whitejay

Hello SR friends - It is so hard being sober. I dont know if I can do it.
I think about it constantly and I get so bored if Im not drinking. I want to stay sober more than anything, but as the days go on I have to admit it's getting harder to not pick up.

whitejay

Not doing well at all. As time goes on its really getting harder to not pick up.

Anna

Jay, it's hard at the moment getting through the day, but you can do it. And, it will get easier. Do you have a list of things you can do when you get bored? Anything you can do to distract yourself would be great.

Hang on.

whitejay

I never thought it would be this hard. There are so many factors that play into my drinking - I need to go into in-patient rehab again. I can tell that I wont last if I dont do something drastic. The older I get the more depression is creeping in, the more isolated I am, and have no feelings to do anything but cry and worry.
30 years of this BS and I just cant take it anymore.....

Aellyce

It is definitely challenging in the beginning. I very much second Anna about making lists of new activities, both just distractions and stuff you may want to constructively explore and add to your new sober life. I do a lot of this and when it's slacking for a few days, definitely feel the boredom, dissatisfaction and restlessness creeping in. Also find that writing them down and scheduling is much more helpful than simply thinking about them, even when I don't do everything on the list. We drank for a reason - it created mental states we liked or at least preferred and sometimes it's hard for normal things to compete with that memory and desire, but I find being creative with engagements in recovery helps even when my discipline is not the best, to overcome a sense of boredom.

Just read your last post - definitely do the inpatient if you feel that way and have the opportunity, it makes a lot of difference for many, and some need to do it more than once to find the real way out. It sounds like you may need more treatment for mental health than stopping drinking alone, which is also very common.

Hawkeye13

Please do whatever you have to to stay sober whitejay. Many people do inpatient more than once before they eventually find success.

You are worth it. Drinking just takes you deeper into depression. You know that path.

Choose another one

RAL

For me I just seem to have so much time on my hands now . Its not boredom more just not used to having so much time.

Boredom is drinking every night and doing nothing else. I think it takes a lot of time and effort to start new interests and habits and just new routines.

You're doing great 👍

whitejay

Thanks everyone I appreciate you talking with me - its so bad today. I am alone, like always, and no desire for anything in life. I am just crying my eyes out,
praying and just everything I have tried in the past never works. I really put forth a lot of effort this time and read books, listened to speakers,
AA etc.....I was all ready to go on Naltrexone then got scared thinking of side effects. But, now I have decided to move forward with it, there is no other way =
I cant do it myself.

Hope all of you are doing well.

whitejay

Yes, major depression. I have had it since I was 25. Just getting worse and worse.

Thanks Aellyce. Hope your doing well

Hawkeye13

This is kind of mundane compared to bigger issues, but just get through today and tonight sober. Make a plan to eat ice cream, shower, take walks, watch and old movie or do a jigsaw puzzle. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. Post here just like you did as often as needed.

These are the times we want to say f#$&* it and relapse, but changing the story to a good outcome is a bunch of little good decisions in a row.

Little decisions are manageable. You are in control of you, not the AV who feels stronger when we are depressed.

You have the power.

You can do this.

Aellyce

I'm doing quite well, thanks whitejay. Don't know what you've tried before but if you go to inpatient and can afford it, I would choose a facility that uses approaches to diagnose and treat multiple disorders and is equipped with competent mental health professionals. I suffered with depression while drinking in the past and know how difficult it is to stay sober without resolving the depression or at least making it more manageable relatively stably. It affects every ounce of motivation and energy. I was stubborn enough not to seek treatment for either the depression or the addiction for a very long time, way too long. Very convinced now, from first hand experience, that it's much easier to stay sober when we are not also depressed or suffer with other mental health maladies seriously, as that's what I've experienced recently. Willingness to do anything, energy, clarity, perspective, everything is different - of course it's easier to use recovery tools, feel satisfied and keep up the inspiration when those symptoms do not ail us constantly. Serious depression is much like addiction - not too response to willpower alone.

Mizz

WHITEJAY!!!
Sending you strength, love and light. You can get through this day. You really can. Please stay in the moment and do whatever you have to do to stay sober. Take a bath. Get out a puzzle. The New York Times Crossword?
Post here and keep talking. Clean a room in the house. Put on some music. Little tiny steps will make up an hour and then another. There are so many good movies and series out now.

Please stay close. You can do this, Whitejay. You are not alone.

whitejay

Thank you for giving me suggestions and support. It means a lot. I am laying in bed depressed. I tried to get up and do some things, but I couldnt
think straight. Like right now I am having a hard time typing and collecting my thoughts.
I'm petrified. I want more than anything in my entire life to never have a drop of alcohol. Not a drop, not a relapse because next time I will probably die.

Just to know that there is a possibility of a relapse, scares me so bad that I am frozen with fear. Baby steps and praying for a new mind.

FlyingDutchMan

Aaaah my dear Whiyejay, I wish there was something I could do for you. To offer some relief and make you feel better. I have every bit of understanding for your way of thinking. Nothing is more frustrating than quitting something you know does you no good, and then not being rewarded by feeling better. Reminds me of my own struggles when I quit marijuana in 2018 for the fist time with serious intentions. So hard to keep up the motivation and I wasn't feeling as bad as you are at the moment.

Sending you every bit of strength and positiveness, hoping it will make a difference. Please don't do things you will regret later on. It's not a long term solution, only a temporary relief and it might not even turn out that way.

I'll be checking in here a little more often to see how you are.

Hawkeye13

I was just where you are feeling the same thing a month ago. Frozen, discouraged, depressed and sure I was doomed to keep failing in staying sober. It’s always worse right where you are now, but you are right that baby steps will get you back in recovery a step at a time.

What about taking a hot bath or shower, wrapping up afterwards in a clean flannel sheet with some hot tea, and watching a rerun of a show you used to love as a child? Or listening to some peaceful music or Nature Sounds like ocean waves, gentle rain, flowing stream?

Don’t worry about collecting your thoughts—just let them be there without organization right now.

whitejay

so kind, FlyingDutchMan ! times like this is when I wish that all of us could be sitting around a big fire, with our tea and just talking.
It would be awesome because all of you are amazing. Thank you for letting me know you care.

whitejay

Hawkeye, its gotten so bad my drinking its literally between life and death. I sometimes feel like I want to be locked up for a year just to feel 100% that I cant reach alcohol.
I really enjoy listening to nature sounds, rain especially - I watched the movie "Get Out" a few days ago and it just made me more depressed. Then I tried watching series "Ozarks" and I got even more anxiety. I really need to be selecting happy movies. Know what I mean

Hevyn

Hi Whitejay. Like the others, my heart goes out to you. I have felt the same many times. It's difficult to be a sensitive, empathetic person in this world - and sometimes lighter stuff (TV/movies) is safer & less triggering.
I still don't understand why I reached for alcohol as a comforter & a friend - when I knew it was destroying me. I had once viewed it as something to calm me & to lessen my anxiety - but it did just the opposite in the end. If rehab would be possible, maybe you're right & it's the best way to stay safe & get professional help. Meanwhile, I'm glad you're here and posting.

Mizz

I felt so bad in December....I really thought I was done for. I had such intense anxiety that the episodes lasted for the entire day. This forum helped me through those moments and I am so so grateful. People really do understand. We are all here to help in the ways that we can.

As Hawk said, there really is no need to collect your thoughts right now. Take a bath. Drink some tea. Eat some food and turn on something uplifting. There is a new series on Netfliz called "Bridgerton" or "Cobra Kai" .....

I know you will get through this unscathed.

whitejay

me too Mizz - its so scary. To know you did this to yourself voluntarily. There was never a time I wasnt drinking and that makes me sick to my stomach to think of it. I feel like Im dying almost every day. Alcohol destroyed my soul.
When Im not drinking, I still feel like a zombie, because so much damage has been done to my brain.

Thank you