely that many things led up to your choice to drink at lunch yesterday - if you can recognize those signs and seek help first, then the whole episode can be averted.

whitejay

I agree with you 100% ScottfromWI.....something is going on deep inside of me and I need to figure it out because you are right-many things I am sure led up to me drinking. I think I am very unhappy and really need to get to the root of it.
Thanks

ScottFromWI

Most of us have underlying issues that are somehow intertwined with our addiction. In my case it is anxiety and looking back my drinking was really an attempt at self-medication. It worked for a while but of course made things worse in the end. Seeking out answers to the root causes was only possible when I quit drinking, but the good news is that there are solutions.

Hevyn

Whitejay - I'm so sorry you're going through this painful time - but let's be thankful that it can result in you finally getting free. You have further proof that you can't trust yourself once that first drink goes down. Be glad you're talking about what happened - some never reach out for help or admit defeat. I justified my drinking until it almost killed me. This won't be you.

whitejay

I have major underlying issues. I have been hospitalized for them. I thought I was over it - obviously not. Its just getting worse the older I get.
Time to call a therapist.........

whitejay

Hevyn - thank you for caring. I'm in a really dark place and I dont know how to get out of it. Something has changed in me and I need help.
I thought I might be getting better, but now I know I'm just getting worse and worse by the week.
Its as if I wish I could just evaporate - how freeing

Mizz

It is really good to hear that you are safe and at home. Having IRL support is such a blessing.
Stay close to SR. You will get through this. We are here for you.

Aellyce

I'm glad you are okay, whitejay. That is definitely dangerous behavior, especially during a pandemic.

It's definitely difficult to stay clear-headed and sober when someone is struggling with mental health issues besides the addiction. I just wrote a relevant post today about my experience:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7574711 (Aellyce2 Relapse2)

It's good that you are aware of this and hope you seek and find help for whatever is challenging! Sometimes social support alone just does not cut it.

whitejay

Mizz- thank you for being here for me. I will stay close to SR. I need to stay on SR when Im doing good too, not just come on when I am feeling down.

Aellyce - I read your thread in you link. Wow, it sounds a lot like me. I hide it and act like everything is ok and mask it with alcohol. My scary behavior when I drink has probably a lot to do with my mental issues. (and of course alcohol in large quantities),
What's weird about all of it, is I would never walk around those areas while sober (scare me a lot) and the way I act around people is super fun loving and up to anything anyone wants to or go to - but my true personality is pretty serious and studious and I have no friends - none. I lock my self in my room and read all day and do research. I am Not a people person so its like Im living a double life not true to who I really am. I completely change and then become all consuming shameful, disgusted, and depressed for the next week or so. Its appalling and very destructive, scary, self deprecating, self sabotaging behavior.
I am just getting worse, not better. I am scared. I am taking action - I have already made a few phone calls.
Thank you for sharing.......

Anna

I'm glad you posted Whitejay and I'm really sorry you're going through this. The things we do while drinking are often very scary.

Self-sabotage was a problem for me, too, and it took me a long time to believe that I did deserve a good life. And, you do too.

Aellyce

Drinking didn't make me more social in the real world once I did it excessively and alcoholically, but I did many stupid and regretful things online while intoxicated. Perhaps the most directly dangerous in the real world happened many years ago, when I was walking in an area of a city where very few pedestrians ventured, and I got mugged by two guys jumping out seemingly from nowhere. I was still intoxicated a couple hours later, when the police came out to file the incident, and the whole day is still a haze in my mind. It also had a lot of additional bad consequences due to some documents they stole with my bag. Definitely not a good memory and I had PTSD-like symptoms for years afterward that made me avoid important tasks, then more negative consequences... Long chain, it was >10 years ago, but guess what? I continued drinking until about two months ago.

It's definitely the best to resolve these issues earlier rather than later.

whitejay

thank you Anna - I never felt like I deserved a good life, even though I made one for myself.....but no one is in my life and never has been. So its just a big house.

whitejay

Aellyce - me too me too - Ive had stuff taken while drinking, and I continued to drink and go to the same scary places. I think back of all the situations I have put my drunk self in - and i just want to crawl under a rock and die.....

I am just now realizing how totally destroying all that behavior is to your soul....You know its not the real you - you cry about it every day - you hate yourself for it - you pray, beg, go to tons of counseling for years and years - then turn around and drink the very next day.
I live near you - do you think its the water - lol

advbike

Welcome back Whitejay.

A lot of us have high stress, frustration, or anxiety levels that are temporarily relieved by alcohol, but actually made worse over time. It is a learned behavior to self medicate, but once the brain gets used to it, the craving begins anytime we encounter stress. I used alcohol as a crutch for social anxiety and my low frustration tolerance for decades. The good news is once the primary addiction is removed we can find more healthy ways of dealing with our issues and eventually the real, beautiful you will emerge.

whitejay

advbike - thanks for welcoming me back. It was as if I was on auto pilot mode yesterday. I had no forethought, it was so strange.
I sat down and ordered a drink. just like that Then another, then another, then another. I havent drank a margarita in probably 20 years. I have no idea why I did that, except that there is definitely something going on in my subconscious. I know Im miserable.

I am not taking this relapse lightly - I have had it up to high water ! Time for an intervention on myself. I already make phone calls.
I hope you are doing well...............I dont know if you pray, but if you do, say a prayer for me please. yes, its that bad.

BornSurvivor

You have to get away from that feeling of not feeling like you deserve a good life otherwise you will not be able to beat this. You deserve better than this and you know it otherwise you wouldn't be here trying to get clean!

What's done is done. You are still alive that's what is most important.

Learn from this relapse. You have to ask yourself what was the urge you got when you drank that margarita? In order for me to quit drinking I had to figure out why it was I was drinking in the first place. You should do the same. Is it anxiety? To fit in? You thought it would make the social situation more exciting?

whitejay

hi bornsurvivor - no one was with me - I consistently have urges to drink, they never go away - so, here I was at a nice restaurant and it was if I was a robot, the
waiter came to my table and asked me what I would like to drink and out of my stupid mouth came " I'll take a top shelf margarita with lots of salt "...
I dont even drink tequila !!!! I just am too impulsive and I need to get it in check fast or something really bad is going to happen. Ive already used up my nine lives (so disturbing).
My soul has been crushed by years of this behavior, that I feel soul less. I feel like a robot, a piece of dirt and shame, lots of shame.
so, I know I am on my last leg - I am getting on naltrexone - vivitrol shot among other things. I would give everything I own away from my clothes to my house
if someone could just explain why my brain is so messed up....I would rather be homeless than a miserable drunk.
thanks for caring

BornSurvivor

I can tell you have low self-esteem. You need to rebuild that up. Make some short-term and long-term goals and start working on them right away. Also, don't be so hard on yourself. You have to remember the person you are when you drink is not the real you. When I was drinking and using drugs (I was addicted to coke and meth for years) I did so many things I'm ashamed of but I forgive myself because I know that wasn't the true me. That was the alcohol and drugs telling me what to do.

Anyway, it sounds like you made an impulse decision. Do you have anyone you can call when you get the urge to drink? I know you said you don't have many friends but how about family? Keep in mind you can always post here. It's always important to reach out for help after a relapse but what is even more important is to reach out for help before we relapse.

Hang in there and keep fighting!

Dee74

I’m really glad you’re OK whitejay

I don’t know why my brain is messed up either but with help, I’m living a great life in recovery and have now for nearly 15 years.

I reckon if I can do that, after years of home alone all day everyday drinking, you can too

I’m not going to kid you and say it’ll be easy. But...we’ve already been through Hell, right?

Nothing is harder than we’re we’ve been. You can do this

D